I think the problem is somewhere in the differences between my wife and I in how much discipline there should be. She is only interested in distracting him from whatever naughty things he was doing and moving onto something positive meaning that there are no consequences for misbehaving. I tend to think there should be some consequences for behaving badly but then it always escalates into all out war…

I think this is the core of the problem. He has spotted the different styles of your parenting and is exploiting them. Children need firm boundaries and consistency.

Distraction works up to a point, but I think you're right, that at a certain age, there should be consequences for bad/unwanted behaviour. It needs to be explained what is and isn't acceptable and be clear and consistent about what the consequences are for these behaviours. He also needs alternative ways of behaving offered, so your wife needs to tell him what you don't want him to do, but also tell him what you do want him to do. The 'supernanny' type programmes illustrate the basic techniques quite well (whatever people think of their merits).

From experience and from a good bit of study for my professional training, I believe that we need to be firm but loving with our children, the laissaiz faire style of 'lets be friends with our children' is a failure, in my opinion. Giving children too much of a free rein and too much choice is not kind and loving, it is setting them up for a life of frustration, self centeredness and disappointment when they learn that one can't have one's own way all the time.

I've got two kids and they are by no means perfect, but I can see the effects of changes in my life circumstances and consequent parenting abilities in how each of the children are in their behaviour and personalities. The younger one, who benefitted from me having the strength and patience to be more of the parent I've described (loving, consistent but firm and in charge) is far 'better behaved' than her older brother.
In my opinion is essential that you and your wife are coming from the same perspective though, so in that respect, you are going to have a hard time either way. Good luck with it though.

Sounds like he's playing you off against each other. When he starts off get him on the naughty step. Each kid is different so there won't be a an easy answer.

edit: and ditto what jojoA1 said

Keep him busy and teach him useful stuff. I bought my 3 year old an MGB and last weekend I taught him how to mig weld. When he's finished the bodywork, I'll teach him how to strip and rebuild the twin SU carbs and the overdrive.

He's the only 3 year old in his nursery who can start a car with a manual choke!

oddjob

we have one that was a bit like that, suspected mild asbergers.
He is just 7 now & calming down, we have used EyeQ (omega oils) which seamed to help a lot at that sort of 4//5/6 age range.

I think that I read somewhere that some kids (mainly boys) are naturally over excited at the younger age but roughly at the age of 7 hormones kick in that slow down the heart rate & them down. Don't know if it's true but our lad is just 7 & he is slowing down.
Stick with, it's well worth it.

IME bringing up boys is like having dogs – if they don't get enough exercise they'll destroy the house. At 5 years old I was quite structured with them so they knew where they are. Up with them, breakfast and a bit of telly / video (if that's his bag). By 10a.m. (at the latest) out of the house with them and take him down to the Park / Swimming / feed the Ducks etc…(used to work with my 3) as much as you can:
1) It gets him (and you) out of the house into fresh air.
2) One on one time – when you make the rules
3) Good bonding playing together

But also he could well still be miffed about having to share his parents…. My eldest is almost 16 and still wishes he was an only child most of the time.

sounnds to me (as the naughty kid) like a combination of getting the rules between mummy and daddy straightened out, and praps hyperactivity.

i got "diagnosed" with AttentionDeficitHyperativityDisorder" when i was young, but personally i think its bull, you cant have it or not have it. ALL people have a certain degree, but some people, like me, have metabolisms where if i dont have plenty of exercise, im bouncing off the walls, or in a massive crash and depressed.
also cant concentrate on anything either….. (OOOO SOMETHING SHINEY)
….
does the wee tyke have a focus?

get the wee bugger tearing around the garden to knacker him out?
or get a young dog, then they can knacker each other out?

dangriff, some jobs on them MG's only a kid will be able to manage, both physically and mentally, the octaganol MG badge is the insignia of the octobstad man who has 8 arms & each hand with 8 fingers that can each do a nut up to 80 ft lb's that designed the things.

Back on topic.
I inherited my lad at 7, he was and still is a bit wild, but 2 years on things are loads better, but don't be frightened of the pigeon holing thing, he might well have some small problems as I mentioned earlier, and if you don't go the pigeon hole route you wont get the help & support he needs when he is at school. Its well worth reading up on these things, that said you don't treat them any different, but its easier for you to understand why.

I'll have a look at the book but I think he is happy, it's just me that's struggling

The book is helpful in that it helps you understand why he does what he does. I am getting much less wound up since reading (some of) it.

if all else fails….

(For you, not him – that would be irresponsible). It doesn't stop him misbehaving in anyway but it doesn't really matter any more.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till its gone… 😕

so true it hurts 🙁

Have you asked yourself what Casar Millan would do?

This has echoes of my family dynamic, although we've mostly (we think) got it cracked.

As has been said, its a difference in parenting styles. I'm rules based with consequences and the wife is more permissive. One on one with both my kids is fine, good as gold, well behaved and well mannered, put my wife into the equation and they push, push, push. They do it because they get what they want from her if they act up, but they don't from me.

Since I've been full-time carer and the wife is out to work, the 'balance of power' is more with me, with mummy left to do bedtime.

They run her ragged at bedtime – It often takes 2 hours to settle my eldest.

TBH, I've told her till I'm blue in the face, but she feels like she's being mean to them if she moves to a more rules based style.

She can make the rod for her own back, I'm out of it. Since we don't really have to opportunity for shared parenting, its not much of a problem.

Your solution IMO is get your children's mum to honestly assess what she's doing and move away from it. Good luck with that!