A colleague of mine came out with this the other day:

Did you know that the people of Dubai don’t like the Flintones? But Abu Dhabi do.

I’m afraid to say – I laughed.

Any more awful ones?

They’ve just found a Mummy in Egypt that’s covered in chocolate and peanuts.

Apparently he was called Pharoah Rocher.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”

Knock knock

Wife went mad at me because l didn ‘t open the car door for her mother.
I just panic ‘d and swam for the surface

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonky.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: “Is this some kind of a joke?”

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field.

What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?

Pat.

What’s grey, and would almost certainly kill you if it fell out of a tree on to your head?

A multi-story car park.

Two goldfish in a tank. One says, “How do you drive this thing?”

Two birds on a perch. One says, “Can you smell fish?”

(ok, that’s not going to work!)

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Petersfield

Petersfield who?

Petersfield his pants. 😀

(Local joke, but gets me everytime!)

For lunch today, I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple.

That’s hawaii roll.

(ok, that’s not going to work!)

tough crowd huh

Why are pirates called pirates?

They just arrrrrgh

edit VG squid 😉

What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda mccartney

A white horse walks into a pub and orders a whiskey. The barman says “What a coincidence, we’ve got a whiskey named after you!” To which the horse replies “Bernard?”.

LapSteel – Member
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: “Is this some kind of a joke?”

+1 my favourite of this genre along with: A man walks into a bar and says, “ouch”

My dog has no nose.

Man at the doctors: “I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass Of Home.”

Doc: “That’s what we call TJOCD.”

Man: “What’s that?”

Doc: “Tom Jones Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.”

Man: “Is it common?”

Doc: “No, but it’s not unusual…”

Try the fish, I’m here all week.

What do you call a Spanish gay man?
Senor Willy

Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

William Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman shouts “Oi! You’re Bard”.

” Do you have four candles ?”

Man: Doctor I’ve got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.

Dr: Bend over I’ll have a look…mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.

Man: That’s just the tip of the Iceberg

Hipster’s children should be Scene and not Herd.

Spanish fireman called his twin sons
jose
And JosB

” Hello,I am a wide mouthed frog ”

why is 10 scared of 7?

because 7 8 9….

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says “PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!” Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
“First,” says the bartender, “you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there’s a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there’s an eighty-five year old woman in the back who’s never had sex. You have to have sex with her.”
The guy think it over and says “okay, sure. You have a deal!” He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he’s basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There’s a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what’s going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
“What’s he doing?” asks the bartender.
“What’s left of him is back there in the croc pen,” she says, her horrified face pale with shock. “His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to **** the croc. The croc…the croc ate him.”
“Oh, Jesus,” whispers the bartender. “Jesus.”
Nobody says a word.

What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

Heard the one about the fly that won the lottery???…….
it bought a dog in Spain. 😀

works for me.

Doctor: The results are in, I am afraid you have Hermes
Man: Dont you mean Herpes?
Doctor: No, your the carrier

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick

Knock Knock…….

Doorbell repairman

What do you call a fat computer?

A Dell.

What’s green and smells like yellow paint?
Green paint.

I bought a dog from the local blacksmith.
As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

You’ve been a lovely crowd, don’t forget your coats….

An English Cat and a French cat are always trying to beat each other.
The English cat is called ‘one two three’, and the French cat is called ‘Un Deux Trois’

They decide to have a race to see who is first to swim the channel..
Anyway, the one two three cat won because the Un Deux Trois Cat sank…

What do you call a fish without any eyes?
A Fsshhh..

(Works better with sound…)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bar stewards.”
They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”
They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.”
Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.”
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought – “Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”…

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Becuase he needed a pooh…..

What do you call a dog wearing a bomb belt?

A Terrierist…