I can tick the box for most of these –

Measure and cut set of Fox forks in a hurry leaving off the stem. Check
Connect syringes to rear caliper/front brake. Check
Forget to put bleed blocks in and pop pistons. Check
Garmin put on roof while loading bikes to be never seen again. Check
Driving away and hearing crunch, reversing back to see my front wheel that had been leaning against front bumper. (new disc and a few new spokes and it’s still in use – wheels are amazing)
Discovering that parts of a car park are lower than the barrier at the entrance. Check

Finally did that ‘forget most of your kit’ for a weekend of riding last autumn. I realised I’d no shorts before we got to the campsite and diverted to pick up a pair. Didn’t realise I’d forgotten my helmet until we were kitted up and ready to ride a few hours later.

Most expensive non-bike related idiocy is probably an overnight flight back from Bangkok. K and I had done a load of them over the years and never had a problem but this time both of us completely missed the fact that the checkin for a 0020 flight on a Thursday is on Wednesday evening until we reached the checkin desk…..

Heading over to see mates in Dublin for the weekend,me and my housemate were halfway to Manchester Airport from Sheffield.

“When did you say we take off?”

“12.30”

“No, that’s when we land”

“Christ, hold on.”

We got there after the final boarding call and the gate had *just* closed but through tears, pleading and pretending Sarah was pregnant we amazingly got on.

Can’t believe I am actually admitting to this one but here goes. On more than one occasion when bleeding radiators I have unscrewed the valve too far resulting in the core shooting out and water pissing out everywhere whilst I frantically search for it.

@funkmasterp

Can’t believe I am actually admitting to this one but here goes. On more than one occasion when bleeding radiators I have unscrewed the valve too far resulting in the core shooting out and water pissing out everywhere whilst I frantically search for it

I walked into the local docs surgery not that long ago to find the receptionist with her finger stuck to the end of a radiator to stop the water while one of the docs was crawling around the floor looking for the valve that he had unscrewed too far.

This thread is gold 😂 bravo 👏

Oh yes, not me (this time) but last visit to John Lewis the woman behind the till we approached asked us,

“Would you mind awfully using the other tills because I’ve stapled my fingernail into this stapler…” (shows us firmly attached digit and stapler, as if we’d not have believed her) “and I can’t use the scanner until the first aider comes to free me.” 😂

I’m sure that many of the members of the Bogtrotters who I used to ride with will probably look back through tears of laughter over the incident involving one of the members – Ben the vet, who had been holding a surgical staple in one hand whilst performing an operation on a horse when he slipped over and stapled his other hand to the horses penis.

🔚

Had one toady that could of been very expensive!

Parked up the car on a slight slope, got out locked it up and walked over to chat to someone

The person i was chatting suddenly said Your car! so i turn around to see my car rolling backwards down the slope gaining speed whilst heading towards a parked van

Some how i managed to sprint across the car park, grab the door handle (thank god for keyless entry!) open the door dive in and yanked the handbrake up!

Got out and saw i was approx 1 foot away from the car smashing into the front of the van!

I always check the handbrake is on before getting out and even double checking before walking away but for some reason this time i never put it on or double checked it!

Took my wife & kids on our 1st camping trip with 1 year old twins & boys aged 4 & 6

To qecp day night enduro

Unload car…. No tent poles, wife is furious, rang camping shops nearby- no joy, it’s getting late, race starts soon 😬

Thank fk @superfli lives nearby & leant me his family tent

I even managed to race in the end, no practice tho.

My wife has never let me forget it

I also finished a race at Qecp one time, put my bike & sweaty top in the boot, slam… Locked it
Scott of southern enduro fame even got me on the podium, shirtless & sad asking if anyone had a Ford key they’d try in my lock

Eventually my mates and I hooked the door open with a coat hanger, after everyone ekse had long since left

Hire car keys in the pocket of my shorts during a nice long swim in the sea and afternoon at the beach with the kids – luckily was a bloody hot day and we disamntled the key & left it in the sun. Unbelievably, that worked and we left only about an hour later than we’d planned

(not very) Near-death experience: Couple of years ago the new forest got one of its incredibly rare snowstorms, just as I got home from work. Ran in, got changed and took the fatbike out for a proper fatbike ride in a blizzard. Got pretty dark – ha, got my lights, so no worries there
Then hit a big patch of ice on the common, about a mile from home. Didn’t come off but span around using one leg as a support and when I got ready to set off, realised I had no idea which way I was pointing. Realised I was actually quite cold, totally “lost” and briefly began to wonder if I’d become possibly the only blizzard-related fatality in the forest. No phone signal out there.
Man, if only there was a way of retracing your, err, well TRACKS in snow. Honestly must’ve taken me 5-10 minutes to work that out. Dickhead

This thread is gold..my wife thinks I’m crackers, suddenly laughing out loud at some these.
Exactly 1 year ago today with all my staff furloughed and just me at work I decided steel toe cap boots weren’t necessary as it was warm and my feet were hurting. Moving a loading platform I promptly dropped the end of it on my big toe, I reckon about 200kg. Funnily enough Nike trainers don’t offer much in the way of protection and after nearly passing out I removed my sock and blood was leaking out from around my toe nail. Toe nail dropped off about 8 weeks later but has grown back. Still painful sometimes. I have pics but some of you might be eating.

@kimbers my wife would have been raging! She hates camping at the best of times, let alone without a tent lolz!

@hot_fiat You want PowerShell with the verbose and whatif parameters! 😏

Finally realized today why Cliffsend is named as it is. Only lived in the area since forever.

@icic that would be fine, if it wasn’t an identity management solution I was implementing. When they go wrong they go horribly wrong: I was once sent into a large auditing company to troubleshoot some issues. Got there and all hell had already broken loose. HR had accidentally sent the IDM solution a blank feed that morning. Our (at the time) dumbass solution had taken that as a signal to disable everyone in the company, in every application, in every part of the business. All 225000 of them. Very shortly after that dev produced a patch allowing us to include some threshold checks.

On one motorbike tour ‘round Europe we accidentally ended up at Octoberfest in Stuttgart. The day after the night before we went to set off on the bikes and I heard a clunk, the bike stopped dead – forgot to take the disc lock off. €280 for a new disc later + an extra night in Germany and we were off again.

Too many to list:

Packing kit back into the car after a ride – backed the car out of the parking space – crunch – that would be my helmet I’d not put into the boot.

Turned up at a ride without my spd shoes – luckily a friend happened to have one flat pedal in the car – so completed the ride with one spd and one flat.

Recently refitted my kitchen – in trying to fix the leaking joints of the new taps I’d isolated the hot tap, opened the tap to remove any pressure in the system, undone the pipe, daughter asks if she can fill up her glass of water – yeah no problem I thought I’ve only been messing with the hot, that’s odd water pressure is a bit low and why does it sound like water is pissing all over the new kitchen cupboard…..

Many years ago went to Austria with a couple of mates to bum around for the ski season. Night before we flew one of me mates pulled out a big bag of weed he planned to bring along, after a brief conversation we persuaded him to leave it behind, he stuffed it into his pocket we went to the pub and forgot all about it. And yes, he flew with the now forgotten bag of green in his open jacket pocket, only realised when we finally got to our digs and he stuck his hand in his pocket. He was one of ‘those’ mates, no-one normal would do something so silly…

…fast forward to 4 years ago, i’m flying to Dubai, sat on the plane an hour or so from landing I stick my hand in my jacket pocket to discover with horror its full of weed, not even in a bag, loose! I’d grabbed the jacket on the way out of the door that morning, last time I had worn it had been to a festival a good six months before. A dash to the toilet to empty the pockets down the toilet and for good measure give everything as thorough a wash as possible in a plane loo. Must admit I walked through Dubai customs with clenched buttocks, especially when the person in the queue in front of me was pulled aside by customs. To think what would of happened if I hadn’t stuck my hand in the pocket…

Left my bike on the train once and realised it after I’d walked about 5mins….lucky that Bedford has 2 stations about a mile apart so I legged it to the other one to find the guard with my bike at the platform.

I used be an electrician and have had that sinking feeling a couple of times after realising that I’ve forgot to fit the glands shroud on the 240mm 4-core armoured cable (quite large cable) after you’ve been wrestling to terminate it for the last hour. 😤

Forgot and lost numerous bike bits whilst either travelling or out riding like: lights, gloves, shoes, helmet, the list goes on….

Or those little silicon doughnuts that stop your cables rattling, often forget to fit those when changing cables.

Too many to mention however one does sticks in my mind.
Booked to guide an uplift day on Exmoor. Turned up and while waiting for the clients realised to my horror that I’d left my bike lock key 300 miles away at home. Bike locked up securely in the back of my van! Try finding an angle grinder on Exmoor at 9 o’clock in the morning on a Sunday. Eventually rescued by a very friendly farmer.

I’ve done most of the bike related ones, including threading a bottom bracket into a new frame only for it to get a bit tight after a few threads.

The first time I was stupid and put the wrench on it, thinking I was just too weak. It went a few more turns then got really stuck.

Cost me a £50 bottom bracket and £200 for a chase and face tool to clean up the damage.
Then about £400 off the price of a non damaged frame when I sold the frame after only having it six months. Still worked fine tbh, just didn’t feel happy not declaring it when it was sold.

I say first time as I did it again a couple of years later. This time only hand tight but it was enough to damage the btm bracket thread when taking it back out. Didn’t cost so much that time.

Also had a fair few non cycling related ‘doh’ moments. Best of which was taking a work mates car during lunch as mine was in for service. Went to the supermarket, bought lunch, went to get back in his car to find it was unlocked. Figuring I had just pressed the wrong remote button instinctively through it being an unfamiliar car, I got in unpacked and made my cheap ass DIY bread rolls and packed meat sandwich. Then went to turn the radio on. Somebody had swapped his touch screen thing for an old school tiny radio with knobs on !

A quick double take and I’d gotten into the wrong damn car – his was 3 bays down and looked remarkedly similar. Nobody noticed thankfully.

realise I’d fenced my van in the garden.

By far the best. Nicely done.

I cycle to work, my wife used to always drive. One day the logistics required me to take the car home. I rode there, approached from the driver’s side, front wheel off, bike into the boot, got into the car. It was a parking space facing onto a busy road, I waited for a gap for about two minutes – wanting to turn left. Saw a small gap but I’d have to time it perfectly and then boot it. So I did.

Unfortunately I hadn’t seen the very large, very solid wooden bollard near the passenger side of the car. Managed to damage the front left wing, both doors, rear left wing and the bit that runs beneath the doors. $6000 of damage, just shy of writing off the car.

Thought I’d booked a plane ticket to San Jose, California, but somehow ended up in San Jose (I think it was a long time ago) in central america and being robustly interviewed by gun toting drugs officers.

Having said which, this is also a peach

realise I’d fenced my van in the garden.

Looks like you aren’t alone in that little exercise.

I’m being oppressed 🙁

Aw Northwind turn that fork frown upside down.

I plan to retire it at 10 so not long to go…

Best thing I’ve done on this front relates to a rental car, parking and somewhere in Spain.
Went to watch the F1 at circuit de catalunia for a weekend away, was the last year of the v8s (incredible noise).
Fly there, rent a car, drive around and watch F1, fly home. That was the plan at least.
First time driving in a foreign land on the wrong side of the car and the wrong side of the road was interesting. Stayed in a little town around an hour from the circuit, found a normal looking car park (hotel hadn’t any parking), asked the locals of all was good to park there (I definitely cannot read Spanish). All good, or so I thought. Onto the hotel for drinks etc.

Next morning, breakfast and excitement to go watch some fancy noisy cars do their qualifying. Walk to the carpark to find that an outdoor market was taking up the entire carpark including where I’d left the car, car was gone, cue sinking feeling.

Many thoughts going through my head, first being shall I just go home and hope the rental company never ask for their car back?
After flapping around for some time I spotted a police station so headed over to ask.
Fortunately it was them who moved it into their secure compound just behind that station. Most expensive car park I’ve ever paid for, think it was 120euro to release the car.
I parked elsewhere the 2nd night.

Forgot my shoes last Sunday and only realised 75 miles from home. Pair of new shoes later…

Dropped car off for service, was 20 miles away when I received a call to let me know my immobiliser wasn’t deactivated…

Some years ago five of us did a 100 miler south to north Devon coast to coast mostly off road between Paignton and Ilfracombe. Spent weeks planning the route and equipment. 95 miles and 14 hours in we got to Woolacombe beach, north Devon and it was getting dark and starting to rain. Time for a bit of night riding! Only one had forgotten his lights, two sets of cheap eBay ones failed almost straight away and I’d brought my light and battery but the lead I put in was the charging lead with a three pin plug on the end! We were left with one light which was basically an old EverReady torch for the last very, very long five miles.

While screwing down some 8×4 marine ply sheets to lay tiles in my bathroom refit, I sprayed a red line where the plumbing was routed underneath.

I must have been completely hypnotised by the repetitiveness, after 100 or so screws, and promptly put one straight through a pipe – at least I knew I’d marked the pipe location correctly.

Although the water was off, there was still enough pressure in the pipe to soak the ceiling below. Luckily I didn’t have to cut and replace any plaster sheets. (I saved that for the shower trap)

Went for a wee canoe after work. I was camping and tied canoe on the roof but just slide the 2 paddles on the roof of the car. Slept in the car and then headed off to work in the morning. Coming up to a roundabout the car in front brakes sharply causing me to do the same. 2 paddles fly forward off the roof narrowly missing the car in front rear window. One survived one cracked. Lesson learnt.

Oh also ride in spds but carry a set of flats in the spare wheel well, no need to ask me why.

Sledging on Arthur’s seat. Great day, but couldn’t find car keys at end. It was the festive period so quickest solution was a train to home 450miles away to retrieve spare key and back.

Keys were handed in to police 3 months later and got them back.

After months of careful planning I drove down to do the 2013 Mega.
I’d packed everything, so I thought.
I built my tent under the main lift feeling accomplished
I was gutted when I noticed I hadn’t packed the pump for the Air bed. Luckily I soon noticed I’d also forgotten the air bed.

Borrowed a tent for the Easter santapod drag racing, many years ago. No tent poles, got drunk and burnt my coat to keep warm…

More recently, spent ages carefully replacing a turbo and cleaned the whole engine as I went. Really took my time. Started the engine and pumped 3litres of oil from the high pressure fitting I’d forgotten to tighten. Greenpeace were outside cleaning seagulls. The mess was horrific.

There are loads more.

If it involves mechanics i seem to be completely unable to do things first time without doing it wrong. It’s an effective, albeit expensive, learning method, except if I repeat the mistake.

Bike-related I had a nightmare in the forest a few months ago. On my way home decided to take a particularly extreme singletrack through thick rainforest. Climbing to the top of one of the gnarly sections I got the chain stuck twixt cassette and a hard place right on the chain link. After struggling for ages I ended up having to break the chain with my EDC tool to be able to get it off. It was getting towards twilight (no lights) and i was being swarmed by a combination of mosquitos and March flies (like horseflies) which was making it even more frustrating. Then … i put a second chainlink in and was all happy with myself, before realising i’d put the chain on the wrong side of the chainstay!!!! Yes. Proper stupid. It’s not getting any lighter and I figured it would be a quick job to undo the chain link and correct… surely the EDC tool has a chain link breaker, right? Luckily i had phone reception so i found the video showing how it worked, but bugger me i couldn’t get it to work. I was absolutely howling and slapping myself silly with the mozzies. Nearly bawling.
Ten miles from home, no way of getting the back wheel to turn unless i cut the chain again, and on a hillside with the options of walk down with a bike on my head in the semi-dark or riding in the absolute dark.

After watching the video umpteen times I eventually got the piece of crap to work and managed to get down all the rock slabs before it was properly dark.

Next month it’ll probably be something equally stupid. I’m resigned to this stuff happening to me, but having the bloody-minded tenacity to try and make it out alive.

@db – genius. I’ll be doing this, and also a spare helmet.

Oh also ride in spds but carry a set of flats in the spare wheel well, no need to ask me why.