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GF initiated a chat last night which resulted in her saying it's over between us. We've been together 8 yrs and have an awesome 3 yr old boy. To say I'm devastated is an understatement 🙁 She says it's because we're no longer the happy loving couple that we used to be + I've prioritised my work (mostly) over family + left her feeling neglected etc.
She's had long periods of being unwell (ME type condition among many other things) since before we met. This is still the case now but with a different condition. But she's held down a good job throughout (albeit with a fair bit of time off).
As a result, I [s]had[/s] chose to do a lot of "her share" of the chores, errands and baby/toddler-centric stuff (putting him to bed, getting up in the night, etc) because she needed recovery time.
However, this, coupled with me spending 3-4 years putting in extra-curricular hours to improve my skills and get promotion to an excellent role/salary has left me exhausted for the last year too. And stressed (not with my job but with juggling everything day-to-day). So I've neglected much of the physical/emotional sides of our relationship and we've become more like 2 close friends than a couple.
My argument was that I wanted to put us in a better position for affording a house (we rent - and it's damn expensive round here to buy) and to give us a stronger foundation as a family. We've been looking at houses since Christmas but she's recently cooled on the idea. And then last night she just broke.
I've reflected on a few things in recent weeks and realised that yes, I was a ^&*) in many ways. But I was trying to do the right thing (which it obviously wasn't). And I've since wanted nothing more than for us to become a couple again and to continue raising our amazing little boy together. She says this is not an option as I've hurt her too much and she can no longer trust me. At the same time, neither of us know where this leaves us moving forward, i.e. continuing to live together, moving out, custody of our son, etc. We're both in bits.
Just needed to vent.
Any ideas would be cool too 🙂
Really sorry to hear it has happened.
Rachel
I've hurt her too much and she can no longer trust me
Sounds like you have done little wrong based on what you say so this bit doesnt add up to me.
Condolences, that sounds pretty crap.
Something doesn't quite add up, though.
You've grown apart, recognised this, and gone "hey, let's fix this." And she says no because she doesn't trust you? Why? Have you been playing away? Or has she?
I'd suggest trying Relate - might help to see if it can be salvaged.
very sad to hear.
You should try Relate - even if you both think it's over it may help to get you both emotionally to the point where you accept it or to regain whatever it is that's gone recently.
Keep talkign to each other would be my advice and try and avoid anger.
she can no longer trust me
What have you done what you haven't typed above?
Aye, you are either not telling the whole story and you have really given her some carp.....or she'll never be happy.
I think with kids it's always worth being 200% sure before you split.
Maybe let things cool down and talk about it some more.
If it helps, the wife and I have had some mega bust ups...threatened to call it a day a few times....but we let things cool down and they soon sort emselves out.
It is difficult, I think for blokes we sometimes get so besotted with the kids that we neglect the wives.
Have a good few chats before you really call it a day.
The "hurt her too much ... doesn't trust me ..." bit is about me getting so wrapped up in a combination of work and getting all the everyday stuff done that I've neglected her emotionally/physically. So she's pretty much saying she's broken as a result and doesn't believe I've had a change of heart.
FTR, I've never played away.
Relate
Yep, was thinking about them earlier. Have never liked the idea of "councelling" type stuff so maybe I need to MTFU and just do it. Whether the GF is up for it is another challenge altogether.
my ex wife said id hurt her and that she could no longer trust me.
she spent 11 years accusing me of cheating (i have never cheated on any of my partners)
she said she wanted to split up because of my behaviour.
so we did.
turns out she'd been having an affair with a guy she met on the internet who had told her he was a millionaire, for about 6 months previously.
i moved out, got a flat, got on with my life. 4 months later i met a girl on the bus (im a bus driver) she gave me her number, we have been married 5 and a half years now.
im a lot happier than i was with my ex.
the flip side of this, is i havent seen my children in almost 3 years as my ex constantly moves the goal posts to make it difficult.
consider all your options my friend.
PS: the millionaire--actually wasnt. in fact, hes probably worse off than me.
Then drop all work- no extra hours, straight back, flowers- make her see that she is more important than the day to day stuff. Talk to your boss if necessary, see if he can get you sometime off to spend with her etc.
Woo her again. However you may find that you've been planted in work so much as you too have been growing apart from her and haven't had the realisation yet?
Health issues could be a major part of this. Have they been thoroughly investigated?
@martymac: glad it worked out, sounds like you're very much better off now 🙂
@hora: I thought women liked to "go all the way to the bottom of the well before coming up only when they decide" I.e. if they need their own space and time to process some kind of hurt or whatever then give it to them. Don't be a bloke and try fixing stuff. I've often found this best in the past.
@cg: her health issues have made it bloody tough. She knows that and accepts it. She's better than she's been for a long time but does have a new condition that's (quite rightly) freaking her a bit.
Sorry to hear of your troubles woodlander. Councelling can help an awful lot. Maybe she needs some time to think about this all, having a child together means emotions must be all over the place. Sounds to me like you have only wanted whats best for you both and your future. good luck with it all.
um, she no longer trusts you because you've got
?so wrapped up in a combination of work and getting all the everyday stuff done that I've neglected her emotionally/physically
hmmm, don't mean to sound like like a twunt, but i don't see what you've done wrong? having a child is no easy task, neither is working all day and then coming home to chores and childcare and looking after an ill person... i smell a rat.
keep calm, try and discuss things, go to relate, i hope things work out for you, good luck.
Me trying to do what I thought was right has been the making of all this though. She's right. I did kind of freeze our relationship. Plus having to juggle so much stuff left me stressed and snappy etc.
STWers taking the OP's side 😯 This must be a first!
Good luck and sympathies woodlander. From your OP, I would suggest that your relationship is far from over. You are describing natural tensions that occur in most relationships over time. Being friends is the perfect foundation for any relationship and the love and physical/emotional stuff are the icing that goes on top to make it special. Perhaps you have both got the balance a little wrong - who doesn't - and you both need to focus on each other and rebuild the "trust" that you say is lost. Stick with it and make a 100% focus first on the two on you, second on the three of you. Ignore others until that is sorted out. You can/will make the correct outcome happen!
Hora is right - time to woo her again! That should be fun.
Dude... it can't be all your fault !
How does she think breaking up is going to be of benefit to her ... let alone for the poor child you had together.
What makes the grass greener for her ?
Edit ... Sorry ... defo work at it... but it can't be a oneway street... make sure she knows how lucky she is to have you around.
Edit 2 ... employ some of what is said below. Dont be (said in the nicest possilbe way 🙂 ) a walk over.
Hora is wrong, it's not time to woo her again - exactly the opposite infact!
What was your relationship like when you first met? I bet she saw you as exciting, and she had to make an effort to get you to like her?
Sorry to sound harsh but now she probably see's you as someone who brings home the bacon, who panders to her every need and is always there for her, who works all hours and does all the chores around the house. Where's the excitement or romance in that?
It's human nature to always want what you can't have (or want something that's attractive to others), so by always being there for her (or working all hours for her) then although that might seem the right thing, it's counter productive in the long term.
If you want to save the relationship, then you need to go and improve yourself. Forget about looking after her for a bit, create some excitement again around your life (for you not for her), and watch her reaction as she realises that you are again an exciting person who's going places and has plenty of other stuff going on outside the relationship.
That's the only way you'll win her back. Good luck 🙂
the early years of children are the hardest what with juggling work goals, poor health a new baby and all they need /demand and trying to get a house you have little time for the really important stuff which is each other
Can this be fixed tbh I dont know and whether it is really all over or not none of us can be sure.
I do also advise relate and wish you all the best
Remember there was a time when you just put each other first and now you need to juggle that , a child and work [ seems she doe snot like the balance] ...its hard but if you love each other you can get through
best of luck fella.
Well, looking back I reckon part of the issue is that we've discussed some of this stuff in the past, albeit it more briefly. I guess I never changed enough for long enough, hence where we're at now and why she's (in her words) "broken".
Is she "broken" or just being dramatic?
Sorry mate, i cant agree with any of this from her perspective. She has had innumerable chances before now to address any issues with you working long hours etc. Surely you two talking and coming up with solutions is better than her bottling it up until one day she cant take any more. As much her fault as yours.
Im not saying she is not in a bad place but broken?
Woo her again. However you may find that you've been planted in work so much as you too have been growing apart from her and haven't had the realisation yet?
Guys you missed my last bit ^^
Sure, she has the odd drama moment but right now she does look pretty broken. Camel's back and final straw I guess.
I'd say we've probably grown apart emotionally even though we still do a lots of family stuff together. I was starting to look at holidays last week as we've not had one for 4 yrs. My work committments have probably been the cause of that more than anything.
Sorry to hear this....
Regarding the Relate comments all this depends on whether you both actually WANT the relationship to work. I'm not being negative, but if her mind is made up then i'm not sure there's much that can be done to fix it 🙁
I hope you two manage to work it out.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but she seems to be putting all this on you and if you're not careful you'll accept the blame and live the rest of your life like you in some way failed her. She sounds quite weak, selfish and a bit needy to me. If she had a problem with you working hard and being responsible she should have said so but she seems to have pulled the "why aren't you psychic" line.
If you love her then by all means try and talk it through but also prepare for the worst. Start getting advice on how best to get joint custody and the working out the financial implications of a split.
The world is full of needy people I don't think it's wise to attach yourself to one.
FFS you've just gone through what all married couples go through at some time although for them, there's that piece of paper binding them together. For the sake of your child you need to stay together and if she is a good mother she will recognise that the child's stability and well-being are more important than any notion she may have of a romantic relationship - she needs to accept the reality of long-term partnerships, which are not a bed of roses.
woodlander, you shouldnt always believe what your other half says. In my experience when somebody says stuff that makes you feel guilty you need to carefully consider it before you accept any blame.
Take some time to reflect on what she has said about you before you start thinking its all your fault. There is always two people in a relationship, not just one, and it is very rarely one persons fault.
It sounds like some space and time is needed and I strangely agree with Hora, men always want a fix, a solution. Women very often simply dont at first, they often need to go to the bottom of the well. Have space, and then they realise if they want a fix or not.
Relate, been there and done that, my view is counselling is good if both of you are interested and even if not then some self reflection does no harm and will help you with this. But its not for everyone.
Good luck fella.
If she's made her mind up it's over then it is over and any trying to get back together will just cause heartache allround.+ 1 on the needy comment above.Move on.Focus on what's best for your child,that's the most important thing you come second and your ex-partner third.
Yep, I agree Relate will probably only work if we both want to remain together. I was hoping that as a woman, missnotax, you'd say soething more optimistic than "[i]but if her mind is made up then i'm not sure there's much that can be done to fix it[/i]" 🙁 🙂
She's not putting this all on me + she's generally not all that needy TBH. Not these days anyway. She knows we've had a tough time and that we've both contributed to this. But ultimately, like I said a few mins ago, we've talked about similar issues in the past and I've not done enough to change.
@cg: her health issues have made it bloody tough. She knows that and accepts it. She's better than she's been for a long time but does have a new condition that's (quite rightly) freaking her a bit.
Sorry for returning to the matter of health but are you completely aware of how she's feeling particularly in regard to this new condition? Do you know much about it?
Apologies for going on about this but ongoing health issues are debilitating (speaking from experience here).
But ultimately, like I said a few mins ago, we've talked about similar issues in the past and I've not done enough to change
Has she done enough to make that change work though ?
Sorry, I'm a bit confused here, you've got a 3 year old kid, a job and a house to run and you've got less time for each other? 😀
FWIW I was asked to move out of our house just before last Christmas - it was shit and everything but we still saw each other + i got to see my daughter every night. Few months later things had improved and I moved back in and we're back to being good.
Maybe you should give her a bit of space (and appreciate how much you do around the house!)
@cg: It's a very rare condition that affects her eyes. There doesn't appear to be a cure as such, more a case of management - treatment every 3 months.
It appeared last summer (just as she'd kicked a load of thryoid issues into touch and was feeling great). Gradually it got worse and no-one seemed to know anything about it. Then she got lucky in finding a specialist who appears to be the best in the UK - and he's local. She then found a briliant optom who happened to be really curious about the condition and has since sorted her out with 4 pairs of Oakleys (including a one-off pair specially made in the US) each with custom lenses.
Through having to wear these pretty much all the time, she admits to feeling like she's lost part of what it's like to be a woman. I try to empathise/support with that but it's tricky. Especially after she seems to have suffered with one thing after another. It's really getting her down and is probably another area I've not supported her with enough emotionally. Being a bloke, it's often easier to take care of the practical stuff and kind of hope the more sensitive things fall into place (ish).
Does that offer any enlightenment?
@weeksy: hard to say TBH. I'll have a think about that one.
@scaled: been there myself (but without the child) - nearly 10 years ago. Luckily I had my own house to go back to + a load of mates in the area. Got back together after about 3 months but then ended 18 months later.
I know we could make it work if we both "stepped into being a couple" again. I also think that's best for our son. For a long time he was more of a daddy's boy because I did most things with him. Alhough my GF was grateful for me doing all the extra looking after stuff, she was (naturally) really upset because of how her condition held her back. Her health has improved since then so much so that they've been able to do more together - which is great because the two of us are more equal now in terms of parenting responsibility.
On the basis of imformation provided I'm really struggling to see how her life can possibly be any better if you split. I can only assume that you aren't telling us soemthing or more probably she isn't telling you something.
Ask her how she sees her life if you split.
Oh blimey, she does have a lot to deal with and, yes, obviously not feeling good about herself. I have a thyroid disorder so completely appreciate how it can affect one, both mentally and physically.
I think that perhaps a visit to Relate would help both of you. She's definitely not in a good place at the moment and really needs to see some optimism for the future.
Often men aren't good at the talking stuff so a third party could really help.
Good luck and try to be positive.
http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-counselling/index.html
My heart goes out to you - been there, got the T-shirt
I hope you're able to work together to put it right, if not, then try and get an agreement on your son now, before it (as it so often does) turns acrimonious.
in the meantime, look after yourself, stay away from the booze and pills if you can, ride the bike, lots!
One final question worth considering...
She hasn't taken any speeding points for you recently has she 😀
Yep, I agree Relate will probably only work if we both want to remain together. I was hoping that as a woman, missnotax, you'd say soething more optimistic than "but if her mind is made up then i'm not sure there's much that can be done to fix it"
I'm genuinely sorry if my post seemed harsh - I didn't mean to be unkind - but ultimately I do believe that if one person (ie her in this case) doesn't want to put the effort in to make the relationship work then I don't see what else can be done with just one half of the couple trying?
Obviously only she and you know if this is the case, and if she is undecided then yes it is worth fighting for in which case there is some great advice here regarding Relate etc.
Good luck.
woodburner - you mention change a lot, gnerally people dont change quickly except in really traumatic events or very slowly over time, most of us dont change, we are who we are unless we make a real concerted effort and undoubtedly have lapses. Trying to change is all well and good but IMO its a bit like giving up smoking, the way you are is a habit built over many years and hard one to change. Such is life and people. 😉
Ask her how she sees her life if you split.
Hmm, good question. I'll see when I can pop that one in.
Often men aren't good at the talking stuff
Yep, guilty your honour!
look after yourself, stay away from the booze and pills if you can, ride the bike[b], lots!
If only I had the time.
@ti-pin-man: Leopards don't change their spots an' all that? Definitely a degree of truth in some of that, but I also believe change is possible given the right motivating factors. BTW, I gave up smoking years ago and it was somehow a POP 🙂
Has she had treatment for the ME / CFS? Sounds like it could all be wrapped up together...
@missnotax: no offence taken. I was just making a hopeful reference (tongue in cheek) that as a woman you'd admit there was a chance of her being open to getting back together 😉