It's Friday – where are they? 🙂

I don't get it

Badoom-Tish.

What do you call a train that hasn't passed its exams?

A trainee

I went to the doctors last week…
She informed me in no uncertain terms that I was to quit masturbating..

Shocked and quite put out.. I enquired as to why on earth I should need to quit spanking the monkey..

'SO that I may finish examining you Mr Yunki….' was her curt reply!

Recently discovered documents in the Swiss archives have shown that William Tell was a keen bowler. Unfortunately there was little information about which team he actually played for.
Therefore we will never know for whom the Tell bowls.

Made me giggle but i'm odd like that

A Mars bar and a Twix are sitting having a quiet pint when in swaggers packet of Tunes.

"Come on, drink up" says Mars, obviously worried. "I don't like his sort"
"Why's that?" asks the puzzled Twix "He don't look like trouble"
"Oh, don't mess with him, he's menthol"

———————————————-

The M1 and the A1 are in the same pub the next day when through the door blunders a long strip of red tarmac

"Ohh, here comes trouble" remarks the M1, edging away
"Eh?" asks the A1 "Why's the biggest road in the country scared of a skinny runt like that?"
"Aww mate! Don't you know? He's a bloody cyclepath!"

Ba-dum-tishhhhh!
I'm here all week!

Don't buy a quibble from Amazon. They have a 'no quibbles return policy' and now I'm stuck with it.

I have a friend who has no hands. I really feel for him.

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night and she said mine was the biggest willy she'd ever had her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg".

My girlfriend said she's worried that I might have a drinking problem.

I said it's not a problem because I drink DOT5.1 – I can stop anytime I like.

I have a drinking problem: 2 hands and only one mouth.

Scientists have found that alcohol contains the female hormone.

Four pints and you start talking shit and can't drive properly.

Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?

George Clooney will be starring in a biopic about Gary Glitter.
It'll be called "Oh She's Eleven"

Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.

Wife was naked looking in the mirror in the bedroom the other day. She said "I'm fat and I'm ugly, pay me a compliment"
I said "well, your eyesight's spot on".

What do you call a Spanish streaker? Senor Willy

What do you call an Irish homosexual? Pat McGroin

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto

whats warm and slippery?

A slipper

whats warm and slippery?

A slipper
LOVL and forwarded to all my mates.

Reminds me of…

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

Then there was the baker with smelly fingers.

He kneeded a poo.

And the constipated mathematician, who worked it out with a pencil

😳

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

a new shop has opened in Glasgow specialising in female to male sex-change.
It's called Gash-convertors

Two fish in a tank. One says "have you a license for driving this thing?"

And its companion,

Two parrots on a perch, one says to the other, "can you smell fish?"

Two fish in a tank. One says "have you a license for driving this thing?"

My (rather dim) ex-sister in law once tried to tell that joke like this…

Two fish in a bowl. One says "have you a license for driving this thing?
😆

Did you hear about the ice-cream man? Police found him dead in his van, covered in raspberry sauce and chopped nuts.

They reckon he topped himself.

Four cows in a field – which one's on holiday???
The one with the wee calf……….

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

What says "Mark!… Mark!… Mark!….. Mark!!!…….. MARK!!!!!….."?

A dog with a harelip.

well ok, if that's the way we're going..

Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says

"Does this taste funny to you?"

Whats ET short for? coz he's got little legs.

My wife's favourite joke.

What's red and lies on its back?

A dead bus!!

Rambling – jewelery for sheep.

2 parrots sitting on a perch

one says 'can yyou smell fish?'

How do you know when your dad's been shagging your sister up the a$$?

__

His c0ck tastes funny.

Ed, beaten by about 10 posts.

@ Omar Little. Pat MaGroin has a Scottish boyfriend. Phil MaCrackin.

American tourist on holiday in the uk. He meets a farmer stood at a gate.
"I have a ranch back home you know. It takes me a full day to drive from one side of my land to the other.
"Aye" replies the farmer, "I used to have a car like that too."

Omar Little – wrong. The Scottish hermesexual would rather be up to his knees in peat than up to his ankles in heather.