How much time / commitment do you give a new relationship?

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How much time / commitment do you give a new relationship?

67 posts & 45 voices | Started 4 months ago by Sue_W | Latest reply from The Southern Yeti

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Sue_W - Member

So, I've been seeing this chap (who is rather nice, and I do like etc etc) - early days, but for the first time in a very, very long time it feels like I've met someone I'd like to be with.

But, I don't actually have much space or time in my life for a new relationship. I'm really lucky that I have great friends, spend most of my time biking or in the mountains, and have a job that requires a fair bit of travel.

I'm not prepared to bin off my friends, nor to stop doing the activities that I love, but it means that I'm constantly saying 'no, sorry' to this chap when he asks about meeting up. He's a cyclist too (far better than me!), so understands and says he likes it that I have my own interests and am out doing stuff, which is good. But part of me is also aware that I'm being a bit reluctant to get too involved with him as I don't want to get hurt in the future, so maintaining my current independant and autonomous interests is a way of protecting myself from getting too involved.

So, for those of you who are single or starting new relationships, how do you find time for them? Do you end up letting go of some things in your life to make room for someone new? Or is there another approach?

Posted 4 months ago #
The Southern Yeti - Member

Just do what feels right...

No stress, no worries, no perceived compromise.

Posted 4 months ago #
philconsequence - Member

true friends will understand spending less time with you so you can explore a potential relationship

Posted 4 months ago #
wwaswas - Member

My 2p - You either have to be prepared to give something up or include this person in what you already do.

It's not fair to them to try and fit them in 'around' your life if you're expecting them to become a part of it.

That's not to say it has to be an all or nothing type thing but at least having a day a week (plus an evening, maybe) that you're prepared to commit to him wouldn't be unreasonable?

Posted 4 months ago #
PJM1974 - Member

I think you just find yourself adapting...if the person is right then they kind of just fit in with your life. If they're not, then they don't, simple as really.

Time generally earns trust.

Posted 4 months ago #
johnners - Member

It's that bloke at work you were having all the trouble with, isn't it?

Posted 4 months ago #
binners - Member

It was with a heavy heart that I sacrificed my international jet-setting playboy lifestyle.

The private jets to exotic far-flung destinations.
The yachts.
The weekends paragliding and kite-surfing
The visits, on a whim, to Michelin starred restaurants
The wild parties with Holywood A list stars

It was all worth it though. Do what you must.....

Posted 4 months ago #
deadlydarcy - Member

Wwaswas speaks sense. If you loikes him, then you'll be prepared to do less other stuff for a while. If it feels wrong doing that, then perhaps a re-evaluation is needed. Nice to hear you've met someone Sue.

Posted 4 months ago #
wwaswas - Member

It was all worth it though.

Yes, you and hora do seem made for each other

Posted 4 months ago #
deadlydarcy - Member

Now, where's that pic...?

Posted 4 months ago #
hora - Member

You sound at risk of becoming eternally single (scared of being hurt)- and turning it into a mindset/stuck in your own ways in the future?

for the first time in a very, very long time it feels like I've met someone I'd like to be with

This sounds good.

Give it a chance, explain your own interests and friends and he might be totally cool with that. Its early days and people gel/can mould to each other.

Don't be negative and don't sack him off. Give it a chance but don't keep saying 'no can, no busy then' etc - Tell him why BEFORE he starts to see it as an Elephant in the room.

Keeping friends/activities helps couples stay fresh and miss each other.

I know a couple who were joined at the hip. The bloke became suffocated and left for another woman. The girl in the relationship doesn't have any real friends (close ones now) as their friends were all shared and his interests became hers etc etc. How awful that is

For years MrsHora does her thing, I do mine and we then meet up afterwards. Its worked for 20yrs now.

Give it a chance.

Posted 4 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

You need to make some compromises to be with him if you want to be. To be constantly saying no is not a positive way forward. Do you ever suggest meeting up?

Find / make the time - you don't have to give up everything for him but if you want the relationship to grow you need to find the time to nurture it

But part of me is also aware that I'm being a bit reluctant to get too involved with him as I don't want to get hurt in the future

this sounds more like the real reason not the lack of time perhpas?

Posted 4 months ago #
woody2000 - Member

Sounds a bit like a movie script, bad rom-com.

"Busy, strong willed, single lady with no time for anyone in her life. How will she find love?"

You'd be played by Gwyneth Paltrow, and you'd initially be seduced by the "wrong" bloke (probably played by Matthew MacConnaughwhatsit) but realise that the other bloke was really the one for you (Colin Firth probably).

Or you'll end up like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations.

Maybe

Posted 4 months ago #
wors - Member

You need to find out if he has a big schlong before commiting any time!

Posted 4 months ago #
The Southern Yeti - Member

Or you'll end up like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations.

But with more cats.

Posted 4 months ago #
Sue_W - Member

Binners - LOL! Think more 2nd class train travel and a bog standard business hotel! Unfortunately no champagne, wild parties, or dancing girls

johnners - you've just made me feel slightly queasy ...

Thanks for the comments - I guess you're right, you can't have a relationship if you're not prepared to give it chance to develop. wwaswas - managing an evening (or occassionally two) a week is probably where I'm at, but my days are usually pretty full with plans to go biking or climbing with friends. I'm also trying to see it from his perspective, and to think about how I'd feel if the situation was reversed and he was frequently saying to me that he didn't have time to see me. Hmmm?

But I'm a bit like a tortoise when it comes to my feelings - I'll stick my head out a bit, but am likely to dissappear back within my protective shell far to quickly. Best way to not get hurt is to not get involved in the first place, but it might now be too late for that!

wors - no comment

Posted 4 months ago #
MSP - Member

If you have met someone, then surely you could give up your Friday night out on the prowl with the cougar pack

Posted 4 months ago #
edd - Member

I remember talking to a friend (who's opinion I respect) about a girl I was dating at the time. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "I'm seeing this girl but I'm not prepared to compromise on all the other things in my life [friends, travel, mountain biking and horse riding]."

Friend: "When you find the right person it won't be a compromise."

So true. I’m now in the (early stages) of a relationship that I'm very happy to be in.

Posted 4 months ago #
hora - Member

Stick your neck out. If you get burned at least you can say you gave it your best shot.

Act tentatively and if he slips away you may think 'what if'.

Awful but true, its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all..

Posted 4 months ago #
rightplacerighttime - Member

How old are you? Where do you want to be in 5 / 10 years? Do you have husband / father material on your mind?

If you're young free and single and want to stay that way then carry on as you are, have fun, but be prepared for him to move on.

If you're looking / hoping for something to develop then you might have to make a bit of an effort. If you're waiting for something to happen and hoping that you won't have to make any compromises then you might have a long wait.

Also, if you do find someone who is prepared to let you have everything your own way now, then it might not bode well for you down the line when some of the shine has been rubbed off the relationship.

(I listened to a lot of Anna Rayburn when she was on Talk Radio!)

Posted 4 months ago #
dan1980 - Member

If he's important to you, then you'll find time for him. If he's not, then you wont, and you'll soon realise.

Every single relationship out there is about compromise, and you have to choose how much give and take you are willing to offer.

If you're worried about being hurt in the future, then you have do decide for yourself if the risk of getting to know him, and the fun and future you both can have outweighs the potential of being hurt. If it's not, then either you're not in the right place to have a relationship right now, or he's not right for you.

Posted 4 months ago #
BigButSlimmerBloke - Member

Just do what feels right...

yup, if he's worth the compomises, you'll make them
if he's not, use him then lose him.

Posted 4 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

An evening or two a week is fine - but can you not include him in your weekend plans - especially if he is a cyclist too. the added frisson of seeing each other in Lycra?

Posted 4 months ago #
Sue_W - Member

rightplacerighttime - no, not looking for husband / father material! Nor in the 'young, free, single, looking for no ties fun' bracket either. Early 40's, spent most of my adult life in a long term, mainly positive relationship which ended 2 years ago. Separation was as amicable as these things can be, but hurt me dreadfully and left me feeling that I had lost everything. Two years on and I have a good, happy, fulfilling life, but now feel like I'm falling for someone again, and am wary of giving up too much of my current life in case it doesn't work out, and can't face ever being so hurt again.

dan1980 - don't know if I'm in the right place for a relationship? Is he the right person - well, I think about him a lot and it always makes me smile (plus I get that funny butterfly feeling )

Posted 4 months ago #
stilltortoise - Member

I'm trying to think of something clever to say, but I'd just be regurgitating the wise words above. There's no guarantee this guy will fit in - and be a long-term fixture - in your life, but you're not going to know until you give it chance. That may mean compromises elsewhere. Your (true) friends will get it and they'll be there if it goes wrong or becomes the best thing that has ever happened to you (and everywhere in between).

How much time / commitment do you give a new relationship?

More than you are doing currently by the sounds of it.

Posted 4 months ago #
stilltortoise - Member

wary of giving up too much of my current life in case it doesn't work out

Aha, I think this is the crux. You can make space in your current life without having to "give up" anything. Not riding each and every weekend is not the same as giving up cycling (as all the STWers who are recent parents will testify to).

Posted 4 months ago #
hora - Member

Hes a cyclist too. Now he might not be a mountain biker- he might be but your name is Sue.

What if he comes across this topic at any point in the future. When I search google it regularly brings up hits from STW two years on.

Posted 4 months ago #
stilltortoise - Member

Maybe that was the point Hora

Posted 4 months ago #
wwaswas - Member

i wouldn't worry about being found out asking for some other peoples opinions on here, tbh, it's about you, not him.

Posted 4 months ago #
kudos100 - Member

So, for those of you who are single or starting new relationships, how do you find time for them? Do you end up letting go of some things in your life to make room for someone new? Or is there another approach?

I invite them to come riding, to the gym or to do some meditation etc. I am more than happy to teach/ride with someone I'm seeing, but there is no chance that I will forgo exercise to do something sedentary.

On the whole I do tend to see my friends a bit less, but something has to give.

My last girlfriend was pretty full on and wanted to see me all the time. She learned quite quickly that I need my own space, will ride my bike and hang out with my friends from time to time.

I find it a bit tricky with relationships now, as I put my health (physical and mental) before anything else. Unless the person is into exercise and keeping fit (or is willing to have a go) they soon find out that I spend a large part of my free time riding bikes or in the gym, and either they join in or see me less.

It is impossible to have a relationship without compromise, but it is working out which things you are willing to forgo

Posted 4 months ago #
bagpuss72 - Member

Sue - from a girls point of view your proper friends will be chuffed to bits for you if ti works out and there for you if it doesn't....

....anyone else isn't worth worrying about.

binners - Member

It was with a heavy heart that I sacrificed my international jet-setting playboy lifestyle.

The private jets to exotic far-flung destinations.
The yachts.
The weekends paragliding and kite-surfing
The visits, on a whim, to Michelin starred restaurants
The wild parties with Holywood A list stars

translates as

1) Easyjet to Scarborough
2) Inflatable at Southport
3) Throwing yourself off bridges in full bike leathers
4) Kebab houses
5) Tupperware parties with your mums freinds

Yes, I am worth it

Posted 4 months ago #
johnners - Member

johnners - you've just made me feel slightly queasy ...

You're by no means the first woman to say that...

Posted 4 months ago #
scud - Member

I think it is all about compromise, my wife does not have any of the same interests as me at all and thinks i'm a plonker for enjoying pedalling around a muddy wood and spending a fair chunk of my time in A&E, but I think that is when you know you have met the right person when you are both happy to make those comprimises and doing so seems easy.

Posted 4 months ago #
Cougar - Member

What you've got isn't a lack of time, it's a lack of forward planning. Follow up every 'no' with a 'but, I'm free on the 27th'. (you can substitute the 27th for other dates)

you could give up your Friday night out on the prowl with the cougar pack

Aw, what will I do on Fridays then?

Posted 4 months ago #
PeterPoddy - Member

and have a job that requires a fair bit of travel.

Change jobs.

How do you want to be remembered? As a person, or as a worker?

Posted 4 months ago #

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