[Closed] Why do so many people split up?

Well, I did kind of [url= http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/why-do-so-many-people-split-up#post-5857334 ]say that[/url].

I think it's because people are more like children than they have ever been. People often lack the emotional maturity to live a life with someone else because they never really grew up themselves. The number one cause of break ups seems to be that one party does something selfish and blames their shoddy behaviour on the other party. They then happily move on and never actually talk like an adult or accept responsibility for their actions.
I've seen lots of breakups recently and it's all down down to acting like a bad kid/teenager, wanting instant gratification or to be the centre of all things.

Hora- [i]You should foster independence, rules and respect.[/i]
I agree. But that does come from a single moment but through years of dedication, education, love and support.
JUST[i] the basics/groundwork not attempt to micro-manage your children?[/i]
Even after basics/groundworks have been done, simply neglecting and being left to develop themselves will leave kids more confused. Especially if parents are off doing their own thing when they need support, guidance and answers.

[i]joolsburger[/i][b] Very good point. Too much me me me. I want, I want, I want.

How old are your kids, Hora?

I've seen a few break ups among junior's classmates recently, I reckon the kids played a major role. There was a collective "we're going to give our parents death" in the class. We fought back. No phone, no computer access, doing nothing for him, being as odious to him as he was to us - to no avail, but the next steps were taking the Telecaster away and not taking him to ski races, he's been fine for a couple of months, not even talking down to us.

If either parent sides with the kids the couple is in trouble.

At the risk of adding petrol to an already largish fire...I'm with joolburger on this on...

Maybe people split up because we as humans are inherently selfish? We get to a point where we can't / don't want to consider the needs / desires of others before our own.

(pins colours to mast) I got married cause I really loved my better half despite her having loads of traits I didn't really like or agree with. ( I was perfect!) We have loads of arguments, however most of them boil down to 'I want my own way and I'm not willing to concede any ground regardless of whatever the issue is'.

Yes, I know that this will be viewed as being idealistic and an 'out of date' belief but I honestly believe it we sometimes considered others and not just ourselves we'd have way less disputes.

(Quickly puts a bullet proof vest on and crawls under the desk...)

[b]rosscopeco[/b] - Your right. People aren`t prepared to put others before themselves, partners or kids. Simples.

My names Kirk and I work in Sales......

I've seen many relationships break up because people are in love with being in love and [b]not[/b] in love with their partners.

People meet, their partner gets put on a pedestal and then eventually they realise they fart, pick their nose, are a bit thick and so on. Then it's "Chuck him, get another" and the cycle starts all over again.

Happened with my sister many many moons ago when she got married one week after her eighteenth birthday and started divorce proceedings nine months later.

As for kids I get the feeling they rarely get to be kids any more as they do nothing apart from being shuttled from one sport/dance class/etc. to another.

All the girls that I "knew" from my formative years are all divorced, apart from the one I married.

Guess it's just easier and more socially acceptable these days.

Too many selfish people about nowadays, there are a lot of people who see their kids as an inconvenience, can't wait to get rid of them for a night out on the lash.
The same bloody folk who are always having a crisis, up to their eyeballs in dept, then in the next breath telling you about the new telly, phone or car their getting.

As the author of one of those threads, I feel like we have been given a second chance. Whatever situation you are in...if you want to be in it, then keep it fresh. We both got complacent, but a few days apart has cemented what (for me at least) is the real thing.

If after 15 years I can still adore my wife, that's a great thing in my opinion.

I have said to anyone that will listen, don't take anyone (mates, family, partners) for granted.

Men and Women were meant to get together , have kids in their twenties and die in their thirties , they were never intended to live to be 100 and be together for 80 years .

If either parent sides with the kids the couple is in trouble.

Twinw4ll so your saying we should stay in until the child(ren) move out?

A nights R&R for a couple from the front can do wonders for a relationship IMO

If you've done the basics/framework - simply shown them a positive role model surely everything else falls into place?

At the age they want a toy car for their birthday maybe. When their peer group becomes the role model it gets a little harder. Sadexpunk to the forum please.

Same reason there are so many "wood burning stoves" threads.

A nights R&R for a couple from the front can do wonders for a relationship IMO

These are wise words. It's incredibly easy to put your relationship on hold because of the children, your work, your individual pastimes and general tiredness etc. people forget that a lot of what they have has stemmed from the relationship and if that bit isn't nurtured then it can morph into something that can appear insurmountable to one or both of you.

It's not about being selfish, it's about giving the thing that made it all happen some time, effort and focus. That's not selfish, it's essential.

Some people seem to have a rather smug attitude towards their own relationships and kids. I suspect they are either rather early in their own journeys or whistling in the dark hoping it does happen to them.

It can and often will. Some attention to where you are currently may help. But not always.

There have always been bad relationships and marriages and affairs. The divorce rate in many places is actually going down. But if people are less willing to piss their one life away whilst showing their kids how bad it can be... That's good... Right?

Sort of O/T - what is really starting to annoy me is the proliferation of dating ads on tv etc. Of course they are just competing for the business (a growing market) but is it all starting to create a 'its alright to swap/change partners multiple times'?

I really don't believe that all parents in the 70's etc were miserable with each other etc. Like making debt socially acceptable and gambling (also on ads) more and more accessible what are we doing to out society?

Consumerism gone mad in our person love lives too?

I'm starting to sound like a prude but I once watched a episode of Sex in the City when one of the characters was banged on the bonnet of a car then went into a bar and pulled the barman (etc). I turned to the missus and said 'do you actually watch this crap'?! (its not for real honey).

Back to my point- dating made easy (you don't have to stay with the wrong person/you CAN find that one for you). Yes- people can find the right person 🙂 but what about a growing trend? People seeing relationships as temporary and easily disposable more and more to a greater degree in their 30/40's?

Once upon a time it was the was attention seeking, pisshead-females I knew who couldn't hold a boyfriend down. One day, will that be the majority?

Oh and on the night away from the child(ren)- I reserve the right to jet off for a weekend in Barcelona (etc) whilst my sister in law (lovingly) has a great weekend with my son.

Whats selfish about that?

These are wise words. It's incredibly easy to put your relationship on hold because of the children, your work, your individual pastimes and general tiredness etc. people forget that a lot of what they have has stemmed from the relationship and if that bit isn't nurtured then it can morph into something that can appear insurmountable to one or both of you.

It's not about being selfish, it's about giving the thing that made it all happen some time, effort and focus. That's not selfish, it's essential

What happens then though is that the bloke books it all, pays for the hotel, the expensive meal, the beer/wine, then the wife tells him it's the time of the month and the best he's getting is to watch match of the day while she falls asleep at 10.30pm as she's tired.... Bloke then gets even MORE frustrated and has spent £200 he could have spent on bike parts..

Far easier to spend £200 on bike parts, remove the wife from the equation with internet porn and just be happy you have a nice bike 🙂

Riding your bike is like eating and sleeping. Its the basics and should be done regularly.

Family and relationships are the icing on the cake and should be indulged and enjoyed.

Time you taught your partner some new tricks, Weeksy.

I wonder how much of it is down to the modern obsession with vanity and youth. Most folks I know who split up were in their 30's and it smacks of the whole losing the youth and good looks thing. That, allied to the fact that people are getting more and more selfish, and there isn't much of a stigma to separation/divorce now either.

Totally with hora and yossarian on this..
I think that we can add here maybe that society has made us see relationships as disposable..

Having separated at Christmas, I think both my ex and I would wholeheartedly concur that we did not make enough time for the relationship.. Young kids and work pressures got in the way, bickering was a symptom and eventually became the norm..

We knew what needed to change and kept promising to prioritise our relationship, but we could always find excuses to put our last drops of energy into the wrong place..then when you're running on empty it's just too easy to flop down in front of the box, or hit fb or stw to zone out and rest your brain..

when crunch time came, and I moved my stuff out, I hoped that the finality of the situation would be the wake up call we needed, the end of the beginning rather than just the end..

Mrs yunki however, being 29 years old (anyone remember turning 30? Prime of your life, ultimate confidence, devil may care attitude and a second flush of youthful vigour) and ten years my junior, saw an opportunity for a big new adventure and was more than happy to grab that opportunity with both hands, cackling with glee

So now I'm still an exhausted depressed house husband, but my gaff is smaller, easier to keep clean, I get two days off per week and the only simmering undercurrent of despair is my own

This wont apply to anyone or everyone, just me but I sometimes think I'm the Author of my own demise. I've noticed that I've let myself slip (MrsH commented 'you don't wear your nice shirts anymore'), I started wearing tshirts more and more. Almost like a tired 18yr old.

So - I was thinking, theres me no longer making an effort. I wonder if I asked my mates what I could improve upon/how shit a mate am I? I'd get a fair few criticisms.

With that in mind, if you are with me every day- more than anyone else- you too see all this but magnified.

So - I'm going to ditch the tshirts and sloppy aspects of myself. Make an effort again.

(just musing out loud).

I blame [s]thatcher[/s] hollyoaks

hora - Member
This wont apply to anyone or everyone, just me but I sometimes think I'm the Author of my own demise. I've noticed that I've let myself slip (MrsH commented 'you don't wear your nice shirts anymore'), I started wearing tshirts more and more. Almost like a tired 18yr old.

So - I was thinking, theres me no longer making an effort. I wonder if I asked my mates what I could improve upon/how shit a mate am I? I'd get a fair few criticisms.

With that in mind, if you are with me every day- more than anyone else- you too see all this but magnified.

So - I'm going to ditch the tshirts and sloppy aspects of myself. Make an effort again.

(just musing out loud).

That sir is a very good point...

I often get home, throw a pair of shorts on and a sweatshirt....

People are optimistic, for the most part. So they overlook the inherent in any situation and focus on what they think they CAN achieve. So when faced with a partner they think it'll be great.

Lets imagine it's 150 years ago...

150 years ago I think the attitude towards marriage was different. Then people would get together, have some sex maybe, and then if they got bored of each other they'd just leave each other alone. He'd go to work and make some money and go to the pub after, she'd work in the house, look after 8 kids and natter to her mates who're all in the same village/town/street anyway.

I once watched a episode of Sex in the City when...

The characters in that show are not supposed to be real women. They represent aspects of the female condition, the (fanciful) idea being that all women are made up varying amounts of those four types - intellectualism, libido, ambition and domesticity.

150yrs ago?

Why does each generation have a 'they never did it' attitude about previous generations and only in the 60's did people have sex/take drugs? 😀

Our parents did it like the clappers. Some couples upto their 70's still do it regularly health permitting!

The Village bike has been around for centuries.

I stayed in a 15th century Inn in Warwick. The owner told me that Henry VIII used to go there as the girls in the area were known to be up for it/loose with anyone.

Our parents did it like the clappers.

Saw a documentary about this a while ago. Some people in the 30s/40s were going at it, but many weren't. There was really no sex education either formally or otherwise and no-one talked about it properly, so a lot of people had no idea how to have good sex and many never figured it out.

Completely innocent people called Kirk and working in Sales are going to be dragged into Car parks and publicly lynched by angry mobs today. If I was a Kirk I'd be keeping me head down for 48hrs.

Hora - I'm with your musings...

Still making an effort when the instinctive response to just slob is very important. I've only recently started working from home after 20+ years of being suited and booted every day. Personally speaking the novelty / temptation to just pull on a pair of shorts / T wasn't helpful. Incidentally 'm not saying I put on a suit for working at home but I do 'generally' make the effort to put some smart(ish) stuff on.

The whole consumerism thing is also an interesting slant. We are constantly bombarded with images of 'this is what you/your partner should look/behave like'. Eventually, this 'standard' becomes our standard of what beauty is. I make every effort to strive towards ensuring that my standard of beauty is Mrs Rossco. Not always possible (I'm male & human) but if I go about with the attitude that there 'may' be something better out there then I'm always going to be looking for it. (N+1!!)

If I was a Kirk I'd be keeping me head down for 48hrs.

Kirk will be fine - it's always the one in the red shirt who gets killed.

I'm in my 50's and none of my friends have happy marriages. Once you've done the bringing up kids thing and they've left home, life takes on a different hue.

It used to be that the over 50's had the highest divorce rate, I reckon that's changed somewhat due to people not being able to afford to get divorced.

My life has changed dramatically and am happy being on my own and always will be. Love having my own space and cluttering it up with bikes!

I do however feel that people often don't try hard enough to make a relationship work, kids do create a huge strain on sanity and finances and perhaps folk just can't hack that.

hora has made a good point about not making any effort with clothes, I reckon we should all take that on board.

Of course the grass is always greener but people should have realistic expectations with their eyes fully open.

My ramblings, if you can make sense of them. 🙂

No offence to binners but me and him were sat in a pub recently and we BOTH looked like 40yr old men wearing skateboard-esque clothing from head to foot.

I also hadn't shaven for a while.

Imagine non-cycling female partner sat in jogpants/10yr old tshirt and greasy hair? Attractive.

Kirk from sales?

[img] [/img]

Who could resist?

Imagine non-cycling female partner sat in jogpants/10yr old tshirt and greasy hair?

I feel a stirring in my loins...

😉

Ok, I'll wash my hair, don't go on!

trackie bottoms are comfy, it's either those or the pink PJ's.

I had a real thing for Sheridan Smith in Two Pints of Lager...woof!

[img] [/img]

I think there's definitely an element of instant gratification culture and being sold an impossible dream/taught to constantly be unsatisfied by advertising etc.

Been with my wife for 18 years (33 now) and you can't help wondering how things might have turned out differently sometimes - but in general it's great. Think you do have to make a conscious effort to keep things fresh/interesting.

No kids to complicate matters though!

Thats another thing, just because everyone around you is having kids DONT feel like you have to conform.

and you can't help wondering how things might have turned out differently sometimes

I've been out with a better looking girl. I've been out with a girl with bigger boobs and blue eyes.

However they didn't have what held my attention. You can't quantify that can you? A keeper.

As c_g so wisely said, plus...

[i]Thats another thing, just because everyone around you is having kids DONT feel like you have to conform.[/i]

... tell that to the one you're with.

And I suspect there's something related to moving away from home to study and work, thereby losing family support.

I have. Do you really want one? Well I don't want to get to an age when its too late.

Do you?

Then, everyone is having two- you don't want your son to grow up lonely do you?

Passive brainwashing.