I just moved in to a new flat with two girls, it's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. The first one has really bad OCD, whenever she goes in to a room she has to turn the light switch on and off 17 times. That's nothing compared to the other one, she's got epilepsy!
Just been to the Doctors to get my results back about a lump I have. He said, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" I said, "The good news." He said, "I really think you'd look good in a bandana."
Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand...."I've run over a pig & it's stuck under the tractor still alive!""Shoot it!" Says the farmer "and then bury him". Farmer gets another call ...."done that now what do you think I should do with his f@@@ing speed camera?"
Thirty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.
Steve Jobs is in heaven. Having checked in with St. Peter, he is sent straight to God, who is ready and waiting in his office."Let's get this over with," he says. "I'm sure, like everyone else, you have lots of questions, so fire away.""OK. First of all... Why no Flash Player?" asks God.
I asked my wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?""" I would take half and leave!", She said."Excellent!", I said. "I've won a tenner, here's a fiver, now F@@@ Off!!"
My shopping bag had 'This Bag Is Not A Toy' printed on it. My three-year-old disagrees. He's been playing with it as a spaceman's helmet in his room for over an hour now. I haven't heard a peep from him.