Great fibs that you have told and got away with

Once told a colleague that the former lead singer of Terrorvision was servicing our CNC milling machine.

Told the same colleague that Thatcher had died (5 years prior to it actually happening). Was delighted to receive as email confirming this off another colleague within 2 minutes.

I love you

to an ex partner, even asked her to marry me and she said yes. Good thing I realised before we went through with it.

Well that escalated quickly! 😉

Well that escalated quickly

And that’s your big fib?

The management at the place I work all got new iPhones the same day I had bought one, I told the lads on the shop floor I got one as well. Some of them were fuming hahaha!

the former lead singer of Terrorvision was servicing our CNC milling machine.

a) there’s a former lead singer of Terrorvision?

b) the former drummer of Terrorvision is now (or, was last I heard) installing interactive whiteboards, so it’s not a great leap.

The mighty fall. Geoffrey from Rainbow was a burger flipper in a fast food trailer thing last I heard.

I have an incredible (IMHO) Big Fib, but it’ll take a while to type up so it’ll have to keep.

When I was in the bank, a banknote nerd came in asking questions about new notes. So I told him yeah, they’ve announced the new BoE fiver, it’s going to be Miles Bennett Dyson, the inventor. I’ll keep you back an unused one, if you like.

Off he went to banknotenerdworld.com and told everyone about his exciting scoop from his bank insider. He wasn’t that happy with the result… James Dyson is the inventor best known for his hoovers. Miles Bennett Dyson invented the Terminator.

I say “got away with”, more like “got threatened with gross misconduct for”, but totally worth it.

Harry_the_Spider – Member

Once told a colleague that the former lead singer of Terrorvision was servicing our CNC milling machine.

Madness, you’d not let him near anything so complicated.

Once crashed (well, left the handbrake off and rolled) into my Dad’s car. Big dented panel on his Ford Sierra. Went indoors and said “Dad, did you know someone’s dented your car?” 😀 He never found out.

it’s going to be Miles Bennett Dyson, the inventor.

That’s fantastic.

Where to begin?

New jobs when consultants turn up (PWC like this) and ask the new group to introduce themselves and include 3 facts about themselves. 2 need to be true and 1 a lie.

I’ve been through the this process probably 4 times and I’ve made them all up just to see if I could lead them down the blind alley trap I was laying. Doesn’t always work as I’m not a pathological liar – I just do it to keep me killing the well meaning if massively overpaid PWC people.

I used to be in the French Foreign Legion.
I toured France after the financial crash left me redundant for the 3rd time in 6 months and took a job as a surf instructor for 2 months in Biarritz
I’m a grade 7 violinist
I raced go karts as a teen and came second to Rosburg (his dad obviously)
I was mates with Aphex Twin and one of the tracks (Alberto balsm if questioned) was written on my synth

And other outrageous claims that I can’t remember.

Turns out I actually can fib rather well………..

In primary school all of the top classes of the local schools competed in a country dance festival. My partner was a smelly little girl from the local grotty family. To get out of the festival I told my teacher that my mum said I couldn’t go and I told my mum that my partner couldn’t go. Got away with that for 40 years until my wife, who I had innocently told, blabbed to my mum.

include 3 facts about themselves. 2 need to be true and 1 a lie.

I reckon that might make for a fantastic STW thread.

Got away with that for 40 years until my wife, who I had innocently told, blabbed to my mum.

Schoolboy error there. If you did something bad you just have to suck it up and live with it. Tell no one. If you do, there’s someone else who’s not as invested in keeping that secret and, sooner or later, they’ll tell someone else!

When the cycle to work scheme first came in, I convinced a colleague that he needed to take a cycling proficiency test before he could apply for a bike.

I made a “checklist” and got the boss to go along with it to run the test. We secretly filmed him from the office window whilst he rode up and down the car park outside work, weaving in and out of traffic cones wearing a crap helmet, hi-viz jacket and cycling clips.

One of my proudest moments.

Actually, thinking about it, I did a similar thing when I started my latest job in a tech company.. couple of days in I brought in my laptop, which happened to be the same make/model as company supplied laptops.
As I had an issue setting up the VPN from home..

No one on my team has a company laptop..as we don’t tend to travel enough to justify one.

So I emerge from the IT area with this laptop under my arm, I’m still oblivious at this point, I take my seat and start fiddling on it.

One of my new colleagues pipes up,”oh, got a laptop, have you?”

Still oblivious, and slightly perplexed by the question I reply “erm, yeah?”

Then the penny dropped, some muttering and murmering followed which was highly amusing, some people were saying they should have laptops too.. and thatvit was unfair…I think I let that one ride for about a week until I let slip it was a personal laptop. I’d swan in, in the morning and make a show of plonking my latop bag down…Bwahaha!

I didn’t technically tell any fibs, but it was very funny and a good ice breaker.

Having a relaxing time in a muckysexpond with an ex-girlfriend, I told her that the reason I had incredible wrinkly fingers was because I’d been circumcised and the extra skin had to go somewhere.

That was at least 15 years ago, I have no idea if she still believes it.

I’m not actually a real Panther.

You’re a Perch, right?

My biggest fib?
Not guilty, your honor

I told a doctor on my sailing course that in order to anchor, you had to dive in, swim down, hook anchor in the bottom, swim back up and tie off on front of Wayfarer.

He was stood on foredeck with anchor in one had, rope in other, when his wife at the helm started asking why all the other instructors were either stood on shore watching with the boss, or in safety boat following us, with bosses wife.

After asking a few times about the onlookers, she suddenly clocked what was happening, and stopped him from diving in…. 😡

Not wanting to lose any momentum on the gradient that the lollipop lady had stopped the traffic on, I blatantly barged past her, muttering something about a ‘curfew’ 8)

I once told a girl I was hoping to snog/shag/marry that I was a farrier and that my dad was once a farrier to the queens guards, she was suckered in ! shag was carried out rather disastrously and I scarpered due to an inability to hold my fat due to her rather strong lower section.

the NHS would be £350 million better off a week if we leave europe…

Many years ago, at a previous employer we had a summer party at London Zoo. Private area for a BBQ, behind the scenes tours, the full jobbie. It was glorious. A blisteringly sunny day, everyone in t-shirt order enjoying cold beers.

I had, however, convinced a colleague* that it was a client event. So, best come suited and booted, oh and be sure to bring some promotional materials with you. He arrived dripping with sweat, lugging a rucksack full of promotional brochures etc.

I opened an ice cold beer and offered it to him. I’m not a monster, you know.

*Turned out he later ripped the company off, taking a lot of IP with him. So, perhaps he deserved it.

My daughters (5 and 3), and subsequently many of their friends, think that my prominent BCG scar and a scar on my belly from an op I had as a kid are from a fight I had with a dragon. BCG scar is where he bit me, belly scar from when he whipped me with his tail. Of course I then went on to win the battle.

Mildly pissed at US immigration, asked reason for entering the United States, answered I was representing the UK at the Herring Throwing Competition in Boston. Got away with that. Just.

Convinced my kids there were 5 legged sheep in NZ. They were quite small. Although annoyed to find out this wasn’t the case in their mid teens.

Every day. At work.

I stayed off school for nearly 2 weeks . When I was found out because the headmaster sent my parents a letter asking why I hadn’t been at school I claimed that I was playing Ouija and it said I was going to die at school in the next 3 weeks . The head just gave me a talk about the dangers of messing with spirits and explaining that somebody must have been pushing the glass and let me off . That compensated for the times I was caned for relatively trivial of fences .

In a bid to get some visiting children to eat the food I’d prepared we “exaggerated” how good my mash potato was. In fact, i even got a nick name “samash”. Anyway, one thing led to another and now I’m the world champion mash potato maker. The kids have since told all their friends at school and ask where my trophy is every time they come round. This started about 4 years ago.
I assume at some point they will be old enough and wise enough to call me out on this.

I managed to convince a particularly dim apprentice that Gremlins really exist. Well, that mogwais exist, the gremlin bit was just rubbish made up for the film, obviously. Bred from pandas and koalas for Chinese emperors . I got the whole firm in on it, he believed it for over a week.

Told my wife my Cotic Bfe cost me £500.00
.
It didn’t.

In former job as a maintenance tech told the shift manager that a machine was not working as the flux capacitor was not getting the required 1.21 gigawatts and turning up the power fixed the fault. Made sure I pronounced it as jigawatts too.

On another note…I was in the RAF from 89-95. Met a local girl, (locals hated the RAF) told her I was a dolphin trainer at Sea World in Blackpool. We went out for about 4 weeks with me continuing the story.
She used to introduce me to her friends as a hunky dolphin trainer too.
She used to ask me what dolphin trainers did. I replied, ” feed fish, clean tank” 🙂

Told an employee I was a classically trained opera singer and an Olympic standard high diver. I have no idea why she believed the bollocks.

dolphins…. fish

hnghhhhhh

was she blonde?

Growing up, me and my sister used to help make jelly for Sunday dinners, birthdays etc. Obviously it was left to set in the fridge, and was off limits.
My dad could never resist, always a spoon full, or sometimes only a finger print showing he’d given in to temptation and had a taste, and was therefore not allowed any jelly.

I was in my mid twenties when I found out he can’t stand the stuff, twenty odd years he got out of that one! 😳

I told my wife that our friend Johnny was one of the kids in the chorus of Brick in the wall by Pink Floyd.
(He’s from Essex and about the right age)
She thinks he gets a royalty every time it’s played on the radio..

For a few years I worked with a site manager named Danny who was the most accident prone person I have ever met. He had been a glazier to trade and had suffered a catalogue of horrendous injuries throughout his life, one of which involved him almost being cut in half when a sheet of plate glass he was carrying sliced through his torso front to back on one side just below his ribs, miraculously missing all his major organs. Left a helluva scar though…….

One day, on a site where Danny and I were working together, the site labourer, Rick came hobbling into the office.

“What’s the matter with you?” says I.
“Take a look at this” says Rick, pulling down one side of his trousers and pulling up his T shirt to reveal a huge black bruise down one side of his body. “I fell at the weekend when I was snowboarding”

Sympathy for self inflicted leisure injuries is in extremely short supply on most building sites so my response was predictable.

“MTFU you big pussy”

It was at this point that a moment of inspiration hit me….

“You don’t see Danny whining and poncing about the site and he’s been bitten by a shark”

Rick expressed a degree of disbelief at this revelation.
“A shark? F*** Off!” he opined.

“For Real!” I said and then proceeded to make up a highly embellished tale of how poor Danny had been attached by a Tiger Shark whilst swimming in Australia and the heroic tale of how he gouged out one of its eyes so it would release him and allow him to crawl up the beach to receive medical assistance from helicopter medics.
Bullshit. Every word of it.

Rick was still somewhat incredulous but, at this most opportune moment, Danny walked into the site office.

“Danny, have you been bitten by a shark?” blurts out Rick.

Fair play to Dan, he twigged straight away what was going down.

Without a word he pulled up his shirt to reveal the huge gnarled scar which runs from just under his sternum, follows the line of his ribcage almost all the way around to his spine. Imagine in your head what you think a sharkbite would look like. It’s exactly like that.

“F***in’ ‘ell” says Rick and scurries, slack jawed, out of the office and straight into the site canteen where we could see him animatedly relaying the tale to the assembled troops.

That was in 2007. To this day on every site Danny is running, at least one of the guys working on the site asks him … ” Are you the guy that’s been bitten by the shark?”

I’ve created the urban legend of Danny Sharkbite. Danny is bloody sick of it now. Danny, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry.

I scarpered due to an inability to hold my fat due to her rather strong lower section.

Spat whisky all over iPad, brilliant!

Yes darling, that is the same bike I’ve had for the past two years. It’s blue, don’t you remember?

Worked twice that one 😉

Oh, and “I won the frame in a competition” (dialled alpine that one).