Forum menu
Wife has announced she wants to give up work, no sign of her backing down. I don't want her to no way I'm backing down. Ultimately I can't physically stop her handing her notice in.
I presume a lot of parents have had this battle, anyone fought it and won?
Looking for real life experience from other people who've been through it rather than advice on what *I* could do.
I announced to my wife I wanted to give up work. Think she’s still laughing, 9 months on, as I go off to work...
Get your notice handed in first - that’ll learn her
Let her do it, if she wants, an unhappy wife is not a good place to be, even if it means you think you've 'won'.
The big question is why?
Address the why and a solution'll most likely present itself.
My wife hasn't worked a full week in 16 years. She had 3 full years of maternity leave and then went part time for 2 or 3 days a week since then.
My wife gave up work when we were having a baby. That was the plan. She went back to work after a few years.
You've not given reasons for her wanting to give up and you not wanting her to but it seems you've a dodgy relationship if you can't agree on such fundamentals. For instance, does she have another source if income? Is this to raise children? Is she unhappy at work?
More context? Why are you 'not prepared to back down'?
My wife gave up fulltime work for a few years about 7 years back. She was unhappy in what she was doing and had been working since she was 17 (she was 35 at the time). We don't have kids and don't plan to, so she took some time, studied a bit, tried some self-employed work tried some different part time work. With a few adjustment we were able to afford it and still enjoy ourselves. It has been great for her personally, she's a better adjusted, wiser person she's discovered new passions and found ways to enjoy work again. I thought it was a great idea and encouraged it.
Get her down t’ pit lad.
[70s mode]If you're not struggling financially - then let her go for it. Think of all the housework you'll never have to do again![/70s mode]
Agree with others that there's nothing meaningful we can contribute until we know why she wants to give up work - however, the fact that neither of you is willing to back down from your position is a bit of a red flag for the relationship. IME one partner saying "I'm doing this and I don't care what you say" is never a good thing.
(When it comes to serious stuff anyway. If it's stuffing a full tub of ice cream in your face it's probably fine)
identify why she wants to give up work first.
My wife hasn’t worked a full week in 16 years. She had 3 full years of maternity leave and then went part time for 2 or 3 days a week since then.
Hmmmmm..... mine did this 23yrs ago, was only supposed to be whilst kids were pre school. Then back full time, time for a wee chat me thinks.
More context ...
Is it her specific job?
Kids?
A colleague said something to me a while back... "when I was signed off I didn't think I would ever work in any professional capacity ever again"
she (as it was a she though I'm not sure that's relevant) was in a right state that had been created by her job (or more accurately the crap that was "not her job").
So long as your tea's on the table when you get home, she can do what she likes.
WiFi not wanting to work you say.
Have you tried turning it off and on?
Well, looking after kids is tough and hard to fit around full-time work, especially if there is a commute. And if her full-time works means childcare from dawn to evening, then that seems a waste of being a parent to young kids.
Can she change to fewer hours, work from home, self-employment? It's what I do. I do all the kid stuff before and after school. I am self-employed and work from home. Means lunch-hour can be a ride if I fancy it too. Would I give up all work? No way. I enjoy it and I'm earning.
After our second was born my wife went through a period of wanting to either cut her hours significantly or move to a job that basically paid peanuts but was in a field she was really interested in.
I never said she couldn't, shouldn't or anything like that, I told her she could do what she liked and we would make it work. I also pointed out that 'making it work' would involve down sizing the house, cutting back on non essentials like Sky telly, posh hair cuts, nights out and changing her fancy SUV for something considerably cheaper.
She's still in a similar full time job three years later.
Why does she want to give up?
My (now) wife wanted to give to work, or at least give up the career and go and do something “easy”.
Turned out what she really needed was support, to see a doctor, some counselling and some time out. It took a few years but she’s happier than ever at the moment and working part time now is suiting her well.
You maybe need to have a chat with her and find out what the real problem is.
My wife had a good sales job but was finding it increasingly restricted by stupid rules, not to mention the worsening traffic. She resigned and not really surprisingly we conceived a few months later after trying for a year. Our joint income dropped but we managed. I carried on working while she raised our child and assumed the role of stay-at-home wife, which she hated but really she had little choice as it would have been bonkers for me to arrive back from work at 6.30 and for her to say "Cook the dinner then you can do some cleaning".
You might 'win' the battle but be sure the war will be lost. Communication is key, add in a bit of actual listening and reflect back to her what you hear. It's a partnership and you have to work together, as many have said above find out why and go from there.
Wife has announced she wants to give up work
My wife gave up work for a few years when we had our second child.
She's now in a senior position and earns £30k more than me.
As above - the issue is not that she's actually doing this, it's why.
Unless there would be a finance issue I'm not sure why you'd want to stop her. Let her give it a go and see what happens - she may decide it's not for her and go back to work.
Happy wife - happy life*
* no guarantees implied or given
My wife hasn’t worked a full week in 16 years
Have you tried mentioning that to her? Should be interesting when you do:-)
Have you tried mentioning that to her?
Yep. 6pm every Friday.
It's getting a bit old now if i'm honest. 🙂
Still, i have the school holidays to look forward to as she doesn't work them either, even though she works in a bank. Term time contract innit.
Lots of jobs are often pretty crappy, so who can blame her!
Well, looking after kids is tough
Bill thinks otherwise
My wife gave up work when we had our second. She'd only gone back 2 days a week after first maternity leave so that she would qualify for statuatory maternity pay with the second.
But, she worked in childcare which is woefully undervalued and underpaid. Our son wasn't allowed to attned the nursery she worked in due to understandable conflict of interest. By the time we had paid for his childcare she was coming out with about £10 per day profit. It really wasn't worth the stress it cause.
So when our second was born it was a no-brainer that she wasn't going to be going back to work anytime soon.
She was much happier for it and so was I.
Now that the youngest has just started school she has returned back in to part time work 2-3days a week and fitting it around school hours.
I gave up work at the age of 28 for 5 years to be a full time stay at home parent, on the agreement that I would go back to work once our eldest started school. We swapped roles after the birth of or our third child ( 10 years ago). It was hard at first I was earning a third of what she had been, but the tax credit system made up a lot of the shortfall we still had to cut back on our spending. I wouldn't want to go back to that wasteful materialistic lifestyle now, we value our time together as a family more. One of use has taken the kids to nursery or school everyday of their lives and been home for them, I don't think you can put a price on that.
Things we gave up, flying, new cars bought on credit and anything else bought on credit( we save up for large purchases), A glass of wine every evening (I barely drink now), eating out every weekend, takeaway coffee, smashed avocado on toast, new bikes ( my new bike is 11 years old, the kids all have second hand bikes), a 4/5 bed house the 5 of us live in a modest 3 bed bungalow.
Nothing to see here....
Except....
I presume a lot of parents have had this battle, anyone fought it and won?
Lots of chat about giving up work when having kids here, however the OP hasn’t even hinted at that being the case
I'm intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
perchypanther
Member
Except….
How very dare you point out that that I didn't read it properly!
She resigned and not really surprisingly we conceived a few months later after trying for a year.
Well what else is there to do with so much spare time.
outofbreath
Member
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
It really isn't. Sacking off work to look after kids has all kinds of implications. Sacking off work just because you don't want to work is quite different
Well what else is there to do with so much spare time.
Homes Under the Hammer?
I presume a lot of parents have had this battle
The sums when my second one arrived didn't work out that my wife staying in work and paying a ton of childcare was worthwhile in any way.
Her work was not "career" at that point so there weren't any real considerations on that front, your situation may differ.
Lastly, how do you pin a value on one parent being around for the children during their formative years?
I do like Martel.....she's like a budget Karen Gillan.....
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless
We talked about it, her reasons for wanting to look for more from what she was doing, the fact she didn't get the opportunity to study post school whereas I did. Her job was having an impact on her mental health, and I'm an advocate of changing that and prioritising your health above some income.
I care more about her than I do about whether we are both contributing equally to mortgage, bills etc etc. I also enjoy what I do and am prepared to change it if I don't like it. I was working in London for a few years, better paid than I am now, really interesting company, but the commute was taking a toll on my time and my health, so I changed it, less money, but now a bike ride to work, 15kg lighter and happier for it.
It may also help that while working in London I worked with a coach, she taught me a lot and opened my eyes to looking at who I am vs who I want to be. Why I do the things I do and how I can think about them and make decisions rather than just acting emotionally.
She resigned and not really surprisingly we conceived a few months later after trying for a year.
Two clones of the current Dr Who both have IVF?
I’m intested in how people have resolved the situation regardless. Kids/no kids the principle is the same.
Tell us more about how the principle is the same?
With kids there's a strong case for one of the parents to be off work for an extended period of time.
Without... ?