Crushing one liners from your other half.

This morning while both milling about in the kitchen my wife causally dropped:
“I could really happily do without sex”
She could tell that I had instantly got according to her ‘the wrong end of the stick’ and ‘you’ve taken this out of context ‘ (there was no context) and did a fair job on the back tracking. Too late, crushed.

I assume she meant …”with those other men” ?

You can’t find the hole can you? From a one nighter in Leicester uni days 😳

Your mouth is where jokes go to die.

Even more crushing is that this was my eight year old daughter’s damning verdict on my comic ability, not my wife from whom I’d expect it.

i was admiring myself in the mirror the other day and announced to my wife that “every time i look at myself in the mirror i get a massive boner”

she replied “that’s cos you look like a c@nt”

I like you as a friend …….

‘If you had bushier eyebrows and wore a dress you’d look like Susan Boyle.’

😐

Then two days later…

‘You know how you look like Susan Boyle. I think Brian looks like Bear Grylls.’

🙄

I can recall from a while back, a mates Ma & Pa were having a wee bit of a barney.
“Just remember whose name is on the door” said papa bear
“Just remember what fargin side of the door it’s on” came the reply.

back tracking? 🙁

“Would you like me to pluck those grey hairs out of your ears?”

I cried.

bugger, wrong person

(that’s not what she said, but I’m pretty sure she’s thought it once or twice)

“I could really happily do without sex”

I reckon you should put her on restriction of privileges, see how she really likes not getting any – that’ll teach her a lesson!

mines not that smart or funny

‘do without sex’
ask her if that means you have to.

“Why are all your friends more successful than you?”

No, I’m sure another of her one liners applies: “you will just have to sort your self out”

If I’m dressing a bit crap I also get “you look like David Cameron on his day off’. This results in a swift about turn to the wardrobe. I don’t look like Dave btw.

Jake Gyllenhaal was on the tele box the other night. The Wife was admiring his beard and how manly it made him look. I responded with “but you don’t like it if I grow a beard”

To which she replied: “But you look like a t**t with a beard”

🙄

Worryingly, I have a few. I’ll only spare you two:

1. As a young chap, about 20. I was sat on a bench waiting for a train. My lass was stood up behind me and kissed me on the head.

“Ah, I kissed you on your bald spot”

“My WHAT???”

2. Long story, but after a night out with some ladies, one of whom was painfully beautiful and I would have done anything for, but I never thought I stood chance and instead did some stuff with her friend.

Following day: “I really liked you until I realised you were a cock”

Ouch. Like, properly ouch.

“If we were friends with benefits id have chosen a better friend”

“If we were I’d at least get some benefits”

TBH I cant remember which of us said what but as witty one liners go in the heat of an argument it’s pretty good!

As a parting shot from an ex who I had lived with for about 5 years ” you’re incompatible with Women ” was a bit of a blow but now I look on it as quite a compliment .

Mum and brother were arguing
Mum – “You’re just like your father”
Brother – “Is that why I want to get up early and leave pints of milk on people’s doorsteps?”

Perhaps not the wittiest, but I had an ex who was pretty barmy… among others there was

‘If you don’t do the washing up, I’m calling the police’

I’m a man of principle and it wasn’t my turn.

Sure enough the police turned up… she came up with (what later became the usual as she phoned the police more regularly)

‘This is my house and he won’t leave’ saying I’d been there for 2 weeks when we’d been living together for over a year

After a while, the police knew the score and were very understanding of my predicament.

Do you think your a bit old for those trainers?

When marrying the missus I had to justify why the kilt etc I was buying for our big day cost more than her dress. I explained I would get lots of wear out of the kilt over the years, as I would get to use it again, unlike her dress….to which I was told…if you dont keep me happy I will get to use the dress again, next time I get married.

A bit niche, but a remark about Mott insulators and attractive condensates elicited
“Phmpf! Like you’d have a chance.”

I think she really doesn’t get it. When I mentioned looking for Bose-Einstein Condensates she said “Yes Dear, but make sure you put it back where you found it”

The OH is funny. A bit off topic but once in Egypt we were staying in a hotel where the was a council of imams taking lace. Very senior clerics in fine robes. “Ah!”, says SWMBO, they look all fine and devout now, but I bet they’ll all be Mullahed later. Still makes me laugh today.

Batfink: Does this shirt go with these shorts?
Mrs Batfink: yeah sure…. wearing all mismatched colors is “in”, right?

“How do you like your coffee?”

“White and weak, like my men”

🙁

Told me I looked like shreck, but in a nice way.

Friend of mine recently.
“Daddy you are my best Daddy ever!” says daughter,
“I hope I’m your only Daddy ever” he replied.
“We will see, jury is still out” quips wife.

Girlfriend (at the time): going to a health spa weekend next weekend
Me: why? Can’t polish a turd

Que, a death stare.

But that’s not even funny!

tang – Member
I don’t look like Dave btw
Except during your days off?

Friend of mine told me his wife once said to him
“You don’t earn enough”
😯

Which, imo, ranks up there with the OP’s O/H’s comment.
Anyway, eventually, friend got divorced, met someone else, moved to Europe and now leads a much happier life.

It’s an infinitesimally thin line between “Banter” and delivering that “Crushing, one liner”.
Go Figure.

“You’ve never made me come”

porter_jamie – Member
i was admiring myself in the mirror the other day and announced to my wife that “every time i look at myself in the mirror i get a massive boner”

she replied “that’s cos you look like a c@nt”

That’s quick thinking, or did she have that one saved up just in case? 😆

I am not in love with you any more 😯 🙁 😥

Ex-Mrs once said to a large group of friends and family ” he looks just like Donald Pleasance”. I didn’t know what he looked like so asked. “Short, fat, bald and ugly” came the reply.

And everyone knows the top put down: “fine…..”. There is officially no suitable reply to that one.

One of my wife’s favourite lines to me is…
” If it wasn’t for me , you’d be in the grubber” i.e a destitute loser with no real chance of long term survival.

Sadly, I think she might be right. 🙁

“How do you like your coffee?”

“White and weak, like my men”

But, to be fair, that is one of the funniest lines in one of the worlds funniest movies even if it has been paraphrased:

So, chapeau to her on that one for excellent taste (in movies).