[Closed] What to expect from marriage guidance

Somebody sympathetic and neutral who'll try to help you talk to each other. No less no more. Good luck.

Go - its seriously valuable.

You get to sit in a room with a counsellor who will help the two of you discuss issues and allow you to do so in an non emotive way. think of it as having a referee and a good incentive to keep your temper.

10yrs ago me and t'missis were arguing badly about nothing - real temper tantrums from both of us. Marriage guidance showed us how to break the cycle

Your post rings alarm bells to me. Your missus is unhappy and wants counselling - you see nowt wrong. Of course something is badly wrong or else your missus wouldn't be suggesting it.

I am a huge fan of counselling - it can really help - at worst you waste an hourt or two and a few quid - at best it will help you two to revitalise your marriage. Well worth it.

Whilst i have no marriage experience, if your kids have flown the nest. How about a break or sabbatical, moneys not everything. Go travel see some new sites meet some different cultures.

Your "Guidence counsellor" will most likely be an incredibly stupid card carrying feminist liberal type who believes what they read in the Guardian and Independent without questioning any of it as that would be "DailyMail-esque", or a man who wants to **** "an incredibly stupid card carrying feminist liberal type who believes what they read in the Guardian and Independent without questioning any of it". Or a Gay.

That's life, don't come crying to me to complain about the way things are.

Sodafarls - what an incredibly stupid thing to say.

Maybe she just wants to talk to you but you are not listening ?
And as said before you seem to think theres no problem, she clearly does. 20yrs is a long time so you should maybe spend some time working in it.
Counselling is hugely valuable as long as you decide to let it try and resolve the issues. Good luck.

Had a mate that gone and done it too and he is still married happily although her boyfirend is whats keeping her happy??????
Give it a go after 20 years you owe it to her yourself and the kids-you might find ourt that is not actually you as may the wife-then again you may find t is you and what bikes will you be selling in the classifieds?

Communicate! People don't know how to these days. Try really talking without being interrupted by TV, mobile, STW Forum, kids, e-mails.

Good luck.

Actually one thing we have kept going in our life is twice weekly committee meetings where we go for a wander round the local area and chat about 'stuff'. No distractions and seems to head lots of things off at the pass.

TandemJeremy - Member
Sodafarls - what an incredibly stupid thing to say.

See, I knew I agreed with you sometimes 😉

But I can see where the angst is coming from in sodafarls post.
Councilors are often a little left wing in their thinking, as a man you go into these things expecting to be put down, I would be surprised if the OP came out thinking different.

A good counsellor will be totally neutral. Putting their values first is totally unethical.

The one I went to was good - and so unremarkable and neutral that I have no idea now what she was like.

Why do you say they are left wing?

Councilors are often a little left wing in their thinking

I can't for the life of me, think why someone in a profession which requires the person to be compassionate, tactful, caring, and sympathetic towards others, would necessarily be left-wing. Surely you would expect an equal amount of rabid right-wingers to be attracted to the profession ?

Still, as you will probably concentrate on any possible matrimonial disputes between the two protagonists, whether it's all 'Thatcher's fault' is unlikely to figure very highly in your discussions with the counsellor.

OMG 2U2R is right wing and cannot even see it!

had a colleague at work who went. he was sceptical at first but he was very impressed with the counselling. he learnt a lot about communication and miscommunication - which so often happens in married life. give it a go you've nothing to lose. bol.

"Sodafarls - what an incredibly stupid thing to say. "

Prove it.

Now correct me if I am wrong, but when did reality turn itself upon it's head and ask for advice from strangers?

Oh, it's Objectivity you speak of? Well then I ask of the time it made itself apparent in the coven of Liberal media, and how it fayred? Can I observe such a phenomenen on t'interweb tonight? methinks not.

Get a ****ing grip. What would you expect from a "marriage counsellor" but a stream of overeducated comfortably clueless but with a sense of entiltilement, female biased bullshit. Anybody know of "male" counsellors of that nature? I have a Psychology degree, can i have a job or might I suggest something ideologically unsound? Go buy some new shoes, indulge her lunacy etc... you owe me £200.

It's speculation mind, my woman is happy with masculinity and common sense. Were she not, I'd get another one that was.

Been to Relate, but did not get the T shirt.

They listen, they encourage you to talk to each other, they offer advice, they don't judge.

Mind you, it did no bloody good. We still got divorced, but I think that was more to do with depression on my part and her being very inflexible and lying to me about wanting to have kids.

Ah well...

Anybody know of "male" counsellors of that nature?

You are kidding? You are as clueless about this subject as you are about what else to do about it.

People like you are precisely why I'm rarely here these days.

Sodafarls - the proof of the pudding is in the eating. counsellors do not act as you say they do( unless they are rubbish at the job)

I have used counselling and have been trained as one.

You are soooooooooooooooooooooo wrong on this - that is just not the way they work. The aim is to facilitate conversations and ask questions - never ever at all in any way to put their own values to the fore - that would be highly unethical

Go and read "on becoming a person" By Carl Rodgers.

they'll probably point out that this is a conversation you should be having with your wife, not with a bunch of strangers on an internet forum

oh and what TJ said

Listen for 20mins then stand up, wave your finger at both the counsellor and the wife and shout accussingly 'who the **** are you two to tell me that I cant cross-dress whenever I ****ing want'?

[i]They listen, they encourage you to talk to each other, they offer advice, they don't judge.[/i]

I agree, my wife and I got a lot out of it. In the end we split anyway, but it has been totally amicable as the time with Relate allowed us to realise that it was no-one's fault, it had just come to an end. We're still the best of friends.

sodafarls - are you speaking from experience? If you are then it's a shame as yours is very different to mine. If not, wind your neck in, c0ckend.

Hora - time and place fella, this is neither

😆 and it IS the place to be discussing marriage counselling. good god, how's the view from up there?

Well, someone's asking about something that is possibly pretty sensitive, making jokes about it seems bit crass.

The view's excellent by the way, the people look like ants...

My wife and I have been seeing a counsellor for over a year. He has achieved a lot with my wife (who does have some pretty distressing issues) BUT he has struggled slightly to be neutral over that period and has on occasion antagonised me a fair bit. When it gopt really silly I insisted on seeing him by himself, and put it to him that he needed to sort his act out. That helped.

Having seen him every couple of weeks for over a year I know little or nothing about his personal politics...

sodafarls - you are evidently more orientated to the needs of yourself and possibly mechanical issues. I suggest you steer clear of other human beings.

Were you bullied by a CND-supporting rainbow-wearing educated saved whale when you were a child?

I've never been to a counsellor but I remember the divorce court when I was a kid. Years later I was ordering a pint from the same bench when it was turned into a Yates.

I've never been to a counsellor but I remember the divorce court when I was a kid. Years later I was ordering a pint from the same bench when it was turned into a Yates.

Well that was interesting.

well I would give couselling a go but wife says she will not consider it absolutely. Our problem is that despite my best efforts we can't comunicate, have tried and tried but she never really talks about the things that really matter if she does she thinks I am attacking her and always reads a negative into anything I say. She is a good Mother to our children but.......so I just MFTU...and expect nothing......no other options

Terradactyl - you probably don't want to hear this, but it sounds like Relate would really help.

I went - albeit 20 years ago - all they seemed to want to talk about was our sex life.
We didn't go back & sorted ourselves out & are still together & happy

...or consider Plan B.

Buy her a bike.

The councillor too, to keep them sweet.

Me and my wife are currently going to relate and it is a good time to be able to talk about how you feel and the counsellor will steer the conversation to a certain degree but only by probing at things. I feel that this is a good thing as it alows us to look at our relationship form a different perspective which haas shown us some things we had never thought of otherwise. Give it a go with an openmind as you have nothing to loose.

In my case, do you guys think it would do any good I just went by myself to relate or do both parties have to go?

Got to be worth a try. Our guy has has given me some very useful food for thought when I've seen him by myself.

I also had to "bounce" my wife into going. I just called her up at work and told her we had an appointment that evening after work and she could come or not, but I was going regardless. She sat in the waiting room praying they were double booked, but once she got in she started talking and weeping and no-one got a word in edgeways for 30 minutes and she felt a great deal better afterwards.

go the worst it can be is a waste of time

Well, I aint going to leave home/move out because that would **** up my kids (and me) big time. Staying is so hard because there is no ralationship anymore, or so it seems. So, Relate might be worth a go then, even if I go by myself.............

Terra - I may be wrong, but I think you both need to sign up. They do sometimes see couples separately, but only as part of an ongoing course of therapy involving both of you. It is relationship counselling after all.

Doing nothing means nothing will change. If you try it, all you have to lose is forty quid.

I'm 100% sure she wont agree to go, she just says that I can leave but that would be my choice to make but if I stay then............well..it will be much of the same in that I am treated by her as an intrusion that just pays the bills and gets in the way..............sorry about this guys, I just had a really bad weekend with her, this thing has been going on so long I had sort of got used to it.

Terrydactyl - although they are very reluctant to do so (for obvious reasons) Relate should be prepared to see one half of a couple on their own. Your best bet imo would be to simply give them a call and have a chat about your situation and listen to what they advise. As stated already, your situation is exactly the sort of situation which a trained counsellor can help with - I would go for it.

I have a mate doing this at the moment, he is a natural cynic but thought it would be worth a shot. He says its very good. The councillor has been very supportive of them both.

From what I hear it is infinately better than what could happen if you dont go.

Best of luck

Thank everyone, something has to change, i have burying this issue for far too long, I will give relate a call see what they say...............

Sorry if anybody got all upset at my cynical comments, but I do have a rather negative opinion of the idea of "impartiality" in this instance.

I'm not upset by you comments Soda, just wonder why you have such a negative opinion on the impartiality - is it based on any experience or just too much dail mail?

Neither seven, just observations of human nature, a bad mood and too much wine.

Ok. My thoughts. Im not married however I have been with the same girl for 18 continuous years. Listen to what the Counsellor has to say, listen. Dont be sceptical and listen to your partners issues. I've swallowed my pride on a fair few occasions when Ive been in the right- doesnt make me a hen-pecked fella either. On the plus-side, its good that she is initiating. She wants it to work. Imagine it was your idea and she wasnt buying it? I say listen to what she says, dont knee-jerk or be a bitten-chunt. Take stock of what the counsellor says, listen 🙂

In my experience if someone finds a counsellor that they feel is impartial, it's often because they are challenging them on things that they find difficult. It's a very rigourous training to become a fully qualified and accredited counsellor. They should not advise you, they should guide you to solutions that the couple agree for themselves.

I have been to marriage guidance, and it was very helpful in helping us talk without dredging up all the nonsense that sabotages constructive discussion about a relationship.