Second log, please dont deleate.

Partner and me have been going through a rough patch for a good while now, it started from making fairly big decisions without talking to me. Also her over exageration (lieing) in any social setting also something i struggle with.
This led to me being a bit withdrawn and grumpy which she is taking as the relationship has broken down and needs to end.
We’ve talked abd discussed splitting up, she told me yesterday then went away with friends leaving me alone to brood on my own all day. We’ve talked again i’ve said what i feel has been the problem and she has said similar to me. Being grumpy, never socialising together.

I dont want us to split (i do love her) but feel she her heart is not into moving forward together.

We have agreed to go to relationship counciling and see how that goes.

I’m a bit scared to be alone again to be honest i’ve no friends & sitting in a house wont be good for me.

We’ve been together over 10yrs, have a son and a few rental houses though we have a written agreement on investment in each) so it cant be a quick easy split.

TL.DR: when is it time just move on?

Do you both want to save the relationship? Not “can it” be saved but do you want to. If so counselling is the next step. If not then break up now.

My vote is for if you’re not row-ing to the point where it’s damaging the lad stay together until you think the lad is ready to cope well with it. (First year of Uni?)

making fairly big decisions without talking to me.

Yes, frustrating, why do they do that? Presumably because they know it’s a bad decision.

Louise?

Sumoname, Youtube MGTOW, you will get Much more help from that than you would on here.

Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW /ˈmɪɡtaʊ/) is an anti-feminist, mostly online community advocating for men to separate themselves from a society which they see as harmful to men, and particularly to eschew marriage and cohabitation.

I’d agree, but once kids are involved it’s not that simple.

just trying to help him see a bigger picture, he asked for help and that will give him help, up to him what he does with the knowledge

Kids can suffer more at uni age as “home” is gone and they are not there helping to make the new one whichever it is.
Basically the younger they are the better they cope.

just trying to help him see a bigger picture, he asked for help and that will give him help, up to him what he does with the knowledge

Yup, wasn’t dissing your (perfectly valid) post, just adding my own comment.

Kids can suffer more at uni age as “home” is gone and they are not there helping to make the new one whichever it is.
Basically the younger they are the better they cope.

I accept young kids are resiliant. I’m less convinced that mummy/daddy ****ing off is anything other than very bad for them and less bad once they’ve left home.

…but I had that covered by:

until you think the lad is ready to cope well with it

If that’s now, great, the OP has no problem, **** off now and live a life of jet skiing, partying, biking and tinder. Everyone’s a winner.

Being grumpy, never socialising together.

I know this may seem flippant. It isn’t. Its a daft piss-take article, but there’s a lot of truth in it:

Secret of successful relationship is getting pissed together

I’d be very worried if me or Mrs Binners didn’t fancy socialising together. Surely that’s a major part of being in a relationship? Wanting to do stuff together?

If neither of you want to do that, then I’d knock it on the head and move on, to be honest. For everyone’s benefit

all the above EXCEPT Tinder, he doesn’t want to come out of a frying pan into a fire does he, Lol

I’d be very worried if me or Mrs Binners didn’t fancy socialising together. Surely that’s a major part of being in a relationship? Wanting to do stuff together?

Nail on the head for me, obviously Mrs swavis and not Mrs Binners though 😉

stay together until you think the lad is ready to cope well with it. (First year of Uni?)

One of my mates parents split up literally the day after he went to university. His opinion on it:

“I wish they’d have done it ten ****ing years ago, instead of me having to put up with sharing a house with two people who ****ing hated each other”

A living hell for everyone involved. Nobody will thank you for that

Similar thing happened with my parents, it got worse when i went to uni approx 10 years ago.
Mother finally moved out last year. It was awkward for everyone in the house and not a very pleasent atmosphere. Its a strange thing growing up like that especially when you know others families seem to just get along ( missuses family are all very nice to each other etc).
Now things are alot better and they are talking like friends rather than enemies. Im not sure how old your son is but they will notice eventually that things arn’t right and could make things worse for them.
Just my 2 cents, families are weird yet can be wonderful. I hope it works out.

**** off now and live a life of jet skiing, partying, biking and tinder. Everyone’s a winner.

I’m sure that this is a facetious comment, but speaking as a dad who moved out from the family home when the kids were 3 and 4, I’m afraid to report that working hard enough to sustain a home large enough to have the boys there, then taking on my share (50%) of the parenting did not leave much time for jet skiing and partying, and as soon as you are honest about having a kid, your Tinder success rate will take a nose dive too. It ain’t a bed of roses if you actually take responsibility for the stuff that you should, is all I’m saying.

Was still the best decision I ever made though. My relationship with my lads is more healthy and happy than it ever could have been, and I’ve entered a new relationship now (with my eyes open) with a woman who is incredible and my equal or better in every way, yet for some reason seems to quite like me.

I always find the debate on what age is best age for kids to survive a separation an odd one. I think it’s the quality of the relationships after between all parties that matters more. From personal experience if I thought that say staving of separation for a few years until the kids were the ‘ideal’ had been a plan, I could only have seen this being the worst course of action for all parties.

In respose to all the “better of apart” comments obvs I’m not for one second suggesting staying together if that’s not the best thing for the kid in this case. I just get the feeling this relationship is more of a ‘spark has gone’ situation rather than “atmosphere damaging the kid” scenario.

So I’m just saying IMHO doing what’s right for the kid(s) should (IMHO) be the priority. (…and that’s just my opinion, other views are equally valid.)

….but it does raise the interesting question of “What if you make your kid’s life miserable for some other reason?”. What if you have chronic depression and you’re wrecking the atmosphere at home for your kids such they they’d be actually better off if you left? Are you obliged to leave then?

I’m sure that this is a facetious comment, but speaking as a dad who moved out from the family home when the kids were 3 and 4, I’m afraid to report that working hard enough to sustain a home large enough to have the boys there, then taking on my share (50%) of the parenting did not leave much time for jet skiing and partying, and as soon as you are honest about having a kid, your Tinder success rate will take a nose dive too. It ain’t a bed of roses if you actually take responsibility for the stuff that you should, is all I’m saying.

Ok, but then you say this.

Was still the best decision I ever made though. My relationship with my lads is more healthy and happy than it ever could have been, and I’ve entered a new relationship now (with my eyes open) with a woman who is incredible and my equal or better in every way, yet for some reason seems to quite like me.

So you *are* having more fun than when you were with your ex, it’s just yuor idea of fun isn’t jet skiing and partying, it’s being in a new relationship.

Re. the kids, and I openly say this as a non-parent but having seen it in my siblings who do; kids need to grow up in an atmosphere of love. If the love has gone between the parents they’ll sense it and suffer from it, rows or no rows. As someone on here once said (it may have been Binners, apologies if not) “they’re much growing up in two happy homes, than one unhappy one”.

OP, I can’t offer advice but I do offer my sympathy. I hope that you can work through it.

To the others, please forgive me for speaking out of turn. “MGTOW” are more than anti-feminist, they are a right wing extremist group which advocates social separation between white men and everyone else (except for prostitutes).
I’ve nothing against those opinions, I’d be quite happy for you to disappear into your man cave and to not see you out on the trails. I don’t think this is the thread to be having this discussion and it seems that you are praying on the vulnerable in the knowledge that any challenge will derail the thread, this is known as grooming and can be likened to the techniques used by the ISIS.
However I felt the need to say something as I find it quite intimidating to think that I could meet some of these attitudes out on the trails, and that they would go unchallenged.

Sumoname, Youtube MGTOW, you will get Much more help from that than you would on here.

Literally the worst advice.

Thanks the replies… an update.

She went to walk the dog were looking after to “sort her head out” and sure enough decision made we’re seperating… Gutted!

So now i’m going to have to find somewhere to live thats close enough, i’d like son to be able to walk round when he wants. But not too close.
Mortgages are a bitch to sort out when money is tied up all over the place.

Am very down, mate is away and cant come round till monday so ended up going to work (got this week off sick note) to talk to someone. Cried all the way home and now trying to work out where to live and not feel used.

As for the socalising comments, we did love going out together but something changed wether it was her being more BS/ show off/ centre of attention or me being kill joy grumpy guts couldn’t say. Its too late now anyway.

Been advised to look at counciling referral from doctors, can you do that? It hard keeping it together.
I need to not sit on my own all the time (i recognise that at least) and habe seen some meet up groups, not dating!, just talking s##t to people might help.

I’ll probably keep updating this, even no one reads it just writing down helps.

Another child of divorce over here; parents split when i was 11-12, father continued to live abroad (and distant in every other way, until recently) so i was predominantly raised by my mother. It affects kids no matter what age they but IMO the younger the better, they adapt better. At uni, I always knew where ‘home’ was and never had any uncertainty because it had been there for a number of years. A few of my mates have acted out much more detrimentally to parents splitting during uni…. I do see my mates parents who are now 50-65 and still in love and get jealous of the loving/complete households they grew up in.
Advice from a 28 year old; peel back your relationship and start again. Go on dates and pretend you just started dating again, try to impress her and visa versa, give yourselves the opportunity to fall in love again and to have fun. Now doubt you are very different people to when you first met, and a ‘fresh-start’ could go a long way to rejuvenating things.

*EDIT: just saw your reply and feel a bit like a t!t. Ill leave my advice as it could you in the future or to anyone reading the thread*

Where are you fella? There’s plenty folks here who will provide you with a pint, a shoulder and an ear. Some have been through similar themselves.

I’m one, FWIW, in Cirencester. PM me if you need to.

Stay strong sumo. Your lad will need you to.

Really sorry to hear that. Even when it takes on a certain air of inevitability, its tough when it happens.

Its hard, but you need to try and think long term. IHN quoted me above…. Ultimately it’s a lot better for kids to have two happy homes than one unhappy one. What they need is to feel secure and know that they are loved and supported. And theres more than one way of doing that. This doesn’t mean you love them any less.

Whereabouts are you? I’m always happy to talk. I’ve been where you are now. Its a few years down the line now and life is absolutely bloody brilliant! The journey to get here wasn’t the easiest but please try and think longer term. It gets easier

If you want to PM me I’m happy to chat about it. And please keep updating this. This place is great for support

Good luck

Sorry to hear that you are going to split, but if she is the one that wants it why are you the one that needs to move?

I think it’s the quality of the relationships after between all parties that matters more.

This +1000 I split from my ex when our three boys were all under 7 but we both agreed that their needs came first and the boys have never had to worry about mum & dad being at the same social functions or playing one against the other.

Good luck, hope it works out well for all three of you, I’m sure it will.

I’m a bit scared to be alone again to be honest i’ve no friends & sitting in a house wont be good for me.

It sounds like you’re in a similar situation to the one I was in 2 and a bit years ago, and a bit depressed (understandably due to the circumstances).

Try the counselling, but be open to moving on (it sounds like you’re coming to terms with this). Even if you end up living in a bedsit with your kid there half the time, that still leaves time for 3.5 women of tinder a week 😉

And from my experience, even if you feel like that, a lot of people come out of the woodwork. If they don’t, then get out riding and find people that way.

If she wants the split then she moves out surely?

Edit – is she working? ?That alters things a bit in my book

Sumoname, Youtube MGTOW, you will get Much more help from that than you would on here.

Sounds like harmful, misogynistic bollocks to me. I reckon you’ll get far better advice right here on STW.

From my own experience, parents getting a divorce/separating when child is at university is very disruptive.

It happened to me, where my parents had an emotional but amicable divorce.  I pretty much had a breakdown in my first term – where I felt completely destabilised and alone.

Living away from home and the support and reassurance that parents can give, meant I felt adrift and extremely isolated. It added a new and negative dimension to the ‘freedom’ of leaving home.  Freedom can feel a lot like loneliness if the circumstances are wrong.

Take home message so far is if you’re a right wing misogynistic t*** then please direct yourself to MGTOW where you’ll find all sorts of like minded bellends.

I also just saw your update.

The same applies. You’ll feel a bit lost, it’s a big change, but I’d like to understand a couple of things – why are you looking for somewhere else? Don’t do this whilst still on the mortgage unless you’re absolutely sure you’ll sort things out amicably, and even then prepare to see her change. Does she pay the full mortgage? Is she happy to buy you out? Your circumstances may be different from mine but if I did this it’d leave me up shit creek without a paddle.

Get out for a bike ride or two, clear your head. Sounds like you’ve had a rough time. You’ll get through all the administrative crap one bit at a time.

just trying to help him see a bigger picture, he asked for help and that will give him help,

How is telling someone that only one picture (you point them at a deeply biased, misogynistic/masculist internet-cult) is a ‘bigger picture’ than OP would get from reading a cross-section of support on here?

ie

Much more help from that than you would on here.

Doesn’t make sense as you‘re basically saying look at a smaller picture

Sorry to hear your news OP.

However, it sounds like she has been involved with someone else and has been planning this for a while. You don’t make a decision like this while walking the dog.

Don’t move out, that is the biggest mistake you can do, unless your are not bothered about the financial matters of the divorce.

There is no one else involved, things are complicated with finances as we have some rentals though we do have a written agreement about who gets what from the sale. I’d perfer not to move but it’s whats best for the kid that matters.

We get a chance to talk properly tomorrow when he is at a birthday party.

Can’t think about it at the moment, trying to understand where it’s gone so wrong i honestly thought we would be together for ever (and never apart?).
Thanks for the offers of beers/ chat i may have take someone up on that.

Am near mansfield in notts.

 I’d perfer not to move but it’s whats best for the kid that matters.

Beware of rolling over under the what’s best banner.  The house is just a small part of the picture.  It may even be better that you sell up and both find new places than end up in an unbalanced situation

Been through it as child rather than parent. Experience here seems worth adding to mix.  It is a fight so better to stand up sooner than later

Good luck

So you *are* having more fun than when you were with your ex, it’s just yuor idea of fun isn’t jet skiing and partying, it’s being in a new relationship.

Actually, the main plus of being out of the previous relationship is having a decent, healthy relationship with my boys, which was proving impossible within it.

The fact that I am now in a far healthier relationship is an unexpected bonus.

My point is, if you have small children that you should be taking responsibility for, a playboy lifestyle probably isn’t realistic.

Too many* men walk away from relationships and use it as an excuse to walk away from their parental responsibilities as well. And then whinge when they are made to pay maintenance.

And as for ‘MGTOW’; Just wow. Any bloke that thinks that’s a reasonable worldview needs to take a serious look at themselves.

Would also like to second (third?) the ‘don’t assume that you moving out would be best’ advice. It’s outdated and sexist. You are an equal partner in regards to parental responsibility.

*Obviously loads don’t, too, but it definitely happens.

Can we keep the MGTOW discussion to another thread please fellas.

My parents split when I was young. To not be living in a house with a horrible atmosphere was a relief

Kids pick up on bad stuff. Make it a happy home even if that means parting.