And Edward Woodward is the only man with three wooden heads.

“Edward Woodward? Sounds like a fart in the bath”
John Gielgud

WorldClassAccident

Bloke to ugly woman – Did you used to be a man?
Reply – No, did you?

That would also be taken from Aliens, between Hicks(?) and Vasquez. Who is hot.

Hicks – Hey Vasquez; have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez – No, have you?

Laurel & Hardy, “Sons of the Desert”

Oli has a fever and chills and sits with his feet in a hot bath while Stan takes his temperature with what he thinks it a thermometer:

Oli: “Well! What does it say?”

.
.
.
.
.

Stan (looking puzzled): “Wet and windy”

Another one from the boys:

Stan in ‘Brats’:

‘You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead!’

“It’s been emotional.”

Blazing Saddles – the entire movie!

Shooter McGavin: “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast”

Happy Gilmore: “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast??”

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xDQ9Jb8Gws[/video]

“what from here”

Biscuit Pwered, that’s one of my all time favourites.

Morecambe and Wise:

“I’m playing all the right notes…….just not necessarily in the right order”.

Churchill – you’re drunk.

Yes, and you’re ugly but at least I will be sober in the morning.

Recently bereaved work colleague about 3 minutes ago:

“I can’t go to that meeting on the 5th of November as my gran is being cremated”

They say there’s safety in numbers… tell that to 6 million j…

John Lennon (on being asked whether Ringo was the best drummer in the world) –

“he’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles!”

There’s ‘didhead’, ‘dalendless shid’, and if the rumours are to be believed, you’re back on the ‘boddle’.

“you gonna pull those pistols or whistle dixie”

“Fancy a cup of tea, Ern ?”

Oh, and “Favourite comedy one-liners”. The clue’s in the title. 😉

The Anti-Santa?

Unintentional comedy classic from George Bush ;

The trouble with the French is that they have no word for Entrepreneur

MF.

Love the Churchill line.
😉

5th Element.
apartment search, everyone put there hands in the yellow circles while the cops scan you.

Cop:
Sir? Are you a human?

Lead character:
No, I’m a meat popsicle.

No Princess Bride yet? For shame.

“What about the ROUSes?”

“Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist- ” *RAWR* *thud* “argh!”

In terms of sight gags, the rake scene in Cape Feare has to be The Simpsons’ finest moment. I was literally crying the first time I saw that, had to stop the tape.

Cougar – quick trivia on that scene… the episode came up short. Bob was only meant to tread on one rake but they extended it to make it fit the normal episode length, inadvertently creating a classic.

Jimmy Carr:

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’d all prefer to see a pregnant lady stood up on a bus, than a fat lady sat down, crying.

And my favourite ‘live adlib one liner’ was Frank Skinner from years ago. Some lad in the front row is sat there in his jacket and cap, FS asks him if he’s not staying? Lad removes his hat to show his bald head, obviously the effects of cancer treatment. Audience is stunned, until FS replies ‘still, at least you’ve got a free trip to Disneyland to look forward to’. And while the audience was choking with the audacity of it, THAT’S when he actually bent down and off mike apologised for the original comment.

Another oldie

German U-boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.
Captain Mainwaring: You can write what you like, You’re not going to win the war!
U-boat Captain: Oh yes we are.
Mainwaring: Oh no you’re not.
U-boat Captain: Oh yes we are!
Pvt. Pike: [Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he’s half-barmy, so’s his army, whistle while you work!
U-boat Captain: Your name will also go on the list! What is it?
Mainwaring: Don’t tell him Pike!
U-boat Captain: Pike!

Prison Dr… “Any Homosexual tendencies?”

Norman Stanley… “What with these feet!”

“Your only supposed to blow the bl@@dy doors off!!”

quick trivia on that scene…

Hah, ace. (-:

Billy Connolly to a heckler:

“you should get an agent pal. Why sit the dark handling yoursel??” 😆

Not quite a one line liner but simon day (in character) on tiger woods.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrFa51JU3sM&feature=youtube_gdata_player[/video]

@mastiles_fanylion

Don’t call me Shirley…

Driving towards Glasgow from Loch Lomond a few years’ ago, I pointed out of the car to the famous rock climbing crag and said “Dumbarton Rocks.” She obviously didn’t see me point, as her response was: “Does it?”

I’M 37?!?!?

From Jimmy Carr the other night;

“Don’t tell me how to do my job – do I come to your work and knock the sailors’ cocks out of your mouth?!”

I like my women like I like my coffee…. Covered in Bees!

Awful!

I like my women like I like my coffee…. Covered in Bees!

… in a plastic cup.