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Another Edinburgh Castle one
Was asked by an American how long it took to put the castle up each year for the festival.
Also when talking about Lou Ferrigno (the original Hulk) to a mate I said that the Hulk was huge. My ex then turned round and asked if he was real. Bless...obviously we told her it was a documentary and kept it going for about 5mins before having to admit that we were lying.
On honeymoon the the Dominican Republic, I wore a kilt one night (Scotsman abroad and all that)
An American tourist says hello "Nice Kilt! are you Welsh?"
"No Scottish"
"But that's a Welsh Kilt, Scottish Kilts are red" (I was wearing Douglas tartan - mainly green)
"Alrighty then I'm Welsh"
Talking about a particular route in the Lakes:-
".....just after where it steepens"
Teacher in the group
"There isn't such a word as steepens"
I over heard the following telephone conversation once whilst at the front counter in Fort William police station, in Winter.
Policeman: Hello, Fort William police station.
...
Policeman: Well, Ben Nevis is a mountain, but to answer your question, yes it is still open.
...
Policeman: Yes, there is a footpath to the top of Ben Nevis.
...
Policeman: No, there are no streetlights. Just a minute...Sorry, I was wrong before, it is now closed. Maybe try it in the summer.
...
Policeman: Okay enjoy your holiday.
It's not just women (although I do have a fairly strong feminine side to me 😉 )I don't know my left and right automatically, I genuinely have to stop and think about it and if I want to direct someone I have to point "this way" or "that way"I asked if I could get by on the right, she moved right across in front of me...I slammed on my brakes and skidded a little, she said "oops sorry, I don't know my left or right" I did all I could not to laughI have also known quite a few other women (friends, girlfriends) who are all fairly intelligent get confused with their lefts and rights
A combination of what they say and what they do, people who use gestures when talking on the telephone! 😈
I asked if I could get by on the right, she moved right across in front of me...
TBH, it's an odd convention that takes some getting used to. If someone coming up fast behind be (stop it) yells "on the right!" I know that they mean they're going to pass on the right, but instinctively I want to react by moving right cos that's what they've shouted.
I'm aware of what's behind me as well as infront and always instinctively move over off the main line to let a faster rider through. I choose where, when and what side anyone passes me on.
A while back I was on a train from London to Rochester, in Kent. When the train comes towards Rochester, just before it goes over the River Medway, you get a great view of Rochester Castle...
An American tourist says: "Wow, are we in Newcastle already?"
Flying into New York on a school trip, a large majority of the group got excited at the sight of the Golden Gate Bridge. 😆
My mum reckons she understands technology but still needs to ask questions from time to time. So, when we were in Currys or Comet or someplace and I was looking for a cheap'ish mp3 player
"Do I need an mp3 player?"
"I don't know, do you?"
"I don't know, that's why I'm asking you"
"Ok, why do you think you might need an mp3 player?"
"I don't know, I don't know what they are"
"So why would you need one then?"
"So I can find out what it is and then I'll know if I need one"
Some Americans have a sense of humour, when on a cruise around the Bahamas they did a top 10 of stupid questions...
1 what do you do with the ice sculptures once they have melted?
2 what time is the midnight buffet?
3 is it fresh water or sea water in the toilets?
4 where do the staff sleep?
This was approx 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle.
"A friend" once thought that "seconds out" when called at a boxing matched refered to the time...
Walking around the Schönbrun Palace in Vienna on a guided tour. We stopped in one of the salon and the guide described the exquisite objet d'art dotted around the room then gave a detailed description of the White Gold encased in crystal chandelier that hung from the ceiling , a triumph of Habsburg craftsmanship. Speech concluded we prepared to move off to the next wonder.
The American lady in front of us turned to her friend and said, "Gee and it's not plastic".
A lot of muffled snorting from our portion of the tour followed.
is it fresh water or sea water in the toilets?
Why would this matter? Were they planning to drink it?
Also seems like a reasonable question to me. Sea water would be sensible of course so as not to waste fresh water. It might not be very good for the plumbing though I suppose.
Under the Arc de Triomphe, an American tourist reads aloud from a plaque:
"This plaque is to commemorate the return of Alsace and Lorraine to France after the Second World War.... gee, I wonder who they were...."
When I worked in Waterstone's an American once asked me if the prices were in pounds or dollars.
The fresh or salt water in the toliets question isn't that daft is it?
Oh, and if asked I might have said something about time for the boxing "seconds out" thing 😳
I always assumed 'seconds out' referred to time. Once it's pointed out that that's wrong then it's pretty readily obvious what it means, but it's not something I particularly ever stopped to think about.
My ex enquired about a fly-drive holiday to the US and said she'd be looking forward to taking our car (a 2CV) on the plane to the states!
The same turnip thought that gliders were remote controlled and didn't have a pilot. To her they looked too small, not that they were far far away!
And finally remember the advert for an indigestion table which had the phrase "Suck em and See" at the end of the commercial? She thought it was a new type of vitamin, bit like vitamin C!
Oh and when introduced to the term inter-breed, she thought it was for people who were addicted to bread (they were” in to” bread).
mate of mine asked me
'What are those sausages called on top of Pepperoni Pizzas?'
The fresh or salt water in the toliets question isn't that daft is it?
I think the whole point of the toilet water was why would it matter and why would you want to know?
I have a new one to add, from 5 minutes ago in fact. "This bloody key doesn't work!!" said the missus after having to walk home from the gym (don't go there) because she couldn't open the car. Having just walked down to retrieve it I'm sure the bloke who owned the car she was trying to get into would have been amused to see her clicking her key at his car!! Ours was 100 yards away in a different car park - where she had left it 2 hours earlier...
"This bloody key doesn't work!!"
Years ago now, my grandad once got halfway home from work in his Austin Allegro before realising that he was actually driving a colleague's Allegro that was parked next to his. High security locks back then, it seems.
Has anyone got any that aren't so obviously made up/urban myths off tinternet please? 🙄
Like all the American tourist ones. I've heard them all ages ago, yet people seem to be claiming them as original...
My Mum used to work in a bank and would often have to interview people about their overdrafts. One not exactly with it couple came in to talk to her and were asked about their expenditure, assets etc. They both lived in a bungalow, not far from the sea, and were asked about other property they owned. They duly informed my Mum that they did have a holiday home, which was an absolute God send, where they could get away from it all ... And guess where this holiday home was - 2 miles away from their own home.
I once tried to get in the wrong car and the person caught me - thankfully my identical car was parked behind his and i stopped as he shouted and looked confused as the seatcovers were different
I also once rang the police to report my car stolen from work and then staring at the only car in the car park realised I had come into work in my [ex] wifes car
mate having a girl at work cut his hair, girl cutting it spots a birthmark on his head and asks "what's that?" he says "it's a birthmark", "Oh,how long have you had that then?"...what a biff!
Not said, but definitely the most stupid thing I've witnessed recently.
Last weekend we had a mountain rescue. RN Sea King repeatedly landing and taking off from a very small area right next to the main road taking MRT members up onto the mountain. So there we are, all cowering next to our vehicles as it's coming in to land, when some old gimmer in his Rover stops on the main road for a better look. Stupid place to stop I think but not much I can do with the helicopter only 50 feet above. Not close enough for him evidently, as he then turned into the landing pad, past the No Entry signs, and drove under the Sea King as it came down! Then he looked all offended when he got some blunt and loud corrective advice and drove off in a huff.
Friend of my Mum used to work as a tour guide at Bramhall Hall. When describing the discover of dinosaur bones in the gardens, an American tourist said "gee, they must have been pretty close to the house"......
As funny as these stories are I would still like [s]a bit more detail on[/s] picture of emsz and her friend getting caught out
Female friend at uni (watching Robin Hood: Prince of Theives)
"you know who'd make a good sherrif of Nottingham? That Alan Rickman"
Cue much laughter
I do....
In the pub in wells next to sea the pub is called the bowling green(best pub and grub in wells) there's 5 of us off the survey boat sat there chatting and brazil nuts come up in conversation when Chris the quite surveyor says "brazil nuts are they the ones that come on a whalnut whip" needless to say we pissed are self's laughing for over an hour priceless.
I was doing some fire awareness training on Friday.
Me: right, name me some flammable liquids that we have here at the college
Brian: Wood!
😯
Had a trainee whom always even on the simplest of jobs couldn't even set the simplest
of woodworking machinery and always made an excuse for not being able to set up correctly
and always started with the words But The Point Is !
I got so fed up with his uselessness I then stuck him behind the sanders placing sanding parts
on pallets. He came up to me and asked why I've put him there and replied
The Point Is I've put you where you where your best at.
The Point Is
The sister of an ex whilst watching an article on David Walliams swimming the channel at the point where he was being coated in lard, "Lard? That's what Whales have got on them". Driving through the countryside (I'm veg*n by the way, just for context), "Swamp-Boy, is the country vegan?" How do you answer that!?
Airport was on at work one day and animal handlers were called to deal with a very narky Ground Hornbill. Bloke goes "Is that a Kestrel?" Recently we've also managed to convince him that they've re-introduced wild haggis to the Staffordshire Moorlands, complete with the old chestnut about them having shorter legs on one side of the body to make it easier to run around the hills...
Girl in Florida: 'So, how long did it take you guys to drive here?'
Me: 'Where from?'
Girl in Florida: 'England'
Me: 'Errr...there's no land bridge'
all the American tourist ones. I've heard them all ages ago, yet people seem to be claiming them as original...
Sorry Elf but I can solemnly testify that the American tourists in Edinburgh ones are definitely true. The reason you've heard them before is most of them happen every day during tourist season.
Stand on the Royal Mile for ten minutes and you'll see some biffa with a camera, complaining that they built the castle on a big hill. 🙄
Was in the US with the folks in the 80s. Parents wanted to ship something to France for my grandparents and went into a post office.
"We want to ship it to France"
"France, where's that?"
"Europe"
"Is that east or west of the mississippi?"
A friend of mine a few years ago in an English class: "How do you spell SECC?"
Next time your car doesn't start bring it into us - Renault main dealer, thanks for the helpful advice and being unable to diagnose why it randomly wouldn't start previously.
More amusing than dumb, but I convinced a friend that the beeping noise made but the parking sensors on my car (also activated when people were crossing the road) was an inbuilt gaydar.
An uber-feminist blogger wrote some time ago on the Guardian website that she was deeply offended when her male friends referred to people in general as mankind. Humankind please, she implored!
Like all the American tourist ones. I've heard them all ages ago, yet people seem to be claiming them as original...
Looking across the lakes at Blenheim Palace, I heard 'Is that the Thames?'
Honest.