Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 71 total)
  • Moving on after 5 years (relationship content)…
  • highclimber
    Free Member

    Hi guys, I am currently coming to terms with the fact that I have put the brakes on my relationship after 5 happy years (give or take a few heated arguments).

    Mainly, I took the decision to end it as I was no longer happy being in a relationship due to a plethora of doubts about our compatibility and my burning desire to concentrate on furthering my mountaineering career.

    Needless to say, this was not an easy decision to make and I have thought long and hard about its implications but, as selfish as it actually sounds, I feel I need to end this chapter of my life and begin a new one on my own with my own ambitions and this unfortunately means I cannot continue in the pretense of a happy relationship.

    She believes that its her fault, that there were things she did that has pushed me away but the real truth is that over 5 years of semi-constant contact I feel our differences (in personality) are too great for me to handle. She wants to buy a house and settle down and though we both agree we never wanted children I don’t want these.

    I realise I am being incredibly selfish about this but I have never felt this way about anything. I am not normally impulsive enough to just drop something suddenly but this is right for me at this stage in my life (nearly 30 with a good job and wanting to pursue my real desires)

    Any advice from people who have been in a similar situation would be a great help as I am unsure of how to communicate with her on what needs to happen next re. our flat and belongings etc.

    Thanks in advance

    (no silly remarks please and no trying to talk me out of leaving her as I have made my selfish mind up and trying to keep things simple!)

    oddjob
    Free Member

    Sounds very rational and cold hearted, but if that’s what you want then you decide.

    I tried to do the moving on without the dumping first at some point and I think that was a bad decision so in many ways you have done the decent thing. The only caveat is that you have to be certain that it is what you want.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Good luck.

    I think sometimes people stay in relationships for the wrong reasons (been there, etc). Ultimately, you’ve only got one life.

    highclimber
    Free Member

    you are correct about the cold hearted part but pain is best handled in one big hit rather than protracting the inevitable.

    It might not be the best decision from her point of view but I hope she will see why i have done what I have given enough time.

    I just hope she stops blaming herself and tries to move on (though I know this is often easier said than done)

    valleydaddy
    Free Member

    Go for it!!
    I stayed in a relationship for the sake of it over 15 years ago now and deeply regret wasting my opportunities for supposed love.

    If your meant to be together your paths will cross in the future.

    Just try and be amicable about everything it will make any financial issues a lot easier.

    As regards to flat etc – if you’re off travelling what do you need?

    All the best and talk to her sooner rather than later.

    simonfbarnes
    Free Member

    I realise I am being incredibly selfish about this

    you cannot realistically predicate your life on another person’s expectations. If you try the result will be worse.

    Junkyard
    Free Member

    no silly remarks please and no trying to talk me out of leaving her as I have made my selfish mind up and trying to keep things simple

    So we can only tell you that you have done the right thing then?
    No idea your life your decision. How can we confirm that it is right or wrong ?
    Just make sure she knows you are selfish and it is not her fault – perhaps show her this thread where you need the affirmation of strangers that being callous is ok? [broke both rules there 😉 ]

    plumber
    Free Member

    I was married to the most incredible, beautiful girl I had/have ever met

    However for reasons know only to her she started telling me what I could and couldn’t do.

    I thought I’d be better off and happier on my own.

    It was very cold hearted on reflection, however, I have never regretted my decision

    Plum

    highclimber
    Free Member

    I have sent her a text telling her she should call me if she feels she needs to and informed her that I am away from the flat for the next three nights for work purposes. I imagine she might come back in this time to collect a few things.

    Bregante
    Full Member

    I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. If you’re not happy then why stay in the relationship.

    You don’t have children and are both adults. People change and grow apart. If you were to stay in a relationship for the sake of the other party then surely you would just end up resenting her. Best to move on now before you commit yourself financially to a mortgage.

    I divorced 10 years ago – my decision based on my own selfish reasons.
    We have a son together so it was a bit different but I have never, ever regretted it for a single second despite it costing me in the region of £100k. My son is now old enough to understand and it was the best decision I ever made.

    simonfbarnes
    Free Member

    Plum that’s more than I’ve ever heard you say about the matter before! Now it starts to make sense!

    Zedsdead
    Free Member

    One life. Live it.

    highclimber
    Free Member

    So we can only tell you that you have done the right thing then?

    not at all, you can tell me that I am doing the wrong thing if you want but it won’t change my mind on this as since breaking the news I feel a huge weight has been removed from my shoulders.

    I accept that some people will think I am being a heartless bastard as I know I am but I cannot change the way I feel.

    joolsburger
    Free Member

    I think you need to be matter of fact about belongings and the flat etc.

    You’ve made a logical decision so you have to not be drawn into an emotional discussion. If the flat is owned or mortaged I suppose you have to give the option of buying you out or you sell and split the proceeds.

    What’s yours is yours what’s hers is hers and the stuff in the middle should be split equally based on value.

    scotbike
    Free Member

    As others have said, it’s not selfish to have the courage to end a relationship that’s not right and won’t be right.

    I used to climb a lot myself and I found it unreal the number of relationships that had failed amongst climbers, mostly due to the incompatability of trying to settle down/raise a family and to take a high risk activity to another level, whether that was on partner wishing to guide, or to just work on upping their grade.

    Good luck, you maybe didn’t realise you were carrying a burden – but as you say, a weight has been lifted and, sad as it makes you feel, you already know you’ve done the right thing.

    edit: ‘some people’ may well think you’re heartless, but it’s Your life!

    highclimber
    Free Member

    if the flat is owned or mortaged I suppose you have to give the option of buying you out or you sell and split the proceeds.

    #

    sorry, I didn’t explain this bit. The flat is rented and we have 5 months left on the Short hold Tenancy agreement and I have agreed to sort everything out re this (begging to the landlady to release us early etc).

    highclimber
    Free Member

    …due to the incompatability of trying to settle down/raise a family and to take a high risk activity to another level,

    This is another reason for the split, I can’t go away for months on end with not contact and have her under stress worrying if I am still alive. I don’t intend on taking undue risks but I know that accidents do happen.

    momo
    Full Member

    Hillclimber, I’m going through this from the other side of the relationship at the moment. My fiancee walked out on me 6 weeks ago, we were supposed to be getting married on the 4th of December.

    She told me that she wasn’t happy, and hadn’t been for a few months, and that although she loved me very much it felt as though we were merely existing together. I was completely heartbroken at first as I could only see the good things in our relationship, I have now gained a bit of perspective into things, and can see that we had drifted apart and did have differing long term goals in life.

    I still miss her every day, but understand that we wouldn’t have had a happy marriage.

    You can’t stay with someone if you’re really not happy as in the long term you will begin to resent them and feel trapped in the situation.

    Merchant-Banker
    Free Member

    been there done that. And your right, it is selfish, but you and only you, no yourself the best, and if it aint right it aint right.

    so well done pal, it takes a brave man to leave a relationship for the reasons youve given. so bravo.

    just make sure you dont waste this new found freedom on the next blonde that comes along.

    highclimber
    Free Member

    just make sure you dont waste this new found freedom on the next blonde that comes along.

    I won’t, besides, i prefer brunettes.

    thanks for the support. 🙂

    Cougar
    Full Member

    I won’t, besides, i prefer brunettes.

    See, I knew you were a sensible chap.

    rOcKeTdOg
    Full Member

    one life, live it
    more selfish to carry on with the relationship than to do what you have done, i applaud you chap and good luck with the mountaineering dreams

    highclimber
    Free Member

    As hard and emotional this is, I know its the right decision and hope someday she will forgive me so we can still be friends.

    molgrips
    Free Member

    It’s not selfish, it’s sensible.

    She needs to realise that it’s not her also. Sometimes people just aren’t right, it’s not about what you each do.

    If you ARE right for each other and someone does things wrong, then you end up forgiving each other and getting closer again.

    If you AREN’T right, then no matter what each of you does it’s never going to work.

    highclimber
    Free Member

    She needs to realise that it’s not her also. Sometimes people just aren’t right, it’s not about what you each do.

    If you ARE right for each other and someone does things wrong, then you end up forgiving each other and getting closer again.

    If you AREN’T right, then no matter what each of you does it’s never going to work.

    all true words and my justification for the decision but doesn’t quell the overwhelming guilt that she might be blaming herself but I suppose I cannot help that!

    molgrips
    Free Member

    I was going to protest and argue when my last ex called me a complete b*stard.. but I decided to let her think that.

    ianv
    Free Member

    I suppose you got to do what you think is right but I am curious. In all honesty, are you really that good that you must commit 100% to make any worthwhile improvement. I knew/know people climbing 8c/8c+ who have a family and a full time job.

    highclimber
    Free Member

    I’m not talking about giving up everything I have loved for 5 years for the ability to climb 8a. I want to pursue a career in mountain leading and teaching climbing.

    The relationship itself was going nowhere in my eyes and I want to travel some more, Climb in more obscure places which she wouldn’t want to do as she was completely averse to heights and the sort of environments I want to explore.

    ononeorange
    Full Member

    Only you know the exact circumstances of course, but I applaud you for having the courage to step outside of a comfortable place in that way.

    hora
    Free Member

    Well done OP but do not go back to dally and I’d reckon temper any reply by text etc to her. She needs to get her head clear of the guidelines etc.

    It takes a brave man to finish a relationship that isn’t quite right. Most men will accept its ok to carry on.

    I walked away from my ex. Hardest thing I did and I still miss her (as she was then, not what she was becoming/became).

    yunki
    Free Member

    no way is your decision a selfish one… but to stay would be cowardly..

    there are far too many people in this world struggling on in mis-matched partnerships for desperate reasons.. completely unaware of how a loving relationship really functions..

    the old cliche about love conquering all really is true..

    grim determination and a sense of duty will do the same job… but only half as well and extraordinarily uninspiringly..

    run to the hills.. set the girl free to find someone more suitable.. she’ll thank you one day

    highclimber
    Free Member

    no way is your decision a selfish one… but to stay would be cowardly..

    I have been a coward for not standing up to my feelings for a while. She even said I was a coward and I agreed. but no more. I have been hiding it very well, she was shocked as she thought there was nothing wrong.

    I spoke to her last night and we agreed not to have any contact for a while until I have had time to think over things and for her to grieve. I am busy at work and I have been hiding it from my colleagues but no doubt I will have to have some time off soon.

    Hora, you are not wrong – this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with (excluding my father’s untimely death) but I have realised that I feel too young to settle down with a mortgage and a wife and needs must

    hora
    Free Member

    You are more of a man that you know yet highclimber.

    Hold your head high Sir 🙂

    I like to drink with people of your calibre.

    Mounty_73
    Full Member

    My circumstances were a little different, but I was in a 4 year or so relationship and I finally reached the point where I had to call it a day…

    I cannot describe to you how hard that was and how it made me feel….even though at the time it was the right decision….(and this is the bit that is different)….

    I have always regretted leaving, but at the time it was the right thing to do, as it was destroying my partner and I could not stand by and watch it, therefore thought she would be better off without me…

    But to walk away takes courage, strength, guts whatever you want to call it… good luck to you.

    hora
    Free Member

    Yes. I remember one instance of my ex running down the road and jumping on my back. How it made me feel like an utter **** and how much I still felt for her. I hope she is happy now.

    U31
    Free Member

    I ain’t remained friends with any of my exes, for a reason. And i broke up from a few of them on good terms.
    Keep away from ’em.

    hora
    Free Member

    To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all.

    That cruel and bitter ache of tender love. The feeling of loss and regret. It almost drives you to sweet and deep thoughtful poetry.

    buzz-lightyear
    Free Member

    You are being honest with yourself and her. You have simply decided what you want and it isn’t her. Just be as kind as you can. And good luck.

    molgrips
    Free Member

    Highclimber, where d’you live?

    U31
    Free Member

    Grooming already, Mol?

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