So its that time of year again. Out on mine tonight with work and another with peeps from the police all day next Saturday.

Always good for a bit of a giggle and rule of thumb is there always generally at least one hero.

So who’s out? who’s not?
Lets have some amusing and toe cringing stories from you all. The last few years threads of this nature have always been a giggle.

Yokaiser to the forum! He was the hero at his work doo two weeks ago….

Once on a works do that was fancy dress on a medievil theme one lad who is a bit of a player turned up as woman. He proceeded to get off with 2 women. One was married with 2 kids and she was seen in front of the whole department riding him like a horse on the dance floor, legs wrapped around his waist waving her arm in the air like at a rodeo. This is girl who up until that point was thought of as very reserved. It was widely gossiped about on the monday that he was seen penetrating her over a car bonnet later on. 😕 then he was boasting on the monday that he had received a bj off another lass. filthy mucker.

“Penetrating her” 😯
We don’t have a work do but me, my wife’s sister and bro in law gatecrash mrs wrightysons one! It’s next Sunday. night Loads of different companies there from the retail sector so once we’ve left the dinner table we can act as inappropriately as we see fit 😀

medievil theme

Really naughty doctors?

A friend of mine went on a works do on a pleasure boat on the Thames. He was dissilusioned with his job at the time, got drunk, ate sticky ribs from the buffet, wiped his hands on his bosses shirt, and then fell down the metal stairs from the top deck and smashed his face open. They had to dock the boat and call an ambulance. Ruined the night for everyone and he got the flick the following week.

Mine is tonight.

I always end up rubbing my bosses (a Director) head. “It feels like a fluffy tennis ball!” (is my apparent excuse at the time).

Two memorable ones for me.

Free bar induced I think and maybe some narcotics. A guy started getting a bit agitated and confrontational and was given a stern talking to by one of the directors. The ticking off involved some finger pointing by said director. Bad move as the pointing finger ended up between the teeth of the lary one! He was fired the following week.

Another one from 1988. Quite a senior chap from the R&D lab’s who wasn’t a seasoned drinker got well pissed on the gratis plonk. By 9pm he was buck naked and dancing in the middle of a dining table spinning his nob like a nipple tassel. It was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.

Off to my ex works unofficial do tonight. I’m hoping to witness a “floor show” and perhaps a punch up.

It won’t happen. I’ll have two bottles of Becks Blue and drive home by 9:30pm
😐

officialtob – Member
I always end up rubbing my bosses (a Director) head.

is this like brown nosing?

another time a drunk who was a bit of idiot had a go at one of the managers who is also homesexual, telling him that if he ever came near any of his kids he would effing kill him. This manager a was great guy and had one partner in all the time I’ve known him, he did nothing to warrant the outburst. The chap was later micro managed out of the job, good riddance too coz his breath stank like manky teeth.

The chap was later micro managed out of the job

should have been sacked on the spot

I don’t go to mine. This is because my (female) boss oscillates wildly between organising games of ****/marry/kill and talking about her sex life and having sexual harassment pogroms directed against her male employees. I cannot confidently navigate this at any time, but a free bar makes it potentially very troublesome.

I called Jack Rowell (Ex England Rugby coach) a “Pink shirted bas***d” at one of our Christmas do’s.

I didn’t get punched or lose my job.

Ours starts in a couple of hours. Getting a hog roast in and a couple of kegs of beer. Should be good craic and hopefully without any punch ups or sexual harassment charges.

There’s the obvious snogging / drunken fumbling with someone you shouldn’t but there’s 2 events that stick in my mind. The first was a boss of the shop I worked in got so trolleyed we had to restrain him from taking his trousers down to have a dump on the pavement while we were queuing to get into a night club. Funnily enough he didn’t get in and wasn’t easy to find a taxi to pour him into to take him home. The second was when a mate and I decorated the head of a random passed out drunk bald person. Unfortunately we used my girlfriends tattoo lipstick as we were playing noughts and crosses. We weren’t invited the following year.

Ours starts in a couple of hours. Getting a hog roast in and a couple of kegs of beer.

Judging by jekkyl’s doo you’re supposed to finish with the spit roast, not start with it.

Oooh…Oooh…Oooh!!!

Just had a flashback!

I used to work in a supermarket when I was a student and the Christmas do was always a bit of a lively affair.

A few months later a couple of us battle hardened casual staff were telling the fresh recruits what was what, and the topic of the indiscretions of the previous Christmas cropped up… “And, at the last Christmas do <Deputy Manager’s name> shagged <female member of staff’s name> behind the bins. Tha dorty bastids!”.

Then a little trembly voice piped up “That’s my mum.”

Think of your children and don’t get yourself back scuttled over a bin this Christmas.

harry the spider wins!

Used to work at a large law firm and the old guy who delivered by-hand mail etc got leathered at the xmas do in a very large, posh hotel.

During the course of the night:

Slapped one of the secretaries

Insulted another so aggressively that she went home crying

got the office junior smashed on red-wine until he inevitably puked everywhere, on himself, and some others- his mum had to come and fetch him

then as a finale went up to the MD of the entire firm and said ‘you’re a ****. the biggest **** of them all’

All relatively entertaining and scandalous but the best part of it was he came to work on the following Monday completely unaware of what he had done. He even started giving it large about how everyone else was ‘boring’ and nobody else was even drunk, we were all dull etc.

He didn’t even believe us at first when we updated him with his antics but soon got the picture when the MD called him into his office to explain himself. Amazingly he didn’t get sacked but he did have to spend the entire day apologising to everyone including the office junior’s mum.

I nailed 3 e’s that night without anybody suspecting, though in fairness the old fella’s antics probably eclipsed everyone elses

one of my previous employers held a christmas do at a stately hotel. it was a very grand place and the room we had booked had a massive now ornamental fireplace. one of my managers who’d had too much to drink decided to act upon a another female colleagues comment that it felt a bit nippy in the room. he then went over to the fireplace and proceeded to make a fire. he got a pretty good one going, but before long there was masses of black smoke billowing about in the room….the flue for the fireplace had been sealed years ago it was now there for decorative reasons. cue the building being completely evacuated by the fire services and said manager standing out in the car park looking very sheepish, getting a torrent of abuse from everyone else!!

another time a group of us ended up in a club after the party to carry on when one of the lads decided it he could jump from the top of some steel steps and land at the bottom…there were at least 30 steps. we stood back and watched him take the leap and he nearly did it…he actually landed on the bottom step but it had snowed a bit that day and he slipped falling backwards, splitting his head nearly in 2. another colleague went to visit him in hospital to see how he was. he’d been given a private room and had used it to his advantage as he was busted with a rather attractive nurse straddling him on the bed….

hm. food fight in works canteen. we weren’t asked back (we rented office space, it wasn’t our office exactly; service was very very slow..) but inexcusable really.

I think possibly the same night – once we’d retired to the Grassmarket — one lad, who had had a few too many, talking away in The Beehive (I think) – swayed a little bit, pint in hand, then just keeled over backwards as flat as you like, out cold, had to be taken home. Another lad, mate of mine, went home, thought “mm, baked beans”, awoke some time later to a flat full of smoke, a melted sauce pan, and an incipient cooker fire. oops.

Ours next Friday. Given that we’re off out in Manchester again and a few months ago that ended with my colleague wandering around Piccadilly, hammered, with Burger King mayo smothered all over his face trying to find a bin (and ending up posting it into a ticket machine whilst someone was trying to buy a ticket), I’m hoping for a good one!

another colleague went to visit him in hospital to see how he was. he’d been given a private room and had used it to his advantage as he was busted with a rather attractive nurse straddling him on the bed….

Are you speaking the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god?

think we’ve slipped into **** fantasy land

When I arrived at this company 4 years ago they didn’t have a staff do, so I set about organising one. We play stupid games and then head out, sooooo Rock n Roll, anyway as I am the boss I make a point of leaving by 10.30 before anyone mentions that:
-they think I’m a dick
-they love me
-insist I should go to the night club
-or all of the above.
Did get pelters last year as I organised a City centre treasure hunt to find the venue and it started to snow…cue lots of girls with inappropriate shoes, wet feet and bad tempers – left at 10 o’clock that year.

My department (building control) had a joint do with the planners last year, I was in a complicated relationship situation at the time, not entirely level headed, got hammered in wine bar/club, told a junior planner he looked like Paolo Nutini (he’s the spit of him). Then proceeded to grind up on most of my female colleagues (which most of them, being 30 – 40 and thoroughly bored with life loved), and to cap it off had a dance off with a senior planner in full view of the whole place, which I won, due to my rather explicit repertoire.

Will be taming it down a notch or 2 this year…….

It probably has some basis in fact but has maybe been embellished. Now, when you say attractive nurse…..

PMSL @ Harry_the_Spider

Every Xmas function I’ve ever been to has been a shit mass catered dinner, a couple of glasses of cheap plonk and the dullest conversation ever with “Clive/ Anita from accts payable” about something fascinating such as the roundabouts of Wales or hamster breeding.

Clearly I’m in the wrong job

I spent the best part of 10 years in law firms. There aren’t many things that didn’t happen at the Christmas parties. One lasting recollection is the proposition of “I’ll drain you dry” from one secretary and I think that was the same night another secretary revealed some of her less sordid fantasies*, including “I want a squirrel to lick my [fanjo].”

Where I am now is a bit more of a mixed crowd. Generally less raucous. Except for the secretary who already had a bit of a rep before. I believe the evening culminated in her hunting down her last victim into the gents…. She didn’t return to work the following Monday.

*Looked like unassuming middle aged lady. Apparently had a “playroom” at home….

Ex drinking mate challenged the MD to a game of pool;
MD had just to pot the black to win and was lining up the shot.
Paul drops his kecks, places his scrotum in the pocket and shouts out ‘How’s that for a snooker?’

Ours is Friday the 20th and always ends up in some dramas. I’m planning on getting totally silly drunk. 2 years ago 5 of us ended up in a lap dance/strip club at around 2am. Was not spoke about at work at all…

Last year resulted in 1 guy who likes a drink anyway, never mind when it’s free, being rushed to hospital and 2 weeks off work for splitting his head open on a curb after falling over.

Funniest moment? Waitress asks a bloke what ice cream he’d like and from across the table our dispatch guy shouted as loud as possible “He likes egg!!”. We generally eat in fairly posh nosh places so that made it even more hilarious.

This year should be good…

Normally, it seems the whole of North Wales have their Christmas do’s on mad Friday (the last Friday before Christmas).
After 9 pm very town/village becomes a warzone due to the various drunken farmers/office workers/construction workers/whatever.
Unless you’re in that mood it’s probably best to stay in that night

I remember one year (a long time ago) at a previous employer my love life was somewhat complicated outside of work, and my boss had a tenner on me and a female colleague who I got along well with “getting it on” at the party. Said boss was staying at the hotel that night so after a while I asked to borrow his room key as it looked like he was going to win his bet. My female friend and I trashed his room and then sat around chatting waiting for him to burst through the door and try and catch us in flagrante. He seemed more concerned that he hadn’t won the bet rather than the damage we’d done to his room.

In the course of which the lady in question told me that if I could only straighten out my love life and end up single then she really rather fancied me. One of lifes Great Missed Opportunities, though I’m married to one of the other women from that time.

The year after me and the same female friend had been put in charge of the office camera to capture the Xmas party for the company magazine. When we ran out of camera film we popped to the newly opened 24hr Tesco to get some more. I was slightly mortified that when the camera film went down the conveyor belt at the till it was followed by a packet of condoms. “I can’t believe that you forgot the camera film and the condoms” she said as the smirking middle aged lady on the till swiped them through….

The party I really wanted to go to was a mate’s IT department do last year. His group of nerds ended up in bar chatting to a group of stunning young ladies who turned out to be a group of dancers from one of the city’s “Gentlemans Clubs” on their Xmas night out. It helped that one of my mates team is a part time male model, so only a part time nerd

One year my employer decided that it would be a good idea to have STELLA as the free booze on the tables 😯

As usually happened, the free booze that wasn’t consumed at the table was hoarded to the dance floor and jealously guarded, by dancing in groups around the hoard. Of course loads got kicked over and a fair few bottles were broken.

At this point it became obvious that one girl who worked in one of the departments close to mine had an issue with two other girls (they had been bullying her for some time). Anyway the victim of the bullying finally snaps, takes a swing at one of the others, but misses and clocks a very nice lady who happened to be one of their managers. In doing so, she also slips and ends up in a pile of broken glass and spilt Stella. She was last seen being carried by two of her male colleagues (one under each arm). They put her to bed and she woke up with one bitch of a hangover. Made worse by the fact that she got the old ‘tin tack’ on the Monday morning that followed.

Not an edifying spectacle, but a bit of a ‘stand out’ incident to me.

Our most memorable was “full page spread in the manchester evening news” kind of bad.
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

My works Christmas events have always been lovely meal out, a few drinks, some laughter and conversation.
I think I will keep on with that, rather than the events described by some of you.

Did bregante play for Man Utd at some point…..?

My works Christmas events have always been lovely meal out, a few drinks, some laughter and conversation.
I think I will keep on with that, rather than the events described by some of you.

I think lots if people have experienced this but thought it probably not worth mentioning these occasions, given the title of the thread