Mover out of Gotham a few weeks ago to somewhere semi-rural.

So far somebody has burned down the farm house near the village church and today there was a body found in a torched car just round the corner. I asked the door to door egg selling lady what was going on… and she just gave me a wink and a nod. 😯

stick to the path, stay away from the moors.

Avoid the Village Fete.

"The greater good"

i heard nothing

Aye, there was a human arm found dumped in the lane a few 100m from where I live.

Avoid the Village Fete.

We went to the fete last year to check out how mutated the locals are*. It was like something off The Wicker Man.

*Locals are normal… apart from a few with very wide faces.

Hmm, sounds like the Egg seller went on a home-brewed crystal meth rampage of revenge after a consignment of covert free range went astray during a turf war with the local Costcutter. Dont worry, its quite normal, happens all the time out in the sticks.

Better keep on her good side, just in case 😉

At £1.10 for half a dozen it would be foolish not to be on her good side.

One of the pubs had a blaze the other week too!

'Gotham'?

and she just gave me a wink and a nod

you have pulled 😉

That "wink" means you are now part of the inner circle.

and "nod" means you're a marked man.

My favourite from the "local rag"

"The man was spotted brandishing an arm, which was not his own."

There are so many questions to ask the writer about that sentence

Any nosebleeds from the produce from your friendly local butcher yet?

Broken egg on the bumper of my car this morning!

Either the egg selling lady had an accident or I’ve been marked for sacrifice.

that's eggstraordinary.

When me and the missus moved to Cornwall a few years ago, we lived in a village not far from Lands end called St Buryan (it's where they filmed Straw dogs). I remember a 'difference of opinion' between the local farmer and some of the villagers, which resulted in a dog being killed and tied to someones front door with baling twine. Country life – what a load of old sh**e!

You do realise that Chief Inspector whathis face won't catch the killer until after the third murder…..

It's not "proper" country. We are only about a mile from the main road into Manchester and the village secondary school has capacity for about 2000 kids.

On this evidence if I had moved to the "proper" country I suspect that I would have been burned at the stake or eaten by the locals.