Just a quick question to the parents out there to check if I'm just out of touch with current thinking:-

We are a childless couple with a fairly small house – i.e. one quite small reception room. When we ask friends over for dinner we are amazed how many assume it is OK to bring their kids. When you (i.e. the two of you) are asked to dinner at 8pm on a friday night would you assume that your whole family was invited? Most of our friends have 2 or 3 rug rats aged 5-10yrs olds and the stock response seems to range from

a – "yes, love to come, is it ok to bring the kids?"
b – "yes, but please remember child x is allergic to mushrooms"
c – just turn up with the kids

If you say no to the kids it makes you sound like the bad guys. This weekend we asked 3 other couples around and ended up with 17 in the house – not quite the mellow evening we'd hoped for. And should kids of that age but up and running around at midnight anyway?

Do people not have just adult time any more? Just really fed up of having evenings with kids running around and around, watching a purple dinosaur 3ft away. As a child myself my folks always left me and my sister behind with baby sitters – but have things changed? Maybe I'm out of touch.

I'm with you on that one, but some people simply cant get babysitters.

Could we leave the little one and we'll go out somewhere else?

More seriously, you're right

Just tell them that youre on the sex offenders registrar, and youre not allowed contact with children,especially other peoples.

Should be a good talking point.

Is it really a lot of trouble to just be explicit when inviting folk around? We do a mix of no kids and with kids nights, and find it helps to tell folk what you are planning.

Make it clear – "We are having a meal for grown ups only" however you want to phrase it. Those who can get a babysitter will turn up, those who can't won't.

Obviously, if any of your proper close froiends end up missing out, an evening with kids once in a while won't kill you, though it may feel like it at the time.

And "No", very young kids should not be up around and playing at midnight. IMHO.

I think it's out of order for people to just assume that children are invited everywhere the parent are.

We've got 2 children (10 & 7) and always make it clear when we're inviting people round (whether or not they have children) if it will be a grown up evening or not (deliberately not saying adult as that implies an entirely different sort of party 😉 )

We'd assume that any evening invitation was for adults unless childres were specifically invited.

I don't want to sound like a complete killjoy, I love partys/events/barbecues/days out with children, they're usually hugely fun but there is a need for grown up time.

Last text verbatim – "Hi X, how are you guys? How do you and Y fancy dinner on Friday the 6th at 8pm? Just a bit of chilled adult time" Am I not being explicit enough?

With you all the way there Swadey

Just a bit of chilled adult time" Am I not being explicit enough?

Maybe too explicit now.

You better get the fruit bowl out so everybody can put their car keys in it.

I'd hope our circle of friends would understand each other enough to know what kind of invite it was and turn-up accordingly.

How very middle class

Can't say I've ever been to or hosted a 'dinner party' but I would have thought you'd be explicit over who was invited

Am I not being explicit enough?

Clearly not for the individuals you are inviting 😉 Employ your mouth in telling them no kids. As a parent, I really bedrudge people ruining any time I've got off from the kids, much as I love them. Some folk get really into being parents and seem to think invites include all, but have a proper conversation with them even if it is a bit of an awkward one.

Totally agree with you – and I'm a parent of 1…thing is I think out mates have the same thought as we never get invited round to mate's houses anymore!

Just did actual conversation thing, and as a result next weekend is called off until another time. Next question, if you "correct a misunderstanding" about the invited status of a friend's child have you committed a heinous sin in parent land?

This must be third top of the list of middle class dilemmas after 'help me give up my coffee addiction', and 'HELP, someone has parked a camper van in my street and my neighbour doesn't like it'

It's a damn hard world being middle class (whatever that means these days) 🙂

(whatever that means these days)

It means you have dinner parties & agonise over the etiquette

What's a dinner party these days – last weekend it was toad in the hole eaten off laps, nowt posh. You don't ever have friends eat in your house – weird.

I'm with you on the etiquette thing though – very middle class 😀

Next question, if you "correct a misunderstanding" about the invited status of a friend's child have you committed a heinous sin in parent land?

No, not unless your friends need to MTFU 🙂

It's not your fault you had to spell out in large letters what any normal person would have inferred from the invitation. No faux pas there 🙂

How was the invite worded then? If one of my friends just called to say "come over for dinner on Friday", how would I know if it was for me alone, my partner too, or the whole family? Is it really soooo difficult just to say what you mean, or are these the sort of "friends" you need to agonise over upsetting?

Glen More – read above ^

i think your friends are just odd

I honestly don't think this is the "done thing" – a daytime invitation to lunch or "tea" , you assume kids are invited

evening invite, 8pm – no kids, taken as read

the fact that all of your friends with kids do things differently suggests this is a how your circle of friends prefer to do things. get some new friends cos yours are rubbish

Are they actually your friends or just people you have stuff in common with that you sometimes invite for tea?

Just seems like a wierd dilema to be in if their your mates.

grievoustim – Member

i think your friends are just odd

I honestly don't think this is the "done thing" – a daytime invitation to lunch or "tea" , you assume kids are invited

evening invite, 8pm – no kids, taken as read

Really? If I invite folk with kids, I expect to see them unless I explicitly state otherwise. Truth be told, my friends would likely ask anyway.

I expect to see their kids at teatime/ lunchtime

I don't expect to have someone else's 5 year old running around my house at midnight – and I wouldn' t inflict it on my friends (I have 3 kids, including a 5 year old)

often go to visit friends with my kids, or have friends with kids come to us – and kids are sent to bed for a sleepover type thing, not sitting up with the adults

convert…no way would I expect my kids to tag along to an evening at a friend's house. I value my "adult" time.

If we invite people over we always expect them to bring any kids they have with them. Our kids go to 90% of the "do's" that we attend. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you know how much babysitters are? £6 an hour round these parts!! I tend to pay them when there's something I have to go to but love it when we get invited to a laid back supper with mates. Special treat for the kids to hook up with friends they don't see often, these occasions and their memories stay with them.

I think if you're all close friends and this has always gone on then it's great socially for all concerned, kids, parents and yourselves. If they are close, good friends then just say, they should respect your wishes for your choice of DP.

teagirl – Member

If they are close, good friends then just say, they should respect your wishes for your choice of DP.

😯

I do get the cost implication, and have quite a bit of sympathy (although surely its one of those costs you can anticipate when you work out if you can afford to have kids?). I can imagine a busy social life with babysitters regularly needed could make a sizeable hole in your finances.

Re the hook up with friends/ memories aspects – surely all the lunchtime and afternoon BBQs, trips to the beach, camping trips etc etc that we all do so much of as a group of friends is a more appropriate time for that sort of thing for a 5yr old? We are not talking about a group of kids having their own party in another room, or with the adults interacting with them, just in the same room playing or watching kids tv. I can't say they look like they are having a particularly good time.

To those above – I think we are a particularly tight knit group that have known each other for a long time through some pretty extraordinary experiences so it's not a communication thing – more that our views as a couple seem to be at odds with the vast majority who do have kids and I was just wondering if I was unusual in not finding the way my group works in this one aspect to my liking or that it's just the way it is these days. Looks like there is mixed opinion on that one.

Hmmm, I don't think I'd want to invite the sort of friends who have to be invited.

Don't friends just drop round and you're glad to see them and vice versa?

You have reached that age when all your pals have kids.
You just have to deal with it and either be down with the kids and let them play on your (insert cool thing here) …or that boring man/woman that talks about politics…"mummy can we go home now please…They are weird they made us say grace"

My kids are as much part of my family as I or my partner are.
Why would I assume that you don't like my children.

However, I would check though – but if it's adult only then I'd politely decline.

I do understand that some folk just aren't geared for kids, small house etc, so I'd suggest a picnic or similar – then at least there's the space and if you want fancy food you can (albeit packaged up I suppose)

some people on here are suggesting they spend no time away from there kids – why? do you not need some time to chill?

in reality most kids up to x age should be in bed before 9pm anyhow in my eyes. Do you leave the dinner party before that or do you use the line "ooooh he's tired, he's never usually like this….."

I'm impressed there is kid's tv on until midnight…clearly this person doesn't have Coonsul telly but thon rich man's from-space telly…

I'd expect 5yr olds to be well and truly asleep by 8pm.

I don't particularly care for British kids given their generally poor upbringing, lack of manners etc however I'd be fine with Canadian, French, Spanish, Italian, Greek kids.

I'd much rather be inclusive if possible.