[Closed] Wife's unexpectedly pregnant. And l'm not happy....

I'd get all the DIY done before the baby arrives.

Last thing you is urgent/unfinished jobs hanging over you in the first few months. It's enough of a struggle to do the day to day stuff 🙂

OP ignore the nasty comments
no need to be so tough guys

It's a tough time for most men to get their heads around, he'll get there I'm sure

I dont feel ready for the responsibility

You don't sound ready either. Ah well you've got 8 months and a bit to get used to the idea.

Hopefully for the child and your other half you get your head in gear and sharpish, your other half is gonna need a rock not a bag of hot air to depend on.

Try to change your outlook to a more positive one and good luck.

good man, we were trying for nearly two years, desperate to have a child, almost gave up hope and then...................
Forget this nonsense about MTFU etc, what you are feeling is totally natural and happens to most people. Just get involved, standby your wife and go for it. In the words of Ronan, life is a roller coaster......

Whilst the MTFU responses are both entirely understandable and quite correct, to answer your question, yes plenty of us have had similar feelings. Whilst I never considered not having the baby when my wife got pregnant unplanned, I did find the prospect of such great responsibility fairly overwhelming to begin with.

The fact that you don't feel ready for the responsibility shows that you recognise what a huge responsibility fatherhood is, and this gives you a good head start over a lot of dads these days, so that's encouraging.

Furthermore, don't worry that other people's children do not appeal to you in the slightest. I frequently find other people's children revolting, but love my own more than anything. Children are like farts in this respect.

Your relationship with your wife will change a bit when a baby arrives, as you will no longer be her only priority. That can be hard, but that's just nature's way. It's not always easy either, but there can be a quiet satisfaction from knowing that you are protecting and providing for your family [primitive male mode, sorry ladies] even if you end up feeling on the periphery sometimes.

You'll be fine. It's a fantastic adventure, and every one of us is just winging it as best we can.

wwaswas amen to that

we conceived the day we moved into our new house which just over a year on is nearly finished. The last 6 months has been really hard long days, should all be sorted by the time baby29er's mobile thank christ

There's not a lot of support on this thread is there?

Dadtobe -

First off well done for being honest and in touch with how you're feeling. That's far better than burying it all and ignoring it and you should take a big measure of comfort that knowing how you feel is critical to making it all work.

Second, to echo other people that have said this, there is never a right time to have kids. There may be less optimal times, but the idea that there is optimal is a myth.

How you feel now is not uncommon especially when it's unexpected.

And you're right, all those things you cite as being the things you love are going to stop at least temporarily so you're right to feel cheated, angry, resentful etc. It's a massive life change and anyone who says otherwise is just not trying hard enough.

And there is nothing wrong with being selfish about it. The most well adjusted people on the planet are the ones who know what it is that makes them happy and pursue that, ideally not at the expense of everyone around them of course. But knowing how to be happy is a pretty important life skill!

So, given that you know what makes you happy and that it is likely you're world is going to change in nine months time and the plan you've had so far isn't going to be sustainable, what do you need to change to ensure that you can continue being happy with a baby in your world?

You can still ride your bike. You CAN still go out for meals (restaurants are fine with babies and lunch times around our town the restaurants are filled with new families). You can still go on exotic holidays. My wife went to Australia when our first was just six months old and she did that on her own!

The love thing. You can't know this until he or she arrives, but trust us, you will feel different. It may be different for women than men (I don't know, I'm not a woman) but worrying whether you will feel love towards your child is also perfectly normal and actually it shows a degree of maturity and insight that you're thinking this. It says you recognise the importance of being able to love them and you're worried whether you will measure up.

Don't worry. You will.

About the not having any emotional desire to have kids. Again, that's very common. I didn't either. I could have gone through life without them even though everyone around me said it would be a terrible shame because I'd make such a great dad.

I had male friends who were desperate for kids. I never experienced that. I even resisted having a second for quite a while despite feeling bowled over emotionally by the first.

Guess what. I wouldn't change anything for the world and if you ask me now, what am I most proud of in terms of my achievements in life, well despite achieving a lot in my career, in my education, in my sports pursuits, unwaveringly the answer is my family.

So, hope this helps. There is a big element of MTFU but I think that messages is better received with a bit of sensitivity and empathy behind it.

You'll be fine. Enjoy!

Everyone is terrified of being a parent for the first time even if it is planned. If you delay things, you just delay the fear.

Personally, I found the moment that she appeared, instincts kicked in, and it was okay.

Also, in the last week I have gone for 3 decent swim sessions, one in a lido (happened to be in London), one in the river, one pool training session plus been on the bike a bit, and that is a week when we're both dead busy with work stuff. Oh, and gone ice skating with Rose (aged two and a half - an odd but fun experience), and I'm also hopefully heading off to a campsite this weekend with her (although we are cheating and staying in a 'camping pod').

I frequently find other people's children revolting, but love my own more than anything. Children are like farts in this respect.

Greatape. That's truly beautiful! And so true!!!! 😆

Been there, done that. I was the same age as you and reacted just the same. Yes, it's scary as hell at the time. No, your life won't end once you have a kid. Rant away on here if it helps deal with it, there's probably lots of confusing stuff going round in your head. But you'll all be fine. Really. Good luck!

You just need to accept the comsequences and MTFU , basically "So it goes"

There is no point in worrying what might have been / what could have happened - deal with the now. You are 29 so 3 years would make FA difference.

The world is not all about you, which I guess you are having a hard time accepting but the post in very meh.

If you had tried for kids in 5 years time and found out that she was not able to conceive, the ramifications would be far worse. And boy, you would really have whined about that

You'll be able to take that trip to the States while you're both still young enough to enjoy it. Perhaps you'll do it sooner and look at the faces of your kids as their jaws drop on seeing the Grand Canyon or Yosemite for the first time. Life is full of possibilities, even if those possibilities are different ones.

I know exactly what you feel - my wife and I crammed a trip to California in before we started IVF. The surprise element of this is what's doing your nut in.

Calm down, and go home and give your wife a hug this evening.

Children are like farts in this respect.

My missus was always really keen to have kid(s), I knew that when we married. I wanted to have kid(s) eventually, but never felt quite ready, always wanted just another couple of years of 'freedom' for snowboard holidays etc. Eventually realised I would never feel any different about being 'ready', so just took the plunge and we went for it (like rabbits!). Now we have our lovely daughter and I wouldn't change that for the world. Life will change, somethings for the better, somethings for worse. You have to adjust your lifestyle to a certain extent, but it is by no means an end to being able to enjoy life. You just have to plan a little more.

The real emotional difficulty now is whether or not I love my children's farts. Particularly Joseph's, who at nearly 3 would cope very well at Glastonbury, since he only craps once every third day, but pumps out hideous turtle breath for the preceding two.

Children are like farts in this respect.

Better out than in.

An abortion is quite a painless thing for man, but it is very painful for the woman and extremely emotional. Some men find it emotional and others can be cold to it all.

Similarly, prior to having kids I had no desire or love for complicating my life. However, it does all change once they arrive. Children have re-calibrated my understanding of happiness, pride, satisfaction and joy to a new higher level. Like many things in life I was rather against it until I tried it!

After having children and several miscarriages between my two kids I began to understand quite how serious abortion was and my regret and the emotional turmoil I felt was severe.

I'm not quite sure how you and the wife have come to be unexpectedly pregnant? No contraception is 100% and if you are having sex there is always a risk. I say this as a bloke who has had the snip and still has a positive sperm count!

I think your wife is right and you need to take the cards life deals you. It may be, and please don't take this the wrong way, that this is your only opportunity for a myriad of reasons - you could lose both testicles in a particularly bad cycling accident and live with regret for having not seized the opportunity you have been given now 😯

Rather an empty house than a bad tenant?

All the things you've planned are pretty unimportant compared with having children, and they can be delayed. Having children is best done early in my opinion, and you will love the child when he or she arrives.
You can still go the USA when you're 50, you know.
Just be supportive of your wife, don't say anything more about doubts, and believe all the fathers on here who were also scared about having to grow up.

You'll be able to take that trip to the States while you're both still young enough to enjoy it. Perhaps you'll do it sooner and look at the faces of your kids as their jaws drop on seeing the Grand Canyon or Yosemite for the first time. Life is full of possibilities, even if those possibilities are different ones.

Calm down, and go home and give your wife a hug this evening

Just the thought of this makes the room go all dusty. Thankyou. I guess a little perspective's in order

Some pretty unkind responses.

Offer something better then.

OP - accept responsibility, stop moping about 'you' and start thinking about 'us'. Yes, life changes - it is very different, not worse, different. Better in so many ways, worse in a few, but it is great. You won't feel like this forever.

To be honest l dont know why i'm posting this on here, as this is something that l think l should be discussing with my wife alone...

No, you're doing the right thing.
Trying to sort your own head out first will be better for all three of you in the long term.
Your wife is going to need support too, and she'll be looking to you to provide it (or some of it at least).
What's happening is happening.
If you work through that here, rather than in front of her, and come to some level of acceptance then you can be more prepared and stronger for when they need you.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA...

You are [b]FLECKED[/b]

HAHHAHAHHHAHHAHAH

Look on the bright side....bang em out, you'll get your life back in 20 years!!!

Shouldn't worry, first is something special and one kid is a piece of pee, two isn't too tricky.

I've got 3 all under the age of 4.....

Don't worry, go for a good ride and clear your head....you're gonna be a dad...

Quick go for a ride.....whilst you still can HHAHAHHAHHAHAH

MTFU

If it helps then my wife really didn't want children at all (these things happen somehow). It wasn't just loss ofcontrolof life, or the wrong time. She just didn't want them. I had to make sure no-one sent cards or any of that stuff. This is also a mild description of her reaction.

It changed the second our first daughter appeared. It's your child, there is a bond that can't be described that takes over and I can't imagine a better mum. Until your child appears that bond isn't there in quite the same way.

The only thing that will change is that you will have yet another passion in your life rather than a burden. It's not a bad thing really. However unlike bikes n+1 is the wrong answer

Ok, commenting on these "Dear Diedre" type threads is not my thing.

But, dadtobe - this times a million:
[i]The love thing. You can't know this until he or she arrives, but trust us, you will feel different. It may be different for women than men (I don't know, I'm not a woman) but worrying whether you will feel love towards your child is also perfectly normal and actually it shows a degree of maturity and insight that you're thinking this. It says you recognise the importance of being able to love them and you're worried whether you will measure up.

Don't worry. You will.[/i]

Support your wife. Be there at the birth. Be amazed when the baby arrives.
There's a year of struggle, where this baby thing isn't that interesting, doesn't do much, is very dependent (understatement!) and doesn't seem to return much of the love you throw its way.
But believe me, later you will be amazed at how much you love your child.

I never wanted kids. But I don't think I'd still be here if I hadn't had my son to see me through.

Take stock and think about your reactions- it could either be a shock response as stated earlier in which case its probably the manic reaction you'd get from most blokes - am I ready ? will I cope etc and is perfectly natural or if its more firmly held you need to talk to your wife-she may be just as scared as you or even more so given its her body that will change as well as her lifestyle.

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.”

John Lennon

or

"Get a grip and MTFU"

chipsngravy

l have no emotional desire towards kids

Your own are different, everyone else's are hideous/a nightmare. And for what it's worth, they're epic once you've got them.

And I second the whole life not over thing. Trips are better shared with kids. Food is better enjoyed shared with kids. I'm 29 and my life has not been ruined.

It's all about the adventures man! You're in deep now, so you might as well embrace what's to come 😉

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Be there at the birth

Do not, I repeat do not be tempted to take a quick peek at the business end though.

Good luck OP, I think Papa_Lazarou summed it up best on the thread so far.

GaryLake,

Blimey, that top photo is like looking in a mirror....29 you say....I'm 38.....have you had a tough life 😉

Cute kiddy BTW!

Travel to the States/India with a kid? Hmmm, immigration is pretty tight but I think they do let them in, not sure though.

The way I looked at it when I was in a similar position, but younger than you, was that we were going to have kids, maybe in 7-8 years time, in which case might as well have them now. My life did not end. For all you know this could be your last opportunity.

The other benefit is that when they bugger off you will still be young enough, and have the financial means, to do interesting things.

Its tough but MTFU and get in with it! If you had no desire for kids then maybe you should have stuck something on the end of it..

Yeah, lifes not that straight-forward, I know. Im going to be a dad again at 46... Bloody well wish i was 29!

My lad is 13, and its a great excuse to hand down your bike stuff to the young 'un and get more bling for your own ride! 8)

I'd been adamant through my 20's that I didn't want kids and had similar feelings to you when my wife told me she was pregnant with our first child (I was 32 at the time). Somewhat selfishly I thought it meant that I'd no long be able to do the things I enjoy.

I was incorrect in my assumptions. There are some tough parts of being a parent (especially sleep deprivation when they are little) but there are loads of rewards.
I'm still getting out doing what I love it's just I have 2 boys of 7 and 8 to enjoy it with too now. I do still manage weekends away riding with mates etc but just balance everything.

Blimey, that top photo is like looking in a mirror....29 you say....I'm 38.....have you had a tough life

Haha cheeky bastid! Combination of -6 temps, unkempt beard and a camera phone thank you very much!

I get asked for ID for booze still if I shave!

Fatherhood will blow your tiny ****ing mind.

There is nothing comparable. It is beyond description. And the best balls-up you've ever made.

For the record, I hate everyone's kids. And I used to be a teacher.

and its a great excuse to hand down your bike stuff to the young 'un

And have you any idea how many bikes they get through in the early years. It's freakin awesome 🙂

Do not, I repeat do not be tempted to take a quick peek at the business end though.

+1. It's like watching your favourite pub go up in flames.

Whilst I broadly agree with those who suggest that the OP has to let things run their course, I wish this trope that 'every parent loves their child unequivocally the second they see it' would die.

It's just not true, is it? There are many, many unhappy families around where one parent or both never reconciles themselves to the new addition(s). These can lead to deeply unhappy parents and screwed up family dynamics.

I'm not saying that the OP will never love his kid but blithly stating that they definitely will strikes me as unhelpful.

Obviously I don't have kids though...

the sooner they arrive, the sooner they leave the house.

4 years early means they will leave 4 years early too. you havent had your time nicked by them, you will get it later.

Also, the cost of stuff is going up all the time, its will be cheaper now than in 4 years time.

😀

Combination of -6 temps, unkempt beard and a camera phone

If you're happy with that excuse I'm not gonna argue 😀

For the record, I hate everyone's kids. And I used to be a teacher

Bullheart in an earlier life 🙂

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Obviously I don't have kids though...

You'd definitely love them immediately if you did.. 🙂

If you're happy with that excuse I'm not gonna argue

I'd post a fairer pic but I sense nothing good can come of having the STW baying masses judge whether I've had a hard life or not 😛

bullheart, earlier;

I'm not saying that the OP will never love his kid but blithly stating that they definitely will strikes me as unhelpful.

I'm not sure anyone did that. What I've seen in a bunch of example of people who had similar feelings to the OP but were proved wrong, massively. That's not a bad thing and miles away from implying that he is wrong and of course it will be ok. If hope can remove some of the negative anticipation of what coming then good on it