Mrs B needs a joke to use in a job interview

So, Mrs B has a job interview as a teaching assistant on Thursday. My mum works at the school and has been asking a few of the recent recruits what sort of questions were asked in the interview….several of them were asked what their favourite joke was. So, not having a favourite joke, Mrs B needs your help.

Her criteria when I suggested asking the STW massive….just a one liner, nothing racist 🙂 she doesn’t half make me laugh!

“Up until today, I always thought ‘career’ was a verb rather than a noun…”

Google “Tim Vine”. His one-liners are awesome.

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

what is the difference between light and hard?

you can sleep with a light on.

Two cows in a field, one goes, “Mooo”, the other goes, ” You bastard, I was just about to say that.”

Two ducks on a pond, one goes, “Quack”, the other goes, “You bastard, I was just about to easy that.”

Two MPs submitting expenses claims, one goes, “Oink, Oink”, the other says, “You bastard………… etc

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and **** off.’

Courtesy of Bernard Manning.

What’s brown and sticky….

A favourite for both me and my 8 y-o:

Why are pirates called “pirates”?

Dunno, they just Arrrrrrrrr….

Why did God only make one Yogi Bear?

He tried to make another but he made a boo boo!

A woman goes for a job interview, she couldn’t think of any jokes so got to her husband to ask on a bike forum.

What’s the bare minimum?

One bear!

Polygamy–the art of parrot folding
I’ve got very sensitive teeth–they’ll probably be upset I’ve told you

In her best Eastern European accent “How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.”

I guarantee after that bit of casual racism, she’ll get the job.

What’s brown and sticky….

The aristocrats!

Actual truth: My current boss commented in my interview that I had a lot of patience. I replied by comparing myself with a really good doctor….

Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share? (c) Dan Antopolski

Little Billy’s class went on a trip to the fire station. The fireman firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Billy’s hand shot up and the firefighter tells him to go ahead

“Easy, That’s how Mummy knows dinner is ready!”

what’s the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
snow balls.

How does one do well on a solution test?
Concentration.

Curtesy of Radio 4 this evening:

‘There are 11 kinds of people in the world; those who can understand Roman Numerals, and those who can’t.’

several of them were asked what their favourite joke was

chance of con-dems winning the next election.

How many Teachers/Civil Servants does it take to change a light bulb

CHANGE!!!!! STRIKE!!!!

Who can shave ten times a day and still have a beard?
A barber

What is a pirates favourite shop?
Arrrrgos

etc

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Ahdunnap
…

there’s been a break in at the Ambrosia factory

What do you get if you cross a snowman with a shark? Frostbite

Two teddybears in an airing cupboard, which one’s the solider?

The one on the tank.

What’s the second fastest food in the world?
Meeeeeeerrrrangue

What’s the fastest food in the world?
Scone.

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

You’re welcome.

What’s the most offensive kind of elf?

A go **** yours-elf!

A dwarf complained to the Policeman that he had been pick pocketed

The Policeman could believe anyone could stoop so low

What floats and goes quick?

A South African duck.

What’s the most common owl in the British Isles?

The teat owl.

My wife was sacked by a school for being cross-eyed. She couldn’t control her pupils

My wife’s an internet porn star.

She’s going to be furious when she finds out.

What’s the difference between an egg and a ****?

You can’t beat a good ****.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see the ugly bloke

Knock knock. Who’s there? The chicken.

Apparently there has been an explosion at the alphabetti spagetti factory.

………….it could spell disaster!

How do you kill a circus?

You go for the jugglar

People in Egypt don’t like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dahbi do..