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1. Skoolshoes - Member

   How much do you take until enough is enough?
   I met my partner 19 months ago. In that time I've quit my job to look after her kids while she goes to work and I do all the housework etc.

   Now and again, we'd have arguments, which I put down to stress from nearly always being at home and not getting a break from it all.
   Over the past year, I've had less and less contact with my family and friends and the arguments have become more frequent.

   She (my partner) has a tendancy to lose her temper when she is stressed, and it seems that I've become the person that she takes all her frustrations out on. What with feeling secluded, mentally bullied and controlled, I've been wondering what I should do for the best for quite a while.
   2 nights ago, she attacked me in a drunken rage. When i said I'd call the police, she phoned them first and alleged that I'd attacked her?!
   Spent the day in a cell yesterday but was eventually released with no further action being taken against me.
   My sister is a police woman, and has helped me through it all. Although she's putting pressure on me to press charges (I have a swolen face and bite marks to my body), I'm not sure if I can do it?
   If I press charges, my partner will lose her job (care work) and probably her kids too.
   Either way, I have to accept the fact that it's over and that I need to get out...
   My head is a mess and I'm about to try and rebuild my life. Any help or advise appreciated.
   Sorry for the long post!
   Sorry just noticed, wrong forum

   Posted 1 year ago #
2. Pook - Member

   If you can, and have somewhere to go - get out. But warn someone who can and will look after the kids.

   Posted 1 year ago #
3. TandemJeremy - Member

   Press charges? I would more than likely.

   Get out of the relationship now. professional help / counselling might help you come to terms if your head is a mess although a bit of time will help as well.

   Posted 1 year ago #
4. neilsonwheels - Member

   All of the above sounds like me around seven years ago. Take it from a man of experience in this department. Walk away, walk away now. No mincing around just do it. It's a downward spiral that very rarely gets any better. I was carted off to the cells on more than one occasion for little more than walking away from an argument. It will not do your mental state any good at all putting up with a nutty partner.

   Draw a line under it and Get out.

   Posted 1 year ago #
5. Kuco - Member

   I suggest going to the front door and running as fast as you can she sounds like a psycho.

   Posted 1 year ago #
6. fadda - Member

   Thankfully, I have no direct experience but I'd have to agree that first you need to get out, then think about the kids and making sure they're ok. Once that's done, and if you care enough, maybe try to get some help for your (by then) ex...?

   Posted 1 year ago #
7. craigxxl - Member

   I had a mate who went through a similar situation. We were serving in Germany at the time, he would turn up the next day battered and bruised. When queried about what had happened he would say fighting in town with the locals. This would end up with him spending time in jail. This continued for around 6 months before he ended up in hospital with stab wounds claiming a fight with locals again. The German civil police were involved and during the investigation he admitted to making it all up and that his wife was abusing him.
   Leave her, get our confidence back and find a partner that wants you for who you are rather than a babysitter and punchbag.

   Posted 1 year ago #
8. Bagstard - Member

   As above, get out of there. Why would you want to stay?

   Posted 1 year ago #
9. myheadsashed - Member

   Bugger off sharpish you only live once....

   Keep a diary of every event, not matter how trivial. She may attack you again - if she ends up injured you"ll be the one getting arrested - keep it as evidence.

   Posted 1 year ago #
10. catflees - Member

    Leave, please. If her behaviour esculated to her working life as a careworker the consquences could be very destructive. She is obviously needing help and your not the person to provide it for her, nor are you her punchbag. Once you leave keep a brief diary and witnesses of your movements, my friend was in a simular position and his ex claimed he attacked her. He had proof of were he was and charges were dropped. Above all I hope your ok and by asking the question on here I think your after support as you have made your mind up to leave already.

    Posted 1 year ago #
11. Onzadog - Member

    You say you don't want to press charges because she'll lose her job and her kids. The only reason that would happen would be to protect vulnerable people. It might be in everyone's best interests.

    Posted 1 year ago #
12. flip - Member

    Press charges? I would more than likely.

    As above, get out of there. Why would you want to stay?

    +1

    Posted 1 year ago #
13. Skoolshoes - Member

    I know they're not my kids but having done everything for them for so long, they feel like my own. I have my own daughters come and stay weekends and they all get on great, so it's going to be hard for them too.
    I have made my mind up to leave... I need to even if I'm unsure whether I really want to, if that makes sense?
    People have been telling me to get out for quite a while, but I thought I could handle the situation. Having been on the recieving end of her temper yet again, and having sustained quite a few injuries, I know it's for the best.
    I only hope her kids can forgive me and hope that they will understand in the future
    My next step is to find somewhere to go, and find somewhere to store my stuff. Because I have no job or income, I'm worried sick tbh.

    I can't believe that my partner has said nothing about any of this since I returned from the police station last night. Woke up this morning to find she'd gone to work and left the kids here with me :-O

    I'm waiting on a call from the domestic abuse support team... Fingers crossed they can help me sort my life out.

    Posted 12 months ago #
14. Bagstard - Member

    It sounds flippant, but good luck to you. It would be bad enough without the kids being in the middle. Hope you get sorted asap.

    Posted 12 months ago #
15. TandemJeremy - Member

    My next step is to find somewhere to go, and find somewhere to store my stuff. Because I have no job or income, I'm worried sick tbh.

    Friends and family?

    Personally I would pass her kids onto her family or social services and Be out of there before she comes home. Get all your stuff packed up now.

    Good luck

    Posted 12 months ago #
16. petrieboy - Member

    Onzadog - Member
    You say you don't want to press charges because she'll lose her job and her kids. The only reason that would happen would be to protect vulnerable people. It might be in everyone's best interests.
    

    
    ^^exactly what he said^^ get out, get children looked after, get support for yourself and then help for her. Keep a detailed diary is sound advice too - keep receipts and bus tickets etc.

    Posted 12 months ago #
17. craigxxl - Member

    +1 on what TJ said.

    Posted 12 months ago #
18. neilsonwheels - Member

    get support for yourself and then help for her.

    Look after number 1.

    Posted 12 months ago #
19. Mr Woppit - Member

    Walk. Don't look back.

    Posted 12 months ago #
20. Junkyard - Member

    I only hope her kids can forgive me and hope that they will understand in the future
    My next step is to find somewhere to go, and find somewhere to store my stuff. Because I have no job or income, I'm worried sick tbh.

    Her kids will realise you left to protect yourself but does she ever direct her anger/violence towards the kids? If she does direct it towards them then you need to get Social services involved. Odd a sit sounds many domestic abusers would not touch their own kids.
    Press charges for sure she needs something to make her actually sort her stuff out. If she looses her job IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IT IS HERS ...repeat that line everytime something bad happens to her SHE IS TO BLAME NOT YOU.
    Best of luck

    Posted 12 months ago #
21. TurnerGuy - Member

    you must press charges now or you will regret it later if custody/access to the kids becomes an issue. Plus it may affect your job prospects if you don't set the record straight.

    Posted 12 months ago #
22. Cougar - Member

    Balls to her, and balls to her kids. Not your problem. Get out, don't look back. You only have one life.

    Posted 12 months ago #
23. Skoolshoes - Member

    Yep, my sister told me because it was my partner that made the call and I was arrested, it'll look bad on me if I don't press charges.

    She has never hit her kids, BUT she does say some very nasty things to them. Usual one is, I'll smash your face in if you don't f**ing do as your told.
    The C word is used frequently too. Not good considering they are 5 and 2.
    I feel like I've been the one protecting them. Now I'm left with no choice and I hope the rest of her family will be understanding?!
    I know I'm going to be made to look like the trouble maker.
    I hate this sort of stuff and never would've believed that I'd end up in this situation.
    Thanks for all the comments and support...

    Posted 12 months ago #
24. Junkyard - Member

    press charges for sure to clear your name and get Social services involved. They will probably go on the at risk register and open a CAF on them. She will be offered support to sort her stuff out initially but it can be escalated if she is not playing ball.
    Wher eis th father in all this I suspect he can back up your story
    As I said this is not your fault all of this is her fault every last bit of it
    Clear your name by prosecuting her especially as you have marks.

    Posted 12 months ago #
25. mrsconsequence - Member

    Agree with everything above - engage fully with the domestic support agency, they'll help with benefits and accommodation where possible. Also try and keep in contact with a domestic abuse unit with the police if your area has one.

    If you are worried about her children too once you've left, you need to inform social services. They won't take her children away or put them straight onto a protection plan, they'll just assess the situation and their needs to ensure their not at risk of harm.

    Victims are at much higher risk of harm at the point of leaving, plan it as best as you can and make sure people know your plan, so someone can support if something happens.

    Posted 12 months ago #
26. Cougar - Member

    I hope the rest of her family will be understanding?!

    Balls to them, as well.

    I know I'm going to be made to look like the trouble maker.

    Unless they're coming after you legally, does it matter? Let them think that, if it gets you out.

    Posted 12 months ago #
27. mintimperial - Member

    Listen to your sister, she is right. It might help to consider that it's not just about you, you're not being selfish or failing, you are taking action and alerting the authorities to someone who needs serious help. It's about protecting those kids, and in the long term, hopefully helping your partner to get back in control of herself too.

    Posted 12 months ago #
28. Alcopop - Member

    She has never hit her kids, BUT she does say some very nasty things to them. Usual one is, I'll smash your face in if you don't f**ing do as your told.
    The C word is used frequently too. Not good considering they are 5 and 2.

    
    And she works in care!!
    while i understand your feeling of loyalty to her kids i would involve social services it's best all round if you remove yourself from the situation hopefully it will force her to get some badly needed help
    hope it all works out
    Al

    Posted 12 months ago #
29. RichPenny - Member

    That sounds like a truly horrible situation. I totally agree with the others in that you need to get out of the situation ASAP. It sounds like getting social services involved will help your partner and her kids to get what they need to turn the situation around. The advice about removing yourself when your partner is at work is key to the safety of you and the children, so have a plan. I am sure all of the options seem wrong at the moment, but in time you will see you've made the right choice for everyone involved, including your partner.

    Posted 12 months ago #
30. mrsconsequence - Member

    Men's Advice Line

    Posted 12 months ago #
31. ilovemygears - Member

    Dont get the SS involved they don't make things better as there are shit at there jobs in general. My misses used to beat the shit out of me and knocked me out more than once , then agin so did my mum when i was a kid. So i took it as normal. However now being in a slightly more healthy relationship i see it is not normal. However i wouldn't call the police as i dont think it warrants it.From an old school point of view you should just take it like a man. That's what i did, im no longer with the woman but still see her regularly and am probably still very much in love with her. Then again she was renowned for being very violent and being harder than hard men and i find strong and hard women attractive so maybe i liked it. Dont know what that brings to you're situation but its just what happened to me.

    Posted 12 months ago #
32. brooess - Member

    +1 for the get away asap. As in today. She clearly has major issues if she's treating you and her kids like that. Do you know the circumstances under which the father left/history of her own childhood? I suspect the story will be similar.

    My take is she's left the kids with you today so you won't leave today, having seen you finally get the police involved she knows you've had enough and you're about to leave. I suspect her manipulations and bullying will increase now.

    But frankly I think your own kids are your priority. As much as it would feel bad to leave her kids to such a parent, they surely come as priority #2 to yourself and your own family?

    Respect for opening up to a bunch of strangers. Takes courage for a bloke to talk about this kind of treatment IMO.

    Oh and at times like this IME you find out how great friends and family can really be...

    Good luck.

    Posted 12 months ago #
33. thegreatape - Member

    Not much to add to what's already been said - predominantly good advice there. Your sister will know the score from a police point of view, good that you have her supporting you. Just go.

    Posted 12 months ago #
34. Skoolshoes - Member

    I've been in contact with the police. Going to make a statement tomorrow (while she's at work) and moving out on Monday. I'm going to ask the police not to arrest her until Monday, so that I can be out of the way when she returns home.
    I'm shaking and scared sh*tless of what the future will bring, but know that it's a step in the right direction.
    Don't know how much longer I would've carried on with all this if it wasn't for my sister stepping in?
    Looking back, I wish I'd have said something sooner.
    I felt as if I couldn't do anything, and was in some way imprisoned.
    I never felt like social services should be involved because I've always been here to protect the kids. Once I've left, I'm going to inform them.
    The kids father was apparently a nutter, who's only interest was to get drunk and take drugs.He moved away and is currently in a mental home where he's getting help.
    How much is true and how much of it is exaggerated? I don't know?
    I have spoken to her parents and they blame her temperament on her past boyfriends and the way she was treated. Then again, they told me not to go to the police when I heard they were looking for me. Probably because they saw the state of my face and knew she'd get into trouble.
    It's all so surreal at the moment. Hopefully won't be too long until I'm back on my feet again?
    Thanks people...

    Posted 12 months ago #
35. TandemJeremy - Member

    You reaction is common in people in your position I believe. You have had the stuffing knocked out of you mentally as well.

    My advice would still be to be gone before she comes home today but its easier to say than do.

    good luck

    Posted 12 months ago #

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