Hi, I'm just checking in. Really touched by the concern and by the stories here. Many many thanks to everyone who's made helpful posts here. It has been a big support in a very dark time.
I see the psychiatrist next week. I expect I'll be prescribed some meds.
Family life is getting back to normal. Daughter suddenly gave me a Twix and then ran off. She's a sullen teenager, but she knows I have a weakness for Twix. Her way of saying sorry for her part in the row. I was very touched.
Christmas party season is coming, and there's a big family birthday to be got through this weekend. But I have no interest in drinking. I can't trust myself to drink responsibly. I really don't want to be drunk and risk putting my loved ones through such a fuss again. Last weekend's episode was the most extreme, but not the first time I've kicked off like that. I hope it's the last.
Social events may feel strange, but I will take them as they come. I was worried about how I'd be perceived if I refused drinks. But I decided that I might as well be honest with people I'm close to and who I trust. And why care about the rest of them think?
Maybe one day I'll have another beer (mid-ride pint!) but I'll leave that for the future. No interest in it right now. Take each day as it comes.
I was at a concert on Monday night. Didn't really feel up to it, or that I deserved it. But went anyway as I'd been looking forward to it for ages, and may not get another chance to see them. There was a lot of beer being drunk there. I felt awkward standing there without a drink. Then I realised I'd feel awkward standing there with a drink. And then pretty soon I would be awkward. So I just stood at the back and enjoyed the show.
I'm trying to live in the present. Naval-gazing will just make me disappear up my own arse. But I've been getting insights like that one above. Sometimes scary, sometimes exciting. It's like something's changed inside my head.
The first time I was diagnosed with the depression, I was told I was dysthemic. This is an expensive way of saying I'm a "glass half empty" type. Fair enough. But I realise for a long, long time I've been angry about... well, almost everything. I normally repress it - I was raised "seen and not heard", stiff upper lip and all that - and then it all comes bursting out in a bad way. I'm very very frustrated about my job for example, but at least I have one. and it's something I can work towards changing. I know I have to learn to accept stuff I can't change, and change stuff that I can. I've ordered a couple of books about this.
Epic post, sorry. I'll shut up now and get ready for bed, I feel so tired all the time. I suspect there is a long hard road ahead of me, but I think I'm ready to start walking.
TL/DR: sober, sorry, stressed, starting treatment soon.