A bit of a low today, house feels uncomfortable and last night found my valentines present for her on my bed side set of draws.
Son in a grump “cause Dad’s only got three weeks till he has to move out”.

I really nedd to get my arse in gear with work as well, got through a quality audit last week (somehow) but need to catch up on other stuff.

Ridings a prob at the min, there’s no where to put a muddy bike, thats been an issue with this house. Hopefully in a few weeks will have a garage to chuck them in.

Seriously don’t worry about dating in your 40s/50s. If you can string a sentence together and iron a shirt you will be fine.

I was with my wife for 20 years and it was a real shock when she left. Lovely person and I was totally gutted to lose her. You worry about everything, but it passes. I have to be honest it took a long time for me to feel better but I do. I have a great life now, I have done lots of things I would not have done had I still be married. Is it better, I am not sure. I prefer to think of it as just different.

I felt really down, but I think we need to be careful to conflate that with mental illness. You are down because something bad has happened, that’t a normal reaction. It will pass.

Its hard I know but I think the biggest mistake I made with my ex was not being the person she loved. I fell apart and that was so not like me its unbelievable. I wish I had been able to at least give the impression I was not a mess and be the person she knew 🙂

@bazzer what you have written is exactly what I experienced and your outlook on it now exactly what mine is.

Yeah i think the dating worry was more a reaction to the split and wondering how to cope without company.
Before the split i was down, withdrawn and fell out of regular exercise and riding that i normally did. Docs said signs if depression and it explained a bit.
Am look forward to own place and trying not to be bitter and angry about the situation and outcome (who has come out if it better) it wont help anyone.

Been on bit of a relationship wobbler at the moment, no kids which makes it less complicated but no easier. Made extra effort to eat well and get out on the bike or running and avoided all alcohol for a while to avoid getting on a downer. Get up one more time than your knocked down and life’s a winner. Best of luck.

Been a few days since i last posted, insite have finally contacted and earliest assessment oppointment is april some time. If i get in my house by/ before then will have to go private locally just to help/ support with the change.
This week has been another big step for me, no drink, started excercising regularly again and slowly pulling my finger out and trying to catch up with work thats slipped while i’ve wallowed.
Was supposed to got to a meetup last night but was cancelled so had night on my own. Frist full day/ night on my own since the split. Actually enjoyed a chill afernoon nipped to shop for pie, watched a movie the bed.
Am bit fed up with no one to talk to now but pick son up from scouts soon.

On the whole feeling positive, still a long way to go but baby steps etc.

Great to hear you sounding more positive about things 👍

I am glad you have had soMe positive times OP!

Thought i’d check in and vent a little bit.
Timing is everything in comedy though not laughing.
House move has stalled and in isolation with ex and son for next god knows how many weeks, we are being civil but little digs and anoyances happen. Last night went to bed at 6:30 just to get out of the way.
Feels like am definatley in someone elses house now, thankfully am mentally stronger than a month ago (no longer want to do anything stupid) but am getting through the whiskey at a worrying rate.
I had started socialising and going out, now lockdown has isolated me again. Will get there just keep picturing a beer in my back garden in the sun but its not easy.

Have finally moved. Setting up a house in lockdown is a pain. Sleepng on old duvets on the floor but that’s not too bad.
Having a bad evening/ night. Work is really difficult, feel I’m not doing my best and that career is getting away from me. Added to that moving just after start if month has made money a bit tight now for some weeks.
First night struggling on my own, Son came over Sat night on his camp bed.
I don’t know, life seems to have slipped past me and feel a bit worthless at the minute.

Having not been on STW forum for years and having different challenges with my marriage and career and being awake in the wee small hours I read the this chat carefully.

My situation is different, 20 years in marriage – far from perfect and think I found someone else special (don’t judge, I wasn’t looking and that is a separate story), then lockdown happens and I’m one side of the country, she is the other wise. Two months later the home relationship is far from better, work is hugely stressful and I’m trying to not loose my job through up coming redundancies (ironic given I do digital consulting – the future of post COVID work) and I need to make a decision which will be the biggest change to my life after marriage and children.

It was the moving out, being brave, being alone, but not loosing connections with my children that’s been most on my mind. Also for someone who’s life involves way too much drinking with work travel, I am aware of the danger that drink will mean I will slip into a very dark place.

@Sumoname, I feel for you and it’s brave for you to post what is happening. I wish you all the best. A lot of people feel life slipping by, or even go through life without realising it is. My tactic so far is to make small steps and look for small positives – and I know when I eventually take a similar step to you it will be a journey with hard days and nights, but something many others have done and have got through eventually

OP apart from talking to us have you managed to secure some counselling through your GP? A bit of talking to a neutral third party in the same room may well help get your head a bit straighter. Good luck.

I believe that you need to end the relationship as soon as you realize that it no longer brings you joy and doesn’t motivate you. It’s easy to say, but learning how to understand yourself and do it the way you feel is very difficult.

How are you getting on op?

I’m stuck in limbo, got laid off in April and ex won’t work even if she can find something so I can’t move out unfortunately, I’ve tried getting a deal through various ways but think she’s scared of leaving money on the table so what I thought could get done amicably looks like going the lawyer route as you can’t deal with someone who won’t negotiate I suppose, so looking forward to the time this is in the past

On a positive note just to get out of the house I’ve done lots of cycling so lost lots of weight, also cut down on drinking as a matter of principle since the split

Must be awful for those of you dealing with separation, or unable to separate, during this lockdown period.

Keep posting up, lots of good experience and advice on here.

Hi all, bit of an update.
So as previously stated moved in May full lockdown everything in the back of a car, fortunately I didn’t have much to move.
Planned deliveries for first week, beds, fridge, washer.

So two months in, some days are harder than other, as having to use holidays up sometimes am on my own for days. Think it was three days without talking to anyone last week.

So today ex come over to pick son up, bit strange, then says. That friend you recon likes me, you’re right moved in last night!.
This “friend” built our extension 5 years ago and regularly come round in the day for “drink and chat”.
She protests innocence and that nothing happend while we were together but find it hard to believe. The same week I moved out he brought son a wardrobe round.
Fair to say I handled it as you would expect with some swearing. So went to work (still on hol) and chatted to mate there then text another (only non work mate) for drink tonight.
To be clear it’s not someone moving in that bothers me, it’s a bit soon after 15 years but hey ho, it’s that it’s the bloke who’s been round the house for years.
Worse is think son knew last night and didn’t know what to do.

So back to feeling shitty and worthless but nowhere near as bad as before.

Have gone on the dating apps and had some chats and dates just to see where I am and not talk to an 11yr old. One was great we talked whilst walking the dog and both were honest about past relationships and using the app. The other no so well in person mainly letting her dog walk around the beer garden unchecked and making references to having kids.
Don’t think full relationship is what am after but not a FB either, so some pondering there.
Finally cracked at work had a very Frank chat with the director of the department and kicked off about a few things… Errrm I might have a good chance of being head of department by Sep.
Am super cautious about it though as don’t want to loose the friends I have in the team (we have talked about this already, asking to do things they’re unhappy with) and will be getting close to higher tax band taking everything into account.

Just to note being amicable is the best for the kids and worked very well untill today, we even split a caravan hol last week.
It’s not easy though and lots of younger biting is needed. But it needs both of you to do it.
I’m very lucky in some ways that it has gone so well.
Apart from pointing out the financial advisor got his sums wrong an I was owed another £10k

‘Tongue’ biting ?

I remember this thread from a while back. Glad to hear your getting on better.
And respect for talking about something so personal, I’m sure it will help others to see the journey you are making back to living life.

So – good news on the work front, well done and that helps make life a bit easier in other respects.

Good news that you’ve remained amicable to this point – shows that you can both put the needs of your son first and makes it easier going forward. I can promise you, it isn’t luck, it’s a credit to you (and your ex) that you can swallow your emotions and keep a lid on things. I’ve failed a few times, but my ex knows to ignore me when I have a rant 😉

Whilst it obviously hurts that your ex is with someone else, see if you can accept at face value that this didn’t cause your split. And even if it did, it’s in the past and you have to keep looking forward, doing your best for you and the boy. Don’t beat yourself up about it, other peoples choices might define them but they don’t define you.

Cheers, like i said it’s the who rather than timing but i’ll get over that. Living in the same village no so usfull, just wish i had a few more friends to fall back on was starting to use meetup but all that went with lock down.
Anyway am in a much better place than earlier, am going for a group ride now not hitting the booze and pain killers. Thats a win for me.

‘Tongue’ biting ?

Bloody auto correct😅

Yeah staying off the booze really helps, I was drinking lots but now only once a week and feel much better mentally for it

Good to hear that you’re coming through this

Good news, keep moving forward op.

Where are you geographically? You probably have other STWers in hoying distance who will drag your arse out on a ride.

She protests innocence and that nothing happend while we were together but find it hard to believe.

On the one hand this is almost certainly bollocks.

On the other, the past is the past. You can’t change it, it’s over and done with and no good will come of dwelling on it. The sooner you can file this nagging train of thought under “don’t care” the faster your life will get better.

You can’t change it, it’s over and done with and no good will come of dwelling on it. The sooner you can file this nagging train of thought under “don’t care” the faster your life will get better.

Definatley, not fully there yet but miles better than a few months ago. Had a good ride with a group last night, drink afterwards all good. Friend is comming round today but goes away for a month with work, fortunatley i’ll be back at work soon.

The thing that really niggles was the constant comments from her about sorting stuff (deeds of trust etc) incase i run off with a younger model. The above needs to be applied to that but still grates a bit.

One thing is I am far better off now than before the split, mentally, health wise and financially.

Good and bad days, today is a low.
S@#ty week and sat alone again drinking.
At least I know it’s for one night.
Just happened to bump into ex and son today got a hug from him, always awesome. Pleased I did rip her head off, yay me.

Sometimes I feel like a silly teenager eg this song, bloody stupid dust.

Others going through this have my sympathy it’s bloody tough.

I’m so much better off mentally and have stopped drinking, I’m stuck in purgatory though as I can’t get her to negotiate, can’t wait to move out

Keep your chin up but honestly knock the booze on the head it really messes with your mood the next day

Pleased I did rip her head off, yay me.

I do hope that’s a typo.

deserter ^^^ has it – booze combined with failed relationship is not a good mix; solo drinking when your emotions are all over the place is bad and almost guaranteed to make a bad situation worse.
Who ever said self medication was a solution was a liar and complete trucking idiot.

I have no useful advice @sumoname except to say I’m still up, reading this and rooting for you. If your ex-missis is still also putting the needs of the kids first still, well that’s a bonus, you should give her a moderate credit for that, could be so much worse.

And what Cougar said about reaching out to other forumites on here, its good advice. A bike ride, a beer – who couldn’t use more mates who are up for that.

Sorry everyone,
First time in a good two months just sat and got a drunk and feeling sorry for myself.
Now up drinking litres of water and will prob go for walk to catch sun rise.

Was supposed to have gone on a ride last night but wind stopped play.

Pleased I did rip her head off, yay me.
</blockquote

I do hope that’s a typo.

Sorry typo should be “didn’t”, I was polite. Won’t argue in front of Son. Have been in his position and it’s not nice.

Thanks for the insight sumoname, it has been a help. We’re currently helping with eldest child’s marriage going phut last weekend. Child is fine (ish) the spouse is in pieces and we’re his counselling and guidance as his parents are either unfit due to dementia or unable due to nursing dementia.

We’re being strictly neutral and there are some substantial Chinese Walls in place.

Right an overdue update after the embarrassing drunken silliness of before.

So the booze has been cut right down some weeks just the one beer, am eating a lot better and generally feel OK.

I’ve started counselling again following a recommendation from someone off here the difference between the new councillor and the free work one is huge.
The therapy is centred around self worth and some tough questions have been asked, mainly “what makes you happy?” that took a week to answer. A few sessions in and not expecting miracles but i have quite big questions to mull over in the week which helps.

Me and the ex still on relatively good terms and sorting a settlement agreement to basically put in writing what we have already done.

I’ve been dating for a bit, first dates easy, second dates harder. This has actually helped in that relearning to interact with people and not be so withdrawn, though this seems to have backfired in 70’s farcical comedy style and have a small number of interested parties (and not wanting to break rule #1).

Son is good though think he misses me more than lets on, work is crap and need to really think how this affects me. Though being honest at work and after telling some I’ve gone for counselling they have talked about when they went.

So at the min riding the high waiting for the crashing low, and hopeful to be better at riding it out.

Sounds like youve got some control of the situation, which is definitely a good thing!
Well done

Though being honest at work and after telling some I’ve gone for counselling they have talked about when they went.

When I was on meds and having counseling I was astonished how many friends and colleagues opened up about their own experience. Surprisingly common, turns out.

Looks like you’re putting the miles in on this situation. Good stuff mate. 👍🏼

Wife and I separated two years ago in June. I found and still do that going to the gym really helps. Had a few counselling sessions alpine similar issues to yourself and they really helped.

Living on my own with my kids coming over at weekends. Would probably drink if it wasn’t for the gym acting as an outlet. The fact you’re dating is impressive I can’t face the idea of that, fills me with fear. Can only say things will get better, stick with the counselling. It helps.

Seems like you are making progress.
Based on personal experience, highs and lows will continue for years; it’s all about how you manage them.
I’ve said it before but it bears repeating – booze is not your friend; once in a while it can be therapeutic but don’t forget that it’s more of a depressant than anything else – particularly if you’re drinking solo. If you’re going solo, (try to) stop it; it’s incredibly damaging.
Set yourself small daily objectives; nothing too challenging but prove to yourself you have a focus. Every time you can tick a box it’s a positive; the more often you tick that box the stronger you become – you are proving and reinforcing yourself.
Find what works for you – counselling, gym, cycling, reading…whatever but stick with it.
Be strong; you’ve got what it takes – you know you have.

Ok have given it a week to here.
Last week was low i knew a low was comming but was tough neverless, weekend just as bad.
Buying the ex birthday presents on behalf of son didn’t help but he chose and i just had to order and pay.

Today again been really low, struggled and tired, then went to counciling after work.
Was a tough session said i just wanted to sleep and not wake up, talked a lot about depression and me going to the doctors, said i’m reluctant for medication and when i discussed it in Feb with the doctor they suggested counciling. They asked me to at least just talk to the doctor again.

Work is really a trigger, deep down i think i need to leave (education). But really dont want to because of the financial and flexibility benifits it has and dont think i have anything to transfer into.
On the flip side of that all i do is go to work the moape about not able to get myself to do anything.

Counciling has really helped but it’s not easy for me. After an hour i’m totally drained for the rest of the night.

Irony on facebook over the weekend weekend with lots of “it’s OK to not be OK” posts. It really doesn’t feel like that at the min.

I feel like I should comment on this thread, although I have no idea what to say.

Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have things in place to help, but it must be hard at times.

It sounds like a change of career could be a good thing, but that it should be a longer term goal once you are one a more stable footing.

Other people on here are better placed than me to offer advice, but I wish you all the best.

I didn’t want to go to the doctors or have meds. Glad I did – GP was great, accepted my concerns, put me on a very low dose of Citalopram.

Took a month to properly take effect, but woke up one morning feeling, well, ok. Just calmer. More in control. Less jittery. The constant chatter in my head was quieter.

Have me a chance to get my head straight with counseling and CBT, decide how I wanted to go forwards, and start taking steps.

Was on the meds longer than I expected – nearly two years, but so glad I did it.