Just incase your Xmas cracker jokes aren’t dire enough…

I gave my mate some drinking straws for Xmas. He said ‘these suck’.

Merry Xmas all!

Mate of mine set up a bonsai business. It’s been a massive success. He’s already looking for smaller premises.

I’ve just started a business making clay models of John the Baptist. I’m turning a reasonable profit.

My computer keeps playing Hello randomly, it’s been driving me mad

I phoned up the helpdesk and they said it was the latest update for a Dell.

Christmas wouldn’t be christmas with m&s.

It would be Chrita.

What’s the difference between cristiano Ronaldo and time?

Time passes.

I followed a magical tractor today…

… It trundled down a lane and turned into a field!

CaptainFlashheart – Member
Mate of mine set up a bonsai business. It’s been a massive success. He’s already looking for smaller premises.

That is quite possibly treesonable.

Craig David recently gave up his singing career to take up a new role with the British Olympic archery team. He’s going to be their bow selector….

Three balloons are getting ready to go to sleep after a wonderful Christmas Day. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon says to baby balloon: “Look son, you are much too old to sleep with Mummy and Daddy; you will have to sleep in your own bed”.

Baby balloon protests: “I like sleeping with you and mummy”.
“No you are not sleeping with us and that’s final!”
“Ok”, says baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with Mummy and Daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy’s knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. He still can’t get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

It’s Boxing Day and they all awake. Daddy balloon is really angry. He said: “Son! I am really disappointed with you! I said you can’t sleep with us! You’ve let me down, you’ve let your mummy down, and you’ve let yourself down too!”

The other day someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years time.
I said I didn’t know, I haven’t got 2020 vision.

what do you call a donkey with three legs….

wonkey?

no….

eeyore to av 4.

She only spoke in morse code, her dad did too. She told me that she di-dit because her dah-dah di-dit.

What’s brown and sticky?

A shit

What’s white and flies through the trees.

Tarzan the fridge

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A nun rolling down a hill.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ……………..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche…

A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff…

Baa, Dum, tssss

The latest Tampax in the shops have tinsel instead of string. They’re for the festive period only.

There are 10 types of people in the world; those that understand binary and those that don’t.

cubist – Member
I’ve just started a business making clay models of John the Baptist. I’m turning a reasonable profit.

The difficulty is staying ahead of the opposition…

Sorry, but my kids loved the Pharaoh Roche gag!

I could tell you a joke about UDP, but I’m not sure you’d get it…

I got my wife a new fridge for Christmas.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it..

DrP

They’ve twinned our local seaside resort with a town in Greece as a tribute to European Unity. There’s now a large scale model of every EU country, carved from cheese. You may have heard of them ? The Blackpool hallumi-nations.

What is big grey and wobbles?
A jellyphant

How come Darth Vader knows what Luke Skywalker is getting for Christmas?

Because the Death Star has no chimney and Vader, being Luke’s father, would’ve bought and wrapped the gifts himself. So he didn’t need to feel Luke’s presents.

Apologies, that ^ joke was a bit forced.

There are 10 types of people in the world; those that understand binary and those that don’t.

And those who understand ternary.

Did you hear about the man who was caught stealing an advent calendar? He got 25 days.

Chris Eubanks has just published a book on ethics. If it does well he’ll move on to write one about Kent next.

Got my phone wet, so I followed the advice on the Internet and left it in a bowl of rice.

When I came back to it, it had deleted most of my contacts! All except my Uncle Ben’s.

My girlfriend and I split up this morning.

When she said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I really thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face…

I hear the inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

In other news, a man who took BAA to court over baggage handling standards last year has lost his case.

Seems that there’s an enhanced version of Backtrack Linux’s successor coming
out, with a special engine designed to search for weaknesses in Microsoft’s
legacy Operating Systems.

It’s called Super Kali Fragileistic XP.

(lost almost everyone with that one…)

I’ve started making my own beer.

It’s dead easy, you just pour root beer into a square glass.

This neighbourhood’s getting worse. Only last week, two crows were arrested for attempted murder.

Why did the French chef kill himself?

He lost the l’huile d’olive.

I suffer from an irrational fear of electronic music being played in the desert by a Jedi.

I have Obiwankenobimobygobiphobia