Having a long back (monkeyboy) my tops always ride up and expose my attractive fat back. Apart from a bib what could I wear? All my tops ride up and I get a chill darn there.

a corset?

Get some bibs! I wear expensive roadie lycra under my baggies, it's waaaaay comfy! I rarely use the liners they come with.

You ruled out the answer, there is no helping you…

Look at roadie kit. Most of my tops have elastic around the hem to stop them rising up. They are also longer at the back. Best to try them on though as there is a bit of difference in sizes as they are often fitted to tight if you buy your normal size.

straight-jacket

Will look at the bibs for underclothing. TBH I cant look at roadie kit etc as I ride as scally as possible in jeans/old jackets etc. The more 'cyclist' the more Manchester drivers take the utter piss (from experience).

Army surplus combat jacket. I have a long back and usually have trouble with jackets riding up, but I borrowed my mates old one, and it's mint. 6 massive pockets to carry kit in, and long enough to cover my arse when I'm stood up. Mine's a combat 95 pattern one, but I would imagine they'll all be of a similar length.

Another bonus is that they cost about 20p, so it doesn't matter if you ditch it. Unfortunately, you do look like a scally / the cyclist wing of the IRA.

Good lycra tops will have a rubber gripper at the bottom (similar to the top of hold up stockings) to help keep a top from riding up. Other thing to do is keep a couple of items in your jersey pockets (energy bars or such like).

Bibshorts.

Goose fat?