Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

Space news. I see they’ve discovered an ancient Martian civilisation which appears to have drank mercury!

They stored it in Hg wells.

What do you call an underground train full of professors?

A tube of smarties

What is miserable and lives in custard?

Apple grumble

Then I saw her face…

😆
Chapeau

My friend got his kids the new ‘Boomerang with teeth’ for Christmas.

That’s going to come back and bite him…

Dad joke….

I took my 3 kids to see Santa at the weekend. As we were leaving, Santa said to me “what do you want for Christmas?”. I replied “I’d like a unicorn please Santa”. Santa said “I don’t think I can get one of those for you I’m afraid. Anything else you’d like?”

“Ah well” said I, “in that case an hour’s peace and quiet will do for me”

“What colour unicorn would you like?” replied Santa…..

🙂

An English cat named one two three challenged a French cat called Un Deux Trois to a swimming race across the Channel. Un Deux Trois cat sank.

That is quite possibly treesonable.

Leaf it, it’s not worth it

The inventor of the USB connector died – They lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it over, then lowered it again, before realising they were right the first time.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

man went to the doctor, he said ” i cant stop singing tom jones songs”
doctor says
” its not unusual”

whats the most common owl in the uk
the teat

whats the difference between illicit and illegal
illicit is against the law, illegal is a sick bird

Why don’t owls mate when it’s raining?

Because it’s too wet to woo.

Why did the lion and the witch enter the wardrobe?

Narnia business

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

Two lads out Christmas shopping.

One points into a shop window and says “that’s the one I’d get.”

Then a cyclops ran out and punched him.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

i woke up this morning covered in small golden wheat disks, i soon realised i had ebola cornflakes

I wanted to introduce myself to the abominable snowman but I wasn’t sure of the yetiquette.

Did you hear what happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye kicked the crap out of him.

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins.

What a turtle disaster.

a blind man walks into a shop and starts swinging his guide dog round his head. Shopekeeper says ‘do you need any help?’ blind man replies ‘no thanks I’m just having a look round’

My girlfriend and I split up this morning.
When she said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I really thought she was joking.
Then I saw her face…

I’m in the same boat, mine left me because of my Linkin park obsession.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

On the plus side, she said she’d come back if I never quoted oasis again.

I said maybe.

I’ve just seen Chris Rea on the train. Christmas is ruined.

On the plus side, she said she’d come back if I never quoted oasis again.

I said maybe.

Had a bowl of Oasis soup the other day. You got a roll with it.

In rugby news, the All Black’s latest tour match against a Gay XV produced a shock result when the Gay XV won by two tries and a conversion.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up at the barman and says..

‘Five beers please mate.’

Cyclops 😆 😆 😆 I shouldn’t encourage him but that made me laugh out loud

A white horse walks into a bar.

The Barman says “Hello, mate! We’ve got a Whisky named after you”

The horse says ” In that case, I’ll have a double Harry”

I’ve just seen Chris Rea on the train. Christmas is ruined.

Took me a while, but 😀

Be careful when drinking too much this Christmas – on Friday night I was so drunk I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar – or what the pedantic Waitrose manager called “his delicatessen”.

Which author steals train sets from under the Christmas tree? Nick Hornby.

I’m not saying my family were poor, but one Christmas I got a battery stating “Toy not Included”!

I’m looking forward to our Christmas Lunch – I’m having the Miley Cyrus…. Twerky with all the trimmings

Last night, whilst Christmas shopping, I stood watching a busker with a didgeridoo playing “Dancing Queen” – I thought that’s aboriginal!

I saw Elton John on a night out last Saturday, so I instinctively punched him in the face. The two faced bastard had me arrested.

Cougar – Moderator
I hear the inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

Did that one yesterday with a better punchline

I went to the zoo the other day, but the only animal they had was a dog in a cage.

It was a sh1t zoo.

I invented some Christmas sweets for Sheep.

I call them Baa Humbugs.

Nurse: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Burnt Bread
Nurse: You’re allergic to burnt bread?
Me: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant

A large insect has just flown in my window and exploded. I think it was a jihadi long-legs.

Me and the wife walked past this bloke who was plssed as a newt when the wife said ‘I know him’, I asked who he was and she said ‘he proposed to me twenty years ago and I said no’ I was like OMG he’s still celebrating twenty years on…