W’jammin

😛

Why do women wear make up?

‘Cos they’re ugly and they smell.

Just spent all afternoon making a belt from old wristwatches, what a waste of time!

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Pokemon (poke him on). 🙂

Is there a saying about, if you have to explain the joke… 🙁

Conversely,

Why should you never get undressed with a Pokemon in the room?

Cos he might Pikachu.

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

put him in the microwave until h’s bill withers

Did you hear about the multi-storey carpark killer?

It’s just wrong on so many different levels..

With thanks to Tim Vine

What’s the best way to annoy Lady Gaga?

Pokerface (poke her face). 🙂

How do you annoy Lady Gaga? Poker Face (dammit, beaten by 31 seconds)

How do you annoy Heather Mills? Nick Clegg

Did you hear about the multi-storey carpark killer?

It’s just wrong on so many different levels..

Wasn’t it just: “crime in multi-storey car parks… wrong on so many levels”.

What cheese is best to use to entice a bear from his cave?

Camenbert

Ahthangyew!

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.

What cheese do you use to hide a small horse?

Mascapone (mask a pony). 🙂

What do you call cheese that you do not own?
Nacho cheese.

Did you hear about the Dutch boy with inflatable shoes?
He popped his clogs.

My wife’s gone on holdiday

Jamaica?

Alaska

She not gone yet?

Just spent all afternoon making a belt from old wristwatches, what a waste of time!

My wife’s like an old watch strap. One hole’s a bit baggy and the next one along’s just too tight for comfort.

I just swallowed one of my teeth…i’m worried it’ll come back and bite me on the arse.

My wife’s gone on holdiday

Jamaica?

Alaska

She not gone yet?

That’s superb!

Pondo there’s no need to write both pronunciations of the punch lines, we’re not that thick, it’s not Bike Radar!

What’s a hospice?
About three gallon.

Bought a dog from a blacksmith. Soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door

Pondo there’s no need to write both pronunciations of the punch lines, we’re not that thick, it’s not Bike Radar!

It was out of a desire to highlight the poor quality of the punnery, as much as anything. 🙂

Bought a dog from a blacksmith. Soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door

*Applauds 🙂 *

Wasn’t it just: “crime in multi-storey car parks… wrong on so many levels”

Yeah probably. Always embellishing jokes me 🙂

Why did the baker have brown fingers?
He kneeded a poo

Why oh why oh why can’t I spell yoyos?

What did the Mexican put under his carpet?

!ándale, ándale!

“Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin..”

The late, great Tommy Cooper

Seeing as we’re getting pedantic…..

Why do women wear make up?

‘Cos they’re ugly and they smell.

It’s why do women wear perfume and make up…..

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A penguin rolling down a hill.

What’s red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

What cheese should you use to encourage a mammal that enjoys defecating in the woods?
Camembert

What cheese should you give to a Yorkshireman who likes hydroelectric power?
Edam

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.

Nun arrives at the convent by bike, with a wry smile on her face. Mother Superior asks her, “Which way did you come?” and she replies, with an ever widening smile, “I rode across the cobbles”

I’ll stop now.

Chick Murray – some of his finest –

“I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog’s home. I said that I didn’t know it had been away.”

<<I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, “Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?”, he replied,”No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter.”>>

How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas.

A vampire lands on the bonnet of a car with two nuns inside, the first nun says ‘quick sister Mary show him you’re cross’ the second nun shouts out of the window ‘**** OFF YOU VAMPIRE BASTARD!!!’..
Igmc..

Had to cancel my holiday to Norway this year.

I couldn’t A-fjord it.

Two nuns in a bath.

1st nun ‘Wears the soap.’
2nd nun ‘Yes it does, doesn’t it.’

Did you know people from Dubai don’t like The Flintstones?

But people from Abu Dhabi do.

AND NOW..for my next trick I will attempt to eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll please!

I was thinking about getting married but decided it was simpler to just find a woman I didn’t like and give her my house.

I got my wife one of those Pug dogs for a present.
Despite the squashed nose,rolls of fat ,bulging eyes,bad breath and being just plain ugly the dog has really taken to her.

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My wife said she’s dumping me because of my obsession with plants.

So I asked her “where does this stem from petal?”

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My wife says she is divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she really leave me…

…Find out next week!  

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