i’ve suffered with anger issues for a long time (have gone to the doctor’s to ask for help,but didn’t get anywhere).am not a bully/violent person,it manifests itself as big swearing/acting like a 5 year old having a tantrum (am not proud of this at all 😳 i know that it’s linked to my depression (which i did have help for/art therapy)but didn’t feel it was working at the time/am not getting any treatment now.it just seems to come for no reason (especially when i am playing computer games of all things. would really like to stop being such an idiot/child and get it under control.thanks for reading this 🙂 p.s have spoken on here about the depression before and got some great advice from people here (thank’s again 😀

I’d start by getting rid of the computer games TBH, there’s no point trying to control something that you don’t need to.
You know that they are going to put you in a position where the anger can take over so get rid of the situation.

Go on a trip round Africa; you will soon learn patience.

Do you know the origin of your anger?

I agree with uplink…. Get rid of the computer games and do something physical instead, even if its hitting the S*it out of a punch bag! Or try yoga, its great for behavioral/mood problems. My daughter has tried it & found it has helped her “chill out” 😀

maxray ❓ should have added thanks for all the advice everyone (will try and find out about yoga.

I bottle it up like a true middle englander, and then fire it all out in an hour of manic singlespeeding.

Seriously – there are some basic simple techniques, even like ‘count to ten’ which might just give you the space to stop you turning internal annoyance into external anger. But continue to seek help….

I don’t have tantrums, more sulks and depression when stressed. I’m a peaceful chap, and I didn’t comprehend any capacity for violence until I did some boxing training a few years back. It was quite therapeutic actually.

My own anger originates from resentment that my parents died when I was still a child. It’s not logical thinking, but the feelings are still there.

What do you think is the origin of yours?

buzz-lightyear to be honest probably family oriented for the most part (never knew my father/don’t get on with my mother,do not wish her harm though.my grandparents dying e.t.c).have also been unemployed (without qualifications) for a long time (have done agency work e.t.c) (i’m 36 and just haven’t done anything with my life 😳 it’s really about not having a clue about what i want to do with my life.bet you’re glad you asked now 😉

buzz-lightyear beat me to it. Start boxing. Get in a gym and batter the **** out of some bags/pads. Its very very therapeutic. Or the more obvious one. Ride to the top of your favourite decsent, turn the Prodigy up to eleven on the ipod and go absolutely hooning down it*

*try not to get too carried away. Always remember you are not actually Steve Peat. Even with Keith urging you on. A&E departments aren’t much fun 😳

do some Judo instead, as that is a defensive sport. If you do boxing and then one day get so angry you batter someone, then your hands are offensive weapons courtesy of the boxing you have been doing.

Learn to meditate – there was a documentory I saw on top athletes and there was an asian Kendo master and an english black belt kendo fighter – and they monitored their brain activity when they fought. The english guys brain patterns were massively frantic, but the asian guy was calm as you like, virtually no change from a resting pattern, and obviously he beat the hell out of the ‘panicking’ english guy.

The asian guy was in some form of meditative state as he fought.

Been there done that and am in possession of a rather fine tee shirt.

From my experience..

1) Treatment will vary hugely according to how switched on your GP is. If you haven’t got anywhere first time go back and if at all possible see someone else. Took me 3 visits before I found one who took me seriously.
2) It can be sorted, but there are no magic bullets. My personal experience is that a combination of drugs and talking therapies have made a huge difference, but it takes time. so beware any physician who says “take these and you’ll be fine”
3) It is an ailment with causes which are as physical as heart disease or toothache. It is most definately not a sign of weakness or anything like that.
4) Be open and honest about it when you feel confident enough. You will be amazed by how many people are in the same boat.
5) Keep the exercise going. It won’t cure you on its own, but it definately makes you feel better.
6) Don’t continue to suffer in silence

Hope that helps

“bet you’re glad you asked now”

Hey, it’s no problem. I think there are activities you can do to improve your mood and increase your feelings of self-worth, and this might include something like boxing training (great for venting aggression), sporting goals, a busy routine, etc. This is a good thing. Positive new habits take about a month of discipline before they bed-in and you really start to enjoy them.

But there is also revealing and dealing with underlying causes which are often about relationships or past trauma.

Not being employed must also be a big drag – would drive me mad. Is there a possibility that you could use the extra time to re-train in some new skills, stuff that you like? Can you move location to get work? My sister found voluntary work incredibly helpful to rebuilding her self-esteem after falling off the tracks.

Dunno if any of this helps, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck!

Just try listening to how ridiculous you sound when you are shouting and ranting.

+1 for the deep breath technique.

However, I find I get shouty and sweary when I’m generally stressed in life. When not, it goes away. So perhaps learn to really listen to your mind and see if you have that corrosive low level background stress in your life…

I’m assuming you play computer games because you mainly enjoy them (until you get angry)!

If that’s the case, I’m not sure that getting rid of them is great advice…but you could avoid them while you deal with your anger issues.

It’s not the game that is the problem, it’s your anger. Getting rid of the games isn’t dealing with your anger issues, its just hiding an activity during which your anger manifests itself. I guess you can make that decision though, do you mostly enjoy playing computer games, or is it just something to do because you’re bored.

I would second the boxing suggestion though…I box (boxing and thai boxing), and enjoy taking my frustrations out on the pads! You’re 36 so you’ll never be able to compete at an amatuer level, but you could try white collar boxing. This is where you train at a gym for at least 12 weeks and then have an amateur fight with someone at your gym (basically sparring in front of an audience). If you don’t want to fight you can just train for fitness/fun, but competing might give you something to focus on.

The only thing I would say is when sparring, remember it’s training and if someone is better than you and keeps getting through your guard…don’t get angry and try to punch his head off his shoulders! If you lose your temper and hurt someone, the trainer is likely to partner you with someone you can’t hurt!

Finally, my Mum wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t suggest this as she’s a counsellor…get counselling. It doesn’t cost that much and if you’re short of money some counsellors will let you pay what you can afford. This is the advice which if anything you should take…a bunch of strangers on the internet (me included) aren’t the best source of advice – unless you get lucky and get a reply from someone who knows what they’re talking about.

One thing my Mum has said in the past is that there’s nothing wrong with being angry…it’s an emotion, if something or someone has made you angry then you shouldn’t feel bad for expressing an emotion. But I think it’s how you deal with it that is important, and it becomes a problem if you let small things anger you, and you let it consume you and you end up being controlled by anger. This is something a counsellor can help you understand.

If you’re in or near Norwich I know an excellent counsellor…My Mum!

She also knows counsellors in other parts of the country so if you like I can ask her to recommend someone.

Might sound silly – but! first accept anger is a normal emotion “I feel like this now, but i don’t feel like this all the time. I didn’t feel like this yesterday and I’m not going to feel like it tomorrow”. This can stop the compouniding of other emotions like frustration, guilt and fear. It is ok to be angry sometimes and that is a good thought to start with 🙂

Yup, as has been said, anger is a justified emotion, so don’t make it worse by denying it or getting upset with yourself for feeling angry. What we’re looking to do is perhaps deconstruct the anger, or perhaps modify our behaviour when we’re angry. This is something I need to work on too. I’m just coming to the end of a year long weekly session of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) due to life long serious depression not helped by being bipolar.

As has also been said, try a different doctor, some are more sympathetic than others. I was lucky.

I read a really good book called anger management or something like that. If you let me have your address, then I’ll send it to you. PM me, my mail is in my profile.

Basically, the first rule was to identify what makes you angry and then avoid it. If it’s people, that can be a challenge, if it’s computer games, then that should be more simple.

I find it sad how quickly the request for help on anger turned to replies talking about violence, martial arts, and taking it on on something. The advice on lifestyle change is good, if you feel computer games are at the heart of the problem, give them up for a while – but don’t start punching things – that is just practicing being angry and violent! Instead try reading abook, going for a walk (perhaps sit down and read a nbook while on the walk) growing something, flowere, veg, whatever. The point is trying to cultivate positive emotions and having tings to feel happy and relaxed about 🙂

Take a deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Fill the chest.

Then count very slowly to ten…

avoiding the stuff that makes you angry can work very effectively.. but it’s one of those things that could bite you on the arse..
you can run but you can’t hide and all that..

Lifestyle change has got to be the key factor in my opinion.. often drastic lifestyle changes..

anger can often be a manifestation of an underlying problem.. stress.. frustration.. low self esteem..
identify and address any issues and then really really focus on being good to yourself.. put yourself at the center of the universe and make it revolve around you for a year or two.. treat yourself well in whatever way suits you best.. and be really honest with yourself about this.. indulge yourself and don’t be ashamed to do so..

As above.. exercise is key but agressive outlets can be counter productive..
get into some serious hippy stuff and try to find enlightenment instead..

Have you thought of having your own whipping boy? For when you get really really mad? Like having a dog you can kick, but without the cruelty to animals thing.

I find it useful to have Hora around for just such eventualities. He knows what to expect. If anyone has done anything to displease me, then he’s getting a wedgie. If I’m in a particularly bad mood then he gets a Chinese burn, his head flushed down the toilet, then relieved of his dinner money.

It means I’m an oasis of calm, and if he’s honest, he enjoys it

For me, the boxing suggestion was not something to give you a medium to express your anger, more like something to focus your energies on.

I find having an activity I enjoy and goals to focus on gives me balance in my life. It’s not that I enjoy being violent – although a good sparring session does seem therapeutic if I’ve had a stressful day in the office!

I don’t agree that giving up the activities that cause you to express anger is the right thing to do…you’re just hiding the symptoms and not looking at the root cause. That’s like peeing blood and deciding to use the loo with your eyes shut so you can’t see it.

I’ll reiterate my main suggestion…get counselling. This is the only way you’ll be able to identify why you have a short fuse, and come to terms with it.

There’s nothing wrong with counselling…and no one needs to know. The only thing that gets hurt is your wallet, although you could go through your GP to get it for free.

thanks everyone for all the advice much appreciated :-).i did enjoy doing tae kwon do (to get fitter/learn to defend myself) but gave it up around 12 years ago (i only did it for a little while).i love computer games though (cannot give them up 😉 at the heart of the problem is the issues above (which manifest themselves as childish rages 😳 amongst other things) McHamish thanks for the offer,but i live in devizes wiltshire.i did try and get some more help and did cbt therapy,but was finding it wasn’t working for me (this was around a couple of years ago) all they could offer me was medication (which i didn’t want) so they couldn’t help me any further (so ever since have just had to deal with it on my own) what really annoys me is that i have the best bike that i’ve ever owned but i barely ride it (i did start a thread here about trying to get my motivation back for riding my bike) but since i did the erlestoke 12 hour event (a team event.i was rubbish/unfit) i haven’t ridden my bike since (well apart from a week thursday ago to buy a second hand 360 hence the gaming tantrums 😉 p.s sorry for droning on,i appreciate people giving a damn 🙂

I used to get wound up by everything (not quite anger issues, more irritation issues) and after a bout of severe anxiety (related to the wound up / angst prone personality) got prescribed anti-depressants which worked really well and I’m now staying on them indefinitely as they very nicely normalise my personality to a regular angst / irritation level. I realise that taking drugs is not everyone’s cup of tea, but personally I think SSRIs are flipping great and quite happy to spend the rest of my life on them.

Try this:

Observation
Feeling
Need
Request

When you’re getting angry, it’s you observing that you’re having a feeling. You’re having this feeling because of an emotion that isn’t being met – for some reason you’re upset about something.

So straight away you’ve done the Observation, next you need to figure out EXACTLY what that anger feeling is – is it fustration, is it jealousness, is it you being frightened? Who knows – only you, and you have to identfy this.

Once you have worked out what the emotion is, the feeling, you can then try and figure out what the need is – why am I fustrated – “I’m fustrated because that person has just failed to deliver the parcel on time”.

Once you have the need, then you can request “Excuse me, I’m fustrated because you said that you were going to deliver it before noon – and I’m still waiting – can you tell me when it will arrive?”

These can occasionally be swapped about – but I use this technique – and it really really works well – and the key thing? By the time you’re done all this you’ll find that the anger subsides and you’ve actually calmly resolved the issue.

Don’t forget also: Nobody can MAKE you angry. Only YOU make yourself angry. In the same way as you cannot make somebody else FEEL an emotion – only THEY control how they feel.

Once you grasp that, you can start to properly manage emotions.

ETA: I agree with the counselling suggestion. I did and it was one of the best things I ever did. So helpful.

Regarding the counselling…

CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) is the NHS/governments choice of counselling, so if you go through your GP this is what you’re likely to get.

My mother on the other hand is a Person Centered Counsellor (PCC), the concept underpining this approach is that the person being counselled understands why they have the issues they have (although they may not be immediately aware of this). The counsellor will help you to identify what the root cause yourself and help you to come to terms with it.

This is my laymans understanding of it…I could ask my Mum to explain it better (she teaches PCC as well as practices it).

Oh…and you won’t get medication through Person Centered Counselling.

McHamish.that sounds just what i need to be honest (to be able to talk with someone/ways to start getting out of the hole i feel i’m in).i do regret giving up the art therapy now,but really thought that i wasn’t getting anywhere with it.

I can empathize with you raceface. I’m 35 and feel like i’ve done nothing with my life, I was unemployed for a long time (debt mounted up) I have anger problems (although it’s not video games with me, just everything else, people mainly) and as I posted yesterday, a real problem with lethargy.

I tried the meditation route and riding down a big hill at great speed, but i think the best advice was “find something you really enjoy doing, not just something you think you enjoy” Funny thing is I find i’m most at piece when i’m building or tinkering with something, even if it’s just an Ikea shelving unit.

It seems to be finding that balance, i’ve been like this for about 8 years and have only now really decided to do something about it. Don’t beat yourself up about it, we all need a little help from time to time.

I tried a couple of SSRIs and just didn’t get on with them (first one killed my sex drive, and the second just killed me full stop).

I decided to start looking at St Johns Wort in high doses – but more importantly look at the root causes of the depression.

I just did a quick search for ‘person centered counselling devizes’ and got a few hits…

I’ll ask my Mum if she knows anyone (just called her but no answer).

As the Ultimate Warrior once put it:

I live for anger and frustration. Combat is where I will be!

Before I forget, one thing to look out for is BACP accreditation if you find a private counsellor.

but since i did the erlestoke 12 hour event (a team event.i was rubbish/unfit) i haven’t ridden my bike since

I thought this was an interesting remark. I don’t know what your CBT was like, but a very important topic is realistic goal setting. While it’s creditable that you motivated yourself to do this event/competition, you realize now that you were not fit enough to enjoy it.

In itself a problem because you now feel unmotivated to ride. Your lovely bike feels like an object of guilt, when it is actually a doorway to good mental and physical health and enjoyment of life.

Bikes are patient. Perhaps begin riding small, 1 hour rides every day. Get into the habit of it first. I’m sure better things will follow.

As for caring enough to listen – why wouldn’t we? These sorts of threads are when the forum is at it best IMO 😀