Explaining death to 4yr olds

My mother has been diagnosed with an aggressive Cancer, found out in August and I think Xmas will be touch and go. I live 200 miles away and plan to visit numerous times over the autumn, I’m calling every other day at the moment.

I have 4.5yr old twins and have been thinking about how to handle this, either taking them up so my mother can see them one last time, but I’m also conscious they don’t understand death, and I don’t want them to have lasting memories of my mum sick in bed, I’d rather them keep the memories they have now.

Current thinking is to explain death around catapillers, butterfly’s and the cycle of life but use the word death, dying I think they’ll get that, then introduce the situation of my mum.

I’m also thinking of just having calls with them and my mum, one will Ask nonstop questions and the other is quite emotional so will get upset, I’m thinking this might be the best way to give some good last memories for all, being there could be too much.

First time I’ve lost a lived one, I’m ok, it’s kind of hit me as a wave, my concentration is all over the place and I’ve become short with my lads, it’s just set in and axe me super anxious so trying to deal with everything in the best way really

Barnardos have a good resource for do’s and don’ts.
Google:
“How to explain
death to children
and young
people and help
them cope!”

Personally I’d keep it real and factual but age appropriate, no “gone to sleep” talk as that’s confusing and can scare kids that they’ll maybe die if they go to sleep. It’s ok for them to see you upset, it’ll give them the ability to grieve when you die.

It’s such a taboo, normalise it nicely.

Yeah I’ve done some quick searches and read the advice about keeping it true, using real words.

Just wondering if they’re was any real life examples that worked well, e.g my catapiller theme.

Winston’s Wish Homepage

Be matter of fact about it with them. Children do not process grief like adults. Do not say she is going to sleep, but do explain that death is permanent and there will come a time when she will not be there. Children are robust things. That’s been mine and my family’s experience over two generations, sadly.

And be sure to take some time for yourself with your mother. In my case I was able to drop everything for her last few weeks. My children were older though, and the youngest never got to say goodbye due to GCSE’s.

I’ll get flamed for this, but at that age, and I’m going to generalise on your ethnicity and beliefs, but a mix of the factual (when your body becomes too poorly it stops working and eventually you die) and the spiritual (go to heaven where we can’t see them but they will live for ever there as we remember them) was my approach.

As they got older then you can explain the ‘lie’ to them – but is it really a lie? My Mum died almost exactly a year ago (she fell a year ago today and never recovered) but lives on in my memories, in my ethics, in my desire to be as kind and fair as I can be to others. Is that A definition of living on ‘in heaven’ that she’s somewhere inside me? The concept isn’t the issue, it’s the definition.

I’m actually going through this right now myself. 4.5 year old kid, senior family member been ill for quite some time and recently passed. We also had a beloved family dog die quite suddenly last year, had a heart attack when the kid was around. It’s been an interesting process.

First up, the kid realised that the dog wasn’t coming back. She subsequently started telling me (a few days later) that the dog had died – I think she’d gone into school and been talking about it and they’d been explaining about it. She didn’t seem too upset, really, just very matter of fact.

Then with the family member, she’s understood for quite some time that they’ve not been well, and need a chair, and so on. And has been talking a bit about when they die, and so on. Tbh, she’s been talking about when I die, which is a little disconcerting – but clearly it’s quite matter of fact to her, and she has a different way of processing it.

I’ve avoided immersing her in the rest of the family’s grieving process, and she won’t go to the funeral, because I don’t want her to have to take on all that; but in terms of the dying part, she’s actuallty kinda OK with it. I don’t really understand it myself but I’m very happy that she’s taking it all on board OK

we had similar, albeit a little younger (3.5 year old and a 1 year old when their grandmother died).

All kids are different and react very differently to it. Ours are very matter-of-fact and found it easy to process, and not particularly sad (I don’t think they really conceive the enormity of it all). We had a few story books that were losely around death, which were nice to read to them to give a different perspective –

Duck death and the tulip

Badgers parting gifts

I think there are likley to be a bunch more, but we found those ones good.

If your mother is fairly “well” (as in, can sit in a chair, interact with people) then I’d take them up to see her. If she’s extremely frail then play it by ear. Our kids saw their great grandmother (who was 96, in a home, but able to sit and talk) 3 days before she died, and it didn’t do them any harm at all – they understood they’d have to be gentle around her, and didn’t stay too long (30 mins maybe?).

Thanks.

We were driving to the swimming pool yesterday, I had to brake suddenly (no one behind) as a squirrel nearly ran under the wheel – currently they think a vet or Dr is all you need and everything’s fine!

But thanks for the advice, kind of scared of breaking them

I think the standard thing here is recommend Macmillan. They have excellent resources and will be really useful.

But thanks for the advice, kind of scared of breaking them

Of all the things to worry about, I think you can take this one off your list. Young children are pretty resilient little things.

For what it’s worth my experience has been similar to other posters, I’ve found my 5 year old to be very matter of fact about death. No point dancing around it, as being anything other than truthful will just lead to confusion now and follow up awkward questions later.

Oh mate, I feel this.

Explaining this to my at the time almost 4 year old the morning after my mum died was the hardest thing I have ever done. Like many have suggested above we opted for a simple, factual and direct approach. It was nobody’s fault, but final and she’s not coming back.

Its bad enough typing this up almost two years later, it was hellish at the time.

Best wishes for when the time comes.

We’ve just been through this with my 5 year old. Has papa died after a long illness and we were just honest with him. Told him papa was very ill and his body had stopped working. We’re non religious and explained that he was gone and we wouldn’t see him again, but we won’t forget him and will always remember him. He’s been quite matter of fact about it. Didn’t take him to the funeral but did take him to the funeral tea afterwards. We explained it was a party to remember papa, where we could all tell stories about him. He was excited to be able to tell people his story about papa. I think it’s important to involve the kids in the grieving process. He was fine at the wake and afterwards asked if we’d ever see papa again. When I said no, he was a bit sad and said he wished he could give him one last hug. That was short lived and he was back to normal quickly. Kids are very resilient.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/childrens-understanding-of-death-at-different-ages

Thanks for the advice, I’m pretty resilient but I’ll be welling up when I’m explaining this, some great pointers, thanks all.

Of all the things to worry about, I think you can take this one off your list. Young children are pretty resilient little things.

Very much this, lost my mum when my boys were 5, 8 & 10 and having  been a single dad she’d been quite involved in their little lives. Certainly hasn’t done them any lasting harm, despite me not paying any particular attention to their well being at the time.

Firstly: I’m sorry to hear this.  I lost my mum last year and if I’m honest I’m still dealing with it over a year later.  You say you’re OK and that may be true now but she’s not gone yet.  My mum fell ill in March and died in August so I had time to prepare and it still hit me like a bus when I got the “you’d better come quickly” phone call.

Secondly: This is going to sound harsh but it is really important – look after yourself before worrying about others.  I’ve said this many times on here now, but something someone once said to me has always stuck with me, “if you fall over you’re of no use to anyone else.”  Take time off work.  Do not feel guilty about taking time off work.

Thirdly: I reject the narrative that goes “I never got to say goodbye” or “I never told them how I feel.”  If they don’t know by now, you’ve left it a bit late.  When I got to the home for the final time, too late, they asked “do you want to see the body?” and my response was broadly “you must be ****ing joking” because I absolutely did not want that to be my lasting memory of my mother.  But, I’m not you and we all deal differently, there is no “right” way to grieve.

Fourthly: #IAmNotAParent but from what I understand of these things, young kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.  They’ll deal better than you expect, but they will be taking their lead from you.  I’ve seen kids fall over and not cry until their parents turn it into a big drama and they suddenly realise there’s something to cry about and burst into tears.  I don’t know where I’m going with this, maybe you need to put on a strong front for them, maybe the lesson is “it’s OK to cry when you’re sad,” IDK.

Lastly: I’d just be honest with them.  I wouldn’t start talking about heaven (as a confirmed atheist) but there’s ways of spinning it.  I saw a cartoon strip a little while ago, to paraphrase, “Can you still hear her voice?  Can you still picture her face?  Can you still feel her in your heart?  Well, she’s not gone then, has she.”

Dusty in here.

I wouldn’t start talking about heaven (as a confirmed atheist) but there’s ways of spinning it.  I saw a cartoon strip a little while ago, to paraphrase, “Can you still hear her voice?  Can you still picture her face?  Can you still feel her in your heart?  Well, she’s not gone then, has she.”

Yeh, that’s what I was trying to convey. Is it a place in the clouds ruled over by God (or other deity) – not for me. Is it a place where they’ll forever be remembered, etc. Absolutely. But to a 4 year old, trying to explain that is hard, and maybe ‘heaven’ is good enough for now, you can colour the details in later.

When I said no, he was a bit sad and said he wished he could give him one last hug

Aw man, I have a teams call in ten minutes.

Sorry to hear of the diagnosis. I can still hear my sons cry from when we had to tell him my dad had died. He was 6 and adored him. Daughter was only 3 so didn’t really understand.

His school had some books they gave us that dealt with death/grief.  A friend recommended not talking about heaven as in “sitting on a cloud”. They did to their kids after a grandparent died and the first time they were on an aeroplane afterwards their kids were looking for their grandmother and got upset.

Macmillan are brilliant for help with this

In my (albeit limited) experience children at that age are far better at coping with grief than you will be.  Are you alone? or do you have a partner?  In some ways it may be easier for your partner to explain it than you – she can discuss with them the fact “daddy will be upset”.

In your shoes I probably would take the kids to see her, but I probably wouldn’t leave it until she’s in a hospice or whatever at the end.

Show them Watership Down.

Best ‘kids’ film explaining the fragility of life and the inevitability of death there is.

Wheny Dad died a couple years ago my youngest was a similar. Both her and her sister were sad they hadn’t seen him for a while (hospitals were still being strict about COVID, even I couldn’t visit him) so I would say if she is able to talk to them it might be worth a visit.

They also took, and still take, great comfort in a book called “The invisible string”. Unfortunately my kids have had to cope death that I would expect by their age and it’s a really nice book about the feeling of love continuing even when people are no longer around

Kids are very strange creatures as I have found out having dealt with them within grief for a few years now. They are very resilient and will jump from one emotion to the other with no warning. I was not prepared in the slightest for them to go from bawling their eyes out one second to happily playing the next. It made me think they didn’t understand what I was saying but realised they will process information differently to an adult and can probably only do a bit at a time. The kids were 9, 5 and 3 when their mum (my wife) passed away and I was dropped in the middle of all the turmoil with no idea of what to do or how to do anything. I was able to explain to my 9 year old reasonably well and my 3 year old was too young to understand what was going on. However my 5 year old was in the awkward bit in the middle, knowing but not fully understanding what had happened or was going on.

I just tried to explain to them all individually in a way they would understand and it worked as well as it could under the circumstances. From my experiences, I wouldn’t be too blunt but try to explain it in simple terms they might understand and let them ask questions. I found it easier to be guided by them so they don’t have too much to take in at once. 6 years on and i’m still getting questions from them all as they grow up and understand things a bit more. There are some really good books to help with this too, some have activity pages to help them write about things too. They’ve all got memory boxes too that they’ve put things in and still add to it from time to time, drawings, pictures, pebbles etc, anything they want to put in there really. I don’t have anything to do with these though unless they want to show me something, it’s theirs and helps them to deal with and understand their grief journey.

I’ve lost my wife, eldest son, mum and 7 other family members over the past 6 years and each grief is very different to the rest of them. Not that I would wish it on anyone but it would have been nice to have been able to speak to someone who was in a similar position that had gone through it so I could turn to and ask questions whenever something cropped up. I was writing a blog about my journey with grief but couldn’t afford to keep it going but it is a journey for sure. This is part of what i wrote after telling them that day:

Then, that afternoon came the awful task. The hardest thing I would ever have to do. I would have to tell the kids. Somehow I managed this. Lots of tears, howling, hugs and not understanding. I explained to our 9 and 5 year old that mummy is now a star in the sky. That evening they all waited until it was dark so they could see mummy. They wanted to see her and to say goodnight to her.

We all stayed outside until 1:30 in the morning. Then came what i can only describe as the perfect ending to worst and most difficult day I had ever encountered. Our 5 year old daughter then looked up and saw an extremely bright star. Then she simply said “look daddy, there’s mummy. The brightest star in the sky”

Since then, every night we all go outside to see mummy. It seems to be our way of coping together. But each day is long. Each day is lonely. I have the kids, which is a help. But it’s not the same.

They still do it now but not every night. They do take some comfort that they can look up and see mummy anytime they want to so this has definitely been the best thing for them as they’re growing up. When my eldest son passed away followed by my mum shortly afterwards, they were having conversations with me where they were asking if they all shining together and were they fighting to be the brightest one so we could see them all etc. The conversations aren’t always sad, sometimes they can be happy and fun ones too.