[Closed] What are your social anxieties...?

I can understand it's different for those who consistently lose out.

THis basically you are asking me to pay for you to drink and eat at every meal I go to. Why is that reasonable ? If you wantr me to pay for your meal I probably wont want to be your friend anyway as you are selfish and a freeloader. It not a big deal to me if you get upset.Like i said earlier scale matters - I have salad and no drinks 10 folk eat steak and get pissed - why should we be splitting it?

If two people use their phones do they split it equally?

THis basically you are asking me to pay for you to drink and eat meat at every meal I go to

Nah.

We're suggesting that you don't come... 😉

😆 I walked into that one didn't I

On a more serious/less abusive note, most of the restaurants I end up in (which aren't that many, and aren't visited that often) seem to sell the vegetarian dishes at the same price as meat options. I agree with you on the cost of drinks, but again, me/we/us tend not to get drunk when eating.

Its not all about the ability to pay , its often about the willingness to pay.
I have a few friends who are high earners , and they think nothing of buying 1 or 2 bottles of fizz , and several £20+ bottles of wine.
They will also order starter, main course and a pudding and a liquer coffee or a port.
Its perfectly normal to fund them £20 each to go out for a meal with them. I always drive and have a zero alcohol driving policy . Even turned up 30 mins late ( riding ) and missed the starters , had a Lasagne and water and was asked for £25. I had to say no on that occaision.

Its always the same, and these people earn maybe 5 or 6 times what I do , so its almost always an expensive evening. Yes I can pay , and have the money in the bank, but it does seem slightly unfair as its everytime and I tend to drive maybe 80 miles for the privelidge.

As for social anxieties... Speaking to women and trying not to look like Im somewhere on the autism scale , then instantly forgetting their name.

Same price as for veggies dont get me started on restaurants like that 😉

I referred to the examples as given by wrecker [ I used a similar one]etc where someone massively over indulges and then expects everyone else to sub it.

If a group go out have a meal and its roughly the same then you split and live with it. Obviously to insist if it is 50 p is pointless
If someone is taking the piss though I will say something and wont split.

Having to make small-talk to ITV/daily mail/football/shopping mall/desk bound/NEXT/BMW/Superdry/soap opera/office job/coldplay/britains got talent/sunbed/rosé/lager/bland people.

It's only an inbuilt politeness that stops me from telling you how dull you are despite the obvious false smile and nodding that really should be enough to let you know.

The concept of "friends".

And groups of men with an ego each.

crowds mainly!

So how was your weekend?

I like a neat snap-shot in one paragraph or maybe one well told tale about an unusual event.

What I actually get is a chronological breakdown abit like the series "24".

People who ask "You paid how much for your bike? Your 41, you shouldn't be playing with bikes"

Having to read attention seeking posts from people who use the word "trendy", paint a picture of how interesting their freshly roasted life is, and stop myself telling them what a cock they must be in real life. It's like American Psycho...without the class...but with added bedwetting.

Blimey, I could write a book. 😳

Your 41

Tsk tsk... [b]You're[/b]

When I walk down a long street and make eye contact with someone I know.

The weather is nice so I want to look at the clouds. But if I break eye contact it feels rude, so what happens is an awkward march holding eye contact until they are within earshot when I say "alright", smile and carry on.

I used to have anxieties about the kiss thing with women. Everyone gets a handshake now. Men I know well get a kiss.

The missus' mum insists on a hug and a kiss though. Her Dad (ex-Navy) is satisfied with a firm handshake and a look which I know means "hurt my daughter and I will kill you with my bare hands".

Tsk tsk... You're

Pedantic people 😆

+1

that and talking to people in any environment with background noise - I can't pick out what they're saying from the other noise.

Yep, that's one of mine too. My hearing is poor unfortunately so I hate using the phone or having conversations in busy places and I feel terrible having to constantly say excuse me or 'sorry, can you say that again' so often find myself guessing what they have said and responding in as vague a way as possible which makes me seem uninterested.

I agree with the greeting kisses thing. I thought I had it sorted; someone you don’t know = handshake. Someone you know = pretend kiss on cheek. Someone you know well = kiss on the cheek and a hug. Then you throw in the French, 2 kisses, that’s fine. And the Dutch, 3 kisses, that’s fine as well unless you’ve misread it and they’re German in which case 3 kisses is way too familiar. Even that gets confusing though because what if the French person is thinking, ah the English only like one kiss, so they pull out just as you’re going in for the second. And what happens when you greet a French man married to a British woman? Kissing the bloke more than the woman seems wrong. Or what do you do when a good friend comes over with someone you don’t know very well? Do you give one a handshake and one a kiss with a squeeze? It’s a minefield.

On the whole bill splitting thing, I’m a splitter. I would speak up if I thought someone should pay less or would chuck in a few more quid if I thought I needed to though. Friends that we eat out with regularly all know that the bill will be split and seem happy with it. If we were going out with people for the first time then I would ask up front if splitting the bill was OK with them.

Knowing when to challenge xenophobic/sexist/racist opinions and comments and when not to. Always have a bit of a moral struggle in my head when I bite my tongue on the basis that the knucklehead spouting the sh*t is likely to resort to fists rather than enter into a discussion about the dynamics of human group behaviour.

When a group of people seem to be doing everything in their power not to communicate about basic things, instead they insist on all the usual gossip cr*p. all I want to know is when we are eating, and maybe which direction most people would like to go in search of a food outlet!
However when I take control and ask direct questions, I'm told its rude!

When a group of people seem to be doing everything in their power not to communicate about basic things, instead they insist on all the usual gossip cr*p. all I want to know is when we are eating, and maybe which direction most people would like to go in search of a food outlet!
However when I take control and ask direct questions, I'm told its rude!

Failing to remember people's names in the split second between recognising them and saying hello. Or simply not recognising people, even after I've asked them to take their sun glasses and helmet off.

Good one edukator. I do this all the time!
The other day I met a chap in the gym who introduced himself as Matt. My brain must have decided that he looked like a Sam, as that's what I've called him every time I've met him since. In the same gym, there's a chap called Kev who I call Jeff and a Charlie who I call Adam. 😐
I find team sports a struggle (calling for the ball etc).

A chap I used to meet a lot at the park walking dogs called me Tom for around a year. I just went along with it. It was nice having a different name some days. 🙂

The old chap who used to fix my car just called me some random Irish name whenever I went there - could be anything but varied mainly between Seamus, Pat and Conor. Again, it was easier to go along with it instead of correcting him all the time.

Hi Darcy, how's tricks?

Not too bad Joe, and yourself?

Thinking I talk too much and give too much away. Usually the day after I have had a night out...

Why I cant stop using the word **** in company...

The background noise one has always been a problem for me, I'm partially deaf and resort to reading lips in most social situations outside of 2-3 people in a normal room, asking people to repeat what they've said is always a worry, you can only ask once, maybe twice before you start to feel awkward, normally I can read OK and they don't notice but it's surprising how many people talk to you with a glass/hand/phone/whatever in the way or while facing away or to the side, and it's always a bit awkward having to say 'could you please repeat that but so I can see your lips properly'

Not too bad Joe, and yourself?

No bad ta Podraig 😀

Funny thread..

I don't seem to have any social anxieties, certainly not the ones you lot have outlined anyhoos.

*yo Bro underhand handshake, smilie face, nod of the head

Its not all about the ability to pay , its often about the willingness to pay.
I have a few friends who are high earners , and they think nothing of buying 1 or 2 bottles of fizz , and several £20+ bottles of wine.

I've got a few friends who earn significantly more than the rest of us and will order stuff as above, but it is all to share and they always cover what they order and put in a bit more as well. Also usually the first to get rounds in and not necessarily expect it back. I think I'm just pretty lucky with my friends really. The well off tend to share their wealth all the time.

Also, the parties I go to are fun.

This thread has kind of digressed from social anxietes to getting old and grumpy.

Cheer up you lot! It's all a lot more fun if you just embrace it.

Dancing ! no one's mentioned dancing yet, what the hell is that all about ??? 99% of people who dance at parties look ****ing ridiculous to me, which is exactly how I feel whenever I've drunk too much to resist friends' constant nagging to join them. Spoils the whole night for me and makes me just want to go home.
Or maybe it's just me ....

Me too. It does spoil the night. If they left me alone, happily swigging my beer and people watching I'd be fine. It's the constant ccoming up to you and trying to get you to dance, or the beckoning at you from the dancefloor that makes the whole thing so damn uncomfortable, coupled with the assumption that because you're not dancing there's something wrong with you.

coupled with the assumption that because you're not dancing there's something wrong with you.

There is.

Of course not everyone has to dance all the time, and I won't dance to music that doesn't make me want to, or if I'm not in the mood, or the atmosphere doesn't feel right - but having a blanket rule of no dancing ever just means you're a bit of a miserable bugger IMO.

If they left me alone, happily swigging my beer and people watching I'd be fine. It's the constant ccoming up to you and trying to get you to dance, or the beckoning at you from the dancefloor that makes the whole thing so damn uncomfortable

They're all having fun, they can see you're having a shit time being a miserable bugger, and they want you to come and have fun with them instead. The bastards.

I'll only dance if I'm well oiled and ABBA aren't playing.

I suffer with Crowd deafness, I don't suffer with social anxieties as I accept them and am open about them.
I forget names, so I apologise and tell people this when I meet them again.
Its far better in my experience to be open and honest about these things, than worry all night because you cant remember someone's name 😉

If they left me alone, happily swigging my beer and people watching I'd be fine. It's the constant ccoming up to you and trying to get you to dance, or the beckoning at you from the dancefloor that makes the whole thing so damn uncomfortable

New Year's Eve. Just a horrible, uncomfortable experience at the stroke of midnight. Creeps me out being in a room full of people having to give them all a kiss/ hug and a merry message. No idea why, just makes me feel mega uncomfortable. I'm normally massively sociable but NYE is spent on my own or with the wife (at a push)

Apparently like many others on here I hate noisy "venues" as I can't make out what people are saying (when others seem to manage perfectly well). Not a middle aged loss of hearing thing at all - I had the problem in my 20s, possibly in my teens - now I am middle aged I don't feel any need to go to such places.

I forget names, so I apologise and tell people this when I meet them again.
Its far better in my experience to be open and honest about these things, than worry all night because you cant remember someone's name

Good theory, but presumably you do manage to remember some people's names, so by apologising you're telling them that they're not important enough for you to remember. I'm another who struggles with names, so make an effort to work on remembering them, and if I can't I tend to try to avoid the issue - though doubtless that is often very transparent. The thing is, it's not at all that people aren't important - I can sometimes completely forget the names of people I know well (and also the word I want to use when in the middle of a sentence, which is presumably related).

I've actually got over a lot of my social anxieties though by realising that things I thought were scary can be quite fun once I'm past the initial hurdle - doesn't mean I don't have a tendency to revert if I don't work at it.

Oh, and I'm with JY on the splitting bills thing - those suggesting why quibble over a few pounds here or there when it evens out over time are so totally missing the point. IMHO those people expecting you to pay for their drinking and expensive meals are the rude ones - with a group of well trained polite people the issue JY has wouldn't arise, as he wouldn't be expected to pay an equal share.

My biggest problem is not remembering folks' names! I could be introduced to someone, told their name, three seconds later it's gone... Permanently... i feel like a total dick because of it too, which in turn makes me even more anxious and makes me even more likely to forget! Sometimes I can't even remember if I've met someone before... Before you ask if it's drink related, it's not. It happens every single day, and is especially bad on the phone! "Hi, is so-and-so there?" "Yes, can I ask who's calling?" "Yeah, it's (whatever)" "Dude, it's the phone for you." "Who is it?" "Dunno 😳 "

Lots of people forget names if introduced straight away. If I'm at a party or wedding where it's likely I'll meet plenty of people I've never met before, and there's that period where a bit of awkward "mingling" is required, I try to get a few sentences of chat in first before doing the "Oh, by the way, I'm... You are?" For those who forget names like this, it's much more likely you'll remember the name half an hour later if you've managed to chat for a few minutes beforehand. I can't remember where I heard or read this years ago, but it does work (nearly all of he time).

Of course not everyone has to dance all the time, and I won't dance to music that doesn't make me want to, or if I'm not in the mood, or the atmosphere doesn't feel right - but having a blanket rule of no dancing ever just means you're a bit of a miserable bugger IMO.

It's one of the simple joys of life which has been part of human existence for at least 9000 years.

[armchair psychoanalysis]
Just out of interest, why don't you enjoy it? I'll wager it's because you feel self-conscious doing it - which is a hangup you'd feel better about getting over.
[/armchair psychoanalysis]

When Bruce Parry did a thing in Africa (can't remember the country) he told them he didn't dance or sing and they didn't get it at all, because obviously everyone dances and sings. They've got the right idea IMO.

[armchair psychoanalysis]
Just out of interest, why don't you enjoy it? I'll wager it's because you feel self-conscious doing it - which is a hangup you'd feel better about getting over.
[/armchair psychoanalysis]

How would you suggest I go about getting over it ?

What you need is The Right Trousers:

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