Just found out that I’m going to be a dad for the first time at the age of 46 and I’m terrified! Wife and I have been together for about 15 years and got married 2 years ago. We talked about having a family but it was never a priority then last year she had a bit of a medical scare which meant we might not be able to have kids. After things cleared up we both decided to try for a baby which took a while but she is now pregnant. It’s finally hit me that I’m going to be a dad and I feel a bit all over the place with all sorts of emotions going through my head. I’ve started reading stuff online but there is so much information I don’t know where to start, so does anyone have any good tips or recommended reading/websites?
Thanks.

My partner is due in < 2 weeks. I have done no planning. Not a baby person, do not like kids, just going to deal with situations as they occur. No point trying to prepare for everything just be flexible. Some really stupid people have babies and they manage fine.

Most books are bullshit. Talk to family if you can. You’ll be fine, might take a while I was expecting a bolt of lightening or something when kid was born, it never happend. Then a few months down the line you suddenly realise you’d jump underca bus gladly for this thing. Its great dontvworry, enjoy it.

^ that

I know this might not sound helpful, but try not to worry about reading stuff now. For every piece of info you’ll read, there’ll be 10 other conflicting things out there just to confuse you. We’ve been given directly conflicting advice from midwives, gp’s, health visitors and nurses all from the same surgery!!

This isn’t meant to worry you, my point is that you will just work it out for yourself and get the advice as when you need it (Singletrack Dadsnet gave me some tips!)

Whatever a particular book says about what to expect, it will not take into account that this is your baby and your baby has not read the book and is different from all other babies, just like mine is!

After 14 weeks, it’s still hard work (really hard) but there’s been great times and more great stuff to come. She’s never consistent, behaving differently every day, but she’s healthy, happy (mostly!) and growing and that’s what matters.

P.S our essential items : automatic bouncy chair, robopax pram rocker, Thule Chariot pram for off road pushes, Tommy tippee bottle prep machine (people will scoff but removing the thought from preparing bottles is well worth the £60)

You’ll do fine.

Only bits of advice I’d offer are:

1) Don’t take any advice. Do your own thing, you’ll almost certainly not make a mess of it. Advice will be conflicting and just confuse you.

2) Remember the 10 minute rule. When baby is crying incessantly and you’re at your wits end. Put him/her down in his/her cot and walk away. They’ll be fine. Have 10 minutes to yourself. If they’re still crying after that, go back and calm them. Repeat as required. Children are extremely resilient. Parents probably less so. You are more likely to break than the baby. I can fully understand why babies are shaken. Not through lack of love for them, but because parents don’t recognise when they need to walk away.

For me three kids has been the best thing ever. 19, 17 and 15 now and the time has flown by.

Enjoy and congratulations.

Rich.

Some really stupid people have babies and they manage fine.

Well some do but the important point here is that a lot don’t.

There is nothing I’ve done or experienced in my life that even comes close to joy and importance of being a father but it’s also by the far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You learn a lot about yourself in a very short space of time. You can’t prepare for that but it does help when other people around you acknowledge that it is hard and that sometimes you feel you come up short.

My little invaluable tips would inlcude the following:

Take as much time as you possible can off work. You can now take up to six month shared parental leave and you really should take advantage of that assuming you can afford it. If nothing else, take at least the first two to three weeks off.

Whatever your partner decides to do with feeding, opting for a bottle feed at some point during the night will do two things. First it will give your partner much needed sleep and respite. Second, it will accelerate your bonding with your child, well it did with me. Those feeding moments were such a joy.

Take as much help as you can from everyone around you but hold it all off for the first week or so. It really worked for us that we had just the three of us at home for the first two weeks. Everyone is different of course.

Take lots and lots of pictures. They change so fast that a few months down the line you completely forget just how small they were.

Good luck – it’s a joy and so rewarding.

Congratulations. You are about to embark on the most exhausting, expensive and chaotic journey life can throw at you, but the most rewarding and amazing! I agree with the above, there is no instruction manual, don’t be sucked into any of the books out there, every baby is different and unfortunately there is no way around it, you as parents have to find your way through and find your own path, there are no short cuts unfortunately. Don’t let your wife be bullied into doing anything that she doesn’t want to do or doesn’t feel like is right for her or baby – mothers instincts are almost always correct, and she is as important as the baby, and fathers should take a back seat and put mother and baby first. There is only one piece of advice I would offer – never wake a sleeping baby.

One thing a midwife said to us just before our first was born stayed with me and through the birth and first 12 to 18 months of their life. She said that baby will thrive despite us and not because of us. And never have truer words been said – you will make mistakes. Often, but baby will be fine, you just need to accept you will make mistakes and not let that make you feel like you’re doing a crap job.

Good luck!

Firstly, massive congrats to you and mrssteelfan. Being a dad is the most enjoyable and satisfying thing I have ever done. I never even knew that emotion this strong existed. My boy is 2 1/2 now and I have loved every minute of it.
As for books; a friend of mine wrote a half decent one from a dads point of view (i.e; completely practical)

Start stockpiling baby wipes and nappies now.

My first is due September. It’s normal to feel a bit apprehensive, its a big life change.

I’ve been reading The Expectant Dad’s Handbook, by far the best book I’ve been handed so far.

I’m looking forward to meeting my little one, she’s going to be ace 😀

Keep riding your bike our you’ll go mental. Good luck and congratulations!

If you are not all ready,get fit,it will help.
We had kids before people went to the internet for answers,so it helped that our NCT group were thee most lovely and supportive crowd. We were all in it together (no family near by)with our first kids,so shared all the ups,downs,while trying to muddle through.Now more than 20 yrs later we are still in touch with lots of them.
Hope everything goes well and ..DON’T PANIC! 🙂

Congrats. 14 months in now and my boy is a lot of fun. Challenging at times but a great laugh. I found the first 7 months very hard. Had no more than 4 hours sleep broken into a couple of hours here and there. Nearly broke me. Nearly walked out nearly got fired etc… then he started sleeping. Everything is easier when you have soon sleep!

Hopefully you have some friends and family close by to support you. As above take as much time off as possible. I’d also consider looking at your job if it is long hours stressful or a long commute it will make things very tough.

Also however bad you feel, the wife is worse!

Sounds doom and gloom but it isn’t that phase ends and like I said I love him to bits. So much I want a second, with a view that I’ll just write off the first 6 months…

Looking forward to taking him round my local woods at lunch today!

As others have said, it can’t be that hard. But sometimes it feels it…

I’m not that much older than you, but my 3 are at an age were we’re expecting a ‘grand child’ call, so tbh rather you than me.

Only advice, make sure your wife stops work as soon as she can. And if financially you can manage, one of you doesn’t work until it’s school age.

When I had mine, even the day they were born had to be taken as holiday from work, no paternity then.

Congratulations. It’s a big change but a good one. Difficult but rewarding.

To use a bike analogy there’s lots of uphill struggle but plenty of rewarding joy as well.

You’ll work out all the practicalities in your own way. People’s advise is always full of nostalgia as we all tend to forget the sleepless nights and worry and remember the good bits.

Having said that the I’ve got some advise for you…do as much as you can. Dont take a back seat and let your wife do it all. The more you get involved the more you’ll get out of it. Support your wife as much as you can and try not to get into arguments about who’s doing more or who got up last time. Do the chores and general try to be helpful. A happy mum makes a happy child. Most of all though take time to enjoy it and be there for your kid. It goes very quickly and they will soon be grumpy teenagers.

Like everyone else says, stop reading stuff. To start with at least, kids are simple – feed one end, clean the other end, get it the right injections at the right time. Do all that and it’ll be fine.

It’s very tempting (and I say this as someone who likes buying the right workshop tool for anything) to be a stereotypical bloke and read all the manuals as if that’s the way to understand a baby as if it’s a car. Also tempting to go buy lots of stuff. Try to resist both impulses.

Look after yourself and each other, that’s the most important part.

Oh and do baby signing with them. It works and you’ll love it when the point at a doggie and do the sign. Monkey still makes me laugh every time.

I’m sat here reading this thread having been up most of the night with a new born. I’m now watching our 2 yr old arrange a hedgehog tea party (did you know that hedgehogs eat toast and chillis for breakfast?).

As others have said – it’s the hardest but best thing you’ll do. The first four months are the hardest but just remember it does get easier!

Oh and I agree completely with ignoring the Internet, books and well wishers – find what works for you!

Good luck 😀

Now have an 8mth old (at 44) with wife no.2. Have 10yr and 8yr old with ex-wife. I’d forgotten how tiring, stretching, yet amazing having a newborn is. I agree with a lot of the advice above. Understand that you will experience tiredness the like of which you have never experienced before. There will be times of great frustration. You and the missus are probably going to disagree at times as you will be having to make lots 9f decisions when very tired. This is normal and you will get through it. On the plus s8de this little miracle will appear and things like the first smile, the first laugh, the way you see their little personality developing are truly magical. It’s a crazy adventure, it will stretch you but you’ll get so much out of it.
One piece of advice, try to get the baby into a routine – certainly by 5-6 months of feeding and sleeping at consistent times. Helps enormously. But don’t be a slave to the routine. And remember you’re their dad, not their best mate. From time to time you need to assert your authority. Reward good behaviour and enforce consequences for bad. Do that and you’ll be reet..
Good luck and enjoy!

Never be more than 3′ from a muslin cloth.
Buy them in packs of 12 from mothercare.
You’re welcome.

Babies are ace

It can be tough at first

Some good advice up there
There’s always lots of that to be had, family nearby can be very useful, if not then nct can be good for some support.
There’s an awful lot of pressure on mums to have the perfect pregnancy, the perfect birth, breastfeeding etc etc
Most of which is rubbish, biologicaly many things can be out of your control, so strap in and enjoy the ride!

Mostly though it’s about finding a routine;
sleep, nappy change feed, repeat….. (applies to mum n dad too)

Takes a while to find that but it makes life much easier for all 3 of you

My personal tips….
Mixing bottle feeding with Breast, gives mum a break and makes weaning easier (tomy tipee prep machine is great)
Baby bjorn bouncy chairs are good
Don’t have them in bed with you too much, makes sleep training harder
Grove clocks are ace for when they are older
Don’t be afraid to buy second hand buggies etc, nappies from Aldi,
beware of buying too many gadgets, sterilisers (microwave and a big tuperware will do) nappies bins…

Enjoy!

Make sure you’re at the birth.
I found ‘How to solve your child’s sleep problems’ a very useful little book.
Accept offers of any good second-hand stuff, they outgrow it very quickly.
I know older fathers than you who made a good job of it.

Book your paternity leave in plenty of time, my old employer was a bit of an arse, as although they knew my wife was pregnant I didn’t book it with the 2 or 3 months required notice although this may have changed. Book paternity off even if it’s only a week to support your wife you’ll both be needing lots of sleep at different times.

Aldi nappies are fantastic and considerably cheaper than the rest, considering a nappies job I can’t see why people pay more.
There is nothing wrong with hand me down stuff kids grow so fast & are not brand aware.

Most of all enjoy it they grow up so fast, I blinked & my oldest has just turned 10.

Thanks for all the advice guys. It looks like I will probably be a stay at home dad because financially my wife earns heaps more than me and runs her business from home which she started last year and it’s going very well.It means we will both be around during the first year and if needed I can always get some freelance work.

I’m terrified!

You should be. Pregnant women are tyrants, children are even worse, but you have to be nice to them or everyone will think you’re a heartless beast. Also, try not to think about how weird it is that your wife has another person living inside her.

Congratulations! The first 9 months are hellish, I don’t think you could ever be prepared for what’s to come. Then it starts to get a bit better. You’re in for a lot of fun 🙂

As above ignore most of the advice and don’t worry if you you’re ambilivalent to them for the first 6 months or so, I know I was with both ours, now they’re older ( 12 & 8 ) it’s totally different. Expect your world view to change a little as well.

chill.

There’s all the practical stuff like sudocream, muslin nappies, all that. But mostly you’ll manage. Start to get used to the idea of broken nights, They cry…alot. It’s not your fault, you’ve probably done nothing wrong, it’s the only way they can communicate.

Congratulations! I took a year off when my wife’s maternity leave ran out and in retrospect, am very glad I did so. Tbh, I didn’t deal very well with spending the first winter stuck inside with a baby, so just make sure you get out of the house to as many cheap / free events as you can. Sitting in a circle with a bunch of mums and babies, singing about pirates may not seem ideal but it beats sitting at home watching the rain with a screaming child.

Get on all the local baby groups on FB – lots of cheap 2nd hand clothes / toys and good info about social events. Ours is three now and a source of almost constant amusement 🙂

I was 50 when we had our last child.

It’s dead easy having children. That’s what wives are for. 🙂

But don’t believe anything you read in child rearing books. They’re all different.

On a more practical note, be prepared to support your wife above and beyond. Lack of sleep is a relationship killer. I always attended to the after dark feeds etc so my wife could get a decent sleep. A woman’s body gets a real hammering from childbirth and feeding so rest is essential, so you’re better able to handle a bit of lack of sleep.

Life as you knew it is over, so get used to that, but it don’t get caught up in the helicopter parent mode – allow your child to get hurt so it learns consequences (obviously within reason).

And have another child. Your kid is going to be an orphan sooner than most, so a sibling to be around after you and your wife are gone will give them some family.

One piece of advice, try to get the baby into a routine – certainly by 5-6 months of feeding and sleeping at consistent times.

Mostly though it’s about finding a routine;

If you ignore every other piece of advice on this thread, do NOT ignore these. Be consistent and you’ll all be much happier. Even at 2.5, jnr has a late morning nap and goes to bed at 7, up at 7. He has done for a long time!

Start stockpiling baby wipes and nappies now

This. You cannot have enough, buy every two for one offer there is starting now. If by some miracle you end up with a surplus of baby wipes, you’ll soon realise the Dads only secret is that they are the best bike cleaners in the world.

I don’t agree with the “ignore books” advice. I think you should read up, but take it all with a pinch of salt. There may be a time whereby something you’ve read or experienced or heard rings true and helps you out. By and large thought it’s right that it’s yours to go right and wrong, there are no instructions.

Pay attention to Wrecker; we went the Routine route also and its a huge plus. Baby knows when’s breakfast lunch and tea and sleep time is, gets to learn night and day fairly quickly, Mum knows and is able to plan naps, her lunch, bottle prep, daytime tv etc. No routine and you’ll both be doing this on a reactive basis around the clock. It follows through also, our two ( 3& 7 ) have never had any issues about when bedtime etc is.

I’d also say get your wife to ante natal classes if she’s not got any pregnant mates around – not so much for the learning but becuase she’ll come out of it with a few new mates going through the same experience and it’s really good for her sanity to know that she “not the only one”

Congrats, and enjoy!

My boy came along when I was 46 he is now 5 . I was worried about being an old dad but it has not been an issue so far. Do get or stay fit fatherhood is physically hard work . The first months are mad and you and your wife will be stressed and sleep deprived give each other room and be forgiving.
All advise is tailored to a different child and may not apply to yours. Babies needs are simple and you learn as they develop it all works out.
At 5 the hardest thing is remembering the names of a dozen soft toys all the star wars characters the nexo knights and the cast of 3 ice age movies and lego mixels and being able to work them into a made up story .

Make sure you enjoy the pregnancy too, me and the wife had some great times. Bear in mind that each time you have a lie in, or sit down with a brew to watch a Sunday pm film, or just Bob down to the pub for tea or something similar, you won’t be able to do that so easily soon!!

rwamartin has it spot on.

My first is 3 months old now, and I’m 4 years older than you, so don’t let that worry you. In fact, while i’m probably more tired than I would have been at 25, I’m also a lot more chilled and less stressed out about the whole adventure.

Have fun, and make sure you both create some space for the other one to have some ‘me’ time. (Otherwise, just sell your bikes). Oh and ignore everyone who says “this is the easy bit” to you… as far as I can see you’ll be hearing that for the rest of your life now…!

If thats what you want then it will all turn out fine.
You are living my worst nightmare now though, I know how I would feel if she told me she was expecting!
Good luck.

Good advice above.

I never had any real desire to be a Dad but as soon as Jr turned up all that changed. He’s 2 1/2 and is ace. All the sleepless nights, dirty nappies and worry are forgotten the first time they call you Dad or come to you for a hug. Number two due in December so it can’t be that bad eh? 😀

Congrats. I became a Pappa for the first time 3 1/2 yrs ago at the ripe old age of 47

You’ll be fine, just ignore all advice and wing it. You’ll know what to do.

Its great being an old Pappa – I have so much more patience and am more chilled than the muppet I was in my 20s.

You want some more contradictory advice? Don’t faff around with bottles, just breastfeed, whilst it can take a few days to get the hang of it, (for both mother and baby) once mastered, it’s just so simple – and of course free.

And some more? Don’t waste money on disposable nappies, except on holidays. Just bung dirty cloth ones in a bucket with whatever they sell these days to soak them in, and once bucket is full bung straight in washing machine. Using a disposable liner means you can tip the solids straight down the loo before bucket-ing the nappy.

And the final piece of advice – do whatever you want!! Ignore everyone else!