PSA: Five Live discussing male depression and suicide today

Suicide is the main cause of death in men below 50. Someone kills themselves every 90 minutes

To mark this, Five Live are running a series of features and interviews every 90 minutes throughout the course of the day

We're discussing suicide this morning. Many thanks for your messages already – so many of you have been affected by this. Let's keep talking. @bbc5live https://t.co/TDhWJTzbq6

— Rachel Burden (@rachelburden) March 19, 2019

I’ve been quite open about my own struggles with depression and have received an immense amount of support from people on here who all seem equally as open about their own personal battles.

The features so far have been thoughtful, sensitively handled and interesting

We need to open out this subject more, treat it as an illness and remove the stigma that it sonehow equates to failure.

Well worth a listen….

i am glad that depression and suicide are slowly becoming discussed more, it used to be something to be ashamed of or to not talk about (and i lost two friends from Army days to suicide and another old school mate, all in their 20’s and 30’s).

I hope that with time, anxiety, depression and the like will be discussed in the same terms as a headache or a broken bone.

Well worth a listen….

I think a few people on here should.

There’s quite a few left STW because of the continuing piss taking or referencing at their expense which effects a lot of people, with me likely to be the next to go TBH.   I appreciate the program isn’t solely focussed on internet threads but consistency in unabated piss taking on here can be very distasteful and have a mental affect.

I feel I’ve done a lot to help myself, but this other factor isn’t recognised by the mods – they probably don’t have time.  Its a shame, this can be a very supporting place to be as the OP alludes, but not always and these people are constantly back after their bans with the same behaviour.

Anyway, I have a family and relatively decent life to focus in, so will walk away from the cheap faceless punches.  Not everyone can – watch the program.

I agree with @kryton57. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about this weekend but If I say anymore I’ll be accused of being a drama queen and attention seeking.

“There’s quite a few left STW because of the continuing piss taking or referencing at their expense which effects a lot of people, with me likely to be the next to go TBH. I appreciate the program isn’t solely focussed on internet threads but consistency in unabated piss taking on here can be very distasteful and have a mental affect.”

I think this is a very good point. What was the name of the chap who ran a small scale bike bearing company who posted on here a few years back – ktech or Kzee or similar.

I remember he had some, shall we say alternative views, but was constantly ridiculed on this forum. Until that is someone went on to post his obituary after he had committed suicide.

Let’s just be nice to one another eh?

I am really struggling at the moment, and have been for a few months. Depression and anxiety are really taking a hold of me, i hate it. I have gone from someone really outgoing that would speak to anyone to a recluse that won’t speak to anyone or leave the house unless I really have to. A number of things make up these feelings, I know what they are but can’t do anything about it at the moment.

I had loads of suicidal thoughts after Lyanda passed away, they have reduced but still occasionally have them. The only thing that gets me through each day at the moment is the kids. If I’m not there for them, what would happen? I hit the point of not being scared to talk about it, online at least. It is scary and it is real. I’m glad I have STW as an outlet, hate to think what could have happened if I didn’t have anywhere to turn to in desperate times of need.

I think we’ll all join together in sending you a big group hug gnusmas. Stay strong brother. A lot of us are with you in spirit. And if you ever need to talk, just give me a shout

It’s taken far too long for people to be open and others accepting mental illness can effect us all. Sadly it’s still difficult for men to come forward as it’s seen as weakness. Slowly the stigma is lifting allow people to open up and look for help.

Over the last 10yrs in my industry this topic has become part of your yearly 1-1. It hasn’t eradicated the issue at all, but it’s far less prevalent than it was in the early 00’s where we’d all burnout at some point..

My mates just gone off with stress, his business revolves around service supply/nternet business generation… he’s off for 5weeks having cleared down the vitriol on Facebook..

Guess what… being suicidal sucks; trust me, I’ve been there, but no matter what, there’s always hope.

There’s any number of reasons that might drive you to the brink, for example; abuse (be it verbal, physical, sexual or emotional) bullying, peer pressure, gaslighting, betrayal, blackmail, shame, shattered dreams, exploitation, sleep deprivation etc.

What it all adds up to is an extreme sensation of alienation and loneliness, devoid of hope or reason to live.

Whilst a lot of the factors involved (and no doubt a lot of suicides) can be attributed to nasty bastards and cruel bitches, I wouldn’t wish the darkness of despair and pain that accompanies attempting suicide on anyone.

The real lesson here is that you never know what someone has been through, or is going through, so be kind goddamn it; compassion and understanding can go a long way to making the world a better place.

I’m currently recovering from learning that a close colleague killed himself on the 4th of March, he was 28. No one knew of his struggles. I was going to post earlier about it on this forum about dealing with it but haven’t had the mental energy. It has been a life changing experience and i can only reflect the notion above that many affected are not alone. My heart is aching right now, but the only thing i want to say is that you are never alone.

please seek comfort, your life is never worthless or not worth living for. Talking is the cure. Sorry for the addition here, but this is now becoming a part of my life that i want to help others with. I don’t know how yet but need to help others. Its the only good that can come of this. Take care of one another.

Also, would it be possible for STW to have a sticky thread about this on the boards?- its striking how many are affected. It might make the difference.

I’ll be accused of being a drama queen and attention seeking.

I’m prepared for the same.  I’m quite happy to quote it here, with a “See?” comment, report it to the mods and walk away from STW.

Its a really shame because on many levels its a valuable resource where you can give, and receive many bits of useful advice.

Nickhit3 – I’m sorry for your loss.  4th March was my Birthday so I remember the date well.

As above really, talk to other people – there is a life outside STW and life is hard but there are some good people around.  Take perspective of whats around you and remember the faceless posters the choose to pick on people here are likely the ones who have much poorer lives than we do.

I’d encourage people to write it here, get it off your chest.

I’d agree with that ^^ get it off your chest.

We are anonymous on here, if you need to, go create a new log in as a pseudonym even.

My cousin committed suicide in his late 30’s. There were factors leading up to it, and things did actually change for the better for him.. didn’t stop him though 🥴

I’m not anonymous.
I’m coming out. I’m suffering from and being treated for anxiety and depression. The cause is my job. Which means it’s this place. It’s the constant battle to make this place work enough to pay 11 salaries and at the same time provide something that works for everyone who uses it. This has made me ill enough to seek help and treatment. Just doing that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’m lucky and I am getting support. But if you are struggling too then please speak to someone – it’s remarkable how much relief you get from just talking about what is going on inside. And if it helps to stay away from here then do that too. That is a part of my own treatment and recovery – a tad ironic but there you go.

Agree with all the above.
Any fool can handle a crisis like a war but it takes heroism to get through the day to day stuff.

It’s trite and easy because as (mainly) blokes we need it to be easy!

Which means it’s this place. It’s the constant battle to make this place work enough to pay 11 salaries and at the same time provide something that works for everyone who uses it. This has made me ill enough to seek help and treatment.

Quite probably one of the most sobering things I’ve read on here.
Well done for saying that Mark. I’m going to be doing my best not to introduce any more hassle in your day to day routine.

Respect.

John

If you’ve not listened to the Five Live stuff, then its worth getting on BBC Sounds. Nihal Arthanayake has the whole programme and theres sone truly inspiring stuff on there. If you can, give it a listen. Hats off to the BBC for doing this. We need to detatch this stigma of failure from depression

I never thought I’d say this a while back, but another person who’s been absolutely inspiring on this front is Tyson Fury. If you’ve not seen his press conference, give this a watch….

You’ll be hard pushed to find wiser words than that

So many people with depression manage to live an entirely different life on the outside to the way they feel inside. Asking for help can be the hardest step to take, admitting that things aren’t OK, that it’s not normal to feel like this. I’ve been through it, decades of putting on a show while my inner assassin gathered ammunition to use against me.

I had a final straw that broke me, leaving me incapable of carrying on but even then I didn’t understand that I was mentally ill. When the penny finally dropped it hit me hard but was also a revaluation, that there was something to tie my life together.

Its a long hard struggle to get out of the dark places, and everyone’s path will be different. I’m not claiming to be cured as I will always have certain personality traits but I can now recognise the inner assassin for what it is, and defuse its attacks before they drag me down.

So if you’re suffering then post up. Sure there will be dicks who just tell you to pull yourself together, or playground bullies who call you names. They are the lucky ones who’ve never had to face the same things as you, have never felt that the world would be better without them, who have never lost a friend because they couldn’t really talk about how they were feeling. Just tell those dicks that you hope they never have to understand what those things feel like.

Not a Tyson Fury fan, but I do admire his comeback and he’s opened up a discussion that was never there for men and if he saves one life by making it ok to say “you’re not doing ok” then I applaud him.

I’ll be open about it, a black dog follows me around most days if not all, I genuinely can’t remember a day when I was happy, and if I was happy, i was waiting for the sky to fall in or analyzing my happiness until I wasn’t happy anymore. Wife, kid, half descent job, car, house, dog, bike, guitar – all of it causes me anxiety when it shouldn’t, and I’m pretty sure they’re not what’s wrong, how could they be. But, I function, i bumble through and get on with it and maybe one day it will change and I’ll forget what it was like to be unhappy.

I rarely post here any more, for various reasons, but mostly because it shifted from feeling like a community to just being a playground for bullies.

I have a long history of depression, that I’ve mostly kept quiet about (apart from the 6 months in 1999 that i was incapable of doing just about anything), but recently have recognised that anxiety has a firm grip on me. all sorts of contributing factors, some here, some work related, some personal life and some just brain chemistry i think. it’s a very self-perpetuating state that i’m in at the moment, i know what’s likely to help but actually getting there and doing it seems physically impossible right now.

i do know that i need to ride my bike(s) more.

we’re definitely not alone, even though most if the time it feels like i am. i don’t really know where i’m going with this, other than just to put it out there. life is hard, some of us feel it harder than others and a few of us find it entirely too hard to deal with, and we need to all try to change that. we can start by just being nice, for sure.

mark, i’m sorry you’re fighting that battle. i can imagine it must be very tough- do what you need to do to look after you first and foremost.

Yes it’s very good that this can be talked about. How many have gone through mental agony not even knowing what it was or is. They say that when you reach rock bottom, then, there is only one way… it has to be UP. As a bit of a Buddhist there is always, always, the question: will suicide solve anything ? You have to know this, it does not end there… you just have to know 2 things (well, there may be a thousand and two):
1) it is ALWAYS changing
2) cling on, cling on, NO SURRENDER

it is always changing. You may be having a shit time for years, but somehow you have to realise that it never stands still.

Inherently our spirits know that life here (in the physical world we know and love), as the Dalai Lama said many years ago on an early visit to England, when asked what he thought of life here: “many facilities for good living, but (tapping his head) something not right here…”

It is a strange place when your senses open up to the truth of it…everbody is being consumed, if not by other creatures (as most creatures are) but by time and ageing- and that’s a bit frightening.

But to come to terms with this requires bravery…and coming to know that there is also joy in battling with all this, and coming through it
(Sorry for going on so long, but a spark was triggered)

Thanks for the heads up. I will have a listen to these.

I have posted on STW a few times. I have been suffering with anxiety and none of my family know, only my partner, the reason being ‘I am ashamed of it’. I am embarrassed to talk about it’.

I know it shouldnt be like that and that it should be talked about and in the open, but its hard. The result is that the head just fills up with all sorts of emotions and feelings, cycling and the great outdoors are the only way for me to manage it.

This is the really hard bit, but sometimes the release doesnt happen and that means I end up in the bathroom with the door locked and I just cry, almost sob to get it all out.

All this does is fuel the feelings of lonliness and isolation that anxiety causes. This isnt trolling or attention seeking, its real and its difficult to process it all sometimes……

I wasnt sure if I should post any of this up or not…but last week I had a meltdown, I just became overwhelmed with it all and outloud to my girlfriend I said that I didnt want to go on living like this everyday, for me that was almost at rockbottom 🙁

So many people pay lip service to depression, how many times have people said talk about it? Or if you need me…

How many have actually responded to someone needing help when they need it? Or have you turned your back, claiming you were busy?

I’ve went to the Dr but couldn’t get medication without self sectioning as I’m autistic, I’m 2yrs into a 18mth waiting list for specialist help and I tried speaking to friends but they’ve been busy for the last year. I didn’t think I could feel any worse, then I tried the Internet.

There are some beautiful souls out there, who reach out but it’s not their responsibility to pick up the pieces after people have been shredded, which is often the ones who are “too kind”  in the first place. If you see someone has a weakness, don’t weaponise it and turn it against them. Be a random act of kindness, your intervention may give someone hope

I’m not anonymous.
I’m coming out. I’m suffering from and being treated for anxiety and depression. The cause is my job. Which means it’s this place. It’s the constant battle to make this place work enough to pay 11 salaries and at the same time provide something that works for everyone who uses it. This has made me ill enough to seek help and treatment. Just doing that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’m lucky and I am getting support. But if you are struggling too then please speak to someone – it’s remarkable how much relief you get from just talking about what is going on inside. And if it helps to stay away from here then do that too. That is a part of my own treatment and recovery – a tad ironic but there you go.

Looking after the employment and wellbeing of others is a tough gig. Although I never employed people in my own business, I have led close-knit and committed teams in difficult circumstances and toxic environments. It’s one of the hardest things to do and stay well.

Also, JHJ+1

Hey Mounty_73 – you should have posted and you’ve been very brave to do so.   I hesitated a very long time to post up a fear of flying thread and admitting I was scared to fly because whenever it happens the same ‘ol jokes and sniggers roll out.

However, I felt relieved when I did,  I felt relieved when I had my first few sessions of CBT for it, which revealed my anxiety’s were life-habits not just flying based, and in the year I’ve been going, its really helped and had genuinely changed the person I’ve been for over 30 years.  But the starting point was to admit it, and not battling on trying to hide it.

It takes practise every day.  Recently lots of things have colluded to make me feel depressed and I fell victim to that  early this week hence my entry to this thread.   But, as I boarded an earlier than expected train home from Cardiff > London this afternoon, I felt an overwhelming thought that I could get home, and spend a few hours with my kids today that I wouldn’t have if my Cardiff based meeting hadn’t ended early.   And that has triggered my CBT learnings; its reminded me that I’m not unique in my sadness, other peoples issues and opinions of me are not always my own making, I slowed down and didn’t rush my journey home, and I still go the correct connections, and as I sit year typing on the kitchen bar and look around me… nothing disastrous is happening to me right now…  right now being the key.

And thats it, laptop off.

Kryton the working peripatetic dad is a tough gig. Been there and got broken after 3 years. If you can see the good side you’re doing better than I managed. (That I’m still alive and still married is  my success).

How many have actually responded to someone needing help when they need it? Or have you turned your back, claiming you were busy?

Not me.

The 5 Live stuff has been moving and uplifting.

I’ve worked in some pretty macho cultures and no-one benefits. I walked out of my last job because of it and the impact it was having on me.
I am fortunatee enough to be financially and domestically in a position to do that when so many others aren’t.

I don’t have the problems that others have posted on this and other threads – but I really don’t think it wouldn’t take more than a couple of different turns for any of us to be there.

I try to be conscious and conscientious of others and hopefully others will reciprocate.

Be kind

Other than the GP, who else can I/we talk to?

Be kind to people, its not that hard.

For someone other than your GP to talk to

thanks to sv on the other thread

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/TherapistsDirectory BACP

there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Depression can just be bad brain chemistry. I suffered for years with bipolar without even realising it, until I paid and went private. Bipolar led to depression for a bit as well. Now I take mood stabilisers and feel great every day. Never in a bad mood, and I feel protected from developing depression again touch wood. Mine depression was also made worst be having aspergers and adhd and not knowing about them, just a feeling of getting burnt out. Again sorted out privately. Best money I have ever spent. Now I take adhd meds too and feel great.

Other than the GP, who else can I/we talk to?

My local MIND had a depression group that I used to go along to. You can share anything there without judgement or risk, and it was actually amazing how much a group of depressed people can laugh with each other.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds

So I don’t have depression, am in a situation that not going to improve and can see no way it is going to not get much worse. For me, ending it is a rational choice considering the alternatives.
My fault not anyone else’s, nobody got hurt. No children were involved. Basically it is just time to knock it on the head. No depression just sadness at a few things I’ll miss. Things you may notice, not people,the people have all gone over the last few years.

So I don’t have depression, am in a situation that not going to improve and can see no way it is going to not get much worse. For me, ending it is a rational choice considering the alternatives.
My fault not anyone else’s, nobody got hurt. No children were involved. Basically it is just time to knock it on the head. No depression just sadness at a few things I’ll miss. Things you may notice, not people,the people have all gone over the last few years.

John, why not have a chat with someone, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel that you can’t see just now but it will be there. Someone else may help you see it.

Definitely John! I know you’re a big music fan – listen to some sounds! Music gets me through loads of shit… and there’s no way I’m going anywhere until I’ve heard all the music ever released! Surely there’s some you missed?!

I’ve been suicidal before, I’ve looked in to the best way to do it; I’ve driven stupidly in away that I’d be happy to have crashed, and I’ve self harmed. I’m struggling with depression on and off right now largely due to ongoing health issues, not feeling suicidal, but just a depth of loss and despair at times. And at the same time trying to carry on as if outwardly nothing is wrong at work and home and its bloody exhausting.

Its a shit place to be in no doubt about it, but some one to talk to outside my family really helps and in the past I’ve had both private counselling, CBT through my GP and anti-depressants. I’ve got a couple of good friends which helps, but then you worry about souring a friendship with it all, so if you can afford private counselling its worth it, if not grab what’s on offer at GPs or people who are happy to talk on here. Just don’t suffer alone and unnecessarily.

I’m better at managing it now, but it doesn’t take a lot for the black dog to come circling as its been a long road of two steps forward and one back, but always going forward.

Just seen this ad awareness campaign video. Straight and to the point, I think its really good.

Major factor in my life. Which is nice…

Meds helped but I’m off them and have been for a while but its always there like a malignant shadow.

One thing I have noticed is quiet often it’s gobby and loud people who seem to either be most affected or most likely to mask it and externally look ok and to be happy.

Riding helps. As does just generally being outside. But it’s never been quite enough to fully banish it.

@mounty_73 try http://www.thecalmzone.net 0800 585858