I think I’ve been depressed to some degree basically my whole adult life. Last year my marriage of 18 years (since we were at school together) broke down, I’m now back living with my mum and utterly broke. I’ve done quite a bit of traveling with work and other trips and everyone seems to think I lead this dream lifestyle – but honestly rarely a day goes by where I don’t think about killing myself. Unless I’m actually on an adventure I’m miserable as ****.

I’m also kind of sick of being on my own but I’m useless when it comes to women and have no confidence whatsoever. I also wouldn’t really want to subject anyone else to me. Don’t really want to be on my own for the rest of my life though.

I’m just totally drained by feelings of self-hatred and stress and worry that I have every day and don’t really want to go on feeling like this. I’ve tried anti-depressants, talking therapies, mindfulness etc – some of it works a bit but it just feels like a sticking plaster. I don’t think I’ll ever be a happy, confident, functional person. Not really sure if it’s wise to share this or why I’m doing it but I just feel pretty desperate at the moment. I have access to pretty large quantities of sleeping pills and the idea of taking enough to not wake up again is pretty tempting.

First off, give 116123 a call – The Samaritans. Right now.

That’s a strange opinion you’ve formed about yourself. I’ve met you and if you lived near me I imagine we’d be pretty good buddies. Not in the romantic sense like…..

Having suffered from depression I could have written much of the above 2 years ago. Things can and do get better, so as above, give 116123 a call now and know that articulating how you felt and reaching out as you have done is both bloody brave and the first step to things getting better.

repeat what Colin says Graham. I too have met you a few times and you already know we get on…..so if you can get on with me you can get on with anyone mate.

keep your chin up mate, and just say when if you fancy a ride. I am free this weekend.
heck, we could even do some steady uplift stuff again.

You’re not alone……. I am in a very similar situation to you, sadly so are many thousands of others. I know right at this moment you won’t care about that, but I just wanted you to know.

You’re not alone …… We’re here for you, if you can’t talk to friends/family/samaratins then we’re here

51 weeks and 5 days ago my life fell away from me, I thought about ending it every day for months, then every other day, then once a week, then…. Well you know where I’m going with this.

Just remember it’s an illness that’s causing you to think this way, it’s not ‘you’.

You’re not alone

First off, give 116123 a call – The Samaritans. Right now

Definitely this. You need to speak to someone, anyone as soon as you can.

In the meantime, take a moment to think about your Mum….I’d imagine that you wouldn’t want to put her through that.

Give her a cuddle instead. Have a chat with her. You may find she understands more than you realise.

Talk to someone. It helps. It really does.

Ring that number or we wil send Ton round, ok? 😉

I sometimes think I’d be in your position if anything ever happened to my wife. I’m useless around the opposite sex and I have no idea why my wife took an interest in me!! I reckon it’s a pretty common thing for guys so you are not alone. When you’ve lived with someone for 18 years it’s going to be immensely difficult to cope without them when they are gone. It’s probably most of my adult life so it’s pretty frightening thought.

Hi Grum,

It sounds like you’ve had a hard time lately, sorry to hear that.

I agree with Ox, talk to some one impartial as soon as you can about the suicidal thoughts, and seek out some professional help – your way of seeing yourself is basically incorrect, you see yourself as bad or damaged or hopeless, but I can guarantee no one else does and the vast majority of people would see a lot of good in you if they met you!

I struggled with depression from when I was 15 to my late 20s, including having the occasional suicidal thought. Like you OP, I tried all the therapies and the one that really worked the best was psychotherapy, as it made me realise that the depression was self-inflicted, based on an abnormal perception of myself as some sort of failure, which I wasn’t. It sounds as if you have a similar negative perception of yourself which is undermining how you engage with the world.

Some advice based on initial observations;

I’m now back living with my mum and utterly broke.

This happens to a lot of people nowadays and is nothing to be ashamed of. Easy fix; if you are still in employment, move into a house share, meet new people. If not in employment, spend this time bulking up your CV with new skills and try to find a job which you find rewarding. From personal experience, sitting at home thinking too much makes depression worse.

Unless I’m actually on an adventure I’m miserable as ****.

Why not retrain as an MTB / adventure guide? Do some volunteering abroad (plenty of opportunities in places like South America, Africa, Asia etc).

I’m also kind of sick of being on my own but I’m useless when it comes to women and have no confidence whatsoever. I also wouldn’t really want to subject anyone else to me. Don’t really want to be on my own for the rest of my life though.

I don’t mean this in a negative way to you personally but no decent woman would want to be with someone with that perception of themselves, and such an arrangement wouldn’t be the basis of a long-lasting and happy relationship. It sounds as if you are looking for someone else as the answer to your depression, which hasn’t worked in the past. Again, from personal experience, you will only find someone to build a strong, healthy relationship when you yourself are in a strong and healthy (mentally) position. So for the moment, you need to forget about relationships and put yourself first.

I don’t think I’ll ever be a happy, confident, functional person.

This is the main problem. If you think you will never get better, you won’t. So you need to change your perception of yourself and your capacity for healing first. You can’t do that on your own, so you need to get help (Samaritans as others have suggested is a good start, my experience of the NHS is that the help available is very dependent on where you live).

I have access to pretty large quantities of sleeping pills

Flush these down the toilet so you don’t get tempted.

With you, grum.

Do as the others have suggested. Talk, and keep talking even if it makes no sense.

Where abouts do you live?

Hey mate,

When we spent time together i thought you were a lovely bloke… I wouldn’t shag you, but i thought you were proper nice, friendly, fun, great to get on with.
I can’t help much, but Mrs Weeksy is away for a few days, if you want to head down to Berks for a change of scenery i have bikes, beers, motorbikes and dry dusty trails…. get in your car right now and drive down mate… we’ll set the world to rights…

It may not be a long term fix… but it’s a couple of days of respite.

You’re not alone.

About a year ago I reached the same point (having been on my way there for a number of years), despite having what others would see as a pretty good job I was utterly miserable, struggling to cope with spiraling debts, single, old (I felt old – was was ‘only’ 37) and that anything that could go wrong, would go wrong (and it did!). I’d moved back in with my mum too in an effort to improve the financial side of things – however it certainly didn’t help with feeling like an utter loser.

Pretty much every day I planned how to finish it, going as far as buying the stuff I needed to ‘finish the job’. The only thing stopping me was my mum and brother and what it would do to them.

I decided that if it got to the point where I had the mask attached to the tank (told you I had it planned), then I’d just set off on my bike and ride for a bit (not far, I didn’t have much energy) and if I got to a point where things hadn’t improved then I’d end it all.

I didn’t go to the doctors nor did I see a shrink (which I probably should have done).

A year on and I have improved, although I have good days and bad. Today I’m OK, fairly calm and had a decent commute in. My money issues have sorted themselves out and I’m now looking to buy a new house. Tomorrow I might be back to the depths of despair but I have the bike loaded in my mum’s garage ready to go should I need to.

I can’t really comment on the feelings of depression you have as I don’t know you, but I can say that my view on suicide has changed a bit. I now see it as ‘an option’ and in doing so it makes me feel a lot calmer about things. A way out if you will.

I didn’t follow the standard route outlined by others above and my ‘recovery’ has probably been stunted by it. However I will say that having the option to just bugger off on the bike gives another ‘better’ option and one that seemed preferable to the other one at the time

Cycling helps me a lot with my depression, which I’ve had for most of the last ~25 years, in periods when I didn’t cycle I went into a much darker place (not to mention being much less fit and putting on weight).

I’ve not long come back from my first early morning recreational ride in years, I feel so much better for it, instead of typically fighting “the fuzziness fog” most of the day on days off from work before forcing myself out of the door in the afternoon.

Go see Weeksy. Depression lies to us and makes us anti-social when we need company. It’s nice weather and spending time on the trails will help you.
My pennyworth of armchair analysis:
From reading your post I think you are an independent and adventurous spirit trapped in a conformist life. This could be the right time to retrain, mtb’ing guide sounds a good idea, or your own business, something that allows you to express this side of your personality.
I think this is a big reason for male depression – many of us are wired for adventure, not routine.

Sorry to hear how you’re feeling

Some great advice above. DO TALK yo somebody – The Samaritans, your mum, your GP, hell even in here

Ride your bike – physical activity really does help. And take some solace from some of the kind words and offers above. I’ve no idea where you are but if you fancy a ride in the Chilterns or nearby then my email is in profile

Though I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had suicidal thoughts I have had a pretty grim 18 months – but It can and does get better

Keep your chin up and keep talking

Thanks everyone. What you say all makes lots of sense. weekly cheers for the offer but can’t face a long drive right now.

From reading your post I think you are an independent and adventurous spirit trapped in a conformist life. This could be the right time to retrain, mtb’ing guide sounds a good idea, or your own business, something that allows you to express this side of your personality.

Kind of funny – pretty much the opposite. I am self employed as a photographer and I get to do some stuff for work that I guess some people would kill for (got paid to go photograph a festival in Avoriaz the other week). I’m struggling to enjoy any of it though.

I love the freedom of being self-employed but my main problem is most other people are at work when I have free time so I just end up spending a lot of time on my own. No way I could go back to a 9-5 job though.

The stuff about riding my bike – I’ve been doing quite a bit of that but I still suffer from CFS/PVFS so if I overdo it I just feel like shit, mentally and physically.

OP, you could be talking about me in your post. Low self esteem and social anxiety all my life leading to long term depression. Feel I’ve missed out on so much that life should have to offer and at 50+ feel I’ve missed my chances. Going through NHS counselling (again!), it helps to talk but can’t see it curing anything. Meds make no difference. Sorry you’re in the same boat.

Just remember it’s an illness that’s causing you to think this way, it’s not ‘you’

This, very much.

Also, remember that it’s an illness that comes and goes, but it’s often the case in the depths of a bout/relapse/slump, call it what you will, to feel like this is how you always feel. The thing is, that’s generally not the case; there’s generally more good days than bad days.

Depression lies to us

And this; when you’re having bad days the bastard condition won’t let you remember the good.

Did you call the Sammaritans Grum? I’ve been where you are, mentally speaking, a few times. Currently on anti-depressants and they are working to a degree. Have you tried other forms of exercise other than cycling? I found weight training helped, no idea why.

Please do speak to someone, anyone. Keep posting if it helps. Depression is a real bastard. It makes it difficult to find meaning in anything, but please keep fighting it.

All the best.

Another one here; although I feel I hit rock-bottom about 18 months ago when I went through a period of thinking a lot about suicide. The crazy thing about all this is that to an outsider I seem to lead a healthy happy stable life.

Samaritans – 116123 Do it.

If you don’t feel like talking, jo@samaritans.org, if you prefer SMS, email them and they will give you the number or text you back if you give them yours. Struggling here with anxiety and depression in the family and they have REALLY REALLY helped, they can for you too.

Im sorry to hear that Grum, ive never met you, but from our on line interactions you seem great!

coming back from travelling is always a huge come down, youll get your feet back under you soon enough, but defo get help asap
its incredibly scary how thin the line between feeling ‘normal’ and the black dog is.

theres plenty of people on here rooting for you!

Grum, where do you live mate?

everyone seems to think I lead this dream lifestyle – but honestly rarely a day goes by where I don’t think about killing myself. Unless I’m actually on an adventure I’m miserable as ****.

I am self employed as a photographer and I get to do some stuff for work that I guess some people would kill for (got paid to go photograph a festival in Avoriaz the other week). I’m struggling to enjoy any of it though.

Don’t feel bad about feeling bad, it can affect anyone in any situation. The disconnect between what you feel and what you think you *should* be feeling will only add to your feeling of low self worth.

got paid to go photograph a festival in Avoriaz the other week

I hate you.

JOKE!

As others have already said, talk, talk, talk. There’s nothing bad about feeling bad (I like that, Steve), and there will always be people who will listen.

As an aside, just looked at some of your photos. Joyous festival pics!

Grum, please mate, go and see your GP, they’ll help you access resources to get you to a better place. Don’t think that no one cares, there’s a whole community of mtb’ers who are willing you better and we’d be the ones who’d feel we’d failed if you take those pills. Pick up the phone, tell the receptionist you need to see someone today, just do it now!

Hang in there chap, Give the Samaritans a call. Please.

+1 for not alone… I’ve never been as low as this but I’ve found treatments mostly ineffective, mindfulness especially just frustrates me and makes me worse… And that in itself is a wee nasty vicious circle. But don’t give up on that route, there are other things to try, you might just not have found the right thing for you.

Also, this forum is ace isn’t it? Except when it’s not, so if I was you I’d get out of the hope-vacuum that is our political poison threads.

Having depression is just like having weather inside your head……some days you wake up and it’s all sunshine and fluffy clouds, more often it’s howling winds and hailstones.
The forecasts are wildly unreliable and you have as much chance of controlling it as you do with the real weather outside.

Once you accept that it’s not your fault, that you didn’t cause it and you can do very little but weather the storm until it passes, it becomes easier to deal with.

Metaphorically speaking, I spent a long time standing alone in a blizzard, wearing shorts and a t-shirt blaming myself for the lack of sunshine until I finally broke and had the courage to tell someone I was freezing to death.

It was at this point someone put their arm around me and suggested coming inside to get warm and not going back outside until I was wearing more appropriate mental clothing.

From experience of others and myself, depression seems to be spreading amongst the male population at the current time, no reason for it, but one thing is for sure us blokes bottle things up, were affraid to TALK, The fear we will un masculinise ourselves, we become weaker to others.

Load of shit, talk to someone, most will listen, 100% of us on here will listen , offer help and advice, some based on personal experiences.

The Samaraitians is a free number and service to help, ring them write stuff on here in private to our email addresses or in public.

But talk/vent/go for a ride,hug someone and ask for a hug back.

Nothing really to add, but if you ever fancy a weekend in the countryside in North Norfolk, mountain biking is rubbish, but we have great beaches, peace, quiet and a shed load of nice pubs mate and the doors open.. I think we’ve all had the horrible lows, but you have to start thinking about what is good in your life, you seem to have good job, friends, people think highly of you and to have been in a relationship for 18 years there must have been good bits, often new relationships happen when you are open to them, but not trying to force the issue. If you get yourself in a good place and start to appreciate the good things in life, then that’s when you’ll probably meet someone new.

Perchy that is very well put. I am fortunate in that I have never suffered from depression and find it hard to relate to people that do in so much as what they require from me from an understanding point of view. My better half has suffered from depression in the past and that analogy puts it into some kind of perspective.

My analogy would be that it’s like when most people think of an activity and don’t feel like doing it because they feel won’t enjoy it – but feeling like that about everything, literally everything, including your interests, all the time. This can make you want to hide away and do nothing which of course is the worst thing.

Go out and help an old dear in the supermarket or someone anywhere.
Make their lives just a little bit better.
That’s all the justification we need to be alive.
Keep talking.
Eventually you will come out the other side.

Another sufferer here, rooting for you. Most days of my life I’ve woken up and had to persuade myself to carry on putting one foot in front of the other. About 18 years ago things got too much and I had a major breakdown. This crisis point led me to deciding I had to do something about my joyless existence and over the next few years started to deal with the underlying issues one by one, very difficult to do but ultimately very worthwhile. Key to all of it was stepping outside of myself and my illness and deciding to take care of myself like you would a sick person. If I felt bad I would treat myself with whatever I could, or at least be kind to myself rather than blaming/hating myself. Also I was aware my troubles were anxiety based, so I set about unearthing all of my fears, including some fairly unpleasant childhood memories, and facing my fears. To do this I wrote them down so that they were outside myself. This strategy eventually paid off, I don’t know if it will work for you, mate but I urge you to be kind to yourself, look at your situation as objectively as you can and plan a strategy to overcome the darkness inside you. Lots of good advice above, just know there’s plenty of us who in varying measure suffering like you and wanting you to beat this. Best of luck, feel free to email me if you need to

Sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad. I’m not a bloke but I can empathise. I have just started lifting out of a horrible episode of depression that started in early December. I felt suicidal from early January until a couple of weeks ago. I posted on this forum a couple of months ago and it was very helpful, along with talking to my husband and going to my GP. I got support from secondary mental health services for 6 weeks and am on the waiting list for additional counselling. I had counselling last year which was great but I needed more sessions than the NHS were allowed to provide (resource issues).
Get yourself outside, see friends, talk to someone- even if you don’t feel like it.

keep your chin up dude, I hope all the advice & encouragement that everyone is sharing is helping.
Nick Knowles was on Breakfast TV this morning plugging a series starting on the BBC tomorrow – Mind Over Marathon. One thing that he said really stuck with me- “if your watching TV tomorrow night and choosing between a programme about mental health or the comedy on the other side go for the mental health programme as everyone will recognise something in themselves or in someone they know”

remember its an illness and not you.

I do appreciate the support. I keep seeing all this stuff about being kind to yourself and learning to love yourself and I honestly don’t understand how you’re supposed to do it. I genuinely hate myself and feel like I’m weak and pathetic and a burden on everyone. I read loddrik’s thread about finding the dead body and honestly that’s one of the main things that’s stopped me. I’ve tried to think in quite a a lot of detail what would be an ‘ethical’ way of doing it without upsetting/**** other people up who’d have to find me/clear up the mess.

I figured if I jumped off a big enough cliff somewhere climbing then at least my mum might think it was an accident not suicide and mountain rescue are trained to deal with stuff like that. Spend ages going through these kind of scenarios in my head.

Re Samaritans – not gonna happen. I just generally hate talking to people on the phone, have a bit of a phobia about it since someone threatened to find me and shoot me over the phone when I was about 14 (!).

I’m sure I was probably a pain in the arse to live with in some ways but I actually feel like I was probably in quite an abusive relationship really. I’m sure she’d be outraged at the suggestion but she was always criticizing me and putting me down and making me feel shit about myself. Guess after 18 years you start to believe it.

Sorry to hear about everyone else that’s suffering too.

Grum – really sorry to read this, and about your marriage too. Samaritans are defo worth a call, especially whenever you’re feeling unsafe. Couple of thoughts (I worked in mental health years back, and my other half is a psychotherapist specialising in counselling for depression). If you can, resist the temptation to write off talking therapies – you might have been unlucky – lots of poor practitioners out there as well as some excellent ones. Good psychotherapy should be the opposite of a sticking plaster – it could be the one thing that really gets to the bottom of what’s going on. Could take lots of sessions and some hard and emotionally upsetting work, but that’s the route I’d be taking in your shoes if I’m honest. It could well be life-changing for you. Might need to go private to get enough sessions (NHS provision being rather minimal owing to resources).

Also, personally I’d resist the temptation to use adventures as a distraction. It’s a natural thing to do, but it’s essentially escapism and probably won’t provide a sustainable solution. Long-term it could even make things worse. CBT could be worth a go, but it’s not the same as long-term counselling or psychotherapy. Give us a buzz sometime if you like, or drop in for a brew if you’re in town. You know where I am. In the meantime, go easy on yourself, talk to people you trust, and take care.