One of my faves from Red Dwarf:

“Go to red alert!”
“Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb”

From absolutely fabulous many years ago:

Saffy: Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.
Edina: Yeah? I though that it was talking to you.

Richard Rich: [on phone] Hello, Filthy Ralph, what do you want, got me any work? Listen, I’m jaded with the tired, shallow world of TV light entertainment. I yearn to thread the boards again. I fancy Shakespeare.
Edward Catflap: [listenening in on the other line] Which considering he’s a bloke and dead, makes you a homosexual necrophiliac.

Ghostbusters, Bill Murray “OK, so she’s a dog” about sigourney weaver being the ahem gate keeper…..

I was in tears the first time I watched Raising Arizona:

Evelle: [about the balloons he just bought] These blow up into funny shapes and all?
Grocer: Well no… unless round is funny.

(Has to be done in the accent really!)

The two ronnies-“Fork handles”
Thread closed.

“Never pour water on a chip pan fire, it’ll take your face off”

AbFab:

Edina: “Inside me there is a thin person trying to get out!”
Mother: “Just the one, dear?”

😀

HAce you got the scrolls?
No, it’s just the way I walk

In fact, just about anything from Morecambe & Wise

Bloke to ugly woman – Did you used to be a man?
Reply – No, did you?

My favourite. Its a visual gag:

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhyCL-ELRxg[/video]

Peter Sellers is standing at the front desk of a hotel and sees a dog lying by the front door.

Clouseau: “Does your dog bite?”

Hotel clerk: “Non”

Clouseau bends down to pet the dog; it growls and then bites him.

Clouseau: “Aaargh, I thought that you said your dog does not bite!”

Hotel clerk: “Oui, monsieur, but that is not my dog.”

Airplane/Naked Gun is the motherlode of one-liners.

Surely you can’t be serious

Not really a one liner but the “teaching Baldrick mathematics” part of Blackadder II is genius:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K71MckOTt1M

Another Blackadder one:
“But this is sort of a war isn’t it?”
“Yes, there was one *tiny* flaw in the plan”
“Really sir, what was that?
“It was bollocks

Needs the Blackadder delivery to make it work.

Smell my cheese you mother

Another Blackadder that still has me giggling:

“I have the preliminary etchings”

As good as it gets, has a few:

Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you

Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City ‘Sailor wanna hump-hump’ bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey?.
Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here

😉

anything pretty much from see no evil, hear no evil has me chuckling

yes, im really blind man what are you f*****g deaf? YES,? I’M F*****G DEAF!![/i]

The Young Ones, scene in a church yard.

“Do you dig graves?”
“Yeah, yeah, they’re allright, yeah”

eric morcambe climbs out of bed. walks over to the window and while shutting it an ambulance goes past with its sirens on. he turns to ernie wise and says
“he won’t sell many ice creams at that speed”

im laughing at it while writing it down.

anything pretty much from see no evil, hear no evil has me chuckling

yes, im really blind man what are you f*****g deaf? YES,? I’M F*****G DEAF!!

Fuzzy wuzzy was a woman?

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

John Belushi in Animal House.

“You f##ked up, you trusted us.”

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can’t tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I’m a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I’m just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can’t you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can’t take a guess for another two hours?

From Ghostbusters

– And it was all OK until dickless here turned the machine off
– Is this true?
Bill Murray – Yes. This man has no dick.

I missed the next 10 mins of the film when I forst saw it! 😀

A plan so cunning you can brush your teeth with it

Some people on here can’t count 😉

He’s not the messiah. He’s a very naughty boy.

I’m being beaten up by the inventor of the dictionary.

“I’ve got the key to the gates of paradise; but I’ve got too many legs!”

Just me?

oh.

I got stung by a bee the other day…
£9 for a jar of honey

Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?

Hancock’s half hour.

And of course Tony Hancock is the only person to be named after four body parts.

And of course Tony Hancock is the only person to be named after four body parts.

And Edward Woodward is the only man with three wooden heads.

Thanks Bridesmaid, like the beard. It gives me something to hang on to!

Don’t disturb my friend. Hes dead tired.

Sally, you know when I said I’d kill you last?

(yeah you did Major)

I lied.

Airplane:

Air Hostess: How do you like your coffee Sister?

Nun: strong and black, like my men

Where is he?

I let him go.