I just found this thread via another.

Grum, I’ve never met you, but on STW you come across as a really good guy, and I always enjoy seeing your pics.

I hope you are feeling well and recovering from your bike crash!

Hey Grum, how’s it going?

We may disagree on a few things Grum but you are in my thoughts, I’d be happy to help in anyway you need.

I asked Kimbers to send you TMH’s best wishes

Sorry to hijack, but as this thread has got bumped and it might be useful for grum: was just wondering at what point when people ask you how you are you’re honest about it? I’ve admitted to being depressed on here often enough, but then I don’t know and have never met most of you lot. Somewhat predictably I’m feeling pretty down at the moment, and as usual responding to the casual social interactions by lying. Does everybody else just go round smiling and pretend? I’m feeling kind of tired of that, but then I also understand that being grumpy isn’t a terribly attractive trait and not likely to win me friends (or a female friend on the remote chance such an opportunity ever arose).

Thoughts I suppose prompted by a text in reply to me asking after somebody I’d not quite describe as a mate who is currently injured. I think he has some idea that I’m not happy when he asks how I am, but then I don’t want to get all heavy on somebody I don’t know very well.

Does everybody else just go round smiling and pretend?

Yes, we do. …….It’s not just you.

Does everybody else just go round smiling and pretend?

I’m not pretending. The amount of sertraline I’m on means I literally can’t stop smiling. 😀

So do I just respond “yeah I’m OK” to the text, which is what I’m tempted by?

I usually go with something lightweight and flippant….

Them :”How are you?”

Me: “Oh, You know? Every day’s an adventure!”

They give a chuckle and move on.

Classic deflection.

Depends, I try to be open/honest with those closer to me or who I think might react OK. A phrase I use is “my mental health hasn’t been great” which I hope de-stigmatises it.

But I’ve spoken to few people about it – whereas it’s easier to discuss on here.

Does everybody else just go round smiling and pretend?
Yes, we do. …….It’s not just you.

I’ve become extremely good at hiding it over the years. To the point where one of my wife’s closest friends couldn’t believe it when she found out I suffered from depression. To be honest it utterly wears me out to put up a front all the time.

I think it’s part of the problem – we learn to put a face on which then becomes the default position – and no doubt holds back recovery.

“Does everybody else just go round smiling and pretend?”

Nobody really wants to hear the truth, they only ask out of convention. I have found it really important to have someone who I can turn to when the bad thoughts are crowding in and say I’m not feeling well. In my case it’s my wife but it doesn’t have to be someone intimate – I’m sure if I spoke to my cbt therapist it would be the same. I don’t even need to go into detail because I know the bad thoughts sre rubbish; but if I can say I’ve had suicidal thoughts then I always feel better.

To be honest, I’ve always been a huge advocate for openness around mental health issues, but I feel weird and even embarrassed to admit to having been depressed for years. Even typing it is hard, yet I have no real idea why.

I think I just don’t like being a ‘sufferer’ or a ‘victim’, and admitting to it. But I am trying hard to be honest and open about it with most people with whom I have more than a passing acquaintance. When it’s appropriate, of course; I don’t just blurt it out to almost everyone I know!

But in your case, aracer, I probably wouldn’t just smile and pretend. cynic-al is right: putting a face on it probably holds us back from overcoming it.

I have my brave face on 80% of my life, I’d say.

Gets very tiresome.

Been on a low dose of Citalopram for over a year now. If people ask me a straight question they get a polite answer, a couple of good mates know to push me for an honest answer.

A new member of the team was shocked to hear I’d needed time off last year and was still on meds “But you’re not the type”. No, I’ve just been lying to the world for 30 years too long.

Would love to know if i am acting normal because of the meds or if i could cope without. Scared of finding out I still need them.

Having a not so great week, by the way, thank you for asking. 😉

Does everybody else just go round smiling and pretend?

I think we all do this to some extent, and I guess it can help: if someone is manifestly miserable all the time, some people may want to help, but many others will withdraw from them and their work and social lives and relationships will probably deteriorate, which will make things even worse. ‘Faking it to make it’ may help people to soldier on through a bad patch to get to a better place.

However, I think that constantly pretending to be happy or content for a long period when the truth is the opposite, is bad for one’s mental health. Ultimately, we need to be true to ourselves, and creating and maintaining a major disconnect between our outward persona and how we really feel isolates a person from those around and close to them, and makes it much harder to fix the underlying problems.

Grum, I hope you are feeling better, even with the physical injury and pain you’ve got now. I am hoping that rather than getting despondent about the accident and enforced lay off, you can look on it with a sense of humour and positivism (rather than think how bad it was, think how much worse the accident might have been and how lucky you were it wasn’t worse – I’ve read that it’s that mindset, rather than the actual experiences of our lives, which distinguishes happy/optimistic people from unhappy/pessimistic people).

Would love to know if i am acting normal because of the meds or if i could cope without. Scared of finding out I still need them.

Having a not so great week, by the way, thank you for asking.

I can feel in my gut that I still need them. They are like a thread that keeps me attached to something solid and keeps me from falling downhill. And I can feel when I start peering over the edge, so know that it’s the meds that keep me ‘safe’.

Funny you should mention your week. Mine’s been bad as well. Must be the moon…

This is the problem I have – you lot are it when it comes to that. I was thinking about this, and there is somebody I’ve met fairly recently who I’m having more in depth conversations with than I’ve had with anybody in a long time, but I guess I’m worried about spoiling that by getting too heavy, and it’s not like the opportunity has really cropped up (anxiety, the good old companion to depression creeping in there). I suppose the other thing is that I’m not usually having to act when I’m out with her, so it’s not even something I’m thinking about (just to head off any comments from those who’ve noted the gender, no there is nothing romantic and won’t ever be, I’m sure the feeling is mutual on that).

I did actually mention my domestic/romantic situation to a couple of people I kind of know when out getting drunk recently, which is the first time I’ve ever admitted to that with anybody in real life – but then the topic came up because the others were discussing their love lives and asked about mine and I decided not to lie.

Scared of finding out I still need them

This is something that is very relatable for me. I’m genuinely scared that I don’t know who the real me is. When I feel content in the slightest, I think I’m being fake to everyone and myself.

Feeling glad I started this particular line of thought now seeing the responses. I’m also having a shit week, so there’s a few of us – as I alluded up there it was thoroughly predictable as I just finished a project which was absorbing me – what’s worse is that it was a real success and so finished on a real high, getting lots of positive comments from people, I suspect if it had been a bit of a flop I wouldn’t be on such a big downer 🙄

I can feel in my gut that I still need them. They are like a thread that keeps me attached to something solid and keeps me from falling downhill. And I can feel when I start peering over the edge, so know that it’s the meds that keep me ‘safe’.

I’m in the exact same situation. I was going to start weaning off them a couple of months ago, but glad I didn’t. I also worry if I’m still me if that makes sense?

My 2p; I’ve just finished 8 counselling sessions. At the mid point I posted on here that I didn’t know how they would help. Now I seem to be drip feeding myself the solutions.

And that is, I found out a lot about myself, how I act and how I interpret others actions, but I also found out that I have a tendancy to project myself to people in a manner which I believe they want to see me, and not a true projection of myself.

I’ve started communicating openly, honestly and like me not someone else. And for the most part people have commented that I’m calmer, more balanced and far less stressed. If you don’t like me, I’ll no longer put up and illusion to get you to do so, and I don’t feel the need to impress you.

Don’t stress yourself keeping others happy – you build a self perpetuating model of yourself which you in turn are not happy with yet expending lots of mental energy on that false illusion.

Find positive, reasonable, and open non-judgmental people to talk to.
That could be a therapist, or a friend or relative.
I’ve been going through purgatory (hell would be too strong a word) and decided to talk openly and honestly with my father for the first time this week.
He is naturally very reserved but seems to be more open since retirement. I’m also seeing a therapist who specialises in my particular area of worry.
I had a nervous breakdown 10 years ago and am determined not to repeat the past, but to be open and honest with people I trust, which I didn’t do the first time around.

It does depend on who asks as mentioned above. I also think I have a pretty good ‘mask’. I am open with people I trust about my mental health and am happy to discuss the topic a lot in general – especially to reduce ignorance, challenge stereotypes and remove stigma.

Most of my life I never even knew I was anxious and depressed. I just really believed that school/life/work/everyone/everything and myself were rubbish. That was incredibly debilitating and led to me walking out of jobs and eventually my career. Mind, I wouldn’t go back!

Been looking at this post for the last week; can’t help as I keep getting emotional and going to other simpler threads so haven’t read everything.
My ‘low’ self will say go and talk to family, friends, groups , in normal social surroundings without alcohol
My ‘high ‘ self wants to interact with everyone and everything and think that I’m just being a nice guy at the pub/ club and that this day is an experience that I’ll never get again.
The problem that I have is girlfriend and very close mate thinks I’m a dick when drunk, but strangers think I’m funny.
I go with the strangers pretending I’m having ‘a new experience ‘
Sorry to dash on your post.

Mark, many people use alcohol as a short-term boost for confidence or self-esteem. You’re not alone in that at all. Try not to be too hard on yourself – it’s a tough place to be. Going forward looking for a different way to boost self-esteem and confidence will likely be important.

Take care dude and best of luck.

Anyone else having the week from hell?
Just found out my sister and her kids are being made homeless…getting to the point of wishing I could just go to sleep and not wake up for a couple of years.

Hang in badnewz, things will work there way through.

Been a lot on mental health in the media recently. I’ve been watching the marathon documentary and it’s been a bit up and down. Seeing others talk of feeling worthless and the world being better without them bring the back the bad times last year, but I can see how far I have come since.

Hey folks. Had a little involuntary holiday from STW – been following the thread though. Thanks for all the kind/helpful words. I’m glad this has sparked some useful discussion for other peeps too.

Leg and face mostly healed but I broke two metacarpals in my hand pretty well – gonna need wires/plates putting in apparently. Keep getting surgery cancelled which is frustrating cos I’ve got to photograph a wedding in a couple of weeks and can’t even start the healing process yet really.

aracer whereabouts are you? For those asking I’m mostly in Kirkby Lonsdale (near Kendal) at the moment but a move to Leeds is looking on the cards potentially. I’d be well up for meeting up with people but I won’t be riding any bikes for a good few weeks. Need to try and stay fit though so if anyone is free for midweek hiking in the Dales/Lakes?

I’m getting some good daily help from the NHS ‘crisis team’ now. Feeling a little less bleak but a long way to go.

Good luck to everyone else struggling.

Great to hear from you.

Things are looking up 🙂

I’ve been there, honestly my kids are probably the only thing that stopped me, I couldn’t do that to them.

I’m dealing with a very very bad situation at the moment but I have to be there for them and that is what motivates me to keep on going and sort everything out and not give up.

Though it might take a while if you’re on the Codeine.

LOL@ scotroutes

Good to hear from you Grum. Wiggles, how are things?

Glad to hear you’re feeling better mentally if not physically 🙂

Way down south from you, Worcester/Malvern area. If I was anywhere near I’d have pinged you for a ride (though I guess that’s not on right at the moment!)

Personally I think I’m over my latest downer – it’s embarrassingly predictable given I’ve met up and fun with some folks I really like today. Though in a way it’s good predictable, because I know it will make me feel better so it’s something I can look forwards to. Not understanding what pushes your buttons is definitely a lot worse.

Cheers folks. Ba-doom-tish scotroutes! That’s relatable: I’ve had all of the codeine. 😳

Ah well aracer yeah that is a way away – if you ever fancy a visit to the Lakes there are spare beds here.

Not understanding what pushes your buttons is definitely a lot worse.

Yeah, sadly I don’t think any of us will ever be ‘cured’, just need to learn to manage it as well as possible.

Forgot to mention – after my bike crash I was driving (didn’t know my hand was broken at this point) near my house on a quiet back road I’ve driven a million times. Was kinda on auto-pilot and not paying attention and was too near the middle of the road – didn’t notice a car coming the other way until too late. Swerved to avoid them but clipped them slightly.

Couldn’t believe it and totally panicked when I looked round and saw the car on it’s side, thought at first it had just clipped my wing mirror. They must have swerved into the hedge and hit a big tree root that was right there and the car flipped over. I totally feared the worst.

I ran over to help and it was a mother with two young girls 7ish in the car on it’s side 🙁 – I held the door open and she had to hand the kids to me so I could lift them out of the car, then I helped lift her out. Luckily everyone ok but I was mortified about what could have happened. Mum was surprisingly good about it.

Police came and it seems I have to go to a driving awareness course and no points/prosecution. So so lucky but felt like a piece of shit.

Then stopped at services on the way home and think I had my wallet nicked while waiting for food.

Not really winning at life.

***ity ****….!
Lucky outcome!

mark d – Member
Been looking at this post for the last week; can’t help as I keep getting emotional and going to other simpler threads so haven’t read everything.
My ‘low’ self will say go and talk to family, friends, groups , in normal social surroundings without alcohol
My ‘high ‘ self wants to interact with everyone and everything and think that I’m just being a nice guy at the pub/ club and that this day is an experience that I’ll never get again.
The problem that I have is girlfriend and very close mate thinks I’m a dick when drunk, but strangers think I’m funny.

Fancy a beer?

Made me think of this… 😉