In the supermarket a few weeks back I was wrangling the trolley and 3yo as my wife darted from aisle to aisle. I lost sight of her for the umpteenth time and was starting to get a bit narkey. I said to my daughter "Shall we chop mummy's legs off?", she exclaims "NO!" then after a short pause "We haven't got a knife…".

Not exactly 'What kids say' but

Dad had lost his vibrating thermal massaging thing the doctor had given him to help his elbow recover.
Walking through Lymington on a very busy Sunday I was explaining this to my 87 year olds Grandmother. She suddenly realised what it was we had ^been looking for and shouts across the street to Dad

'Hey Lewis, I have found your vibrator, it is in my bed if you want it'

An awful lot of people stopped, looked and nearly choked on their ice creams.

The other great one from Grandma happened in Blackpool when some blokes on a stag night walked past with a sex doll under their arm.

Grandma said 'Thats a funny lilo'
I explained what it was and she said 'Oh, so why did she have her mouth open, she would look a lot prettier if she was smiling'

At that point I stopped the explanation.

One of my two was eating Jelly Babies and told me she didn't like Black people (Black Jelly Babies). Gave me a giggle in a childish way.

On Mickey Mouse Playhouse they sing a song "Shake your peanuts, shake, shake your peanuts".

I've got a feeling that somebody employed on that programme has a sense of mischief and knows that kids aren't going to pronounce 'peanuts' properly.

My 3 yr old started singing it loudly in public, and the more we tried to stop her, the louder it got..

Youngest ran up to his nursery worker last week and told her to 'shake what ya momma gave you', and proceeded to demonstrate…(Chipmunks has a LOT to answer for…).
Same child tonight, as I arrive home with my boss announces 'Hi daddy, I am outside playing with my balls….'(marbles, honest).,

My son did a corker late one night a few years ago. He always sleeps with a night light. One night the bulb must have blown, result, pitch darkness in his room.

2am, loud scream, "My eyes, theres something wrong with my eyes, I can't see anything!!!!!!"

Me & Mrs MFL, mad panic, dive into room, fall over the toys on the floor, turn on big light, child sits up in bed – "Oh". Lies down, goes back to sleep!!!!

These are brilliant.

When I get in from the cycle commute home, normally go through to the bedroom and get changed whilst the kids leap about on the bed (2yo daughter and 5yo son) and generally get up to high jinx.

Recently getting changed and the girl stopped, pointed at my crotch as said "what's that daddy?". Well, in the interests of being factual I said "It's my willy. Daddy has a willy, just like your brother. Boys have them, girls don't".

She looked at me with a expression of great pity and said "hmm, yes, not a hamburger" 😯

not a clue where that came from! 😆

My wifes little dog had to be put down 2 weeks ago due to cancer.. wife heartbroken, me treading on eggshells etc.
My Granddaughter comes round with my daughter… who had prompted little one not to say anything..
The first words.. yer dogs dead, you havent got a dog any more.. we have tho'

my friend had made a treasure map and buried "treasure" in a beach, and was quite keen to get the hunt over with that night… he pretended to find the map in front of his 4 yr old and exclaimed "found a treasure map, want to find the treasure?"

his kid says "nah, we can do it tomorrow"
dad says "but what if someone else finds it?"
Kid comes out with the best line… "duh…! They wont. We've got the map!"

made me happy

Not so much what kids say as the adults around them..

My friends youngest daughter, having been taught the benefits of eating well etc. says to mum's partner..

"A***, is this chicken healthy?"

To which he replies, "No, it's dead."

😆

I'm sure I've done this on here before but the conversation went like this;
Dad, what's a mong?
Well son, it's a name that some people call other people who might look a bit different, it's complicated to explain, but it's not a very nice thing to call someone… Why do you ask?
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Well it says here that the Rainbow Fish was AMONG friends…..