This article by Jeremy Clarkson was in last week's Sunday Times Online but has since been 'pulled' – probably by the subject of the article, Peter Mandelson. So much for free speech. But poor old manglebum fails to appreciate how the blogsphere works and in no time the article finds itself going viral round the world. Wonderful. Enjoy it – and feel free to pass it on if you enjoyed it…..

Jeremy Clarkson
Sunday Times 8/11/09
I’ve given the matter a great deal of thought all week, and I’m afraid I’ve decided that it’s no good putting Peter Mandelson in a prison. I’m afraid he will have to be tied to the front of a van and driven round the country until he isn’t alive any more.
He announced last week that middle-class children will simply not be allowed into the country’s top universities even if they have 4,000 A-levels, because all the places will be taken by Albanians and guillemots and whatever other stupid bandwagon the conniving idiot has leapton.

I hate Peter Mandelson. I hate his fondness for extremely pale blue jeans and I hate that preposterous moustache he used to sport in the days when he didn’t bother trying to cover up his left-wing fanaticism. I hate the way he quite literally lords it over us even though he’s resigned in disgrace twice, and now holds an important decision-making job for which he was not elected. Mostly, though, I hate him because his one-man war on the bright and the witty and the successful means that half my friends now seem to be taking leave of their senses.

There’s talk of emigration in the air. It’s everywhere I go. Parties. Work. In the supermarket. My daughter is working herself half to death to get good grades at GSCE and can’t see the point because she won’t be going to university, because she doesn’t have a beak or flippers or a qualification in washing windscreens at the lights. She wonders, often, why we don’t live in America .

Then you have the chaps and chapesses who can’t stand the constant raids on their wallets and their privacy. They can’t understand why they are taxed at 50% on their income and then taxed again for driving into the nation’s capital. They can’t understand what happened to the hunt for the weapons of mass destruction. They can’t understand anything. They see the Highway Wombles in those brand new 4x4s that they paid for, and they see the M4 bus lane and they see the speed cameras and the community support officers and they see the Albanians stealing their wheelbarrows and nothing can be done because it’s racist.

And they see Alistair Darling handing over £4,350 of their money to not sort out the banking crisis that he doesn’t understand because he’s a small-town solicitor, and they see the stupid war on drugs and the war on drink and the war on smoking and the war on hunting and the war on fun and the war on scientists and the obsession with the climate and the price of train fares soaring past £1,000 and the Guardian power-brokers getting uppity about one shot baboon and not uppity at all about all the dead soldiers in Afghanistan, and how they got rid of Blair only to find the lying twerp is now going to come back even more powerful than ever, and they think, “I’ve had enough of this. I’m off.”

It’s a lovely idea, to get out of this stupid, Fairtrade, Brown-stained, Mandelson-skewed, equal-opportunities, multicultural, carbon-neutral, trendily left, regionally assembled, big-government, trilingual, mosque-drenched, all-the-pigs-are-equal, property-is-theft hellhole and set up shop somewhere else. But where?

You can’t go to France because you need to complete 17 forms in triplicate every time you want to build a greenhouse, and you can’t go to Switzerland because you will be reported to your neighbours by the police and subsequently shot in the head if you don’t sweep your lawn properly, and you can’t go to Italy because you’ll soon tire of waking up in the morning to find a horse’s head in your bed because you forgot to give a man called Don a bundle of used notes for “organising” a plumber.

You can’t go to Australia because it’s full of things that will eat you, you can’t go to New Zealand because they don’t accept anyone who is more than 40 and you can’t go to Monte Carlo because they don’t accept anyone who has less than 40 mill. And you can’t go to Spain because you’re not called Del and you weren’t involved in the Walthamstow blag. And you can’t go to Germany … because you just can’t.

The Caribbean sounds tempting, but there is no work, which means that one day, whether you like it or not, you’ll end up like all the other expats, with a nose like a burst beetroot, wondering if it’s okay to have a small sharpener at 10 in the morning. And, as I keep explaining to my daughter, we can’t go to America because if you catch a cold over there, the health system is designed in such a way that you end up without a house. Or dead.

Canada’s full of people pretending to be French, South Africa’s too risky, Russia’s worse and everywhere else is too full of snow, too full of flies or too full of people who want to cut your head off on the internet. So you can dream all you like about upping sticks and moving to a country that doesn’t help itself to half of everything you earn and then spend the money it gets on bus lanes and advertisements about the dangers of salt. But wherever you go you’ll wind up an alcoholic or dead or bored or in a cellar, in an orange jumpsuit, gently wetting yourself on the web. All of these things are worse than being persecuted for eating a sandwich at the wheel.

I see no reason to be miserable. Yes, Britain now is worse than it’s been for decades, but the lunatics who’ve made it so ghastly are on their way out. Soon, they will be back in Hackney with their South African nuclear-free peace polenta. And instead the show will be run by a bloke whose dad has a wallpaper shop and possibly, terrifyingly, a twerp in Belgium whose fruitless game of hunt-the-WMD has netted him £15m on the lecture circuit.

So actually I do see a reason to be miserable. Which is why I think it’s a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit. onto in the meantime.

It's made me depressed.

That's about spot on actually.

Can't say I agree with all of it, but I would be greatly cheered by the sight of Mandelson being

tied to the front of a van and driven round the country until he isn’t alive any more.

🙂

It’s a lovely idea, to get out of this stupid, Fairtrade, Brown-stained, Mandelson-skewed, equal-opportunities, multicultural, carbon-neutral, trendily left, regionally assembled, big-government, trilingual, mosque-drenched, all-the-pigs-are-equal, property-is-theft hellhole and set up shop somewhere else.

I'd love him to piss off too, whether this is genuine or not.

They don't understand anything.

Pretty much sums it up.

That's about spot on actually.

Oh dear.

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy…

Knighthood, I think. 😮

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy…

Knighthood, I think.

Oh dear.

grumm

Oh dear.

some points i agree with some are just rambling bollox, eg clarckson's daughter wont be going to the uni of her choice, my arse!

funniest bit is clarckson mocking mandlescum on dress sense?!?

I'm hoping it doesn't come down to a straight choice between Clarkson and Mandelson. That would be a sign of the impending apocalypse.

but I would have to choose Clarkson in this case

When colleagues asked what my boss was like, I'd just say 'Peter Mandleson', even my French colleagues would have sympathy for us.

Traffic Wombles PMSL

C

It does sound like Clarkson, but I suspect its never been published/not his.

The editor would have decided the reference to mosques was inciting religious hatred, the reference to albanians was racist and after Mr Parris last year, that you cant joke about killing someone.

Oh come on. Have you never exaggreated a point for comic effect? the (sometime tiny) grain of truth in his point is still correct IMO, and Clarkson would brand me a leftist, lentil muching, hemp weaving, eco nuttist of the highest order.

thisisnotaspoon – Member
It does sound like Clarkson, but I suspect its never been published/not his.

His column in the sunday times often approaches this level of confrontation. It sounds just like him to me.

still on the site actually:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/jeremy_clarkson/article6907747.ece

Same old Clarkson and the usual targets, not suprised it was pulled. Some editor suddenly realised that they had printed this or similar before.

I hate to say it but I pretty much agree with him This country has gone to the dogs

We cant put criminals in jail as there all full and the goverment designed ASBO's and community orders to solve this with the only effect being, no one has respect for the law anymore

if we could put them in jail it wouldnt matter because our police cant catch them because their all sat at there desks doin H+S paperwork

I am all for a nation of many colours and creeds but I'm sorry if you want to live and work in this country you should learn and speak english and you will pay tax

the labour goverment has made it impossible for new or small businesses to develop in this country and are destroying what little home grown industries we have

Again the labour goverment has made it more attractive for someone to have 2 kids live off goverment handouts and get a council house rather than get a job

We used to be one of the greatest nations on the planet and now i am sorry to say i think we are getting the piss taken out of us by others

rant over…..get's coat…..leaves

really enduro country seems fine to me i just try to avoid reading overhyped sensationalist media bollox

infact i like living here

imagine what clarckson would say about all of us on here….

bitchy whiny lycra clad kiddies who play on bikes who should be lined up and runover by chelsea tractors

I saw the article in the Sunday Times at my sisters (no I don't buy the Sunday Times) but I never got to beyond this (and I didn't bother this time either) :

"I hate Peter Mandelson. I hate his fondness for extremely pale blue jeans and I hate that preposterous moustache he used to sport in the days when he didn’t bother trying to cover up his left-wing fanaticism."

So Peter Mandelson no longer bothers trying to hide the fact that he is a left-wing fanatic ? That comment is so utterly ridiculous and absurd, that I really don't need to waste my time reading such crap.

Dear old Jeremy Clarkson……….. the "thinking man's" idiot.

The article was published in The Sunday Times and is still knocking around. Clarkson writes articles that you find yourself agreeing with and nodding along, they're well written and persuasive. But, as with most of his stuff, once you sit down and actually think about it you can usually pull most of his arguments apart quite easily.

I find his writings mostly very amusing, always worth a look through over morning coffee.

In my opinion they are both knobs,but Mandleson is knob king,he got my brother sacked as the editor of the local newspaper just for daring to say angus the monkey would make a better mayor of Hartlepool!!

Kimbers I get your point, I try to avoid all this crap and live in my own wee happy world but recently I have been affected by some of this

1…had my bike nicked and the police told me "they will keep an eye out"!!!

2…family members small business is struggling due to stupid taxes by labour

3…I work for the city council and see how the lack of funding is effecting jobs and work and the take care of everyone attitude is too blame

p.s yes he prob would slag me I ride bikes, I buy fairtrade products, I drive a mini diesel etc etc

and as for the comment about guardian readers being upset about babboons being shot but not about soldiers in afghanistan

as far as i was aware news international was very pro both irag and this war while the guardian opposed it?!?

Jeremy Clarkson should be tied to the front of a Volvo diesel and driven round the country.

Yes, Britain now is worse than it’s been for decades, but the lunatics who’ve made it so ghastly are on their way out.

I completely agree with this.

WTF isn't Clarkson put in charge? Oh, yes, he's too sensible to be a politician. Pity.

Dear old Jeremy Clarkson……….. the "thinking man's" idiot.
+1

This country has gone to the dogs

Yeah it's really awful here isn't it, I'm thinking of emigrating to Sudan.

Yes, Britain now is worse than it’s been for decades

Really, by what possible measure?

We cant put criminals in jail as there all full and the goverment designed ASBO's and community orders to solve this with the only effect being, no one has respect for the law anymore

if we could put them in jail it wouldnt matter because our police cant catch them because their all sat at there desks doin H+S paperwork

With that sort of logic, I'm not surprise that you agree with Clarkson.

Ummmm,errr, let me see; how about national debt for starters?

With that sort of logic, I'm not surprise that you agree with Clarkson.

No one cares what you think.

and national debt affects you how
day to day what difference to your life?

people are too easliy swayed by trash journalism like clarcksons imho

He's a poxy journalist -it's his job to give you what you want to feed your brain on.

Someone looking to put the blame on.

No one cares what you think.

😀 What, not even enough to post a comment ?

and national debt affects you how
day to day what difference to your life?

Its a good rough guide to the current level of incomptance of our current political masters.

Plus, an excellent vindication of the crass stupidity of Brown's city regulation policy of the last 10 years.

You may say its 'easy in hindsight', but I know jack shit about national finances, and even I can say that allowing a bunch of greedy barstards to jeopardise the national financial security, ignoring several reknowned academics screaming at you that this is a bad idea in your own smug crass 'all the growth is down to me' idiocy, then allow the same greedy barstards to hold an entire nation to ransom over the 'rescue' package, without even bothering to draw the loan contracts up properly is pretty shoddy.

and national debt affects you how
day to day what difference to your life?

Are you serious?
Who do you think is going to make up the defecit, the labour party?

ok apart from raising your blood pressure over brown and co. how does it change your life?

of course im serious right now weve not seen any major cutbacks how is your life different?

an example please?

cutbacks will come after the election for sure, all the extra money pumped into services since the last torry government will stop

ok apart from raising your blood pressure over brown and co. how does it change your life?

I have to pay back through tax, someone else's **** up, to the tune of more money than I want to think about. It depresses the job, house and credit markets, and makes everuythign more expensive in real terms. Unnecessarily to boot.

Plus, it forces other more important issues off the 'to-do' list. The future of the planet for example. Who cares if the planet is being raped if you can't afford a new Porsche this year?

kimbers do you pay tax? Would you rather get some services for it or have it fall into a hole?

surely not getting a new porsche is good for the planet!?