MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
[b]A stick[/b].
Sorry but I love bad jokes, you got any?
what's orange and sounds like a parrot?
[i]a carrot[/i]
Whats pink and fluffy.?
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Pink fluff. 🙄
What's brown and sounds like a bell
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Dung!!
A man walks in a bar...
..."ouch!"
a horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "why the long face?"
There once was a man from peru,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Best joke ever.
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
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no eye deer 🙂
a white horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "we've got a drink named after you"
Horse says "I'll have a pint of Eric then"
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
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Still no eye deer!
and for my finale....
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitalia?
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still no ****ing eye deer! 😆
I thank you!
Two peanuts walking down the street; one was assaulted.
Two fish in a tank
One turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
WONKEY!
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
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Doug
What do you call a man with no spade on his head?
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Douglas
Why shouldn’t you take a pokemon into the bathroom?
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He might Pikachu.
JAM29er - MemberTwo peanuts walking down the street; one was assaulted.
Ah ..... the famous German "Killer Joke" which they foolishly thought would win them the war.
[8.50 minutes in]
In a sign of how much we have progressed, the Geneva Convention now forbids such jokes.
What's pink and hard?
The Financial Times crossword.
2 monkeys in the bath together, one says- "ooh ooh ooh aah aah aah"
the other says- "well put some cold in then"
what do you do if an elephant comes in the room?
start swimming
what is brown and smells of pine?
A poo in a radox bath
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Major car collision on Spaghetti Junction:
12 injured, 4 pasta way.
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
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Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One turns to the other and says 'can you smell fish'?
[b]Fantastic[/b] thankyou all
- As if I didn't watch it all :lol:(and will again later) Thankyouernie_lynch [8.50 minutes in]
Oh and
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2.30
an English man Irish man and a Welshman walk into a pub, barman says is this some sort of joke?
what do you call an artist with a brown finger?
Picasso
What's the first question at the [insert nemesis of local rough area] pub quiz?
What are you ****ing looking at?
what's round & orange?
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an orange
what do you call a man in a paper bag?
Russell
a bear walks into a bar. "I'll have a pint of lager and a................................................................................................packet of crisps please"
Barman replies "why the big pause?"
god i wish i could post the jimmy carr answer to the OP.
instead
Cheese sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says "sorry sir we don't serve food"
Bloke walks into a bar and says "have you got any helicopter crisps?" Barman says "sorry sir we only serve plane"
Blokes walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his head. "my god" says the barman "how did that happen?"
"well" says the frog "it started out as a boil on my arse"
did you hear about the constipated mathematician? he worked it out with a pencil
I've got loads of Volcano jokes to tell but thought I'd let the dust settle first
Two birds sitting on a perch. One says, "Can you smell fish?"
What's brown and rhymes with Dre?
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Snoop.
Police arrested 2 blokes - one for impersonating a firework, the other for impersonating a battery.
they charged one and let the other one off.
whats green and turns red at the push of a button?
frog in a liquidiser
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
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Bob
Anal
Why do girls wear make up and perfume?
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'Cos they're ugly and they smell.
What do you call a man with a pig on his head?
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Hamed
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What do you call a man with 2 pigs on his head?
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Mohammed
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What do you call a man with 2 pigs on his head, standing between 2 buildings?
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Mohammed Ali
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
Because he kneeded a poo.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry.
Different answer to the OP's one, i wont write it all out...
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My Beyonce Poster 🙂
what's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's finger
what's worse then a dog chewing your shoe?
an killer whale eating your trainer
what's E.T short for?
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it's because he had little legs
2 men on a bridge above a river......
1st man attaches a Parrot to each arm and shoulder and jumps off! BIG splash, allmost dies but makes it back to the river bank...
2nd man attaches a budgie to each arm and shoulder and jumps off! BIG splash, allmost dies but makes it to the river bank....
1 st man says " dont recon much to this PARROT gliding"....
2nd man says "this BUDGIE jumping is crap as well......
😉 😛
tazzymtb - MemberHow many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
Thats funny - evil and twisted but the only on that I genuine loled at
Two lions escape from Blackpool zoo, they're walking along the seafront and one says to the other..
"I thought it would be busier than this on a bank holiday Monday"
Man points a gun at a woman in the ice cream van.
"Give me an ice cream!"
"Do you want chopped nuts with that?"
"Do you want your tits blowing off?"
Why's the queen a slag?
Cos shes got E.R. written on her knickers
what's brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards ?
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The Isle of Wight ferry
(it's white, doesn't steam, forwards I think and Cowes is spelt wrong but I loved that joke when I was ten)
What do the lions at London zoo get for lunch?
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Half an hour, same as the tigers...
whats red and hard and goes in tarts ?
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rhubarb 😆
A man walks into the doctors with a carrot in his ear and a stick of celery up his nose.
the doctor says "you're not eating properly."
whats red and lies on its side?
a dead bus
what do you call an italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
what do you call a frenchman in sandals?
Phillipe Fillop
Whats red and smells of paint?
Red paint
and to finish my favourite joke of the 21st century
When does saddam hussain have his dinner?
when Tariq Aziz
I went to the zoo the other day. It was rubbish! Only had one animal, a small dog.
It was a Shih Tzu
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg.
I need to wait for my 9yo to come home from school before I post any other cr@p jokes, he's got a good few to share.
😆
Any more??
Why do mice have small balls?
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Because not many know how to dance
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
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Microwave it until its bill withers.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down a hill and turned into a field
What's E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
Two blonds walk into a bar.... you'd have thought the 2nd one would have seen it.
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom boom.
how do you annoy Lady GaGa?
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Poker Face
2 snowmen in a field 1 turns to the other says "can you smell carrots?"
2 Nuns in a bath, one says,
"Where's the soap"
The other says,
"Yes it does doesn't it."
Bill and Ben in the bath.
Bill farts, Ben says,
"About half past 10"
what do ypu call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
What do you call afly with no wings?
A walk!
A penguin walks into a bar and asks "has my brother been in?"
Barman replies " Dunno, whats he look like?"
😆
Dont usually ask people to explain jokes...
But beamers -
beamers - Member
2 Nuns in a bath, one says,
"Where's the soap"
The other says,
"Yes it does doesn't it."
I have heard that plenty of times before, but never 'got' it. Somebody please explain 🙂
A few of my favourites
my dog minton ate my shuttlecock
bad minton
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I have heard that plenty of times before, but never 'got' it. Somebody please explain
Handyman
Really?
Nuns are celibate right?
Where's = wears
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
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Cos the parrots eat the all...
What's brown and rhymes with 'Snoop'?
Dr Dre
What's pink and hard?The Financial Times crossword.
What's pink and Hard? A pig with a baseball bat
A man walks into a bar; "Looking good, have you been working out?" say the peanuts. "Yeah but he's bald and he smells" says the fruit machine.
Confused, the man goes to the bar and the barman says "The peanuts are complimentary, sorry the fruit machine's out of order".
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
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He drowned on his own vimto.
What do call a cow with Wings?
Linda McCartney
(Possibly a Tommy Cooper one)
One in five people in the world is Chinese.
I've got five brothers: Bob, Jim, Mike, Dingxiang and Pete...
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I think it's Jim.
what did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
What do you call a man with an arm on his head?
Ahmed
Two nuns riding bikes down a cobbled street. One says, "I've never come this way before"
The other says, "Oh, I have...."
did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
he worked it out with a pencil!
😆
Some good (bad) ones there,what about sick jokes?
What's red and screams?
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A peeled baby in a bucket of salt
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
😳
What do you call a man with fifty rabbits up his bum?
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Warren