not heard from my old man for over 16 years and this morning got a letter from him wanting to meet up with me and my sister(whos a bit shaken by his re-appearance in our lives)

i do have a few obvious questions to ask him…any more i should try?

anyone else had a similar situation?

go easy on him. I don't know the situation, but as time passes it gets harder and harder to make contact. At least he's made the first move.

Not been in that situation myself though, so I'm completely unqualified to offer any advice.

very similar.

This was 10 years ago, and I'm still in 'the early days'

With me, I didn't want the first contact with him to be at his funeral…so I am making a bit of an effort. There's no right an wrong though mate, so whatever you feel is right, then that's right.

My heart goes out to you, it's upsetting. All the best.

EDIT – I also have an older sister, who just wishes he was dead, and a mum who still misses him. It's awkward.

My old man pissed off abroad when I was 10. got in touch when I was 20 and met up, not spoken to him since (i am 44 now). He now lives 40 miles away and cannot say I am fussed about not seeing him

At least he's made the first move.

+1. Mr Jimbo, he speak sense.

Go. Meet. Ask. Listen.

See what happens.

Good luck!

I didn't see my mum for about 8 years for various reasons but we get on fine now.

I am however a very much live and let live person and realise that when she left things were really not going well for her

do you want to meet him?

ta for that….its a bit creepy cos only the other day i was chatting to mum about wether id go to his funeral and then i get this letter..hes been missing most of my life,he made contact when i was 23,then before that i was 12….i dont treat him as anything really,hes a complete stranger to me.we have the same surname thats it..

i just have the cycnical feeling hes doing it to ease his concious….

You must meet him, don't let the opportunity pass. It may not resolve your issues with him, but it will get the ball rolling.

I basically found out last year I have a sister, I am 37 and never seen my natural parents, made contact with my sister couple weeks ago to find out she has 12 months ish to live. Live is too short to mess around, go for it.

tbc,i guess i do want to meet him and i am a live and let live type character also but its been a bit odd today…

i do seem to have a fair bit of resentment which i'll keep a lid on!

Wow, that must have been a shock for you!

You're right to have questions, only you can decide whether to meet him, and perhaps question your motives in meeting him and his in meeting you.

Maybe you need to arrange to meet somewhere neutral, and if you have anyone in your life that you'd call upon for support who could be classed as neutral then perhaps see if they would attend for some moral support and to act I suppose as a "chaperone/moderator" type of person.

Big move for you, your dad, & your sister.

How old are you? Go and meet him if you want to, don't if you don't. Tell him what you feel.
Wrong section too 😉

hes 78 and the first thought was he was sick or worse…i reckon my sister wont want anything to do with him as he made it very plain that he didnt want anything to do with her when we were very small…..this is the first time hes expressed interest in her..

39 and 5days..

Happy 39th!

Never been in this position but as has been said listen and talk to him and see how you feel, might be great might be terrible but I'd make the leap if only to settle my 'what ifs'

As to your sister, that's very difficult I have an awkward situation within my family over 'blood' ties and I've made it clear I think it's shit. Having said that I'm still close to both parties

[devil's advocate]

If you are asking, you are unsure. Do it before it's too late – save yourself years of 'what ifs…'

Well if nothing else you might find out from him why he chose to leave, and then chose to not stay in touch once he had.

My father did something similar to his first family. However he might not tell you anything and indeed might be a c*ck without remorse. 😉

I never met my dad and never will. Couldnt hurt to see him could it?

nope i kinda thought that… ill meet him in a restaurant and he's bleeding paying! see what hes got to say

many thanks all….a load off an all that!

My grandfather did something similar, only it was 35 years. His family didn't want anything to do with him, so we never heard his side of the story, and we know nothing about our paternal line.

Thus my children only know 3/4 of my side's family history.

Whatever you may think, talk to him, stay engaged. Get the family history and stories. You owe it to your children.

My old fella walked out on us when I was 11, and I didn't hear from him again till I was 29, no contact at all. Then he only contacted as he had cancer, and had been advised if he had kids there was a chance in would be passed down so contacted to let me know I should get checked. Despite the shite he put my old girl through and his absence, I never really thought about him and figured I was over any anger I felt at him. So after his intial contact he contacted a few times after to see how my checks went, and did ask if I wanted a pint. Turns out he had been only streets away from me with a new famil for a few years, so did meet up, as I figured I'd got nothing to lose. Since then I've seen him once or twice a year, and will ring/ email. I made it clear to him that I no longer really considered him to be my dad, as my step dad had filled this role, but I was interested in knowing what he had been doing with himself. It's been an interesting experience as there are bits of myself I see in him, both physically and in personality. It did bring a few feelings up I thought I had got over, but nothing I could say really upset me. Overall I glad I'm in touch with him, and I've learnt a bit more about myself.

This is a difficult one. I didn't speak to my dad for a good few years (I was raised by my mum alone), and it was the only thing which could genuinely upset me. Made contact recently and feel much better. Give him a go, what have you got to lose?

My parents divorce came through on my first birthday, that was rhe last time I saw him, of course I don't remember him, and we never really talked about him, although I was curious.
I'd used some detective work online and tracked him down but didn't make contact.
A couple of years later my gran gets a phonecall out of the blue to day he'd died, I then spoke briefly to one of my half brother's and an uncle I didn't know I had, but made excuses not to go to the funeral, as I didn't feel it was my place to attend.
I know where he's buried and I'll visit next time I'm in the area.
Do I wish I'd made contact? One day yes the other No.
It's only yourself who can make the decision.

As smell_it, I can see similarites in myself to my dad, the only difference is my have been picked up from things written on memorial articels

My Dad & my 1/2 sister never had contact for 30 odd years & I never even met her till my 1/2 brother got them in touch. Turned out their mother had 'poisoned' my sis against my Dad! She now wishes she'd got in touch a lot lot earlier. I do too cos she's great!
Go with it & give him a chance. Good luck!

CaptainFlashheart – Member

At least he's made the first move.

+1. Mr Jimbo, he speak sense.

Go. Meet. Ask. Listen.

See what happens.

Good luck!

Indeed.

My dad had not seen his dad for 30 yrs until one day we came back from holiday to find a message that he was dead. My dad was very upset.

If he is a twunt you can walk away again but don't miss the opportunity to meet him

what i cant get my head round is how a bloke with a good job(he commanded oil tankers at one time) a young wife and family can be not at all interested in them and theyre development.

its just immeasureable slackness….i guess im wired differently, im close to my family/freinds and would do anything for anyone of them..

last time we met when i was 23 i did thank him for giving me a reverse blueprint of how a father should act! i just feel pity for him really…hes missed so much…

He may have won the lottery,

He may have been diagnosed with some terminal illness,

He may just want to see you both,

At least he is still alive,my dad isnt and every day i wish he wasnt,enjoy every day with him, as one day he wont be there.

If you do meet him, just bear in mind the impact it can have on those around you. Out of three brothers I'm the only one that continued any contact with my old man, and my old girl wasn't keen that I did. But you have to make your own choices, and be open with your folk.

cycleworlduk

Until you know his side of the story you cannot judge him.

he may have thought it better for you to keep away rather than appear now and then. He may have been ashamed of his actions and afraid of facing the consequences. There may be all sorts of benign reasons or he might just have been a selfish twunt.

Meet him with an open mind with a generous spirit. You have nothing to loose

You might regret it forever if you don't take the opportunity. You only live once.

What's the worst that can happen? You meet and decide you can't stand him. You don't meet again.

My circumstances are the reverse, my duaghter doesn't want see me even though it's her mum who has caused the rift between us, fuelled by my own parents. My sisters all back me up but my daughter won't have any of it and so I've not seen her for years now and it's hurts like hell. I've spoken to her, she's been to my house but she will not build any bridges and I'm not trying do it to clear my conscience, as I see it as we're only here once so why carry bad shit with you when you die. It's bad also for my kids who live with me as they have a sister who wants to stay out of their lives yet they've done nothing, even if she wants blame me. It upset my two kids for a while but I think they're getting used to the fact she will never be a part of their lives. Sad isn't it.

thats a real shame hadge,i hope things work out for the best…

im naturally a generous open person (with an underlying yorkshire cynicism!) and ill try not to judge him….

thanks all…the wisdom from here is all encompassing!

Cheers matey but I doubt they ever will. I've been judged by her and my honest, truthfull side of the story will not be listened too even though my family know it all and played their part in making it worse. I don't want die for her to feel sad when I'm gone, because when them pearly gates call that's it and if she wants say something then it will be too late.

I literally spat on my father's grave. I wished him dead (and sometimes me) from a very early age despite him being my only parent.
Just mentioned as a counter to the ineviteable "he's your dad, how can you bare not to see him again" comments.
No offence to the commentee's like but only you know how you feel and you aren't obligated to see him again just because he was one half of the reason for you existance.

You have to learn his reasons. There's always at least two sides to every story.

If he wants forgiveness, you have to decide if you want to throw it in his face or not. Sounds like you are a decent enough sort though. Everyone makes mistakes after all, some are bigger than others but still.

Just remember he will lie. His whole world has been a lie and whatever he says take it with a very large pinch of salt. My wife's dad tried to top himself and everything in the suicide note was a pack of lies – unbelievable.

You sound pretty sorted so don't waste your time

Just remember he will lie

Very very harsh indeed mate.

My wife's dad tried to top himself and everything in the suicide note was a pack of lies – unbelievable

So mental illness doesn't distort your perception of reality then, it was all just deliberate lies to annoy you?

Blimey – compassionate lot you seem to be.

My Dad got in touch after around 8 years when his mum (my nan) died. Me and my brother travelled up to Scotland to see him, to find he was shacked up with a wife the same age as me, two kids and we were immediately asked to lie about his age as she didn't really know how old he was.

The atmosphere was slightly strained, and then I didn't hear anything for a while when I got back, so I called him to find out that he'd moved with no forwarding address.

Still, half an hour on google a couple of years ago tracked him pretty easily, nice to see that he's doing well for himself, living in the lake district with his own yaucht, and spends a lot of time trying to track down his old sportscar from the 70s, because he was "forced to sell due to his expanding family". I do wonder how his young wife felt about the birthday balloons delivered to their house on his (real) 60th though, and how he got on explaining that one away. 😆

I guess it's going to be difficult, you will have nothing in common with him (probably). Maybe a good yardstick will be to see how much he talks about himself, and how much he asks about you and your sisters lives over the last 16 years and the next 16 years. Though, he's going to be as nervous/apprehensive as you, so you need to cut him some slack. IMO, you should go with it for a while, be positive, and then make a decision.