[Closed] Who's regret splitting/divorcing partner

I moved out of the family home when my eldest (now 17) was 5. Hardest thing I've ever done and I hated myself for doing it for months.

Never regretted it for a second.

Done it and I was upset for a long-time simply for leaving the young un. Never regretted it though as it was the right thing to do.

Edit: I did regret leaving my little-girl. I should have scooped her up and taken her with me 😥

Never regretted divorce. It was (however unhappy and painful at the time) the right thing to do.

Hardest decision I ever made, but never regretted it for one minute.

Nope

TBH if it happens it is because there is nothing else to do

No one walks out /gives up on marriage where kids are involved

Takes longer than you think to get sorted though.

I think everyone regrets it in the sense they wish they could avoid it
TBH if i knew what I know now I would have split sooner tbh to stop both of us acting like arseholes and doing even more damage as we still share kids but struggle to talk civily 3 years later

No one walks out /gives up on marriage where kids are involved

Not according to mumsnet. Some sad stories on there.

Yes, very much so during the process. It was hell wondering if I'd done the right thing, what would happen to me, would I be broken financially.

But, you get past that. You go beyond the doubt and into the phase where you absolutely know it was right.

I have no regrets now, none. And I can't entirely understand why I ever worried about it.

Hindsight cures all.

Good luck.

Do you love her? Yes stay no walk away. It really is that simple.

That being said I fu£@ing hate my mother for leaving my dad regardless of her reasons and moving me (4) and my sister (5) into some ****stains life, never have forgiven her and never will.

Regretted it because of what it may have done to my kids (then 3 and 6, now both in there twenties). But it wasn't me, best thing I ever did for me, had to be done.

Edit: And I always kept regular contact with my kids.

I guess it's never straightforward Pik n Mix, your honesty in the first sentence is powerful.

So how do you go about taking the step when it seems it's only going to make you less happy, and you know your kids will be less happy?

So how do you go about taking the step when it seems it's only going to make you less happy, and you know your kids will be less happy?

Honestly, in my case I tried to picture myself and my family in the same situation in another 5,10,15 years. That did it for me.

Going through it now. Don't want to, but there's no reasoning with her. She's even kicked off when the paperwork arrived and is still trying to contest it. My kids now have access to me, and we're getting into a routine but it's not the same. It's better, but worse. I get to be fun Dad, just have them for the fun things in life. Go for days out, teach them to swim etc. but that's not fair on anyone. Unlike the Yellow pages, I want to be there for the nasty things in life.

Hope that makes sense.

I've spent a little time recently looking over the edge. At the moment I cannot imagine not being around for my kids every day and I'll pretty much do whatever I can to either make it work or deal with it not working. I'm not sure how sustainable this is though.

Complete sense Rossendalelemming. Did you make it clear to your kids when you left or were they too young?

Yossarian, sharing a big deal with you. Let me know how it goes & I will do the same.

Austinburner - I was ousted, see other threads. The kids are 9 & 11 and sort of get what's going on. I did like the fact they reported back "Dad's a lot happier now" where as their mum is turning into the grumpy parent.

Question- what is the tipping point for people to make that move?

Can it be just 'don't love them anymore'? I don't think that is enough?

Can it be just 'don't love them anymore'? I don't think that is enough?

can you face the next 20, 30, 40 years of life in a situation where you are with someone you don't love? is that really doing either of you any favours, surely they deserve to be loved and feel wanted and have passion in their lives even if you you just want a safe little stable world?

Sad this happens but good to hear that people can come out of the other side and be happy again. Those going through it now - it must be hard...

hora - Member
Question- what is the tipping point for people to make that move?

For me: The ex was a nut-case and it was move or smash her face in and regret spending the next 20 years or so behind bars.

Question- what is the tipping point for people to make that move?

Divorce is the last resort. It one day becomes finally clear that there is absolutely no future together, that all other options have been explored and exhausted, and that — in the long term — you'll both be happier apart.

For me: The ex was a nut-case and it was move or smash her face in and regret spending the next 20 years or so behind bars.

This obviously anyone can understand.

can you face the next 20, 30, 40 years of life in a situation where you are with someone you don't love? is that really doing either of you any favours, surely they deserve to be loved and feel wanted and have passion in their lives even if you you just want a safe little stable world?

Theres the western idea of companionship and modern day feeling of 'you owe yourself' there? For me companionship/a partnership is more important.

Sometimes people change halfway through their life- what they want from life etc which means they aren't the same person when they were in their 20's. Essentially they are a totally different person now.

If you mean that- that I can understand.

Flipside it- no one is going to feel that passionate about a balding bloke with a larger waist though are they?

Or on a really basic level- you get bored of shagging the same person.

For me it was about communication - by the time my ex told me she wanted out it was too late to do anything about it - she said she had tried to talk to me before but I hadn't listened - at the time I blamed her but I now know it's 50:50 - I also think having kids meant we had less time for each other. Everything has worked out for the best though so there is light at the end of the tunnel, it can just take a long time to reach it.

All I say to my friends who have young children is to think long and hard making decisions like that when so much of your time and energy is spent with your children as the main focus. Relationships with your partner can suffer and may improve when the kids are more independent and you can put some more energy back into it.

That said I am happy now, and the children get the best of both of us. And selfishly maybe - I get to do what I want every other weekend and ride my bike as much as I like without being accused of having an affair. If and when I ever decide to settle down again it will be with someone who rides!

Pic n mix - sad to hear, I hope you find a way to forgive her. My recent ex turned on my son from my previous relationship when were splitting up. It was horrible I have never felt so guilty as I felt I had let my son down - in turn he resented me for my choice of partner. Teenage parenting is hard enough without that thrown into the mix, luckily we have worked through that but it was far from easy.

For me companionship/a partnership is more important.

The other one's got bells on, hora

No one walks out /gives up on marriage where kids are involved

Take it from me, they do.

I was so relieved when my parents divorced. We went from a house in which there was constant arguing and horrible atmosphere to one of calm.
To be honest I blocked most of it out but it certainly turned out well.

I have never been married but was in a relationship for 15 years and have one child from that relationship. The only regret I have is that I didn't leave sooner. I knew it wasn't right and ended up wasting years of my life that could have been spent being as happy as I am now. £ Broke but happy.

hora Flipside it- no one is going to feel that passionate about a balding bloke with a larger waist though are they?

IMHO this couldn't be more wrong.

IMHO this couldn't be more wrong.

Hey, don't get me wrong. I'd love to be proved wrong on that front 😆

Emma, I take it that means you have found happiness with a balding bloke with a large waist - very sweet

Either that or you are flirting with hora :-O

(Only joking hora - we are all lovable)

Hmmmm.... I have recently stepped back from this particular precipice as I just couldn't leave my children.

Although, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up. 23 years married this year - no physical side to our relationship for years and I feel like I'm only tolerated because I provide somewhere nice to live.

The only regret I have is that I didn't leave sooner. I knew it wasn't right and ended up wasting years of my life that could have been spent being as happy as I am now. £ Broke but happy.

+1

runs out to shave head and double my weight

I used to work with a women and I quote her very words

"I F*@!ing hate the ugly F"@~ but I don't want to be poor" and she wasn't referring to our boss...

Now that's what I call evil personified.

Best thing i ever did, devastated at the time, thought my life was over but 5 years in i realise how unhappy i was compared to how great things are now. One life etc

No one walks out /gives up on marriage where kids are involved

Utter cobblers that, I'm afraid. People not only do, but do so for the right reasons. The assumption that its always better for a couple to stay together for the benefit of the children is frankly ridiculous. It works on a ludicrous premise that a life with 2 people in a dead relationship is better than those people separating and being happier.

Leaving is so hard, and the period of adjustment is horrifically, at times physically, painful on a daily basis. For a long time.

But it can be worth it. Time heals. and everyone can be happy. Most of all the children. This whole idea that ending a relationship is synonymous with 'abandoning' your children is a remnant of some puritanical 1950's Daily Mail lifestyle with little basis in reality for most people. It implies you don't love your children, and in most peoples cases that is simply insulting.

Another skint, but happy here

I did it 6 years ago and worried about my little princess but I couldnt stay another second with her mum. The mum was a big mistake, the product of our union, my daughter, was the biggest success in my life.

Like others have said: stay in the kids life as much as you possibly can, as frequently and regularly as you can.

A kid is better having two happy seperate parents than living with raging arguments.

[i]It really is that simple.[/i]

In the words of Sir binners - "utter cobblers".
Nothing in this life is more complicated.

What's more simple than yes I love them we are worth fighting for, or no the love has gone its over.

Pic n mix - sad to hear, I hope you find a way to forgive her. My recent ex turned on my son from my previous relationship when were splitting up. It was horrible I have never felt so guilty as I felt I had let my son down - in turn he resented me for my choice of partner. Teenage parenting is hard enough without that thrown into the mix, luckily we have worked through that but it was far from easy.

My case is a little more complicated, I don't hide the fact that I'm Bipolar it has ruined my whole life to the point where i wish they hadn't been so selfish and have me when the relationship was drawing to an end. It is only recently that the root cause of my illness has been associated with the trauma suffered in my (very) early years by mostly my mothers new partner but also for my mother allowing it to happen. I really don't think we will ever get past that issue.

Obviously I'm a rare case, it clearly doesn't effect the thousands of "normal" kids that unfortunately have to go through their parents bad choices as badly as it has me.

God, I'm lucky.

Nearly 12 years of marriage, (together for 5 years before that), with 2 great kids. Yes, we row, sometimes give each other the silent treatment for a day or 2. We disagree on many things, the pettiness of which is usually inversely related to the amount of sleep said kids are allowing us to have.
But never, ever, ever would consider a life apart. The same vows we made about "to death do us part" also included the vows about "in sickness and in health", which inlcudes mental wellbeing, and "richer/poorer to love and to cherish". It goes both ways, you both have to love and cherish each other, and to ensure that you're doing your bit to be deserving of that love and cherishing.

Sorry, I'm not a marriage counsellor, I'm just happily married.

You are indeed lucky bandito. I thought I was too 😐

Very saddening this thread to see so many unhappy people. Also to see so many who've split up.

sometimes give each other the silent treatment for a day or 2

I just wont allow that. If I sense any sort of silent treatment I want it spat out and dealt with asap!

i was out with 4 work colleagues a week ago, 1 who's husband hand committed suicide about 20 yrs ago, 1 who left her husband 2 yrs ago and is just baout to divorce, 1 whose wife left a similar time ago but seems to be messin him about and 1 who had just left her husband a couple of weeks ago. It was interesting but a little sad to hear them talking about it and having seen the mess the lady was in who is just about to get divorced i don't envy the one whose life has just turned upside down recently

Once you've got kids, surely the very concept of silence becomes somewhat abstract

Hora junior is like the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to the sanity that be the marriage.

My parents split when I was 11 , I know my dad still loved my mum but she wasn't happy and ran off with one of my school teachers.Dad looked after my sister and I for 4 weeks before her return and then she was awarded custody of us kids. At the time I hated my mother with a passion especially when at 17 I was told 'I'm getting married to Berni and don't think you 2 will get on so you need to find somewhere to live!'.
Mum and Dad argued a lot and it wasn't a nice place to live, their splitting was for the best but the way she went about it still grates a bit.

I'm lucky like ir_bandito , been married for the last 10 years and together for 13 before that(drinking buddies for 2 years before this). We argue but never go to bed pissed with each other even if it means staying up till the early hours.We have 2 kids(8+2)and together with my wife they are the most precious things in my life. I think we're lucky as we were friends before we became lovers. I have become a little larger about the waist and have a rapidly receding hairline but my wife isn't the skinny thing she was when we met either,we accept each others faults and always try to find a middle ground.

Hope the OP can make the right descision for himself and his family.

surely the very concept of silence becomes somewhat abstract

I don't mean it literally. We do still communicate, but maybe its a bit reduced.
Never lasts long 🙂

I think we're lucky as we were friends before we became lovers

Unlike most (all?) others on here, we're still friends, just not lovers. Don't really argue at all (maybe it would be better if we did) or have silences, we agree on most day-to-day things and I'm not sure the kids know there's anything wrong (I sometimes wonder if mrs aracer actually thinks there's anything wrong), which makes it harder as I know leaving won't make it better for them.

no kids - smartest decision I ever made - took me 50mins thrashing my single speed to get rid of the anger. It was plain sialing after that.

It would seem I didn't even love her but I really did, she was (and is I'm sure) the most amazing person I've ever met.

I look back with happiness that we were able to share many great times

25 years of being best pals and lovers...
One stepdaughter and another 14 nearly 15year old.
Last 3 months on he settee
Was told that she hadn't wanted me for a long time and I have to go 🙁
I now switch back and forth from "she still secretly loves me or she will again .
I know she doesn't/ won't as I've tearfully asked/begged her to reconsider.
I find thinking/hoping she does or will still love me keeps me willing to soldier on
Yep indeedee life sure is poop sometimes..

You are indeed lucky bandito. I thought I was too

+1.

I was in a relationship for 22 years 😕

sometimes give each other the silent treatment for a day or 2

NO! Talk, FFS!!!

I look back with happiness that we were able to share many great times

Odd, that. I hoped that would be the case for me... even through the divorce procedure. But 22 years of memories just fill me with sadness and anger in equal measure. So I'm trying to forget. Only way I can think to stay sane and move on.

My first missus must regret leaving me, i'm a right good catch 😀

..she disguises it well by being happily married though 😉

I don't regret splitting from the mother of my child. It was quite a short relationship compared to some on here, she was pregnant within a year of us meeting and we managed another 3 years together but it just wasn't right. We weren't lovers, we weren't really even friends in the end. The only thing we had was our daughter and mutual unhappiness. So yes splitting was the right thing to do. I actually put a lot more effort and energy into my relationship with my daughter now as there isn't the distraction of my own failing relationship.

Plumber seriously one of the most positive things I have read on this subject.

I look back with happiness that we were able to share many great times

Aracer. That must be such a hard position to be in - I can honestly say I wouldn't know what to do.

J

Double post.

That must be such a hard position to be in - I can honestly say I wouldn't know what to do.

Thanks. I do wonder if it would be easier to do something if we were at each others throats.

Divorced.

No regrets whatsoever.

It was pretty much a choice between leaving or killing myself.

Aracer. Exactly the same situation here. We're just friends. We don't fight, argue, scream at each other. We now sleep in separate rooms and I wonder if this is going to be my lot in life.

I have broached the subject but she seems to put her fingers in her ears while going "lalalalalala"

Unlike most (all?) others on here, we're still friends, just not lovers. Don't really argue at all (maybe it would be better if we did) or have silences, we agree on most day-to-day things and I'm not sure the kids know there's anything wrong (I sometimes wonder if mrs aracer actually thinks there's anything wrong), which makes it harder as I know leaving won't make it better for them.

This says to me you really need to talk. Talk to her. Some people fight- clear the air and all is well again. I know a friend who not once had a disagreement or fight with her husband. She thought all was harmonious until he walked out suddenly.

If you don't talk how can you improve/any problems become a white elephant in the room.

Mine left the house I wasn't going to leave. Too many men think its they that have to leave. Surprised a few people that I didn't go down the traditional route. Marriage over? Good bye leave me and the kids you go find yourself a new home and arrange when you want to see the kids.

Hora earlier....

[img] [/img]

Was told that she hadn't wanted me for a long time and I have to go

interesting reading a lot of this. Just about to move out and try and start again with my life...feelings of guilt are immense but I would rather my son has father who is happy and balanced rather than the mess I am at the moment. 😕

It was pretty much a choice between leaving or killing myself.

yep

with a lot of what aracer says in the mix as well.

Sorry to hear that tazzymtb. If its right, then it's right. No amount of guilt will change that.

I'm not sure what I think anymore. I had a right good look over the edge and actually it looked ok. Different but ok. I suppose I'm now working out that my dedication to my lads is driven by my own selfishness as well as concern for their welfare.

It's sounds sort of mad but right now I'm almost indifferent to how things turn out. I'll be ok whatever happens and I suspect that my kids will be too if me and my wife both act in their best interests, regardless of whether we are together or not.

Good luck tazzymtb. I know a bit how you feel. My partner suffers anxiety depression and I think is just about to be made unemployed (been off work since last July) unless he returns. I must admit that I am scared to death of thinking the next 30 years of my life will be filled with running around after him and never knowing happiness again; it's been like this for years. Love is there but I feel more of a carer than a partner. I Just hope things may improve once his job situation is sorted/fixed.

I wish you the best. Get out on your bike, see your lad and enjoy life. Look forward: no regrets in that direction! 😀

All I will say is that if you're unhappy then do something about it. Believe me, you don't want to wake up every morning wishing you were somewhere else.

It's easy to ignore things but who wants to look back and wonder where their life went?

Kind of different for me, i was the one left behind.

No kids, so a blessing there but 9yrs of a relationship and an engagement ring. Thing is, it was pretty crap for ages. We had split up once got back together then pretty much exactly a year later she dropped the other shoe.
It nearly destroyed me but as time went on i realised that not only had we stopped having sex a long while back but that i didn't actually like her (nor her me). In the end i was clinging on because i thought that "this is the best i can do" and that i would suffer financially.

Her leaving was the best thing to happen in that relationship for about 5yrs, it creeps up on you so slowly that you accept the lack of sex/closeness/togetherness as being normal. It's only when you step outside of it that you realise what you are missing out on.

Although i did go through a period of clinical depression and lost my job into the bargain, i came out the other side happier, financially better off, with a woman who loves all of me and three more bikes! 😆

I just wont allow that. If I sense any sort of silent treatment I want it spat out and dealt with asap!

You'll find there are people that tactic doesn't work with. I'm Bipolar (which may or may not be causal). If I'm having a quiet few days, best leave me to it. Sometimes people just need some space. Don't take it personally.

When people aren't given the space they need, and don't take the very many clues, then hints, and finally outright warnings, things can go from a petty disagreement or misunderstand to critical and life-changing in pretty short order.

If a person is already hiding in the corner (mentally), being confrontational and blocking their escape isn't the best way to deal with it.