[Closed] Domestic abuse

I know that she loves her kids and she doesn't hit them.
She does scream obscenities at them, and use threatening language towards them. I can also see that they are frightened of her, but quickly forgive her. It's like they think it's normal?
She tends to show her love towards them by buying them toys and sweets way too often, rather than show them affection.
One way or another, it'll get sorted now. I hope she can pull herself together and become a better person.
I don't like to disrupt other people's lives or to cause problems but now it's time to put myself first and to do what I think is the right thing.

TandemJeremy - Member
ilovemygears - please go away.

Its teh abusers fault here. If she is not a fit person to be working in the care sector if she behaves like this and the kids are at risk

yes and children's homes are happy loving places,

She does scream obscenities at them, and use threatening language towards them. I can also see that they are frightened of her, but quickly forgive her. It's like they think it's normal?
She tends to show her love towards them by buying them toys and sweets way too often, rather than show them affection.

sounds like my mum 🙂

One way or another, it'll get sorted now. I hope she can pull herself together and become a better person.
I don't like to disrupt other people's lives or to cause problems but now it's time to put myself first and to do what I think is the right thing.

There you go Teej, shooting down someone's opinion and telling him to go away because it doesn't go with what you have to say.

He might not have the same thought process as you, but he's been in a similar situation, have you?

It's a delicate subject as far as the kids go and needs careful consideration as to what might be best for them - being taken away from their mother is 99% not going to be the best for them unless she is actually being violent toward them. Of course this may not happen, but has to be taken into consideration

If the kids have witnessed any of her behaviour towards you, then contact social services - children shouldn't be exposed to domestic violence issues. If the police get involved and are worried about her capacity to safeguard her own children, then as a matter of course the police would be obliged to involve the social services.
Under Child in Need a Common Assessment Framework would be completed, and this would possibly lead into a series of Child in Need meetings.
A phone call to health visitor might not go amiss either.
Doesn't sound like the kids would progress to a Child Protection Plan (the old register doesn't really exist any more) as CAF & CIN is meant to manage lots of lower level problems and keep the SS free for dealing with clear cut cases of harm.

It's a complicated situation you are in, but for your own sake & the sake of her children there needs to be some action taken.
Best of luck.

Skoolshoes, I work with these issues a lot, if you feel that the childrens welfare is at risk from your partners behaviour then you should consider reporting to social services, [b][u]THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY WILL BE TAKEN FROM HER OR YOU WILL BE NAMED AS THE PERSON RAISING CONCERNS. I have put this in bold to empahasise that what other people tell you may not be neccessarily true Childrens Services have changed their approach and do not descend in the night and take the children unless there are real issues towards their physical safety and those risks are immediate.

You also need to maintain your own safety, there appears to be an escilation in her behaviour and it sounds like you have experienced a lot of violence, it may go quiet for a little while, but sadly in my experience it rarely stops. Good luck with the charges, please do not feel guilty about reporting it, the perpetrator knows their behaviour is wrong and must be accountable for it. She has broken the Law and that has consequenses, it is not your responsibility, yours is to your self and the children who are witnessing this.

Good luck with it, it will be rough and others may try to make you feel guilty, try not to take it to heart, no-one deserves to be treated by this and just putting up with it does not allow you to be treated with respect and dignity.

It's a delicate subject as far as the kids go and needs careful consideration as to what might be best for them

Totally agree. Social services are going to be best placed to make that decision though aren't they? I don't think anyones suggesting that they should be taken into care, merely that the whole family might need some help when the OP leaves.

I'd agree that the OP's made a brave and positive decision. Suggestions that he needs to MTFU are frankly ridiculous, since that's exactly what he has done.

TAFKASTR

This is not a place to be arguing. The OP has asked for support. he does not need you or others trolling or proving arguments.

OP - feel free to email me off forum if I can help.

will send this to mrsconsequence, she's an qualified independent domestic violence advisor who works with all the high risk cases with the police, probation service and charities... will see if i can get her to have a read and comment.

sorry i cant offer advice personally, but not being an expert and not having been through it personally i think it would be silly of me to do so. hopefully mrsconsequence can offer some advice even if it just backs up what somebody else has already says, or reassures you a little.

we could[ perhaps should] start another thread on Social services/Care homes if we wished rather than debate it here. FWIW I have worked in both sectors on the coal face so to speak.
Social services first actions will be to assess and then support the mother not remove the kids. Does anyone actually think this woman does not have issues that need addressing considering how she treats him and her kids? Do they think it will improve if she does nothing? do they think the kids will be unaffected by all this?
OP best of luck

apologies, jumped to the second page after reading the opening post, didn't see that she had already commented with some advice and details of some support for guys being abused.

good luck with everything dude! i truly and honestly wish you all the best.

I was a child that often witnessed scenes like you describe, though father abusive towards mother and children. It wasn't enjoyable growing up through it, and when it was happening (around 10 years ago, I'm now 24) social services were called many times and nothing was done about it. My father was eventually sectioned under the mental health act and moved away, though this happened through the contact of a GP instead of social services - social services were the ones who 'took away' my father, however.

I only say all this to give a child's perspective, despite going through this in my teens, I do not feel as though I was affected in a life changing way, at the time I knew no different, and despite it being absolutely horrible at the time me and my two siblings are now OK with it. Though we rarely speak about it, it's not something that plays on our minds at all.

It's really sad that you and the children have been put through this, for someone you love to end up being a cause of such distress. My mother felt she couldn't escape and at the time nobody seemed to want to help, social services didn't, and as I say, it was only through a personal contact that something was done. After my father left that was it really, my mother brought us up and nothing else was said about it. My advice would be to call the police on every occurrence until something is done, so it is documented.

The laws and suitable punishments/criminal records for this aren't to be decided by us, and I truly believe you should call the police, confide in your friends and your GP; somebody with such a temperament I don't think should be working in the care-sector.

phil even on the internet you dont listen to her 🙄
At least you have learnt to apologise immediately though

An alternative view. Pressing charges will draw out the agony and tie you to the town you are in. Unless she presses charges, let it drop. You don't need any more stuff than you can carry in an overnight bag. It's the Summer and there's work if you look for it. Farm work with lodgings or seasonal work with lodgings. Call in at the job centre, find where they are recruiting and hitch-hike there if you can't afford the tickets.

missingfrontallobe makes a good point - social services will be informed of this incident by the police whether you tell them independently or not. You will probably be able to give them more historical and background information than what will go on the police report, which may help them decide what's best for the children.

My experience of the system does not extend beyond completing and submitting the child concern and risk assessment forms, but I think it extremely unlikely that this incident alone would result in the children being taken from her, there has to be serious concern for [i]their[/i] safety for that to happen in a hurry.

At this moment in time, I don't believe that the kids are at risk from physical harm by her.
The eldest (5 yr old) has been affected by what she has seen in the past.
When I first moved in with them, she was scared to be in the same room as me and would shout "Get out of my flat S****y" (which was her father's name).
She would have major temper tantrums, throwing herself on the floor and kicking out wildly.
She has trouble speaking correctly and still soils her underwear almost everyday.
I'm no expert, but from what I've seen, I believe it to be related to some sort of past trauma.
I also asked the gf if she's ever had SS involved and she said no.
Anytime she had a fight with their dad (or other people) and the police were called, she'd tell them that it happened away from the kids or that the kids weren't there.
She knows how to play the system and has done it for too long.

Sounds stupid but I still love her! That's how she's been reeling me back in each time.
The violence has escalated to the point where I'm worried about what'll happen next. It's not just the physical violence though. Keeping me secluded and not permitting me to speak to other people. It all makes sense now. Like I mentioned before, I only wish I'd have spoken out earlier.
If it makes any difference, I also had a tough childhood. Some of the things I witnessed between my own parents were awful and I wouldn't wish it upon anybody. Perhaps that's why I tolerated this for so long?

Don't be hard on yourself. You've decsided to do something now, that takes courage. You will have mixed feelings, that's normal, there was something about your partner that was good before all this, but you are right in your observation that it is escilating. You may have doubts at this time, whatever you decside to do, talk to someone who can help you with your emotional health- I wish you well with it

Don't confuse pity with love. Don't confuse love with thinking your stuck either! I did that and it doesn't work! From what you've written she doesn't sound too good a mother and it's a crying shame that kids are there and they are being brought up in that enviroment. You must must put yourself first and you've got to try see what's best for you. Please don't think that her violence can't reach another level because it can and it does! There's been many many a bloke who's been stabbed by his wife/girlfriend and there's been plenty who have said nothing because when you admit it's happened you think other blokes will think your weak! Abuse in the home IS NOT just against woman!

Well if it's any consolation, you are in good company, given that the majority of domestic abuse victims put up with it for a very long time before seeking help, if they ever do.

As someone who spent his childhood witnessing domestic violence, and who now deals with it very regularly at work, you are absolutely doing the correct thing in deciding to leave. Whether you pursue it with the police or not is up to you, I think you should but as I say, your choice. But I have never known of any situation where the abuse just stopped, not permanently. It may happen I suppose, but that is not the normal pattern.
I think it has been reasonably well established that people who grow up witnessing domestic violence are more likely to become either victims or perpetrators themselves, presumably more likely to subconsciously believe that such behaviour is normal. So perhaps this is why you've put up with it for so long.

I also wish you well.

I think under the circumstances the only possible reason to stay would be if they were your kids. Take some solace in the fact that whilst you may well care for or love her kids, they are her kids. Personaly I would walk away immediately but I wouldnt press charges. Whilst it may be morally right in some peoples view,it will just prolong the separation and probably impact the kids more. Wish her luck and move on so to speak. Keep your chin up and love yourself a little.

@OP, get the hell out of there, listen to your sister. Your heart will bleed for the kids but you [u]will[/u] survive.
Move really far, sever the connections, especially the emotional ones, you are bound to have. Get a job, begin your independent life.
Good luck!

The main reasons for pressing charges are; I feel that she's done this before and nothing came of it. If I don't do something about it now, it could carry on and someone else could fall victim to her.
Also, it might make her have a wake up call and change her ways.
My sister says that because the first phone call to the police was from her accusing me, it'll stay on record and although no charges were made against me, it doesn't look good.
If I press charges, people will know the truth and she'll be dealt with accordingly.
I'm not doing this to punish her and tbh, if she hadn't have phoned the police first, I probably would have let it go.
I spent 6 hours in a cell for something that I didn't do, did a lot of thinking and came home to somebody that showed no emotion and no concern for how I felt or what had happened.
She's already lost a lot of friends because of her temper.
I do think it's a shame because I have seen her caring and loving side.
In a way, I feel like I'm doing the dirty on her.
I know it has to be done though!
I'm going to seek professional help myself after this is all sorted. I only hope she does the same...

my only thoughts are for the safty of the children, if when she comes home in a mood with no one like yourself to take it out on then there is a chance she will take it out on the kids are you happy for that to happen, no then you have to do the right thing and let the legal process take over and we do not want the children to think that abuse is normal so they themselves become abusers later in life.good luck you know with time everything gets better coming from someone who took to many pills one night as i thought my world had ended.

Do you think that moving far away is a good decision?
I have my own kids living in this town and see them regularly. I don't drive either.
Moving to a different town scares me at the moment. Took me ages to get used to this one.
What's people's honest opinion on this?

Showerman, that's partly why I stayed for so long and put up with it.
The kids are both great kids and although they have their problems, I love them to bits.
I really hope that they get looked after properly once I'm gone.

No need to move towns IMO - and no need to decide that yet anyway. Once you are out of the situation she will lose her power over you.

Where do your family live? Where did you live before? Do you still have friends where you used to live? (or is it the same town)

Thats not a decision for now. concentrate on what you have to do as the first step. As you take each step the next one becomes easier. What seems insurmountable now will not seem so great once you take a step or two

I think that's why my heads a mess right now? Anticipating the move! Once I'm out of here, things should get easier.

There is no need at all move away - staying put and facing up to things is all part of the healing process and you will get over it. For once I do agree with TJ (hehe) and take one step at a time and it WILL get better.

She should not be careing for older people if she doesnt care for you, or her kids, you have done the right thing, and best wishes to you, she should be investigated by SS into her ability to do the job she is paid to do as well.

As for the kids theyre not yours so you have mo maternal need to llok after them, hard as it may seem theyre best left to be looked after elsewhere, as they will have a hold and a draw on you returning back to her.

Relationships are two sided, not just one sided, as seems to be happening more and more nowadays, and she obviously cant handle stress or family living, and she most obviously needs proffesional help, for the sake of the kids.

Oh and i have very real experience of what may happen if you dont run now, ...................., runaway fast and dont look back.

You can make a clean break if the kids aren't yours, it sounds as if you love them, but realisticaly will she let you see them if you split?

Just move out.

I mean as long as the kids have someone to look after them pack and go.

Criminal records are checked for a number of formalities and sensitive jobs. I've even had to produce documents provided by the British police confirming I had a clean criminal record in the UK for formalities in France. Neither of you will benefit from the other having a criminal record IMO.

What kind of life do you dream of, Schoolshoes? Be honest with yourself, do you have the skills you need to fullfil your dreams or could you aquire them? Where do you want to be and what do you want to be doing in a year, in five years and in ten years. When you've decided what you can realistically achieve start working towards that, now. I think you need careers advice more than relationship counciling because from now on I think you should look after number one. The better you look after yourself the better you will be as father to your own daughters and the better you'll feel - a virtuous circle rather than the vicious circle you're in now.

I would strongly advise speaking to professionals about planning to move and where to move to. Like philconsequence has mentioned, there are trained professionals to advise in these situations and I spend all day doing it. As someone has mentioned, when you leave she has lost the power over you, and this can be dangerous - the desire for power and control can be quite something in humans

Once I'm out of here, things should get easier.

How are things this morning , Skoolshoes?

I don't have much advice to offer except to remove yourself from the situation - hopefully you've done that - and a bit of Pearl Jam...

Ok, I had a word with her last night. Told her that I'm leaving but didn't say when.
She probably thinks that I'm bluffing, because I have said it before.
I also said that I can't have the kids today because I'm going out.
She asked me what time and I said about 11ish. She told me it would have to be earlier as she leaves for work at 7:30. When I asked why I would have to leave earlier, she replied "because after the other night, the babysitter is scared of you".
Scared of me? I was the one that came home first and asked the babysitter if she was home yet, told her that she was in a bad mood and had too much to drink. I also apologised to the babysitter when she left and saw her out of the door.
The babysitter is the daughter of a person that my gf works with. I'm wondering if they're concocting a story to protect her?
It's made me think twice before going in today and making a statement.
It needs to be done, but I don't have the strength or energy to carry on if things go further.
She has abused the people that she cares for at work too 🙁 Told me of 2 incidences, squirting shampoo into the eyes of a resident that can't speak and using a whole bottle of chilli sauce in another's meal and laughing while they watch him eat it. It's not just her though, there are a few of them that work there that do it!
Should I bring this up if I make a statement?

It needs to be done, but I don't have the strength or energy to carry on if things go further.

She has abused the people that she cares for at work too

If in doubt, tell the police. It's up to them to decide what is/isn't relevent.

She sounds like a nasty bit of work and completely deserving of anything that befalls her. If it were me and be gone without a second thought or a look back, they are not your kids and as attached to them as you may be you need to GTFO.

Mate, you need to get out, and you need to go to the police. It won't be easy, but it has to be done.

good luck

Just my little contribution but I would strongly advise that if you do indeed leave the household, it is imperative that you contact the police and social services as it is quite possible that the issue that is presenting itself as you being domestically abused is then turned even further on to the children.
This, I know can be true.

she has abused the people that she cares for at work too Told me of 2 incidences, squirting shampoo into the eyes of a resident that can't speak and using a whole bottle of chilli sauce in another's meal and laughing while they watch him eat it. It's not just her though, there are a few of them that work there that do it!

One sick and sad bitter woman she is, get her reported to care standards, or the care quality commision, and ensuree she never ever works with vulnerable people again.

Just get out fast. It's turning into a war of words and sounds like she's getting people to back her up which may lead to false statements to the police. Whilst I've never been in a situation like yours I have had false statements made against me. I had absolute proof a key accusation was a lie (a series of photographs) which devalued the other stuff against me - case dropped. You may have trouble providing such proof. If you can avoid it getting that far by just going, go.

From a professional point of view (police officer), I have dealt with hundreds of DV incidents. You need to get out now, her behaviour will escalate, and it clearly has escalated within your relationship. I understand your concern about HER children but they aren't yours .If you have issues with her as a Mother then you have a duty to report her to SS. If it is as simple as what you say there is no way SS will take the children off her, they do everything in their power to leave them with the families as much as they can. since you've already spent 6 hours in a cell a report will have already gone to SS Anyways, but you need to give them the full picture so they can deal with it appropriately, not from the snippets they will get from the accounts upon your arrest (where she will have easily lied to the old bill).

You need to be strong and prosectue her, how is she ever going to know what she does is wrong? She will have treated countless other men like this and clearly kept getting away with it. You need to make that statement. Long term potentially depending on what infor the police have they could in theory prosecute her anyway without your support, they are doing this more and more for domestic violence cases for the EXACT reason why you won't/feel you can't. DA is a horrible thing that needs to be dealt with!

I would ignore some of the tu**s on here who clearly have no idea what they are talking about. If you want more personal advice I think yuo are best e-mailing me or Mrs Consquence who can guide you appropriately and anonymously still in the right direction.

Do not stand up to this, do not think you need to MTFU, this is abuse and it is unforgiveable. Be strong, do what's right and you will come out the other side, stronger, healthier and happier.

Good luck (e-mail in profile if you need it).

Harm to kids isn't just the obvious of physical, sexual or neglect, there is also a very difficult to prove category of abuse of emotional abuse/neglect, but her behaviour towards her children could certainly be contstrued as emotional abuse.