FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 – Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 – Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which
they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all
the answers.

Test 3 – Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 – Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang
out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 – Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door MPV.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 – Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 – Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9 – Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to land them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
Test 10 – TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 – Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor
& leave it there.

Test 12 – Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 – Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve
while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.

Test 14 – Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children.

Good luck and enjoy. 😀

NCT classes: nope, there were none available to us. But we did both go to a breast feeding class run by a local hospital which was excellent. Missus ended up meeting other mothers in hospital and at baby clinics so NCT classes are not the only way to make friends.

Don’t buy a baby monitor. You need a break without listening to every whimper.

Mmmmm.. each to their own we have a video one and as first time parents we find it very reassuring. Plus it meant we could easily tell when we needed to intervene before it escalates (i.e. blanket off, getting cold) and when we could leave well alone.

a sign above the door reading – abandon hope, all ye wh enter here will sum things up

All that jazz about how it completely chages your life, mate it doesnt even start to cover it!

how will it affect the biking – depends how understanding mummy is, and work on the principal that less will have to be more.

So all this wonderful advice and stuff, but where’s Bullheart himself, eh?

Probbly messing around with railway sleepers too much to give people any attention.

See what you’ve done?

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?

I’ve got three. It’s hard to remember what life was like before. But on the good days, it’s probably the most rewarding thing I’ve done.

Short term, less biking. Long term, more people to buy bikes for!

DSCN1621 by Matthewjb, on Flickr

2) Did the NCT classes help?

Never been. Listen to advice of friends and even STW. Then do what you feel comfortable with.

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

Don’t waste time on the internet. Just get some sleep while you can.

Also read this. It doesn’t have answers, but it does have reasonable advice in an approachable humorous way.

I should add, at some stage when the baby becomes capable of independent movement there will be a small accident. This is when you learn more about how to position the baby safely. It is VERY **** IMPORTANT that your wife, and definitely not you is caring for the baby at this point. She will be hysterical and you will get to keep your testicles 😉

2 boys here: 2.5 yrs and 6 months.

Watching them pop out is pretty special and made me cry the first time. Second time; been there and done it so just happy he came out looking as red and ugly as the first one. Overall they are ace and you’ll love them loads and worry about what their future brings and if they will be healthy etc.

Now for some truths:
**You will argue more than you have before – lack of sleep and a new responsibility do that.

**Sometimes you will resent the children for stopping you doing what you want to do – but looking back on it when they in bed you will think they are ace and the best things ever. Don’t beat yourself up if you feel like this it’s normal (I hope)

**They are pretty boring for the first few months and do little. Once they get to 4-5 months you can see their personality developing and then they start smiling and all is good.

**Women generally think they are ace, blokes (especially those with no kids) don’t and are not that bothered so try not to bore you mates with stories about how ace they are – your mates don’t really care.

**Babies are U.G.L.Y until they get to 6 months or so. This is even more true for baby girls – they look just like their dad’s. So if you meet people at NCT etc who have girls you’ll need to practice your lying or at least try not to recoil in shock the first time you see the baby girl.

**If you got to an NCT class in a posh area it will be mainly full of people who you are not interested in staying in contact with.

**You’re wife will get a bit mental and fixed on certain the things – she’ll need a certain pram and then realise in a few months that it was not really necessary. She will also be really worried about keeping things clean and not having second hand stuff etc. By 6/7 months the baby will be on the floor licking it and putting everything in sight in it’s mouth!

**Breastfeeding – yeah it’s the best but if you’re baby and wife are not getting on with it and the baby is loosing weight then tell her you are happy for the kid to have a bottle (if you are that is). This happened to us and my wife thought i would be annoyed if we gave him a bottle – baby lost weight and wife was very stressed and unhappy and we were getting no sleep. Started to feed both ways and it was all so much better

So all this wonderful advice and stuff, but where’s Bullheart himself, eh?

Trying to get a refund.

Your wife is going to need her sleep.

Take on the small hours feeds, changing, and comforting.

And never, ever, argue with a first time mum. They are the only people who know more than the big hitters on here…

Careful where you put the coin.

2 boys, nearly 5 and 3 and a half.

Got family nearby? Will make HUGE difference if they are the helping type.

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?

Felt? Indescribable. Bikes got very neglected. For the first time in half a decade all of my bikes work, and I’ve ridden all of them recently! it gets easier with time and experience

2) Did the NCT classes help?

Kind of, a few good ideas although 5 years on I can’t remember what they were.

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

Hahaha. Imagine you and your partner are alone at sea in a small boat in a hurricane. You tie yourselves to the mast and ride out the storm as best you can. No website will help. Other than on here of course.

I appreciate this may sound harsh. I am very tired. 🙂

actually…the one to watch out for is not the first time mum, but the first time mum in law…

…do not try to discuss anything relating child rearing…

Now for some truths:

Hmm, pretty much disagree with all of them. 😀

A lot of guff is spouted about having a baby, but there’s some great stuff up there ^

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?

Pre-birth – lots of DIY. Birth – lots of looking after Mrs Udder. Emergency C section for Mrs Udder after ~26 hours. Udderlet in ICU for three days, but luckily he was fine. Not so fine were all the other babies in ICU that he woke up by yelling at the top of his voice whenever he needed feeding – the boy has lungs like Miguel Indurain.
The bikes went in the shed for the first few months – I think I got a couple of short 45 minute rides in, but as you can imagine from the previous sentence, the nipper kept us very busy. At the time, it’s frustrating as hell, because a short ride really helps me get rid of a lot of stress really quickly, but sometimes you just have to suck it up instead.

2) Did the NCT classes help?

Yes, although the first few classes were pretty disappointing. Then we all got on as a group, with a couple of exceptions. It was very helpful for Mrs Udder, too, as it’s good to be able to share the same problems – believe me when I say stuff that’s a big deal in the first few months is replaced by other stuff that’s a big deal later – it’s a continual cycle. We were lucky enough to get a great NCT teacher whose first bit of advice (and it’s good) was: you’ll get a lot of advice, including stuff from me, that is not relevant to you in the slightest. It’s entirely up to you whether you take it or not.
Generally the classes were good mental prep with a fair chunk of practical thrown in. Certainly we didn’t come across any yoghurt knitting breastfeeding nazis, which is what some people seem to dismiss NCT as.
I’d say NCT is worth a punt – go along to an introductory one (they do an early pregnancy one for 15 quid from memory) and if it’s good, sign up for the whole course. We found it really useful for knowing what was happening during childbirth, but YMMV. The NHS ones are equally good/bad too, by the way.

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

No. As said above, it’s real life. plus interweb forums are full of gimboids of the third water, and going anywhere near pregnancy and childcare ones will drive you insane with worry. Ignore them. You really, really don’t need them.

The birth was truly amazing.

After 9 weeks I didn’t want to go home.

On week 10 I rediscovered my joy.

11 months in and it is so rewarding that although my riding time has suffered, I couldn’t care less!

Tips, for what it’s worth. (my own as we didn’t do NCT)

There is no such thing as the ‘Mystical’ or is that ‘Mythical’ routine for the first few weeks/months.

Be prepared to break all those rules you are making right now. But bear them in mind as the months fly by. (not plonking my kid in front of the box, no dummy’s, not in our bed, etc)

Buy nearly everything second hand as it will most likely be like new.

If someone offers to have your baby for 10mins or overnight, say yes please.

Tell your missus when she is doing stuff well and bear in mind that, that fantastic, logical wife may lose her marbles for a week or two.

Sleeps overrated.

Watch your friends with lovely well behaved kids and copy them.

Watch your friends with orrible little buggers and avoid doing what they do.

Hope this helps and good luck 🙂

Oh, as said above, take as much weight off your wife/girlfriend’s shoulders as you can. It all helps. I can fall asleep as required (probably a result of all the offshore sailing I did when younger) so did the night feeds as much as possible. I still do most of the getting up at night when the Udderlet wakes (not that often) and get a nice lie-in in return often enough for it to be a treat, but not so often that I take it for granted. Mostly, however, I do it because my wife on no sleep is like a bear with a sore head.

Shall we tell him about the meconium? 😉

Get a waterproof watch.
Use lots of Sudacreme (on the baby, not you).
Don’t expect the second baby to be easier than the first(it might be, but then it might not).
NCT round here is a bit poncy and high concept, the NHS ante-natal classes were more down to earth.
Don’t panic, babies are tough, the odd accidental fall off the sofa, or dip under the bath water won’t do them any harm.

Oh god, almost forgot the most important one: under no circumstances take any notice of The Contented Little Baby Book. I believe the author used to be a contented little Nazi.

Shall we tell him about the meconium?

Nah, let him make his own mind up about it’s taste… 🙂

So GrahamS you would rather see your baby starve and your wife get very depressed than give a baby a bottle?

I’d also be suspicious of someone who does not find an increase in arguments when deprived of sleep and given ‘advice’ by everyone you speak to………but maybe you’re the quite type who doesn’t like to argue (unlikely seeing as you post on here!)

Fair enough if your experiences are different – but I still think baby girls are ugly (you have girls don’t you?).

What I was trying to get across was that it’s not all rosy and a delightful experience – some of it is pretty stressful. But I think this is natural and in the end you’ll look back on it and be happy

it all came across just fine lucas, don’t listen to him anyways he bought a video monitor 😉 *

* joke mr S.

So GrahamS you would rather see your baby starve and your wife get very depressed than give a baby a bottle?

Nope. That was the bit I agreed with. 😀

The missus and I didn’t argue more. We were stretched, no doubt, and sex virtually stopped but we’ve been together a long time so we got through it okay (so far anyways, ours is 19 months).

Fair enough if your experiences are different – but I still think baby girls are ugly (you have girls don’t you?).

Our little girl was absolutely stunning from birth. But I’m biased. 😉

My firstborn is 11 months old – not ridden a bike much or been out on a weekend properly cos we have a lack of babysitters which is a bit of a bummer but it’s worth it

NCT is useful but don’t be afraid to call bs if you don’t agree – get registered early with the local surestart centre as they do free classes

mumsnet is way too hysterical for my taste, ask specific questions on here 🙂

bullheart – Member

“So all this wonderful advice and stuff, but where’s Bullheart himself, eh?”

Trying to get a refund.

😆 😆

For me Babies were crap. Toddlers were also pretty crap. Once they get to about 5 they are awesome. My 8 yo is my best little friend.

Ok that is a bit of an exaggeration but I the Boss and I have said Mummy is the light of their lives till the age of 5 or so. Then Dad becomes the coolest thing ever. I guess this ends about the age of 11/12. Not got there yet but am currently in the best bit for me.

Lots of good advice here, but can I add one thing that stopped me and the missus killing each other? You’ll both be going non-stop for the first 3 months or so, but after that agree that each of you separately will have a full night off baby duties once a week. This night is untouchable, and can be used for whatever you want* – so you might go cycling, she might want to go for a meal with girlfriends, you get the idea. And do go out just as a couple if you get the chance.

*What you’ll want to do is sleeeep. But make the effort to do something else – it’ll do you good to spend some time with people who aren’t dribbling, shouting, and pooing themselves, sometimes simultaneously**.

**You may want to avoid arguments on here for the same reason 😉

Being a Dad is the bestest thing ever. They will touch your heart in ways you never thought possible and stir emotions you never realised you had. Children are fantastic and they are for life. They can be hard work at times but the payback is more than worth it.

After what you’ve achieved, you’ll be a great Dad.

Trying to get a refund.

Did you not read the Terms and Conditions?

Idiot.

😐

oxytocin is a wonderful thing. without no child would survive 🙂

Get a trailer – keeps you fit (try riding your road route complete with all the usual uppy bits towing two little kids), I took up MTB’ing after the birth of my second one, as soon as they’re old enough show them as many Danny MacAskill vids as you can then go out and do a really rubbish bunny hop – he/she/it will love you no matter what.

For me Babies were crap. Toddlers were also pretty crap. Once they get to about 5 they are awesome. My 8 yo is my best little friend.

Ok that is a bit of an exaggeration but I the Boss and I have said Mummy is the light of their lives till the age of 5 or so. Then Dad becomes the coolest thing ever. I guess this ends about the age of 11/12. Not got there yet but am currently in the best bit for me.

Now dont go taking this the wrong way uphillcursing but that does come across rather like the problem for you is/was, how do I put it? Well, you – in fact seems its all about you.

Toddlers are brilliant, but it is all about them, not how cool they think you are.

mate dont be afraid of it imbrace what is going to happen mines now 3 and its been rough it patches due to mecical conditions and is never a shining rainbow.
BUT the good times will outway the bad as mentioned get a trailer/baby seat at 6 months it will ensure theye are away from the tv on the weekend mornings we were out all the time in summer and still do when the chance comes up.
the bike never got left alone i went out on sunday mornings and she went to the pub 1 night a week so all was happy
from age of 2 she was in gaurage with me asking what the tools are and watcing me work with the radio on now i cant get to the shed without her wanting to join me and work on her bikes yes she has 2 and yes they have been tinkerd with (even if shes using a screwdriver to undo a pedal/headset shes having fun) thats the main and most important thing.

sorry bit long winded but its best way i can explain, do not fear it this is what were here to do.

See, they’ve got it all wrong above….

HAving a child is all about.. REVENGE….

Dressing them up in stupid Spiderman outfits you mum made you wear.
Enforcing the rules about when they go to bed/get up.
Making them wear sill knitted jumpers their nan made
feeding them lemons just to see their face they pull
feeding them sprouts, my mum made me eat sprouts and cabbage, you can bet they won’t be getting away with it
throwing good snowballs at them, they need to toughen up and learn the hard ways of the world.
Finally getting to say “right, get to bed, you’re not having any tea, just get to bed…. NOW ”

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?

The birth of our first was frankly alarming. The hospital really didn’t cover themselves in glory, but then there was a scare when we were told that there was 5 mins to get the baby out or it was going to be an emergency caesarian. So, relief would be the main emotion when No 1 child emergedI coped astonishingly badly. I’m fine with kids but terrible with babies, and I generally had a year of despair. Hardly any sleep, struggled to cope with the change in the relationship, pressures at work……not great.

I didn’t ride MTBs at the time, but my motorbikes each did about 200 miles that first year.

2) Did the NCT classes help?

No. Not even a little bit – unless they’ve changed, they were all about the point leading up to the birth, with very little focus on the practicalities of dealing with a kid who’s ill and constantly crying, or how to cope when you’re both perpetually knackered.

It’s a bit like preparing for a marriage by concentrating solely on the wedding – a necessary precursor, but nowhere near the whole story

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

No idea. Here’s probably at least as good as any – just fire away and we’ll answer.

Advice I’d give – do your share (at least) of the rotten stuff, like taking days off when your kid’s ill and can’t go to the childminder (happens quite a lot), changing nappies, cleaning the house, doing the shopping. Listen to your wife when she tells you she’d had a terrible day at home (assuming she’ll be home with BabyBull for the first few months), because I’m assured there’s nothing more miserable than being stuck at home in the middle of winter with nothing but a crying child for company.

Taking weekends off to do bike races? Forget it for a while.

1. Avoid mumsnet. Do not let your missus near it either.
2. You will bicker over the smallest things due to lack of sleep. Accept this now and understand at times you may think ‘our relationships gone, its gone downhill etc’. Some men walk out on a new mother rather than being a partner.
Your missus may have some wild hormonal anger etc- mine called the Police. Twice (once when I refused to let the dog back in and the other time when I was on a ride the dog disappeared). Yes hormones. Nice.
3. Go out now, both of you. Even if your partner feels tired etc- go see friends, go out for meals etc etc etc etc. Make the most of it and have a fantastic Christmas.

Enjoy 🙂

My better half (39) and I (43) knew nothing about kids when she announced she was pregnant, due March this year. We’d not grown up around any and not taken much of part in the kids lives of our friends….

We did 6 NCT classes. At first, we thought they were a waste – but actually, on reflection they were excellent. Prepared us for the emergency C section (we knew what was happening) – but mostly (and this sounds well corny), post birth, my better half had 5 other mothers all going through the same thing at the same time (ish). Really good support network. The classes were worth it just for that.

We were lucky – the 5 other couples on our course were all normal.

We didn’t do the state run courses as friends had been and told us that they were generally full of younger parents, some who didn’t want to be there and made it obvious.

EDIT – they do not prepare you for anything from birth onwards in my opinion…..!

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?
Fantastic elation at the birth.
You just get on with it and don’t really have time to do anything else to start with.
The bike got me to work and got properly used some months later. A lot depends on whether you have an easy baby or one that is a F R I K I N N I G H T M A R E that never sleeps, has colic etc….

2) Did the NCT classes help?
Some basics to begin with never hurts but practise makes perfect.

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?
You are already on it. Read the sage like wisdom above and soak up all the Pops experience like a sponge.

Life will never be the same but it will be better.

(Sometimes as Mr T struggles with hair bobbles and not those shoes Daddy on the school run, but its by bike so we’ll have fun)

Every baby is different, every parent is different so dont be worried about doing the right or wrong thing.

However, routine is your friend, babies like it and it will make your lives easier. However babies too are cunning little buggers and will manipulate you with out you even realising it 🙂

You will never sleep again like you have done in the past.

As above in the first few weeks you will be that knackered you wont want to go out on the bike, and will have that much going on that you wont have the time.

Also – Try and create time for yourself and Mrs Bullheart. With so much going on its easy for your own relationship to go by the wayside. Further to that try and create time for both of you to do your own thing independantly you will want a break from looking after baby every so often.

We didn’t do the state run courses as friends had been and told us that they were generally full of younger parents, some who didn’t want to be there and made it obvious.

Mrshora went to those and the local NCT ones were booked solid for almost 6months ahead.

There were 15/16yr old girls there and all of them had issues just articulating speech let alone being a bloody mother.