Throughout my teenage and adult life I've suffered from low moods and a general negative outlook at times. At other times I've had major highs but these have been in the minority.
Twice I've been on antidepressants, and I've tried counselling but it didn't work for me. A few years ago I was also referred for CBT to help me deal with what I was told was low self esteem. It was group CBT and I couldn't understand how, as a 6' 3" male with a booming voice, I had the same issues as the timid, insecure females that made up the rest of the group. The tablets had also taken effect and I was in a high point on my life so I quit the CBT and stumbled forward as I was. Here I am 4 years later in the same situation and knowing I need to sort this for good. I've read more about low self esteem and I do actually recognise many of the traits in myself and I'm sure this is what then leads to episodes of depression.
This place is has offered some great support to those with mental health issues but I've not seen anything specifically about low self esteem, I'd therefore be interested in hearing from those who have suffered and how they deal with it. PM me if you don't want to post in the thread. Thanks
why do you have low self-esteem ? What things do you think you are not so good at and other people are better at ?
Do you worry about what other people think of you ? Apparently that can be a cause of depression, but in reality people aren't aren't actually thinking about you anyway, so worrying about it is pointless.
Always comparing myself to others, can't take criticism, hate being wrong, afraid of failure, won't take risks, won't get involved unless it will make me look bad if I don't, it's a long list
but in reality people aren’t aren’t actually thinking about you anyway, so worrying about it is pointless.
Logic and common sense tell me this, my feeling, however, don't and my feelings usually win out.
hate being wrong
that's pretty standard.
afraid of failure
that can be as well.
Logic and common sense tell me this, my feeling, however, don’t and my feelings usually win out.
Can you find an activity where failure is the norm but everyone has a lot of fun anyway, to maybe get used to failure and it not particularly mattering ? Maybe some of those tough mudder type activities?
Just a suggestion, probably not appropriate but soon the STW depression heavyweights should be along - in fact I was expecting my reply to cause them to jump in and trash my comments to get the ball rolling...
Always comparing myself to others, can’t take criticism,
I'll let you into a couple of little secrets:
1) Pretty much everyone else is far too self-absorbed to give much of a toss either way whether you're right or wrong, succeeding or failing, whatever. They're too busy with their own demons to care about yours.
2) People paint a picture of their lives which is what they want people to see and often quite divorced from reality, and this has increased exponentially with the rise of social media etc. You're not comparing yourself with others, you're comparing your own personal reality with the facade of others. You might see on Facebook that Claire from Accounts is having a lovely holiday in the sun and think "lucky cow, she's so successful, I wish I was more like her" but what you're not seeing because she's not posting about it is that she's up to her eyeballs in debt and her husband is knocking seven bells out of her every night.
Try and make "what other people think of me" lower on your give-a-shitometer, you'll feel better for it. Someone thinks you suck, well, who cares, that's their loss. Nothing changes, no-one died.
1)identify which thoughts are the result of your low self esteem, not just the obvious surface ones but the underlying assumptions that lead to negative thoughts.2)recognise that, although these thoughts/feelings may have an internal reality, they don't reflect your real relationship with the world, I. e. stop believing in them.3)consciously work to undermine your negative thoughts, using logic, positive thoughts, other people's opinions of you, etc. Once you can accept the first two the third one is a bit like smiling even when you don't feel it, it does improve things. This is the approach I adopt, it doesn't always work but it does go a long way towards not getting lost in your low opinion of yourself. Sorry if this sounds a bit simplistic/prescriptive but I'm busy at the mo. Feel free to message me if you want more detail
I don't feel qualified to comment on this thread and you wouldn't be interested in my opinions anyway.
Always comparing myself to others, can’t take criticism, hate being wrong, afraid of failure, won’t take risks, won’t get involved unless it will make me look bad if I don’t, it’s a long list
Are you sure you're not me posting subconsciously under an assumed name?
I too have battled the black dog in one way or another most of my life. An overbearing mother who felt the need to pass her neurosis on to me when she figured she couldn't control my sister put paid to any confidence I may have had.
I have tried counselling a couple of times and between one person who just sat telling me about her husbands cars, to the trainee who listened brilliantly, so brilliantly in fact they never once offered any sort of coping mechanisms or ways to improve my feelings or thoughts in any way. I've also been diagnosed with OCD and Aspergers, depending who you talk to.
Recent successes for me have been exercising more (seems a cliche, but it gives me a temporary boost.......and i'm fat, so there's that)
I took some time away from social media, because it's poison. I didn't delete anything, I just reduced my screen time.
I tried to chop my days up in to wins, little things, I did the dishes, i didn't stare at Facebook waiting for it to change. I washed the car, I didn't shout at my daughter because I was really frustrated with myself. I took a day off work and watched Star Wars.
I read this:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
I'm not one for self help, but this was the first one that didn't make me want to kick myself in the nuts.
I'm currently taking small steps towards understanding what makes me tick, what I like and what I don't like. I still put on a front that I don't give a damn, but it's a massive lie I just keep telling myself. I'm miles of where I need to be and a lot of days are lower than others. but what I do know is that it can't last forever, and it's about getting through the next day with a win under my belt. I feel like crap today but at least I went to the gym, sorted out a new mortgage rate and booked the wifes car in for its service. so today could be described as a win.
If you want to PM then feel free, i'll make sure my e-mails in my profile.
hm. I can offer not much in way of helpful response, other than my first thought was exact same as @redsox...
this is worth reading :
the kindle version was very cheap a while ago.
I've read 59 seconds, it made sense at the time but it hasn't changed the way I think.
Thaks for sharing redsox, I'll take a look at that book
I used to be very competitive in 1v1 sports, yet often suffering from extreme anxiety in games that mattered to me, which then often lead to me under-performing (especially in snooker).
Cycling for fitness over the last ~15 months has helped me in so many ways, more so when they were outdoor rides, something I've not done very much of in 2018 so far due to carp weather! 99% of my rides are solo and if I'm not recovering from injury/ illness/ a run of intensive rides that have put me into the "over-training" zone, I chase my PBs up hills and to a greater extent ease up between them.
Not everyday will set new records, but the aerobic exercise; outdoor time; countryside; tranquillity; cleaner air; little car traffic etc. in the South Downs between Winchester and Wheatham Hill are great therapy for me.
I have pretty major self-esteem problems, too, but I'm starting to wonder how much of the way that this impacts me is influenced by the fact that most people are overconfident themselves.
For example, I'm a university researcher, and this lands me in a culture where (apparently) 94% of professors think their work is above average... Even if it turns out that I'm an average quality researcher, who is realistic about my abilities, I may still come across as having relatively low confidence.
So I'm increasingly wondering whether the under-confidence I have is no more biased than the overconfidence most seem to have (and perhaps less so). Recognising this as a possibility seems, to me, a potential start towards a kind-of contented realism.
It's hard to live in a world of overconfidence and maintain your sanity without succumbing to self-serving delusions
Nice link here:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/you-are-less-beautiful-than-you-think/
I used to have low self confidence but I addressed it by taking myself out of my “comfort zone” and forcing myself to do things I wasn’t confident about.
Try doing some charity type stuff - giving up your time to help others? Helping out at a food bank or charity? Some of those you help will be properly thankful and that makes you feel very good about yourself. Seeing what others have to deal with can help keep things in perspective too. I'm in no way downplaying mental illness - I've seen it's effects at close quarters several times.
Try doing some charity type stuff
That's something I'd like to do in the future. At the moment with a toddler at home and another on the way I don't have the time.
Adjusting to having kids shouldn't be underestimated. You wonder what you used to do with your time..........
Think about what you 'esteem', as being a good partner/parent/Dad is a huge achievement. We're just entering the 'teen years' with ours.
Adjusting to having kids shouldn’t be underestimated. You wonder what you used to do with your time……….
This is very true, and the toddler and baby years are the most-stressful and least rewarding IME (so far).
But ultimately - as boxelder suggests - I think having kids can really help put life's worries and anxieties into perspective and give you a metaphorical kick up the arse.
On another note - Would any of those who've dealt with depression - and helped manage it with MTBing - be interested in taking part in an article on the subject? I have something quite interesting in the pipeline and need another case study or two. Email in profile or PM me.
🙂
Hi cheersdrive
Make an appointment to see your GP to get re refered for CBT - A professional will help you work your way through and help devise coping strategies.Try to stay of the medicines if you can help it and think through the advise from others in this thread, to see how it can help your circustance.
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Always comparing myself to others, can’t take criticism,
I’ll let you into a couple of little secrets:
1) Pretty much everyone else is far too self-absorbed to give much of a toss either way whether you’re right or wrong, succeeding or failing, whatever. They’re too busy with their own demons to care about yours.
2) People paint a picture of their lives which is what they want people to see and often quite divorced from reality, and this has increased exponentially with the rise of social media etc. You’re not comparing yourself with others, you’re comparing your own personal reality with the facade of others. You might see on Facebook that Claire from Accounts is having a lovely holiday in the sun and think “lucky cow, she’s so successful, I wish I was more like her” but what you’re not seeing because she’s not posting about it is that she’s up to her eyeballs in debt and her husband is knocking seven bells out of her every night.
Try and make “what other people think of me” lower on your give-a-shitometer, you’ll feel better for it. Someone thinks you suck, well, who cares, that’s their loss. Nothing changes, no-one died.
This. Always remember this.
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On top of that, I've been having 1-2-1 CBT for anxiety based on a fear of flying. What has happened though is that I found out how I generate my own anxiety and spiral thereof by patterns of repeated and habitual negative thinking. My councillor has helped me recognise when I am "catastrophising" or " comparing" or "predicting" and mainly being uncomfortable to the point of over analysis of "uncertainty" Stopping it takes practise because its ingrained in me but it is working.
So, it may help to go back and have 1 on 1 OP.
MAOIs, 5-HTP and psilocybin. I urge you do your own research on these compounds and their potential benefits to your situation and decide if you want to try them.
You'll worry less about what other people think about you once you realise how seldom they do.
Can I just say what an old work colleague once told me when I scrapped a rather expensive tool for a customer he said “son if you’ve never scrapped anything you’ve never done anything” he was right. If you’ve never made a mistake you’ve never pushed yourself. Life is about gaining experience by making errors and hopefully not repeating them too often. We are all the same really, it’s how you deal with the challenges that matters. Don’t be to hard on yourself.
Talk to your GP. Try again. I can imagine many therapies not working. The idea of talking to a group of strangers about my problems does not appeal. Even talking to one is hard enough. There are different options that may be more appealing. If you look on the NHS website under mental health it explains them.
I've no idea if it will help but this made me think. Not sure I agree with it all as some of it didn't fit with me.
You don't have to talk to a group. CBT can be one to one if that is what suits your needs.
Low esteem can in some ways be linked to childhood trauma,neglect or abuse.
When we experience certain traumas in non supportive,empathetic environment,we tend to construct a coping mechanism,that aid in suppressing these toxic memories.
As adults,the coping mechanisms,come under stress and struggle to maintain order,which can result in depression.
The earlier traumas,can no longer be contained and require some kind of resolution or release.
This in itself,emotional clearing, is very difficult work and is best done with a professional who is trained in this field.
If you want to read about this topic,then John Ruskan's book might be a good place to start.
All the best,hope this helps!
🧡