Mine was - She could eat an apple through a letterbox with those teeth.
Go on, whats yours?
mine was...'i hope you choke on it, you greedy girl' 😯
Kebab?
No officer it's for ****ting tent pegs in not for ****ting ****s 8)
"Hope your next Sh!ts a Hedgehog"
two ive used recently are
'just cos youve hairs round your lips doesnt mean you have to talk like a ....'
and
'at birth you were only an inch away from being a turd'
i do like those two 😉
Bald bloke to grey bloke: 'bloody 'ell you've gone grey....'
Grey bloke to bald bloke: 'yeah, it's worrying about going bald that's done it!' 🙂
Someone elses but made me smile.
you have deusions of adequacey
at working helping someone fil in their CV *
Client: whats education mean?
me: Just leave it blank
Perfect snide dig the room chuckled but it went over his head.
Stop eating and do some exercise always amuses me. Obviously aimed at fat people with attitude. 😈
A firefighter on this forum (can't remember his name - mick ?) once said that one of his slightly overweight colleagues was at the scene of an incident, when amongst the usual crowd of kids, one made a comment about him being fat. He responded by saying :
"That's because every time I shag your mum, I get a pat on the head and she gives me a biscuit"
😀 Gotta be one of the best put downs ever, even if it was used against a kid...... I was almost tempted to try and put on weight so that I could use one day 8)
Yelled at a dickhead car driver who I'd caught up at the lights
'Were you born a c***, or have you had to work really hard at it?'
mick...I distinctly remember you using your first comment at me on a thread a while back.
Oh, how I laughed...
Second-hand, is this...
Mountain biker rides up behind a couple who are out on a walk and unintentionally startles her, but she gets self-righteously theatrical...
She says, "shouldn't you have a bell on that bike?"
MTBer says to him, "shouldn't you have a muzzle on that dog?"
Spectacularly rude, but very very funny
at working helping someone fil in their CV *
Client: whats education mean?
me: Just leave it blankPerfect snide dig the room chuckled but it went over his head.
Such irony given the terrible lack of punctuation, spellings, inconsistent capitalisation etc 😀
'Your not worth a c**t full of cold p**s'
'You'd have to buck up to be useless'
Can't say these any more or HR come knocking
To a girl
The only two thing I know that have rings through their noses are pig and cows and you could be either one.
Such irony given the terrible lack of punctuation, spellings, inconsistent capitalisation etc
I reckon you can get away with that on a forum
I almost alway ignore punctuation on here as it riles the anal pedants who kindly self out themselves 😉
In a letter or CV you have a point but on here why worry/care?
Its not like I don't use double negatives to confuse you is it?
nothing humorous yet............
Bloke in a pub,said to my ex-wifes twin sister,who was a little,er,shall I say 'overweight'...
"Blimey,love,were you first to the breakfast table every morning?"
Chuckling like **** as I type... 😆
who spat in yopur test-tube?
I was looking at underpants in a busy mens clothing store when my GF shouted: "Large? you've never been large in your life!" and everyone looked.
I reckon you can get away with that on a forum
Of course you can get away with irony on here ..........in fact ..... it should be celebrated ! 😀
That's why Si did us a favour by pointing it out (I missed it first time) 8)
Grumpy people who talk about "anal pedants" and can't laugh at their own mistakes, are more tedious though
Mine:
Me? C**t? yes,
But it's c**t's like me that make prick's like you stand to attention!!
"That's because every time I shag your mum, I get a pat on the head and she gives me a biscuit"
This was a take on what was apparently originally said by Otto Brandes, a tubby cricketer, to Glen McGrath. Great line. 🙂
'Another classic example of the genre was an exchange between Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath and Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes. ‘Hey, Brandes, why are you so ****ing fat?’, shouted McGrath. ‘Cos every time I **** your wife she gives me a biscuit’, replied the former chicken farmer.'
This is quite amusing too:
'For example, when Sri Lankan skipper Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner during a one-day international against Australia, wicketkeeper Ian Healey piped up: ‘You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat ****.’'
http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php/site/article/1270/
A firefighter on this forum (can't remember his name - mick ?) once said that one of his slightly overweight colleagues was at the scene of an incident, when amongst the usual crowd of kids, one made a comment about him being fat. He responded by saying :"That's because every time I shag your mum, I get a pat on the head and she gives me a biscuit"
Gotta be one of the best put downs ever, even if it was used against a kid...... I was almost tempted to try and put on weight so that I could use one day
Well if he did he pinched it from Eddo Brandes.
EDIT Too slow ^
Cricket sledging is a great source of insults...who were the brothers who played for Australia? The Waughs was it? Didn't an English cricketer reply to one of their insults..."Yes mate, but at least I'm the best cricketer in my family".
Can't remember any I've used recently as I rarely insult people. It's hard work and I never feel the better for it. I do call my mate a "cock in a sock" sometimes though.
One I use on far too regular a basis, stolen from Roger mellie's profanosaurus:
"he/she's as much use as Anne Frank's drum".
It's amazing how many people just don't get it.
a good looking girl who loves herself but has an awful personality came upto me in the pub and asked me out, thinking she was making me an offer i couldn't refuse, i said "sorry love but i'm out of your league"..(pinched it off the telly)
ah yes ernie twas me lol and sorry foxychick i must have had a bad day :-)hope it was said in jest lol
Only used it the once but heard it a few years ago, a guy on a MTB (marin) cut me up when i was in the car as he came out of a track onto the road and continued down the road holding not just us up but the cars behind by riding slow and deliberatly down the centre of the road, he pulled over after a few hundred yards when he reached his car. I stopped and gave him a thousand yard stare to which he bolted over to the car and let a tirade of abuse flow, my wife grabbing me saved him from a monumental beasting and 12 months of physio but as he stuck his head through the window i told him breath smelled of sperm. It stalled him in his tracks and his mate cracked up and dragged him away. Not big and not clever but there you go.
one of my mate uses one i like . If anyone calls him owt he just says 'me an all' prob needs a yorkshire accent to work but makes me chuckle 🙂
i also call our probationary firefighter boxing glove head every time he does owt wrong 🙂
Good ex work colleague used to say ' Don't be a ****wit all your life, take a day off! Always made me chuckle.
Out on the bike, managed to get a fat taxi driver a bit angry. He stopped and some lights and started giving me some abuse. I opted for the schoolboy classic 'what you gonna do, eat me?' before cycling off. Well, I thought it was amusing...
a guy pulled out in front of me, i beep my horn, he gets all shirty mouthin off in a busy street, givin me the 'bald speccy btsard' routine (tis true but don't need a fat fuucker to tell me that) anyway, when he finished and we had an audience i just said i'd call you a untc but a untc's worth a fuuck you're worth fuuck all
One i used on a ****driver: did you pass your driving test or just suck the examiner off? Works pretty well for either sex.
Q- Where's your bell
A- Where's your hearing aid
I had a motorcycle student once who lacked cordination and was also rather tall for the 125s. I used to call him "dancing monkey boy"
Me talking to a colleague who had a prostitute living with him (as his "girlfriend"):
"So had did that work? Did you pay her a salary?"
Not clever but it went straight over his head and made me chuckle.
Him : There's no I in team
Me : No but there is You in ****!
Office went strangely quiet after that
Made by a mate, referring to a rather egocentric gentleman in a group of students.
"if he was alone in a forrest where nobody could hear him, would he still act like a ****"
Well if he did he pinched it from Eddo Brandes.
And I bet Eddo Brandes pinched it from someone else ! Although Eddo Brandes apparently said "every time I shag your [i]wife[/i] she gives me a biscuit" and having analysed the insult, I have come to the conclusion "every time I shag your mum she gives me a biscuit" works better.
Because not only do insults against someone's mother generally work better than against their wife, imo, but the proposition that it is a much older woman links in well with the suggestion that the biscuit is a reward for a favour.
Which all reminds me of an occasion many years ago when I was working alongside a young carpenter not long out of his apprenticeship. Earlier in the week I had, in the course of general chitchat, mentioned that my mother had gone on holiday to visit my sister in Spain.
As we were working, in an attempt to wind him up (if I remember rightly his girlfriend was pregnant) I called out to him, "what's up mate, ain't you getting regular sex ?" without a hesitation he retorted, "No, not since your mother went on holiday"
'Twas the best put-down I have ever had said to me - I had clearly met my match 😀 And whilst I haven't worked with him or seen him for about 15 years now, I'm still occasionally in contact with him and we now exchange insults via texts messages 8)
When you left school there were only 2 jobs available..
The Monkey got the astronauts job and we got lumbered with you !
I quite like...
If wisdom grew on trees, you'd be a bush!
A personal favorite;
"the best part of you ran down your mothers leg"
Out with an group of people one evening, a chap started getting a bit out of line. So I said to his well-endowed wife: "what's it like having three enormous tits?"
Tee hee!
A rather large workmate was giving me some grief one day and i said to him:
When you get dressed in a morning do you have to use a bomarang(sp) to put on your belt.
That shut him up 😆
From jontawn off here to a posh bloke in a range rover with personalised plate - "thats a nice car, love the number plate, never seen **** spelt like that"
A colleague in work was told by his manager "you're marginally better than a vacancy". Classic put down.