Man: Doctor I’ve got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.
Dr: Bend over I’ll have a look…mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.
Man: That’s just the tip of the Iceberg

My favourite so far. Thanks wwaswas 😆

What do vegetarian worms eat?

Linda Mccartney

What’s got three legs and doesn’t talk…..

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills!

My favourite for an inappropriate occasion for a joke. A friend of mine was working in Africa and fell I’ll suddenly with a raging fever. Rushed into hospital barely conscious, lots of tests and eventually the doc comes to inform him of the diagnosis

“I’m sorry to inform you that you have aids”

Long pause

“haa haa only joking! It’s not aids it’s malaria”

Excellent thread 🙂

Love this one:

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field.

Man: Doctor I’ve got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.
Dr: Bend over I’ll have a look…mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.
Man: That’s just the tip of the Iceberg

Sounds to me like he’s not eating properly.

Tractor Joke

There once was this 10 year old boy called Mike who lived on his father’s farm and he was the biggest joy was tractors. He loved them. He adored them. In fact, without any exaggeration, they were his meaning for living. His roomed was decorated with tractor posters, he made tractor models and he took the greatest of joy in washing his father’s tractors.

One day he came home from school and his father announced that he had decided it was time to buy a new tractor for the farm, and that consequently he would be going to the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham that weekend to pick one out. At this Mike went into tractor overdrive and started to beg his father to take him with him. Eventually his father relented and said “OK, you can come, but only if you finish all your homework and chores for the weekend on Friday night.

Friday night came round and little Mike rushed home from school and sat down to his homework. 30 minutes later (well he was only 10) he was at the kitchen sink doing the washing up and then it was out into the farmyard to wash the tractor. As he rubbed away he thought to himself “this is the last time I do this one, we’ll have a new one next week”. By 8 o’clock he was finished and it was time for his bath and then to bed.

Saturday morning, 7 o’clock. Mike jumped out of bed and ran downstairs and out to the yard where his father was getting the car ready. Having remembered that he had no clothes on, he ran back into the house, up to his room , got dressed and then ran back down again. Mike’s father rebuked him, saying “You’re having breakfast before you go” . So after breakfast it was into the car and off to the NEC.

All the way there Mike was looking out of the car window, trying to spot as many type of tractor as he could, much to his father’s annoyance. “Will you be still for 1 hour?” A shrimp stood a better chance of surviving in a supernova. Eventually they arrived at the NEC and Mike’s dad parked the car.

“Can I have a look around on my own” pleaded Mike. “You must be joking ” retorted his father. However, as is the way with small children and some parents, one major tantrum later Mike was wandering around the NEC while his father picked out a new tractor.

The first stand that Mike came to was British and it had a wonderful big red tractor on it. Mike let out a little squeak of joy and jumped in the cab. There were all the usual knobs and dials, but in addition there was a stereo radio cassette. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the tractor on his father’s farm and for several minutes he was having great fun. Then the salesman arrived. “So what do you think of this model, Sir?” Well Mike was well enamoured and communicated this to the salesman in no uncertain terms. “Would you like to purchase this model Sir?” Mike thought about this and said “well I only get £2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?” The salesman gainfully fought off a heart attack and screamed “Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%” which naturally upset Mike a little bit. However he quickly recovered and headed for the next stand.

The next stand that Mike came to was German and it had a wonderful big yellow tractor on it. Mike let out a slightly louder squeak of joy and jumped in the cab. There were the same knobs and dials and stereo radio cassette, but also wash wipers on all the windows and a CD player attached to the radio cassette. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the British tractor and for several minutes he was having great fun. Then the salesman arrived. “So what do you think of this model, Sir?” Well Mike was greatly impressed and communicated this to the salesman in no uncertain terms. “Would you like to purchase this model Sir?” Mike thought about this and said “well I only get £2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?” The salesman gainfully fought off a heart attack and a stroke and screamed “Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%” which naturally upset Mike again. However he recovered and headed for the next stand.

The next stand that Mike came to was American and it had a wonderful big blue tractor on it. Mike let out a loud scream of joy and jumped in the cab. There were the same knobs and dials, stereo radio cassette with CD and wash wipers on all the windows, but in this tractor there was also a microwave oven and a small TV. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the German tractor and for 25 minutes he had a wonderful time. Then the salesman arrived. “So what do you think of this model, Sir?” Well Mike was gob-smacked for a moment from the enormity of his joy, but he eventually communicated his joy to the salesman. “Would you like to purchase this model Sir?” Mike thought hard about his answer this time and then said “well I only get £2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?” The salesman swallowed what must have been 2 gallons of phlegm and screamed “Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%” which naturally upset Mike greatly. However he recovered with some difficulty and headed for the next stand.

The next stand that Mike came to was Japanese and it had a wonderful, enormous, golden tractor on it. Mike let out a very loud scream of joy which shattered several wine glasses in the near vicinity and jumped into the cab in a single bound. There were the same knobs and dials, stereo radio cassette with CD, wash wipers on all the windows and microwave oven, but this tractor had a widescreen TV with Nicam stereo sound and a small car attached to the back to take you home after a hard day in the fields. Now to Mike this was without doubt the most stupendous tractor he had ever seen and for a whole hour he played all over it. Eventually the salesman arrived. “So what do you think of this model, Sir?” Well Mike was naturally a little cautious about answering this question in light of what had happened so far and merely commented that it was “nice”. The salesman realised that he was up against a hard dealer and asked “Would you like to purchase this model Sir?” Mike thought very hard about his answer this time and then said “well I only get £2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?” The salesman leaped at Mike, dragged him from the cab and threw him of the stand screaming “Get out of here you little %*&$@#&%”.

Now this time Mike was very upset. He ran around the NEC trying to find his father. When he did find him he ran up and was crying so much that his father decided they should go home. All the way home Mike lay on the back seat sniffling, not even bothering to look out of the window. When the car stopped in the farmyard Mike leaped from the car and ran upstairs to his bedroom. Pulling all the posters off the wall and collecting up all his models he ran back downstairs and out into the yard. Piling them all in the yard he set light to them. His parents just stood and watched. Then Mike announced “I’m off down to the pub” Now his parents realised that he wouldn’t get into any trouble and let him go.

When Mike walked in to the pub he strolled nonchalantly up to the bar and asked for a pint of beer. Now this surprised the barman as not many 10 year old boys came in, but he gave him a pint of cold tea, knowing that Mike would never know the difference. As Mike sipped his “beer” he glanced around the bar and noticed how smoky it was. Commenting on this, the barman replied that “the chimney blows back a bit and a lot of the customers smoke. Mike contemplated on this and then announced “I can get rid of all this smoke for you”. The barman just laughed and said “go on then!”.

Mike took a big breath, sucking in all the smoke, and walked outside where he exhaled it. Walking back into the bar, the barman muttered “how the $%&£*~@# did you do that?”

“Oh it was easy – you see, I’m an ex-tractor fan.”

IN SUMMARY

Q. What do you call someone who used to be really keen on tractors?
A. An extractor fan!

What’s the difference between a skoda and a mercedes?

Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in a skoda…

*deep breath*

The family with the worst Internet connection is the NoLAN Sisters.

—

What’s two feet long and slippery?

A pair of slippers.

—

Someone’s just rung me up trying to sell me a new way of attaching
pedals to my bike. Bloody crank phone calls.

Cheesy jokes.

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

—

What sort of cheese makes you taller?

Stilt on.

—

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mask-a-pony.

—

What cheese do you use to encourage bears?

C’mon-bear.

—

What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror?

‘Hallo me!’

—

How do the Welsh eat cheese?

Caerphilly.

I’ve just bought a kinky Star Wars ‘bounty hunter’ outfit.

I got it from a Fettish shop.

Not very PC but..

What is brown and sticky?

My Beyonce poster.

Man: Doctor I’ve got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.
Dr: Bend over I’ll have a look…mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.
Man: That’s just the tip of the Iceberg

Sounds to me like he’s not eating properly.

Just thought of this final line;

Doctor: I’ll just get a dressing for it.

Where did Noah keep the bees?
In archives.
.
Why can’t you tell maths jokes in base 8?
Because 7 10 11.
.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Doctor
.
To follow on from haggis post:
The french army have developed a new kind of tank. It has 14 gears. 13 of them reverse. They fitted a forward gear just in case the enemy attack from behind…

Whatt do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
still.no idea

Just thought of this final line;

Doctor: I’ll just get a dressing for it.

Yes! \o/

I’ve just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia.

I fear the Wurst.

What’s gold and sounds like a pirate?

Pyrite.

Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas in the morning?

Your Mum.

How do you make a hormone? Kick her in the c**t

What type of bees produce milk?

Boo Bees

What’s brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…………… Anal…

Sorry 🙂

What do you call an Iraqi with bacon on his head?

Hamed

What do you call an Iraqi with two bits of bacon on his head?

Mohamed

What do you call an Iraqi with two bits of bacon on his head standing between two tall buildings?

Mohamed Ali

______

What do you call a SingleTracker without a pump…

A rambler

Who are the nicest people in Manchester General Hospital?
The ultra sound crew.

-My wife’s gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.

(that’s the original one, now prepare for a deluge of variations….

-My wife’s gone to the Indian coast
-Goa?
-Phwoar! I’ll say!

-My wife’s gone to St Petersburg.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she’s taking her time.

-My wife’s gone to Northern Italy
-Genoa?
-I should think so, we’ve been married for 20 years.

-My wife’s had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa?
-No. She broke her leg.

-My wife’s gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yes, absolutely loopy

-My wife’s gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-Search me.

-My wife’s gone to the botanical gardens.
-Kew?
-Yes, it was rather busy.

-My wife’s gone to Malawi
-Lilongwe?
-Yes, about 5000 miles

-My wife’s got an upset tummy in Laos
-Inkhazi?
-Yes, constantly.

-My wife’s gone to see relatives in France
-Nice
(…need I say more…)

-My wife’s gone on a singing tour of South Korea
-Seoul?
-No, R&B

-My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
-Qatar?
-Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks

-My wife had an accident in Slovenia
-Bled?
-like a stuck pig.

-My wife’s parents are from Croatia
-Split?
-No, they’re still happily married.

-My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
-Singapore?
-Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too.

-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole
-In Dorset?
-Yes, she’d recommend it to anyone.

-My wife smoked a joint near Manchester
-In Hale?
-Yes she did.

Vancouver? I hardly know her!

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
.
.
.
.
Doug

IGMC

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas.

what’s the difference between an egg and a ****..?

you can beat an egg…..

Not mine but I love it anyway.

I just bought a dvd which said on the front 3.14 stars out of 5.

I think it may be Pi rated.

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.

(you do have think fo the sounds the words make with this one).

I’ll see you all after the ban.

I just bought a dvd which said on the front 3.14 stars out of 5.

I think it may be Pi rated.

I do like that.

Porn has ruined my life.

My boiler has gone and I’m scared to call the plumber.

How do you stop a women giving you oral sex?
Marry her

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those that don’t.

Not a joke as such but the recent incident with some soldiers, an arm and the status of the middle finger of the hand attached to said arm had me chuckling for a good minute or two. Very heartily so.

Wrong ? Yes, but still chuckling as I write this…

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those that don’t.

And those who understand ternary.