So the the family rabbit just kicked the bucket last night and we have just had a little burial in the garden. My eldest son is 4 and very curious about everything and always asks loads of questions. We make an effort to not fob him off with stupid answers, but try and explain things how they really are in an easy way. For example he knows that it is the Earth going around the Sun and when it is nighttime that it is our side of the Earth which is facing away from the Sun. Etc.
He has asked about death before and this time with the rabbit it has been ok to explain that it was old and so on, but it won't be too long before he is asking more about death and what happens afterwards. As an Atheist I have said that nobody knows what happens when we die, but it is not always easy to put across to him I find. It would be lovely to say that there is a heaven and its all great, but that is not what I believe and I don't like the idea of fobbing him off with (in my view) fairy tales.
Anyone had experience with this or any words of wisdom?
Cheers!
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Explaining Death to a 4 Year Old
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Posted 7 months ago #
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No kids myself but I think pets are a good way to learn about death, and have a go at grief when still young.
Sounds like you're doing what I would be doing... keep it up
Posted 7 months ago # -
No experience but as a man with no follow of religion I'd say something along the lines of how having a timeline makes things the more special and reminds us that we should make the most of each day and be happy deep down.
The fact that one day we leave what we know behind shouldn't be scary as we will all be doing it. It's like he didn't know what was going on before he was born and we won't know after - but its worked out alright so far so make the most of what we have and live a happy life.
Posted 7 months ago # -
My 5 year-old could now explain (in basic terms) a couple of different understandings. I didn't want to restrict my explanation to just what I believe, when his granny died. I thought it might be too much of a stretch for him, but he surprised me. Again...
Posted 7 months ago # -
I'd go down the "heaven" route myself with a child that age, but then again though I'm not religious myself I have no problem with it. YMMV.
Posted 7 months ago # -
This is gonna run and run, with a lot of anti-Christian sentiment, unfortunately.
Personally, I believe that there IS an afterlife - which would not be complete without animals. We / I love them so much in this life that there could not be a perfect next life without them.
There it is - that's what I believe: so flame me.
If, on the other hand, you don't believe in an afterlife it's just like going to sleep and not waking up. That's not so bad...
Posted 7 months ago # -
Depends if you ate cheese before you died
Posted 7 months ago # -
Atheist here also. I and the ex-wife generally go down the "now a star in the sky" trail...seems to work well.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Think is go down the lines of the person has died as everyone/thing dies but their spirit and thoughts live on in your heart.
Difficult one really and one I will have to broach with my son in the next year or two when our dog will probably die.
Posted 7 months ago # -
don't tell him it died in its sleep, mate did that once to his kid made it scared of going to bed in case he never woke up.
Posted 7 months ago # -
What's wrong with telling him that nobody knows? After all, it's the truth and it's simple enough.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Ask him if he remembers what it was like before he was born and tell him it's just like that. No horrible feelings etc.
Posted 7 months ago # -
molgrips - Member
What's wrong with telling him that nobody knows? After all, it's the truth and it's simple enough.Most (possibly not all) young kids like certainties and may not accept the "no-one knows" answer.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Tell him that dead is dead. When a body dies, that includes the brain, so there's no more thoughts to generate any awareness of self or anything else. There's nothing "after" death, because it's death. You could pretty it up with "The Great Circle of Life and Death" dwibble if it will keep him from being upset, I suppose.
Of course, at some stage he's probably going to ask you about why some self-deluded religious types think that death doesn't mean death, but then you'll just need to explain how many people are unable to accept the obvious and try to convince themselves that Tinkerbell really does exist, because otherwise it's all so unfair. Or something.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Pull the battery out of his Nintendo DS and then ask him what happens to his games.
Posted 7 months ago # -
"Gone up to the stars now" which doesn't need to have religious connotations, after all, we all came from stars. Have you both read any of the Mog books? Get "Goodbye Mog", it's good, show's Mog as a spirit that hangs about while the family gets a new kitten, and when Mog's happy the kitten has learned to be with the family it goes up to the stars. It's bloomin traumatic though. We had just read it to our 4 year old not long before the cat had to be put to sleep - she took it better than us really and has a pretty good understanding of things.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Most (possibly not all) young kids like certainties and may not accept the "no-one knows" answer.
Really? I dunno. Saying 'nobody knows' is a certainty.. I was told this but I don't remember having a problem with it.
Posted 7 months ago # -
No anti-Christian sentiment here so far. Strange how some people almost seek to be persecuted...
I think BigJohn has it spot on
Posted 7 months ago # -
tell him what you believe, then tell him what some others believe (ie heaven)
If he's smart he'll ask you why you don't think the same & you can explain further - or you can ask him what he thinksPosted 7 months ago # -
scaredypants - Member
[quote]tell him what you believe, then tell him what some others believe (ie heaven)
If he's smart he'll ask you why you don't think the same & you can explain further - or you can ask him what he thinksThe OP's kid is 4
Posted 7 months ago # -
molgrips - Member
Most (possibly not all) young kids like certainties and may not accept the "no-one knows" answer.
Really? I dunno. Saying 'nobody knows' is a certainty.. I was told this but I don't remember having a problem with it.My two (daughters) certainly wouldn't have accepted it, actually now at 12 and 9 I'm not sure they would....
Posted 7 months ago # -
I like BigJohn's approach, partial to the "stars" option in the past, although we are not religious the school/pre-school are C of E so the kids made the "heaven" leap themselves.
Both our kids have been fine with the "things are born, they live, after a good life they die" explanation. After the first pet death my eldest (then 3 years old) said "But people don't die, do they Daddy?" and that seemed to explain it for him.
His little sister is fixated with death after one of the guinea pigs died last winter - when told Grandad was 75 she told him he would probably die soon, which was a bit of conversation stopper.....
Posted 7 months ago # -
The OP's kid is 4
My eldest son is 4 and very curious about everything and always asks loads of questions
Posted 7 months ago # -
If nobody knows, nobody knows. Nothing anyone can do can change that. Your kids need to learn how to accept it. You could make up stories, but how does that help? Nobody still knows no matter what you tell them..
Confused. If nobody knows then they can't know either. End of.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Of course we know. The body stops working, becomes inert matter and begins to decompose. The skeleton is all that is left. That's it.
All the other stuff is just being in denial.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Had to explain to my then 3.5 year old that her little brother wasn't going to be coming home with mummy from the hospital. Used the stars explanation. Surprised me how much such a young un can take in and grasp. Gets the dust going in the room when shes " just having a little look at wilfie" out of the window mind!
Posted 7 months ago # -
When the time comes I'll tell mine its like going to sleep forever.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Yeah, exactly, he is only 4, he does understand a lot for his age, but asking him if he remembers what it was like before he was born might be a little too 'out there' for him.
I think I am going to say that some people believe in a heaven and some don't, including myself. I'm not going to hide religion away from him, who can?! He was given a bible a while a go by some friends, I was not over the moon about it, but he still has it in his room and asks every now and again about this fella Jesus. It does grate with me, but I have 'faith' that he will see reason in time.It is an interesting question though, there is on one hand the urge to make everything nice and simple and easy with a heaven answer. But what feels right to me offers a bit less comfort to one so small.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Really like BigJohn's approach, never heard of it before.
I was given the star-in-the-sky when I was little, worked well.
Posted 7 months ago # -
I've had to do it about 2 grandparents for a 4 and latterly 6 year old.
I used big Johns almost exact words as that's what I think and it's not scary for kids at all. I also had a chat when he was 6 and my dad died about making the most of life as it's all you get.
It's never good but it shouldn't be scary.
I particularly dislike the disgusting idea of eternal punishment for being a sinner but that's another thread entirely.
Posted 7 months ago # -
@maxray - Ouch, I bet it does...Well posted man!
Posted 7 months ago # -
I don't see the problem in laying out the options. My 7 year old daughter claims to be a Christian (on account of going to a C of E VA school and being in a church singing group) however I've told her I'm an atheist and don't believe in God.
I can't remember an explicit talk about dying though we've skirted round stuff like that, but one of her Grandads looks like he's on the way out, so it may not be long now. As and when I'll be perfectly happy to put to her that Christians believe that Grandad will be going to be with God in heaven, but that I think everything just stops.
What's the problem?
I've found that my kids are often happy to take an answer like that at face value, and carry on playing with their Lego, or sometimes will ask more questions.
Sometimes I tell them that "I don't know"
Posted 7 months ago # -
Kids don't have hang-ups about death. Tell the truth. It won't bother him in the least.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Watch "Lion King", explain "The Circle of Life", then serve him the casserole.
Posted 7 months ago # -
My 4 year old was quite happy with a die -> skeleton -> dust based explanation.
Posted 7 months ago #
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