Actually, having read all of epicyclo's post now, I think she might be my sister 
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One sided relationships
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Posted 5 months ago #
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Parents now live in Australia and speak to them about once every two months. Me and my two brothers can go 6 months without speaking but it’s like we’ve never been apart when we are together. Some families are just like that.
This topic has just prompted me to call them. Turns out they are now both immigrating to Australia as well!
Posted 5 months ago # -
I think I'm probably quite like your brother so I can give a perspective that might be helpful.
I'm actually pretty close to my family - we all get on well, always did when I was young and always have a great time when we're together.
But, I'm a pretty independent person and I don't need to talk to people regularly to feel close to them - same goes for close friends actually - so I don't have the inherent triggers to constantly call/talk/text them that say my wife does with her family. It's definitely a bloke thing to some extent but also just how some people are.
For me, from the point when I moved out of home to go to uni (eg the last time we lived together), I saw/talked to them a lot less and didn't really 'miss' the contact as I knew they were always there and that essentially nothing had changed.
That said, I guess as I've got older and had kids, I've become more aware that how I perceive things isn't necessarily how other people do and so I do actively make the effort to call my family regularly simply because I know they might feel how emma does otherwise. For me it doesn't make me feel any closer as I don't need that contact for that but I know that they've appreciated it.
So, emma, maybe your brother just hasn't realised that side of it and next time you talk to him maybe just mention in a non-judgemental way that you'd love to talk to him more often...
Posted 5 months ago # -
Me and our kid (ickle sister) are really close. We always have been. We always knocked around together, and made a real effort to see each other, despite her being in London and me oop north. I've had some of the best times of my life with her and love her to bits! She was my best man and everyfink
The thing is, people always remark on how well we get on. And how its nothing like the relationship they have with their siblings. It certainly seems to be the exception, rather than the rule
And we don't phone each other all the time, or owt like that. She's like a bloke in that respect. We just have a right laugh when we're together and immediately revert to behaving like kids
Posted 5 months ago # -
I've got an incredibly needy sister-in-law you can have..
Posted 5 months ago # -
Emma, don't give up on him. He probably values your relationship very much, but he might just have the type of personality which makes it difficult to keep in touch. I'm very similar - I love my sister very much, but I'm always forgetting to contact her, because something more immediate comes up, or I forget, or other. I don't care about her any less.
Maybe just mention it to him (not in a nagging way) and say you'd like to hear from him more often. Certainly don't assume it's resentment or indifference.
Posted 5 months ago # -
My sister might say the same about me! Well, not quite- she's got the kids and I do make some effort, but as said above people are different and I don't feel the need to be in touch with my family all the time- doesn't mean I don't care about them.
Posted 5 months ago # -
clubber sums it up nicely for me.
I have a 2 years younger brother, we are close, get on great when we meet up, like the same things, similar group of friends, usual stuff. I was best man at his wedding, he will be best man at mine.
But.
It is not uncommon for us not to speak for a couple of months, and it is not uncommon for us to not see each other for 6 months. We are both independent, both busy and neither of us ones for just calling for a chat.
It's a bloke thing in my eyes, I am the same with my friends as well, I get in contact when I have news (actually, I don't, people just hear it on the grapevine unless it is really big) or fancy meeting up. All male parties seem happy as we are all of similar mind sets.
So in summary, don't panic, he is a bloke.
Posted 5 months ago # -
Our family lives separate lives, they live one end of the country I live the other, it's always been like that. Having left Uni to return to my home county Shropshire they promptly upped sticks and moved to Cambridge where my Sis married and had 4 kiddos in succession, Mother remained there to help out, Father died of bowel cancer shortly after….
So I’d make the effort to visit, every month I’d pop down and for a while we carried on as a family, only after a couple of issues we had to face bang on the nose did we start to drift apart. I moved south for sailing and been here 20 years, they’ve stayed where they are and in that time we’ve hardly spent any time together. I rarely go up, she’s been down once, we chat twice a year. My Mothers a different matter, she’s always in contact, in fact if it wasn’t for her I’d rarely talk to her for weeks on end then I’ll get a text saying “Hi, it’s your Mom” and we start up all over again.. then I’ll drift off and we go round in these circles over the years. We’ve recently had some rather bad news, my Nephew and my Niece’s Fiancé were killed at the weekend, totally devastating news for my Sis and family and yes we’ve spoken and it’s like we’re still Bro and Sis, nothing changes, we’ve always been the same, always been there for each other..
But, the over riding feeling I have in all this is simple, I love them all, but I’m happy with my family and to me that’s the most important thing.
I guess a lot of guys are like this, those that I’ve spoken to about it are similar, we’ll be astrainged but not really, we do appreciate the affection from our family, but we’re happy on our own or with our own family.
I do envy those with close knit families though, you know those with Mum/Dad/Sis/Bro all living close by, all sharing each other..
I don’t really have that, but I don’t think I’ve ever had that either.Posted 5 months ago # -
The saddest thing for us is that my wife's parents are both no longer with us and mine are. Her parents did everything they could to involve themselves with us and our son but both died in their mid sixties. Mine never visit and rarely call despite managing to spend two months of every winter in Palm Springs and have told me and my sister not to visit at the same time with our families because too many people in the house stresses them.
Posted 5 months ago # -
Bloody hell - being an only child seems to have some advantages.
It's not always like that.
However in my case it's somewhere in the middle. My 18 months older sister is not really like me at all, neither is my Mum, but we do make the effort to do family stuff fairly often. It's not too much of a chore but it is rather frustrating. I can't really be fully myself as they don't really get me very well, but of course I'm used to that since it's how I grew up. Fortunately I have Mrs Grips for being myself with
And, somewhat strangely, the rest of her family.
Posted 5 months ago # -
I have to hold my hand up and admit that I'm not very good at communication, but the rest of my family is great so I don't think it's much of a problem. My Mum gets a little peeved when I haven't called for a while and I just love winding her up with one word responses to her emails
My old Man is a nightmare, you call him and after 'hello' it seems he want to go, but that's just him. He's cr*p on the phone.
Most important thing is do you actually get along when together? As long as someone makes the effort and you talk or see each other on a fairly regular basis them what's the problem.
Posted 5 months ago # -
Wow.. some very tough stories there.
My Mum had a sister, they fell out 35 years ago (when I was 3) and never spoke, I only ever set eyes on her once at a funeral about 5 years ago. last year my Mum sent me a text which read - 'just found out my sister died, and the funeral was last week, I guess some families just don't work out'
My Dad has a brother who never makes the effort - he is a grade A sh*t - my Grandmother passed away earlier this year, and I doubt any of us will ever see him again now...
My wifes family is a nightmare, her Mum is a nasty cow, who has fallen out with her entire family, my wife has two needy sisters who tend to only make a big effort when they want something..
The whole family have regular 'Springer show' style rows (Christmas day is a favorite) and are just hard work...I have a younger brother, who is 34 (4 years younger than me) we speak most weeks, and probably see each other monthly, he has a life-limiting illness (the big C) and realistically is unlikely to see his 40th birthday, I'm going to find this tough as although we're not 'best mates' we've got a healthy sibling relationhip and do need each other.
If the reason you don't see/hear from your siblings is purely down to laziness then please at least send them the odd text, as you never know when they'll be gone for good...
Posted 5 months ago # -
Fascinating thread this.
Posted 5 months ago # -
One of my brothers is a little odd and I only see him at Christmas - and then not every year. The other brother and sister I see occasionally and we don't call each other much just at family stuff. We get on fine though. Just families and work etc.
I have more problems with my daughter (26) who never contacts me. A couple of years ago I decided to not call her to see what would happen and the answer is nothing. I do call her for her birthday and Christmas as I do not want to lose touch. Whenever we speak she is great, happy to talk and stuff. Seeing her in London this Sunday which will be the first time this year - and not sure if I saw her last year. That hurts me more than my siblings.
Posted 5 months ago # -
It would appear that some of you blokes don't make an effort.
Posted 5 months ago # -
Yep you are right C_G, im a right lazy bugger and really need to make more of an effort. ALl my family are very good at keeping in touch considering we live on opposite sides of the world. My fault when it slides though
Posted 5 months ago # -
I am pretty rubbish with my Mum and brother, but they're in Oz so the time difference plus the fact that Mum lives in the shed most weekends makes phoning difficult. Emails every few weeks with Mum, probably speak to my Bro once every 3 months but we both have small children so that does make it harder. Need to make more effort really. My sister is spending a few years in the UK and I definitely haven't seen her enough. Really missed seeing her grow up.
I think you shouldn't take it personally that you have to make the effort as long as things are good between you. My brother and I are definitely a little like that which means we go longer without speaking, but I love him very much and always think about how his life is going. Hope your brother is the same. Maybe tell him how you feel?
Posted 5 months ago # -
My bother moved to NZ about twenty years ago. We didnt always keep in touch until the last 5 years or so. He died suddenly last april. Glad i made the effort, maybe some on here might think about how they might feel if something happend to tske away the option.
Posted 5 months ago # -
To those who think it's "sad" or "tough" that some siblings don't chat very often; why do you think that. To me, it's perfectly natural. I have friends with whom I have a lot in common. We share interests, care about each other, maybe even disagree on stuff. Through an accident of birth, I also have a brother. I have absolutely nothing in common with him. Why would I want to keep in touch?
Posted 5 months ago # -
I think it is sad though Druidh, you grow up with someone so there must be some kind of bond there? but I guess I'm just being sentimental.
For those that asked - no I haven't ever said anything because I think it is just a bloke thing by the looks of it, he's just very laid back and to be honest, I think he's like that with everyone. Like others have said I know he'd be there if I needed it, he's just completely useless at keeping in contact. I don't mind being the one chasing but just once every now and then it would be nice to get a response to a text!
Posted 5 months ago # -
My brother lives in Ireland. I reckon he moved there so he could detach himself from the family - I think he finds it easier that way. He never got on well with my Dad and we've always had a strained relationship. Sad really, he's a good bloke and if he wanted to talk about how he feels I reckon he'd get a positive response from us.
He made me Godfather to his two boys which was great and was a positive gesture but I'm b*ggered if I can get any communication from him at all. Text, email, Facebook. Nothing. He must just delete them without thinking... Had something of a personal crisis this year, got no message of support from him at all, except the time I called him... I have to say that's pretty poor, it only takes 30 seconds to send a text.
One of my best mates is a couple of years older than me. I've never said it to him but when we first met I saw him as a proxy older brother. He's not that close to his younger brother so I guess it's something that works for both of us.
I reckon happy and non-dysfunctional families are as rare as hen's teeth. Most people I know have issues at some level with siblings or parents.Posted 5 months ago # -
emma82 - Member
I have friends with whom I have grown up for longer than I was sharing a house with my brother. I also have ex-friends I haven't seen for decades. It's no different.
I think it is sad though Druidh, you grow up with someone so there must be some kind of bond there? but I guess I'm just being sentimental.Posted 5 months ago # -
I'd say it's sad because as siblings you might have a lot of shared experiences. When I think about the good things in my life, lots of them are related to my family in some way. If you don't have that outlook then yes, I'd say that was a shame because it's something precious.
Posted 5 months ago # -
It's precious to you because you have lots of shared happy memories. For me, those are with my folks and/or my friends. So, I haven't lost anything and there's nothing to be sad about.
Posted 5 months ago # -
I have 2 younger brothers.
One lives in Stoke and the other in Liverpool but I couldn't tell you where.
They never call me or get in touch with my kids.
We all like music but have nothing else in common.
It's a shame but thats life I feel.
Posted 5 months ago # -
Did your parents keep your brother in the basement or something?
Posted 5 months ago # -
Did your parents keep your brother in the basement or something?
Was that for me Rich? He wasn't kept in a basement but actually there were a lot of unpleasant things happened to us as we were growing up courtesy of our bell end father, brother got the brunt of it though but weirdly has forgiven/forgotten and sees him quite often. I however cant be in the same room as said sperm donor without wanting to to physically harm him. I do sometimes wonder if that causes problems, it's an elephant in the room, we don't talk about it.
Posted 5 months ago # -
We were quite close as a family growing up. We stayed out of town and there weren't many other families about.
It started off with me distancing myself from my elder brother (and family) as they just weren't interested in me or my life. I was glad when they moved abroad but i do miss my nieces (who I love to bits) but hey ho I'm not that great an uncle to them. they usually say hi when passing through (bless 'em).
I guess that when I went through a rough patch splitting up with a long time partner I distanced myself from the rest of my family as I thought that I wasnt going to be about for much longer so it would be easier on them I guess.
Turns out I was a little premature on that score but the 'bond' has kind of been broken. I still make the odd token effort but I can't recall anybody really making an effort to contact me.
To be honest I 'cut out' a lot of people. I guess thats the way it goes.
That's my bed, so I'll lie in it.
Posted 5 months ago # -
I'm getting slowly a bit closer to my brother as we get older. But we have never been that close.
Haven't seen my father for 25 years - but may change that soon.People who have entirely textbook families have real difficulty understanding that it isn't always that way as this thread shows...
Posted 5 months ago # -
I find myself agreeing with druidh. Must be an age thing.
Posted 5 months ago # -
You can choose your friends but cant choose your family. Seems logical that you wont always like your family.
Posted 5 months ago # -
I think it is sad though Druidh, you grow up with someone so there must be some kind of bond there?
There is. I know this because when my sister was ill, close to death, I prayed for her. And am so grateful she has returned to health.
I suspect a lot of siblings have issues that derive from parental attention problems, perhaps that the elder envies the necessary attention paid to the younger. And this carries on hidden by layers of life-events.
I have no real memory of any kind of relationship with my sister when I was small - we just avoided each other. It was only after both our parents died that she and her new husband decided to care for me. It was a difficult situation to develop a relationship and there was a lot of tension. But I have not forgotten, despite the aggro, what she did for me.
We'll never be really close, but we get along better now then we ever have because we are older and can look back at events with better understanding.
I will ring her at the weekend.
Posted 5 months ago # -
Like 'iseedarkness' i made a semi-consious decision to cut people out of what passed for my life at the time, although they weren't family but friends - i'd already cut the family away.
Like the above i think i was thinking similar thoughts for my sins.
Not good.
Posted 5 months ago # -
I called my sister last night to arrange meeting up over Xmas and what to buy the kids. It was during that conversation that we both realised we hadn't spoken since before their summer holiday. Nothing deliberate, just a failure to do much outside the day to day, week to week routine.
Posted 5 months ago #
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