A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a
tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $1,000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
‘Yes?’ she inquires with a knowing smile, ‘can I help you?’
‘I was wondering,’ whispers the old biker, ‘are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?’
‘Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am.’
The old biker replies, ‘Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.’

[chuckles]

🙂

this was emailed to me this morning:

This is serious. Please BEWARE!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever ‘Eastern European’ scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It’s impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco in Telford . You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also September 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

😆 😆 😆

This was in my inbox this morning…

A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

‘Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig’s OK, but he’s stuck in the bullbars at the front of my Ute and
is wriggling and squealing so much I can’t get him out.’

The manager says,’Ok, there’s a …303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you’ll be able to remove him.’

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, ‘I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can’t go on’.

‘Now what’s the problem?’ raged the Manager.

‘Well boss, it’s his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.’

‘… You there Boss?

ok, so two builders are having their dinnertime sandwiches when one says to the other
“hey Paddy, what you got on your sandwiches”
“crab paste” says Paddy “but it’s fekkin awful, i can’t eat it, I’m just gonna chuck it”
“no, wait, I love crab paste, me, i’ll have it”
So paddy hands over the crab paste sanwich to mick, who takes one bite and spits out
“that’s disgusting” he says “where did you get that crab paste from?”
“Boots the Chemist”

ok, got my coat

and i received

Some old, some new…

Something to offend everyone!

A history teacher asks a class full of kids ‘What was Churchill famous for?’
A kid at the back shouts out ‘He was the last white man to be called Winston!’

———————————————————————-

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

———————————————————————-

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane……

———————————————————————-

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says ‘Show me it’s true what they say about black men’… So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

———————————————————————-

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me…

‘Oi, what’s your disability?’

I said ‘Tourettes! Now **** off!’

———————————————————————-

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can’t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

‘Excuse me do I know you?’ he asks.
‘Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids’ she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says ‘Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?’

‘No’ she replies ‘I’m your son’s English teacher!’

———————————————————————-

I said to the wife, ‘I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said ‘Thick Cut’ ‘

———————————————————————-

What’s the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

———————————————————————-

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband ‘I must confess darling, I was a hooker!’.

He says ‘That’s all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it’.

She replies ‘Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !’.

———————————————————————-

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He’s overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he’s shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

‘SISTER ROSE!!!’ she roars ‘Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy’s balls off the wet floor!!’

———————————————————————-

Tampax are changing their design, they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel …. This is for the Christmas period only!

———————————————————————-

A man says to his wife ‘tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time’.

His wife replies ‘You’ve got a bigger knob than your brother’

I’m send Poindexter’s one round ! 😀

Bruneep, the seventies called, they want their jokes back…

😉

I am only the messenger…..please don’t shoot me 😐

DezB – you didn’t get the punchline quite right (well, not the version I know).

‘I’ve already had my wallet stolen 3 times this week, but I couldn’t find them on Saturday’

Here’s one I was sent yesterday and caused me to spill my tea!! If you’ve seen it before I’m sorry but if not it’s worth a read.

Life in the Australian Army…

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am.. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila 😀

jova, thats the biggest let down yet!

Jova, who do I sue for those 2 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back?

Poindexter,
Probably the person who taught you to read. It took me about 30 seconds 😉

Jova’s was better without the ending.

bruneep, 😆 😆 😆

little jonny’s teacher asks the class to name animals beginning with ‘B’.

“ok, sophia. can you name an animal?”

“bear”

“very good, sophia. mikey?”

“bat, miss”

“very good, mikey. johnny?”

“rabbit, miss. BIG F#CK OFF rabbit”

Paddy says to Murphy ‘ Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?’

Murphy ‘You thick tw*t, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the f*cking boat!’

A man walks into the Doctor’s with a carrot sticking out of his nose and some celery sticking out of his ear.
The doctor says “i know what’s wrong with you: you’re not eating properly!”

I’ll get me Karrimor Vail…

Someone I know bought a clever new car stereo.
When you shout out “Rap”, it plays rap music.
When you shout out “Rock”, it plays rock music.
Some kids ran in front of his car, so he shouted
“f**king kids!” It played Michael Jackson.

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting
room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, “So why are you here?”
“I’m a pisser,” the Boxer replies, “I piss on everything – the sofa, the
cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the
middle of my owner’s bed.”
“So what is the vet going to do?” the Doberman asks.
“Lethal injection” came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, “Why are you here?”
“I’m a digger,” said the Labrador. “I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in
my owner’s couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the Doberman inquired.
“Lethal injection,” the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then asks the Doberman why he’s at the vet’s office.
“I’m a humper,” the Doberman says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump – everything I
see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back
and started humping away.”
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, “So, lethal injection
for you too, huh?”
“No, no,” the Doberman says, “I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

alpin I think half that joke is missing.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole,looking up.

A blonde walked by and asked them what they were doing..

Paddy replied, “We’re supposed to be findin’ the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder.”

The blonde took out an adjustable wrench from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her purse, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet, 6inches. Then she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, “Isn’t that just like a blonde.. We need the height and she gives us the length!”

What’s Mr T’s favourite yoghurt?

A Petit Filous