just for a bit of a laugh…

we have a horrible old bint in work, she’s on a good wage, but takes the p*ss everyday, hands all her work over, stitches everyone up and is a real tight fisted ole cow!

anyway, over the last few months we have noticed that milk is being stolen form the fridge, whole 2 pint bottles, we’ve narrowed it down to every Friday just before SHE leaves. she takes the tea towels home to wash but when she collects them from the kitchen she grabs a fresh bottle of milk and rolls it up in the teatowel, but she was spotted. last week…

we want to oust her good and proper, the crap suggestions round the office so far have been…

1 – carefully inject the milk with ‘eye drops’ this is suppose to induce really bad Diarrhea

2 – write a note with suitable ‘ransom’ typeface along the lines of THIEF!! WE KNOW YOU ARE STEALING THE MILK! fold it up and put it under the cap, so when she goes home and makes a cup of tea she will see the note.

the sad thing is management will just tell us to get on with our work (which we actually do) as its more important if we raise the issue….

Put some laxatives into the milk, that’ll teach her! Annoying though when you all pay and she’s a tight fi*****d bi***!

Plastic or glass?

2 pint bottles would suggest Plastic

What’s that general anaesthetic that looks very much like milk?

Leave a couple of bottles out of the fridge for a few days, then replace.

Make some of your own “milk”. A gentlemans magazine might come in handy for the production phase.

Emulsion?

use some silicon sealant to glue the botles together to anything else you can fit in the fridge, or use silicon to connect a bit of almost invisible fishing twine to one bottle, and then link it to other bottles etc, so when she pulls one the lot comes out.

Get all Saudi on her and just cut her hands off. With a big sword.

I like the note under the cap bit. Thing is, if there’s only one bottle left, does she still take it?

D’oh, just put a note under them all I suppose.

Make some of your own “milk”. A gentlemans magazine might come in handy for the production.

Better yet,

Tell her on monday, in passing, that you’re aware that someone’s been stealing the milk but don’t know who it is, so one of the lads added his ‘special sauce’ to the bottle last friday, isn’t that hilarious!

You don’t actually need to doctor the milk, she just needs to think you have.

plastic, keep em coming!

[/quote]Leave a couple of bottles out of the fridge for a few days, then replace.

Mmmmmmmmmmm…

Make sure you film whatever it is that you do.

a simple “the whole office knows you stealing, you’ve been seen doing it. now nobody trusts or respects you” should do the trick.

I got a talking to on something similar from da management.

The notice I put on the fridge was something like.

“Due to my milk being stolen on a regular basis I have carried out an experiment over the last few weeks where certain milk containers have been doctored. The question you need to ask yourself is am I taking the piss or have you been ?”

Maybe just hide the tea towels every friday so she can’t smuggle to milk out. See if she improvises.

Get her in a headlock.

Give her laxatives!

Put something gross eg plastic turd or false teeth in the milk, she won’t see it until she gets near the bottom…………

At around the time she would do this on a Friday, go and get all the milk out of the fridge and put it on your desk, or share the bottles out equally amongst the rest of you..

Smile at her sweetly.

She’ll get the message.

At around the time she would do this on a Friday, go and get all the milk out of the fridge and put it on your desk…

this could be a goer, messing with her head is the best way….

buy some milk, give it to her on friday with a note signed by everyone saying ‘we’ve noticed you stealing the milk, we’re sorry we didnt recognise the situation you must be in at home so wanted to club together and help out in some way… if you ever need more milk please let us know as we can do a whip-round again, that milk from the fridge is usually used as part of a practical joke between the guys and we dont want to worry about you drinking half the offices semen again’

Burst in when she’s getting the towels out, grab a bottle and down it.
A nice refreshed “AAAAHHHHH” and milky smile when finished.

Picolax in the milk, its what im going to do to the **** if I go through 4 pints in two days again this week!

equine laxatives.

does she get paid for washing the tea towels? maybe she just considersd the free milk her payment

if she does get paid you should just follow her home and stab her in front of her family. that’ll learn her. learn her good.

the company pays for the milk, she is one of those real….”well i take the teatowels home they wont miss a bit of milk”

NOOOOOO you are a thief!

we’ve got to set her up as she really is an evil cow, im not normally a nasty person but she makes everyones blood boil! she even ‘fixes’ the xmas raffle, she nicks half the stuff suppliers leave for EVERYONE then she ends up with the best thingin the raffle.

Take the lid off and cut 90% of the neck off with a stanley knife so it’s hardly held on, when she puts it down on it’s side in her car it’ll burst open, sour milk smells lovely in a hot car interior…..

scrape her face off with a hammer drill then beat her to death with your penis, it’s what a real man would do.

1. Being boring and sensible, you’ve just suggested an act of assault. Probably not a good idea.

2. Much more effective.

3. Everyone follow her into the kitchen when she goes in for the tea towels.

4. Everyone buys a 2 litre bottle of milk and then leave all of them on her desk, saying “you only needed to ask xxx”

Don’t know about you, but at my place I don’t want pints of milk left in the fridge over the weekend, so anyone who wants it on Friday PM can have it or else it goes down the sink.

More significantly I found the best way to avoid the excess was to order less milk.

Bike lock the milk to the fridge shelf?

beat her to death with your penis

Quote of the week

What would happen to the milk if she didn’t take it? Are you being an arse over a quids worth of milk, why does it bother you is there some kind of milk famine in your area?

I suppose you could follow her home, bludgeon her to death and then put her remains through a woodchipper that seems proportional.

Life is too short to worry about petty people.

Blue food dye in the last bottle, or green!

“NOOOOOO you are a thief!”

Oh please

Never taken a desk calculator for home? Some pens? Made a personnal call? How about thrown a sicky?

As above, it’ll only go to waste let the old battle axe have it/them… What will she be like after you have outted her??

This will blow up in your face.

Super glue the lid on
Padlock and chain through the handle to something else in the fridge
Wrap one up in Xmas paper with her name clearly visible on the tag

Everyone have a glass of milk on the desk just before she leaves leaving non in the fridge and give her a cheerie have a nice weekend milk tash smile

reckon she takes office toilet paper too?